by Hamel, B. B.
He holds open the old wooden front door and the hostess seats us right away. It’s a small table toward the back corner, cozy and surprisingly private for a place like this. He orders a glass of whiskey and I ask for wine.
“How’s being back going?” I ask him once the waitress returns with our drinks.
“Not bad,” he grunts, sipping his whiskey. “You know how hard it is to find a decent drink in the fucking desert?”
“Probably not easy.”
“Really, really not easy.” He sips again and smiles, letting out a little sigh. “God, I love America.”
I laugh a little. “What about the charity thing the other night? What did you think of that?”
He arches an eyebrow. “You’re not getting your quote so easily, you know.”
“Oh, come on. I’m just making conversation.”
He leans forward a little bit. “Come on. You’re a reporter. You’re always on.”
“We can talk off the record.”
“And you’ll just make something up.”
I grin at him. I wouldn’t do that, but I don’t have to say that out loud.
He sighs and sips again. “I’d rather hear about what you thought. I don’t have a lot of experience with that sort of thing.”
“Honestly?”
“Sure, honestly.”
“It was boring.”
He laughs. “Of course it was boring.”
“But those people wrote big checks. I talked to a board member after it was over and he said they were funded for the rest of the year.”
“Huh. That’s not bad for a single night.”
“Right? I guess that’s the reason you throw something like that.”
“Get rich people to write fat checks.”
“Bingo.” I grin at him. “No thanks to you.”
He grins right on back. “Please. They saw a strapping young man in uniform and that helped sway them.”
“I doubt it.”
“Please, did you see the way those old ladies were eyeing me? Lots of lonely cougars there that night.”
I make a grossed-out face. “That’s awful.”
“I’m just saying, I have a certain… effect on women.”
I groan. “Okay, you’re really awful. And conceited.”
“Is it conceited if it’s true?”
“Yes, especially when you say it out loud.”
He laughs again and shrugs. “Okay, fine, you got me.”
The waitress comes back for our orders and when she’s gone, I find myself smiling at him. Despite how arrogant he seems, there’s a funny side to him, like he’s not taking any of this too seriously. I remember why I was attracted to him that night, even though it seems like a lifetime ago.
“So,” he says, swirling his glass. “A kid, huh?”
“Daughter,” I say, not wanting to go down this road.
“That’s right. How old?”
I hesitate. “A little over one.”
“Good age?” he asks.
“Sure. She’s fun. Walking, starting to talk, all that stuff.”
“What’s her name?”
I hesitate. “Nova.”
He laughs a little. “Honestly, I don’t have a lot of experience with kids.”
“Not a lot of babies in the Pakistani desert?”
“Surprisingly no.”
“I’m shocked.”
“You’d think there’d be more, but apparently they were all rounded up and, you know, given to families. Can’t have feral babies roaming around.”
“Right. That’s dangerous.”
“Exactly.”
We laugh together and order a second round of drinks. We talk some more about home life, keeping it light and easy. I didn’t expect the conversation to go like this, to be honest. I remember we talked a little bit that night in India, but mostly we didn’t chat much.
Mostly we were naked and sweating and…
Our food comes and I almost forget all about getting a quote for the article. He’s telling a funny story about pulling some prank on one of their team members, and by the time he’s finished, we’re nearly through.
“Okay,” I say, smiling big. “You need to give me something for my article now.”
“Oh,” he says. “Almost forgot about that.”
“I bet you did.”
“Tell you what. You let me pay and walk you home then I’ll give you what you want.”
“Considering your bike’s parked outside my place, I think you’re walking me home either way.”
“Easy decision for you then.”
I laugh despite myself and nod. “Okay, fine. You get to pay.”
“Lucky me.”
We finish eating and I ask him more about where he grew up. I’m surprised to find out that we have pretty similar upbringings. The only difference is his parents died when he turned eighteen.
“That’s why I joined up,” he says as he signs the payment receipt and slips some cash in for the tip. “Figured that I had nowhere else to go, so might as well enlist.”
“Glad you did?” I ask.
He hesitates before he answers, clearly weighing his words.
“Sometimes,” he says finally. “I learned things, did things. Never thought I’d be the man I am today. But sometimes I wish I had a normal life, you know?”
“College and all that?”
“Sure.” He barks a laugh as we get up and gather our things. “You know, what normal people do.”
I follow him through the restaurant. It got crowded over the hour we spent together. I watch his back and try to picture this man as a normal frat boy at some midwestern university, but it’s hard to see.
I’d met a few other men like him before when I was reporting overseas. Most of them were contractors, the sort of guys that worked for Blackwater and all that. They all have this walk about them and his edge, like they’re always looking over their shoulder, or always ready for something to happen.
Abel has that same look. He’s poised and ready to jump on any grenade thrown his way. It’s almost hard to be around, at least until you’re used to it.
Once outside, we head down the sidewalk. He stands close as we walk and I have to admit, I like the warmth of him.
