by Hope Ford
“Ye...” Clearing my throat, I try again. “Yes… is this a bad time?”
“Not at all. Have a seat.” He points to a chair and when I sit down, he sits next to me.
“So, uh, I don’t know how else to say it…” I start.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He puts his hand on my knee and instead of calming me, all it does is put flashbacks in my head of me on my knees in front of him, of me begging him for more, and of him sprawled on top, with me reveling in his weight after he gave me my fourth orgasm in one night.
“No… I mean yes, I’m fine… so I’m just going to say it. I’m pregnant.” I stutter through it and end in barely a whisper.
His eyes widen. “You’re pregnant?”
I simply nod and watch him as he gets up and paces around the room. “And you’re telling me this because it’s mine?”
Indignantly, I get to my feet with my hands on my hips. “Yes, it’s yours. And I don’t like what you’re implying.”
He walks toward me holding his palms out. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just stunned, that’s all. Hell, it was the first time ever I’ve gone without a condom. It was just the one time.”
I start walking toward the door. “Actually it was three times, but who’s counting. Well, I just wanted to let you know. I’ll see you around.” I’ve done what I came to do, and I have to get out of here.
He stops me by holding on to my arm. “But wait, you can’t just drop a bombshell like that and leave. I mean, what are we going to do?”
I jerk my arm back, instantly on the defensive. “Well, I’m not getting rid of it, if that’s what you’re suggesting. I’m keeping the baby…”
He draws back like I’ve slapped him, and his jaw tightens. “I wasn’t saying that.”
“Well, then there’s nothing to talk about. I just thought you had a right to know.”
He tries to stop me again, but I turn around and with tears in my eyes, I plead, “Please, Lincoln, just let me go. You need to process this. We both need to calm down. Let me go. We can talk in a few days.”
He must see the desperation in my face because he reluctantly lets me go with a promise that he will see me tomorrow.
Lincoln
Watching her walk out the door, my knees about buckle. I’m twenty-eight years old and I know better. I have always used a condom. Always. For the obvious reasons, but also because I know that I never wanted to have kids. I never wanted to be tied down again. But Jennifer caught me by surprise. She has been working at the restaurant a while now and every time I go in, I request her section. She is always nice, but what I like best about her is that she is shy. She doesn’t throw herself at me like a lot of the women do in this town. About a month ago, I went there for dinner after my shift. I flirted with her and asked her to come back to my house. Surprisingly, she agreed.
I made no promises that night. We both knew what it was about… just one night. But hell, that one night has been on my mind nonstop since. It’s like an instant replay that has infiltrated my days and my dreams at night. Her curvy body put me under a spell; even now, my dick is hard thinking about holding on to her wide hips as I plowed into her from behind. She was begging me for it… but hell, I did some begging of my own that night.
I have thought about it, repeatedly, since then. I’ve avoided the restaurant, because I know that if I go there, I won’t be able to resist her. But I never dreamed she would be coming to me.
I sit down at the table with my head in my hands. It’s like all my nightmares are coming true. It feels like my whole life has been one big responsibility. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t ever have kids. I was twenty-four when my life got turned upside down. I had finished college and was working as a police officer for the Knox Police Force. I was young, ambitious, and full of myself. And then my dad died, leaving my mom, brother, sister and me. My brother, the youngest, was only fourteen at the time. Well, after that, my life was no longer my own. I moved back home to help my mom. I’ve aged more in these four years than I ever felt possible. I felt the whole weight of the family on my shoulders and I have worked hard not to let them down, not to let my dad down. It was rough, but we made it through. My sister followed in the family footsteps and works with me, my little brother graduated high school and is a rookie cop at the force now. And my mom, one of the strongest women I know, started working and even dating again. And me? Well, I finally moved out and am on my own again. I am determined to live my own life now, the way I want to. Nothing tying me down or holding me back.
I throw around the options in my head. I can support her and the baby, but even the thought of it makes me run a hand over my chest. I know that’s not how my dad raised me. Hell, he would probably come back from the dead just to kick my ass if I walked away from her. I rise up out of my seat with a new determination. I know I have to do the right thing here. I don’t have a choice. It’s who I am.
2
Jennifer
Still three years ago
“What do you mean, you ‘think we should get married’?” I ask him stubbornly. He has been trying to meet with me for a week now and I keep putting him off. But today, he shows up to my work like a man on a mission. He asks for my section and as soon as he sits down, he answers my question, “What can I get you?” with “I think we should get married.”
“Exactly what I said. I think we should get married, Jennifer. To me, it’s the only option,” he explains while looking at the menu. He doesn’t even look at me, and I know him looking at the menu is only a ruse. He orders the same thing every time he comes in for lunch.
“You want the club sandwich?” I am already jotting it down and about to walk away, determined to ignore his statement.
