by Hamel, B. B.
Haylee thinks I’m in love with Julian. And she’s basing this entirely on the way I look at him, which is totally crazy. I mean, I like Julian. He makes me feel good, makes me happy, and he seems totally insatiable for me, but…
Love? I mean, how could I be in love with him?
He’s my dad’s age. He’s my dead dad’s old friend. My mother hates his guts. There’s no way I could be in love with him. This thing with him, it’s just a fling. It has to be just a fling.
But as soon as we finish our meeting and Haylee heads out, I find myself back at my desk, looking in at Julian while he talks on the phone.
He’s so handsome. It strikes me all over how handsome he really is. I don’t think I’ve ever been with a guy like him before. I go to bed thinking about him, I wake up thinking about him, and I’m always smiling when we’re around each other.
But that’s not love, right? I mean…
She can’t be right. It’s just crazy. I can’t be in love with this man. Everything about him is wrong for me. The whole Daddy thing is sexy, really wrong and hot, but it’s just a game. It’s not even remotely real.
Although he does keep saying he wants to take care of me. I sort of want that, deep down. I want to give myself over to him, let him pamper me, cater to my every whim, spoil me rotten.
I bet he would, if I just asked.
He hangs up the phone and meets my eyes. He grins at me and waves a little bit. My heart skips a beat. It’s such a little gesture, but it’s so… intimate.
I stand up and head over to him. It’s just after five and most people are filing out for the day. I step into his office and shut the door behind me as his receptionist packs up her bag.
“How’d it go?” he asks.
“Still on track,” I say. “Amazingly.” I walk over and sit down in front of his desk.
He comes around and sits next to me like he always does. I don’t know if he does that for anyone else. Actually, I can’t think of him ever doing it with anyone else, now that I think back.
It’s the little things that get me. The way he smiles at me, the way he looks at me. The way he sits near me, touches me, like there’s a magnet pulling him closer.
Oh, my god. This can’t be real.
I can’t be really falling in love with this man.
He cocks his head at me. “What?” he asks.
“Huh?”
“You’re staring at me with this weird look on your face.”
I feel my cheeks turn red. “Oh. Nothing, forget it. I’m fine.”
“Right.” He laughs softly. “Something Haylee said?”
“No,” I answer quickly.
He grins at me. “Okay. I’ll drop it.”
“Thanks,” I mutter.
He looks over my shoulder, out at the office. People are leaving, and soon we’ll be alone. Which can mean only one thing.
He’ll close the blinds. He’ll take off my clothes. And he’ll fuck me until I can’t walk anymore.
“Listen, there’s a meeting coming up with potential investors,” he says.
“Oh, yeah?”
“I want you to come with me.”
“Sure,” I say.
“As my partner.”
I stare at him. “Your… partner?”
“In business,” he quickly corrects. I feel strangely disappointed, but I don’t let that sink in.
“Really?” I ask.
“Really. We can make it official later on, but for now, I want you there. I want you to start learning all this stuff.”
“You don’t really have to do this, Julian.”
He reaches out and puts his hand on my knee. Another little gesture that drives me totally wild.
“I want you, Avery,” he says softly. “I keep telling you that I’m going to take care of you. This is one way I’m going to do that.”
“Giving me a company,” I whisper.
“It’s insane. I know.”
“So why do it?”
“Because I want you to have something you can always fall back on. We’re going to be successful, and when we are… you’ll have everything.”
I bite my lip, tilt my head. He leans toward me.
We kiss. I can’t help myself. He wants me to be his partner for real. He wants to bring me into his business.
The door rattles. We break apart. I feel dread fill me, cold as ice. I figure we’re about to see Marcy staring in at us, which will be pretty bad, but not the end of the world. Maybe we can convince her that it’s nothing, just a one-time thing, or maybe…
I look over at the door.
My mother is standing there, staring at us, her face white as a sheet.
“Fuck,” Julian says, jumping to his feet. “Samantha.”
“What’s going on?” she asks.
“Mom.” I stand up and step toward her. “Hey. Uh. What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to surprise you,” she says softly. “You haven’t invited me to the office yet, so I thought I’d just…” She gives a harsh little laugh. “Now I see why I haven’t been invited.”
“Mom,” I say.
“Samantha, hold on,” Julian says.
“No,” she answers, ice-cold and flat. Her gaze rests on Julian. “What the hell are you doing with my daughter?”
“It’s not what it looks like.”
“You were kissing her!” Mom’s voice rises, shrill and angry.
“Mom.” I say. “Please. Calm down.”
“Calm down?” She turns to me. “Your father is rolling over in his fucking grave. His body is barely cold. And you’re kissing this… this… piece of shit?”
I stumble back like she slapped me.
Julian groans. “Please, Sam. It’s not like that.”
“No, you motherfucker. You piece of fucking shit. You’re the scum of the fucking earth for touching her like that. You think Kevin would be okay with this? He fucking wouldn’t be. He’d beat the shit out of you and tell you never to come near his daughter again.” Mom takes a menacing step toward Julian and I can’t move a muscle. It’s like I’m frozen in place.