“We’re almost done,” I say as we approach my place. “Ready to give me that quote?”
He shrugs. “Make something up.”
I stare at him. “You’re kidding me.”
“Not at all. Just make it sound cool and realistic.”
“I don’t think I can do that, you know.”
“Of course you can.”
I sigh. We stop in front of my stoop and I face him. “Are you sure? You dragged me all the way out here for nothing, you know.”
“No, I didn’t.” He steps closer, looking into my eyes. “I dragged you out here for a reason.”
“We were supposed to do an interview.”
“Got sidetracked, I guess.” He moves even closer and my heart starts hammering when I realize what he’s doing.
I should move. I should step away, stop him, do something. But instead, I tilt my chin up and meet his gaze as his hand moves in to the small of my back. I bite my lip and kiss him when he presses his lips against mine.
God, it takes me back to that night. The sweaty sheets, his body against mine. I’ve never felt that good before and I haven’t felt it since. I kiss him, hungry and needy, the idea of that incredibly sexy one-night stand mixing with this interesting and funny human standing in front of me.
It forms a new picture, one I didn’t have of him before. Back when I knew him only as the one-night stand that got me pregnant, it was easy to pretend he didn’t exist. I could raise my daughter without a father because her father was just some random spook from the desert.
This guy, though… he’s flesh and blood.
I pull away suddenly. “Sorry,” I say.
“Sorry?” He smirks. “Nothing to apologize for. Just wanted to remember what I’d been mis
sing.”
I turn away and hurry up my steps. He doesn’t follow.
“I’ll make you sound cool, okay?” I say as I unlock my door.
“You’d better.” He’s still smiling, casual and happy.
“I will.” I finally get the damn door open. I step inside and look back. “I, uh, had fun.”
“I know.” He laughs and waves as he turns back to his bike.
I watch him get on, start the engine, and wave one more time as he pulls out into traffic.
I stand there a moment longer, tasting him on my lips still.
God damn, what a mistake. What a stupid, stupid mistake.
I know I need to calm down, but it’s hard. I turn back inside and let the door shut behind me. I stand in the foyer for a second, gathering myself.
I just kissed Nova’s father. That’s the last person in the world I should be kissing. I mean, I need to get out and date more, I know it, but it’s been hard. Still, I should be trying with anyone but him, absolutely anyone.
I can’t do that again. I definitely can’t bring him around Nova. If he figures out that he’s the father, I don’t know what’ll happen. I don’t want to introduce him into her life, only to have him disappear on some mission again or end up dead. I don’t want to break my girl’s heart.
I take a deep breath. I have to be strong for myself and for my daughter. No matter how good it feels, I have to be strong.
4
Abel
I learned two things about Lily from our little date.
First, the girl still tastes as good as she did two years ago.
I didn’t forget one bit about how it felt to be with Lily that night. Hell, it got me through some pretty hard times. But kissing her again brought it all back in really intense detail.
And I need it again. No doubt in my mind that I need to taste that girl again. I’m practically buzzing with her, spinning on the need to feel her body close to mine.
Second thing I learned though is more of a guess.
The first time we talked, I thought I noticed something strange when she brought up her daughter. But that night, she tried to avoid that topic as hard as she could, and she wasn’t very subtle about it. She never mentioned a father and it doesn’t take a fucking genius to do a little math.
Nine months plus another fifteen means that baby was conceived about two years ago… right around the time I was fucking her without a condom in India.
Coming to grips with the thought that her daughter might actually be mine is… not fucking easy.
I never pictured myself as a father. I don’t have the sort of job that lets you have attachments like that. I’m called up at the whim of my superiors and I’m sent into dangerous situations. I never know when I’m going to be called upon to do some very, very dangerous shit.
My hands are never clean.
How’s a man supposed to raise a daughter like that?
I don’t know. I’m not sure what I would’ve done differently these last two years if I had known about her sooner. And I can’t say for sure that she’s my daughter. I haven’t met her and I barely know Lily enough to say for sure.
But the timing matches up pretty damn perfectly.
I’m not the kind of man that’ll run from this sort of thing. I know it’s hard as hell, having a daughter, but I’m not about to walk away if the girl is really mine. I know what it means to be raised with a father and a mother there taking care of you. My parents were amazing parents right up until the day they were taken from me.
I’ll never forget that morning. I first heard about it on the news. Plane crash over the Indian ocean, everyone presumed dead. My parents were celebrating retirement. They had me a little older and they were happy that I was turning eighteen and they were finally going to have some damn freedom. They went to India, of all places, and ended up dead in a plane crash.
Fitting that I might get a girl pregnant on that same continent, in that same country.
If Nova is my girl, I need to make sure I’m there for her. First though, I have to figure out what’s true and what isn’t.
I wake up early the next morning and get in my workout. When I’m done, I shower off and I’m about to call Lily when my phone rings first. I hesitate before answering.
“Yeah?” I bark, not sure who’s on the other end.