“Please, sit down and talk to me. You can’t just drop a bombshell like that and then avoid me all week. I came later in the day knowing you would be able to take a fifteen-minute break. Please just talk to me.” He tries to persuade me and I lift my shoulders in defeat. He’s right. We do need to talk.
I sit down across from him and really look at him. His eyes are tired, like he hasn’t been sleeping well. I soften as I notice the stress that is evident on his face. “We don’t have to get married. I am able to raise the child on my own. I won’t keep him—or her—from you, but there’s no reason for us to get married.”
He reaches across the table and puts his hand on mine. I ignore the spark that shoots up my arm and don’t take my eyes off his, working hard to keep any expression off my face. “I one hundred percent feel that the best thing to do is to get married. The more I’ve thought about it this week, it’s the right thing to do. Our baby deserves to have two parents…”
I gently pull my hand back from his. If I’m going to talk to him about something so intimate, I have to pull away from him. Just the simple contact of his hand on mine causes my mind to be fuzzy. “And he will, Lincoln. I’m not going to keep you from him… or her.”
“I know that. Look, obviously we are attracted to each other. I have good insurance, I know how hard it is to raise a child on your own. Heck, my mom had to do it for a while,” he tries to reason with me.
“Are you suggesting we get married because you have good insurance? Are you serious right now?” I almost shout at him until I remember we are sitting at a table at my job.
“Look, forgive me, I’m not saying this right. Okay, I saw what it did to my mom, and I was even there to help her. I don’t want you to go through the same thing she did. We can work together on this. Do you really want to worry about hurrying back to work and putting our kid in daycare before he’s even old enough to talk? I know mothers do it every day, but you have another option. Let me help you. Let me do the right thing.” His face is contorted with worry and I so badly want to reach over and rub the stress lines on his forehead. This is obviously very important to him and he does seem to have my and our child’s best interests at heart.
I sigh deeply, overwhelmed with it a
ll. “Let me think about it.”
Lincoln
I was stressed out the whole week it took her to get back to me. I thought about pressuring her, but decided that she is so independent all that would do is push her away. I had to let her make up her own mind.
However, once she finally agreed to marry me, everything has happened in a whirlwind. I know I’m doing the right thing. I know it’s going to be hard, but I keep reminding myself it could be worse. At least Jennifer and I are attracted to each other. She’s a beautiful woman, she’s nice, caring and a real go getter. She was raised in foster care and is working her way through college now. It’s taken her longer than most, but she hasn’t given up. All of that tells me that this is doable. That I’m doing the right thing. And even if I’m not in love with her now, who’s to say it can’t happen in the future?
It took one month for her and my mom to plan the wedding. She didn’t really have a lot of ideas or requests, so we are having a simple ceremony. Standing at the altar, I tug on my too-tight collar. I can feel the sweat dripping down my back. It’s hard when you’ve told yourself for so long that you are going to live your life one way and then do the complete opposite. I catch Jennifer’s eye as she walks down the aisle. She looks about the way I feel. But deep down inside, I know we are doing the right thing. I smile at her encouragingly and she smiles back at me.
She is beautiful in her simple white gown. Her red hair is piled on top of her head and her green eyes are bright, making me wonder if she’s been crying. When she stops in front of me, I instinctively reach out to hold her hand. We turn to the pastor and listen to him talk about forever, our vows to each other, and taking care of one another.
After she says I do and we‘ve put our rings on each other’s fingers, I am given permission to kiss the bride. Leaning down, I wrap my arms around her and kiss her briefly. Soon after, our family and friends are surrounding us, offering their congratulations. I think almost everyone in the room is aware of the circumstances of our marriage and it makes me worry about Jennifer. I know stress is not good for her or the baby. If nothing else, she deserves a great wedding day.
I look into her eyes and instead of happiness, I only see worry and weariness. I shake off the feeling that the walls are falling in on me. Even though I didn’t ever want to be married or have kids, I am determined to make the best of it. I promise to myself right then that I will never make her regret this decision.
3
Lincoln
Present Day
Kissing my wife on the cheek, and then giving my son a high five, I race out the door. It’s another typical morning for me. I feel like I don’t know if I’m coming or going anymore. It’s been like this for a while now. I recently took over the position of captain of the narcotics division and I’m still trying to organize the extra workload.
I get into my car and take a deep breath. Sometimes this is the calm before the storm and my drive to work is the most peace I have in a day.
Putting the car into reverse, I look up at the porch and see Jennifer standing there with little Eric on her hip. He’s waving goodbye to me and she’s staring at me with what I’ve come to call “the look.” It’s a look that tells me she has something on her mind, something she wants to tell me, but she can’t… or doesn’t know how. When she notices me looking her way, the corners of her lips curve into a small smile. Lifting my hand, I wave bye to her.
These last three years have sort of flown by. Eric is already almost two and a half years old. I still struggle with being overwhelmed sometimes, but I wouldn’t change a thing. He is everything to me. And I was right about Jennifer. She has turned out to be a great wife. She keeps a perfect house, takes care of Eric and doesn’t nag like I’ve heard some wives do. I come and go as I please and am able to concentrate on advancing my career without worrying about my home life.