“It’s not like that,” he says softly.
“It’s always like that with you.” She says it like a curse, like she’s spitting on the floor. “You use people, destroy them, throw them away. That’s what you did to Kevin and that’s what you’ll do to his daughter. But I won’t let you.” Mom steps closer to Julian. “Stay away from her. If I ever, ever hear of this. I swear to god, Julian, I will kill you.”
His eyes go wide. “Samantha. I’m not going to hurt her.”
“Lying piece of shit.” She looks at me. “And you, you should know better. Stay away from this man. Quit this job if you have any sense of decency left in you.” She makes a face, disgusted and horrified. “You both make me sick.”
She turns and leaves the office. The door slides shut behind her.
Julian collapses into his seat. “Oh, fuck,” he whispers.
“She…” I can’t even finish my sentence.
“Avery, wait.”
I walk to the door. I look back at him.
Julian looks destroyed.
I shake my head. I can’t say a word. I turn and leave his office, and I walk home, my head spinning, the world crashing down around me.
15
Julian
I pour a glass of whiskey and stare at the fire roaring in my fireplace.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so shitty about kissing someone in my entire life, and I’ve kissed some people I really, really shouldn’t have. I’ve kissed married women, women with boyfriends, women with girlfriends, and a ton of others I probably should’ve stayed away from.
But this… this is the worst.
It’s not that I’m ashamed of wanting Avery. Really, far from it. I’m proud of what I’m building with her. I’m proud that I have her and I want to fucking show her off.
But she’s my dead friend’s daughter. And her mother had to find out about it in the wo
rst fucking way.
I wish we had told Samantha straight up, or at least we figured out a better way for her to find out. The problem is, Avery and I don’t have a defined relationship. We’re just sleeping together, and I took her virginity, and she calls me Daddy…
Well, okay. I’m glad we didn’t tell Sam the whole fucking truth. I think she would have a goddamn meltdown.
Not that I could blame her.
But shit, this is so fucked.
As I’m sipping my whiskey, my phone starts to ring. I jump up and run over to it, hoping it’s Avery, but instead…
“Hey, Sam,” I say, answering.
“I want to meet.”
She doesn’t sound happy and I know this won’t be a pleasant conversation.
“When and where?”
“Now, Rittenhouse Square. I’m sitting on a bench near the middle.”
I clear my throat. Public place, just after dark…
She’s either going to kill me or make sure she’s not tempted to kill.
“I’ll be there soon.”
I hang up, down my drink, and head outside. I grab a cab and have him drop me off across the street from the Barnes & Noble. I head into the park, surprised to find it still full of people, although I shouldn’t be shocked. It’s a nice night and people want to be outside.
I find Sam sitting on a bench toward the middle, just like she said. An older couple is sitting nearby with a tiny little dog running around between them.
I stop near Sam and she looks up at me.
“Sit,” she says.
I hesitate, but I sit down. We leave a big gap between us.
“Listen, Sam—” I start, but she cuts me off.
“No, please. I want you to listen, okay?”
I grunt and nod. Fucking hell.
“When Kevin died, I felt like my whole world came crashing down. I’ve been with him so long, shared so much with him, and I felt…” She pauses for a second. “I felt like I lost a part of me.”
I stay quiet, watching her. She doesn’t look at me. She’s staring across the park, at something in the distance.
“I didn’t think anything could feel worse than that. At least, until I walked in on you kissing my daughter.”
I feel that right in my fucking gut. I have to look away from her, down at my feet.
“You know he loved you, right?” she asks softly. “Kevin always looked up to you, thought you were the coolest guy, even when your lives took different paths. Do you have any idea how much he looked up to you?”
“No,” I say softly.
“He did. He worshiped you, Julian. I think that if I liked you even a little bit more, he would’ve spent a lot more time with you.” She laughs bitterly. “Maybe he would’ve figured out how much of a scumbag you are on his own if that happened, but oh, well.”
I clench my fists. I know she’s right, I know he looked up to me…
But fucking hell. I’ve done some bad shit in my life, but kissing Avery isn’t one of them. I just wish she could understand.
“Here’s the deal,” she says finally. “If you stay away from Avery, if you never speak to her again, if you disappear from our lives, this all goes away. But if you so much as sneeze in her direction, I’m going to make your life a living hell. I’ll start with the cops and lawyers, and if that goes nowhere, I’ll start calling the press. I’ll tell this story everywhere. You’ve done some bad things, Julian, and I think this story is going to be the cherry on top of the shit sundae that has been your entire existence.”
I finally look up at her. She’s staring at me, anger in her eyes, pure hatred.
“You know,” I say softly, “I’m not perfect, but I never did figure out why you hate me so much.”
She laughs bitterly. “Because you were such a piece of shit to Kevin and I hated seeing him chase you around like a puppy dog.”
I shake my head. “No, that’s not it. I mean, I can see you resenting me for that, but you hate me. You always have. Why is that?”