“Son, is that how you speak to a superior officer?”
I freeze, eyes wide. I know that dirt-ridden gravelly voice anywhere. It’s my commanding officer, Lukas Bailey.
“Sir, no, sir,” I bark. I almost stand at attention before I realize he can’t see me.
“At ease, son,” he growls. “Listen, I need to speak with you.”
“Sir, last I heard you were in the mountains in the Pashtun region of Pakistan.”
“Not anymore, son,” he says. “I’m around the corner from you.”
I blink like a bright light just got shined in my eyes. “What?” I manage to say.
“I’m at this little shit-hole café drinking some mud water they call coffee and wondering where my damn team captain’s hiding at. You know where that fucking warrior got to?”
I let out a breath. “The place with the zebra on the window?” I ask.
“That’s the fucking one.”
“I’ll be there in five.”
I hang up the phone. I probably should wait for a response but I’m too shaken to control myself.
If Commander Bailey is here, that means something’s going on. He’s never back home, always on the front lines. The man’s a living legend, the kind of SEAL you hear about all through training and hope one day you can become. But nobody’s like Commander Bailey, absolutely fucking nobody.
I throw on some clothes and head out. I don’t know what he’s doing here like this, but it has to be important. Normally I’d get called to muster at a local base. This is pretty far outside the norm.
I find the little café and head inside. Commander Bailey’s sitting at a table with his back to the wall, a coffee in front of him, and a dark stare in his eyes. The man’s in his fifties, grizzled and scarred from one too much shrapnel blasts, with white cropped hair and a muscular physique that makes him look ten years younger than he is.
I walk over and snap a salute. He waves it away. “Sit down,” he growls. “We gotta talk.”
I sit slowly. “What’s going on, sir?” I ask. “Shouldn’t I report to base?”
He sighs. “Nah, son, this is nothing like that.” He looks a little nervous, which scares the fuck out of me even more.
I’ve been with Bailey in some bad situations. I’ve been pinned down by sniper, shot at by targets we couldn’t find, blown up by mortar rounds, you name it. He’s never seemed nervous, never wavered once. The man is a professional soldier and he acts like it.
But this, this freaks me the hell out.
“What’s going on?” I ask him.
He clears his throat. “I’m retiring,” he says flatly.
I gape. “What?”
“Retiring,” he says again like he’s spitting on the floor. “More like being forced out, but hell, either way. I’m leaving the team, son, and they’re talking about finding a replacement.”
My heart skips a beat.
I know what he’s talking about. He’s been telling me since day one that he’s going to need someone to succeed him, someone with skills and talent. And he’s been grooming me for that day for as long as I can remember.
I never thought it would happen like this. I’m too young, too inexperienced. I thought Bailey would have another ten years in him at least before it was time for me to step up into command.
“Sir,” I manage to say.
“Don’t get all weepy on me, okay?” he snaps. “Look, I’m old. The last tour was…” He trails off.
He doesn’t have to say it. I was there, I know what it was like. He doesn’t need to tell me how brutal, how horrible it was. There’s a reason I’m home right now taking a break when I haven’t needed o
r wanted one in years.
Pakistan was not easy on any of us. But the last year of it was…
It was gruesome and grueling and downright hell.
“It took something out of me, son,” he says softly.
“It took something out of all of us.”
He shakes his head. “But I’m old. I’ve been doing this for a long time before you even thought about taking up the rifle in service of this fine nation. I’ve been killing and getting shot at for most of my life at this point and I can’t bounce back anymore. I just don’t have it left.”
I blink, not sure what to say. I’ve never seen him like this before. He seems… defeated. And Commander Bailey’s never lost a battle.
“You just need some rest,” I say softly.
“No,” he answers. “I need to retire.” He looks at me with those startlingly serious dark eyes and I know he’s not joking. I know what he’s thinking. “It’s time for you to step up, son.”
I lean back in my chair and let out a soft laugh.
“What’s so funny?” he snarls.
I shake my head. “Nothing to do with you, sir.”
He sighs. I can’t explain to him why I’m laughing. I mean, taking over the team is something I’ve always wanted, something I’ve been dreaming about ever since he started grooming me for the task. But now that it’s here…
I don’t know if I want it. Not right now, at any rate.
Before, I never had a reason to stay home. There was nothing keeping me tied down to the States. Nothing made me want to give up being a warrior to become a civilian again.
But the prospect of having a daughter is making me pause.
I can’t go running back, not yet at least. I have to find out the truth about Nova before I make that decision.
“You’d better speak, boy,” he growls, getting pissed.
“I’m sorry, sir,” I say quickly. “The thing is, I’m not ready to go back.”
That deflates him a little bit. He nods slowly. “I can understand that.”
“It’s not that I don’t want it or that I’m not ready to lead. I just have… unfinished business here.”
He watches me silently. I don’t know what he’s thinking behind those alligator eyes and it scares me just being in his gaze, but I don’t back down. He taught me never to blink at fear.