Jennifer has taken the last three years off to concentrate on raising Eric. She did finish her degree, but says she wants to wait to go to work until Eric is in kindergarten. Which is fine with me. I don’t really like the idea of sending him to daycare anyway.
Once I get to work, the chaos starts and I take a deep breath as I walk to my office. I recently hired a new assistant and Bailey has been a godsend to me. She keeps everything organized. She sometimes comes off a little flirty, but everyone here knows I’m a married man, so I don’t worry about it much.
“Here are your messages.” She hands me a stack of papers. “And these all need your signature.”
I take everything from her and she follows me to my desk. “If I can get you anything, I mean anything, just let me know.”
I am taken aback by the soft purr of her voice, but I assure her I’m fine and she walks out the door. My phone starts ringing and I answer it, completely forgetting about Bailey.
Jennifer
It’s mid afternoon and I just got Eric down for a nap. I can’t get my mind off of Lincoln. We’ve been married three years now and I truly believe I made the right decision in marrying him. Eric loves him and he has proven to be the absolute best dad. His world revolves around our son—well, our son and work. He has moved up the ranks and is now captain, so his workload has almost doubled, it seems. But he still assures me that it’s okay for me to wait to go to work until Eric is in school. He provides for us and keeps us safe. I really am lucky… but I want more.
I know what my problem is. And I’ve fought really hard with myself to stop it from happening, but I couldn’t do it. He made it too easy. Watching him with his family, with his son, the way he takes care of me. I didn’t stand a chance. I made the mistake of falling in love with my husband. I know it’s crazy, but this whole relationship has been crazy. We seem to have done it all backwards. Love was never part of the deal and the way he is so closed off, with everyone except Eric, tells me that I don’t stand a chance. Even when we are in the throes of intimacy, I still can’t seem to get close to him.
The more I’ve learned about him, I have come to realize that I am actually his biggest enemy. Or at least the thought of me is. He never wanted to get married. He helped raise his brother and sister, and even before his dad died, he worked all the time. He was responsible for getting them to school, watching their ballgames, and helping them with their homework. The one thing he wanted was freedom… and I took it from him. He’s just a good man that wanted to do the right thing. And that’s why I have to do this. That’s why I have to turn our worlds upside down and free him from this duty he feels toward me. He can still be a good dad and not live with us. I have to give him this out. I see that this is killing him. And though he would never admit it, I know he regrets marrying me.
My only question is how will I survive it? I am in love with him. I wake up every day thankful for the family that he has given me. His mom, brother, sister and sister-in-law have all accepted me and made me feel like one of them. Our son is everything to me and so much like his daddy. Even though Lincoln’s not very expressive of his feelings, he still has made me feel like the only woman on earth. I don’t know how I will survive it, but I have to do this… I have to free him.
4
Lincoln
Wow, what a long day. Pulling into the driveway, all I can think about is how I can’t wait to get home, see my son and sit down with my wife.
Exhausted, I walk through the front door. Usually Eric is toddling to me by now but the house is eerily quiet. Jennifer walks out of the kitchen and stands in the doorway. “Hey. Eric is with your mom for the night.”
“Really? You’re okay with that?” I can’t keep the surprise out of my voice. He’s never spent the night away from home.
She takes a deep breath and walks farther into the living room. “I thought it would be a good idea. I think we need to talk.”
I set down my bag of stuff that I had brought home to work on. Putting my keys and phone on the entry table, I follow her into the living room. She sits down in a chair and I sit down on the couch next to her.
; “What’s going on, Jennifer?” I clench my hands in front of me.
“Well, I thought we should talk. Uh, I don’t know how to say this… so I’m just going to say it.” She starts and my thoughts instantly go to that day three years ago when she told me she was pregnant. My heart starts beating double time and I rub my hand across my chest.
“You’re pregnant?” I ask her point blank.
Her lips lift in a small smile, like she’s remembering that day as well. “No, not pregnant. Uh, but I do want to talk to you about us.”
Now, I’m like most men and I don’t want to talk about feelings and such but I can sense this is important to her. Shrugging my shoulders, I tell her, “Okay. What is it?”
The tears are already forming in her eyes, but I stop myself from going to her. “Just tell me.”
And then she pulls her shoulders back and puts her clasped hands out in front of her. “I think that we should get a divorce, Lincoln.”
I jump up from my seat. “What? Why would you say that?”
She starts talking with no emotion in her voice. I would think she wasn’t feeling anything right now if it wasn’t for the tears rolling down her cheeks. “Let’s be real here. You married me out of a sense of duty. You never wanted to marry me.”
I abruptly interrupt her. “Now wait a minute… I—”
“No, wait, please let me finish. I need to get this out.”