She’s quiet for a second. “I think you’re a rotten person. That’s all there is to it.”
I nod a little bit. “Yeah, maybe. I can see that, I guess. I haven’t exactly been a saint all these years. But you know what?” I turn to her now, pleading with her, trying to get her to see the truth. “Of all the shitty things I’ve done, kissing Avery is one I’ll never regret.”
She glares at me like she wants to strangle me. “I don’t give a shit what you think. Stay away from her.”
“Sam, listen. It’s not sordid, it’s not gross, it’s…”
“Oh, my god. Listen to yourself, Julian. You, what? You love my daughter?” She makes a face like she wants to puke. “You’re not capable of love.”
“Yes, I am.”
“No, you aren’t. You’re like a robot that’s been programmed to love, but you’ll never really understand it. There’s something broken inside of you.”
I feel my anger flare up. I know this is the wrong time to feel angry, but fuck this.
Fuck this, god damn it.
“No,” I say. “Maybe I’m not perfect. I’ve done fucked-up things. But I’m not broken.”
“You can’t come back from this.”
“I don’t want to come back from this,” I say to her viciously. “Don’t you get it?”
She stands. “I can’t listen to you anymore. Stay away or you’ll regret it.”
I want to shout at her. I want to curse and scream. Instead, I just watch her walk away, my whole body shaking.
Fuck her. Fuck her. Fuck her.
I’m not broken. I’m capable of love. I’m capable of so much more than she thinks. Maybe she knew me at a bad time in my life, didn’t like the way I treated Kevin… but fuck that. She’s gone too far.
I try calling Avery, but don’t get an answer. I don’t bother leaving her a message. She needs space and time right now to figure out what the hell she wants.
But I know what I want.
Samantha can threaten me, insult me, berate me, do whatever she wants to me. I don’t give a shit.
I want Avery. I want her daughter.
I’m falling in love, and I won’t give that up for anything.
I get up and walk back to my apartment.
I’m falling in love. And fuck anyone who tries to get in my way.
16
Julian
I give Avery five days to figure out what she wants.
We don’t speak through the weekend, and she doesn’t come into work the next week. I give her space and I don’t push her. I don’t try calling or texting her, or bothering her after that first night.
I know what I want. I know what I’m willing to risk for it. But I need her to be sure before she makes that decision.
So I wait. Haylee works with one of my editors, and when she asks me why Avery isn’t around, I make up some excuse about Avery being sick.
“Hope she feels better,” Haylee says. “You didn’t do anything to her, right?”
I glare at the young author. “Of course not.”
She grins. “No STDs?”
I roll my eyes. “Unprofessional.”
“Sure, whatever.”
Things go on like that. It’s pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever done, not calling Avery. All I want to do is hear her voice, ask her what she’s thinking, ask her what she’s feeling. I want to comfort her at the very least, but I know I can’t do anything.
I’m afraid Sam is keeping her locked up in a basement somewhere. That’s only partially absurd. Sam is freaking scary when she wants to be.
But finally, after five days, I know I can’t wait any longer.
I leave work early on a Thursday and head home. I get changed, drink half a whiskey for confidence, and ride my elevator down to the ground floor of the building.
Where I find Avery standing near the entrance, chewing on her fingernails.
She looks surprised to see me. I stare at her, not sure what I should do. I’m afra
id that if I move, she’ll go running off like a scared deer.
She takes a few steps toward me and I see resolve in her eyes.
“Avery,” I say finally. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” she says, taking a deep breath. “Can we talk?”
“Of course. Do you want to go up?”
She nods and we step into the elevator. We stand next to each other, but we don’t touch. All I want to do is touch her, so fucking badly, but I’m afraid of going too far, too fast. I don’t want to scare her away, not when she’s finally here with me, after five days of silence.
We get up into my apartment. She walks into my kitchen right away and helps herself to some of my whiskey.
“I didn’t know you like that stuff,” I say.
She makes a face as she drinks it. “Hate it.”
I laugh a little and pour myself a glass. “Helps though, right?”
“I guess.” She looks at me. “I haven’t heard from you.”
“I know. I thought… I figured you’d want space. I tried to, that first night.”
“I know.” She sighs. “I wasn’t ready. I guess you were right to wait.”
I nod a little. We’re standing so far apart and all I want to do is bridge the gap.
“Have you talked to your mom?” I ask her.
“A little bit.”
I frown. “Just a little bit?”
“I don’t really want to talk to her.”
I hesitate. I won’t let myself feel hopeful. “Why?”
She meets my gaze. “You know why.”
I step toward her. “No. Tell me.”
“Julian, I—”
She stops herself, takes a breath.
I walk over to her. Fuck the weirdness, fuck the distance. I step up to her, take the glass from her hand and put it on the counter while stooping down to kiss her, all in one smooth motion.
She throws her arms around my neck and kisses me back.
It lingers, the kiss. It lingers for a long time and I can feel all that hope, all that fear, all that desire and love and more spring up through me.
I was so afraid that we were done.
I was afraid I lost her, that we couldn’t survive this.