“Then you came here? Is your mother still in St. Louis?”
She shook her head. “She planned to take an extended trip to Europe after I wed William. That is when I discovered she had a good deal of wealth of her own. She could have gotten us out of debt quickly. Greedy is what she is. I left as soon as I found out about the money. I left in the dark of night. I had the money Mr. Rank sent me for a train ticket. I traded it in for a much cheaper seat so I could afford to send him a wire, letting him know I was coming. I didn’t mind. I was just as glad that I had a way out of town. It seems so long ago now.” She closed her eyes for a long moment, her soft breathing lifting and lowering her chest.
“I’ve tired you out. I’m sorry,” he told her gently. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re fine before I go back to Texas. I’ll check on you later.”
Chapter Three
Phoebe slammed her fist against the mattress. Frustration, fear, and rage filled her. No matter how hard she struggled, her legs wouldn’t move. She didn’t even feel them when she rubbed them. Hopefully, no one would notice her bruises she’d made by pinching her legs so hard. Resting wasn’t helping her, and if she had to drink another drop of willow bark tea, she’d scream.
More than once she’d forgotten her legs didn’t work and ended up on the floor. Luckily, Shea had been around to help her up, but that brought its own humiliation; having him see her in her nightgown. She couldn’t be better covered, but it wasn’t seemly.
This was her punishment for disobeying her mother. She should have just meekly wed William. The thought of him sent a shudder through her. There hadn’t been a single word that man had uttered she’d thought to be the truth.
She bit back a sob. What would become of her? Shea kept telling her to hope for the best. Easy for him to say. She sighed; it wasn’t fair to speculate about him. If God was punishing her, she was relieved that the bull had hurt no one else. She was lucky his massive horns hadn’t gored her.
She simply had a new lot in life, and somehow, she’d have to come to accept it. The heaviness of her heart was almost too extreme to bear.
The door opened, and she quickly pasted a smile on her face.
“Phoebe? I’m Dr. Kennedy.” The new doctor was graceful as she walked into the room carrying a black bag. Her braided dark hair hung down her back. Her brown eyes held kindness. Right away Phoebe relaxed with this woman.
“I’m going to have to take some time examining your back. I believe in an accurate diagnosis and hate to leave a patient guessing an outcome. Will you allow me to take off your gown? I’ll cover you with the sheet when I’m not looking at a specific area.”
“I’d welcome any help you can offer me.” Her heart beat hard and fast against her ribs. Dare she hope for a different outcome?
Dr. Kennedy helped her get ready for the examination. At the doctor’s direction, Phoebe lay on her stomach.
“Phoebe, can you try to relax your back muscles? It would be a great help.”
Relaxing was hard, but after a bit Phoebe succeeded. The doctor spent what seemed to be an excessively long time studying her spine.
“Let me help you sit up, and I can slip your gown on,” Dr. Kennedy said.
It had to be bad news. Tears crowded Phoebe’s eyes as she allowed the doctor to aid her. The exam had exhausted her, but she sat straight on the bed with her back leaning against the pillows.
“What do you think?” Phoebe asked after a few moments of silence. She clutched the comforter covering her making fists with her hands.
Dr. Kennedy drew the wooden chair next to the bed. “I wish I had positive news for you. Your spine is broken, so your legs won’t move. You’ve lost all feeling and I wish I could tell you it will mend, but it doesn’t work that way. If you like, I can order a wheelchair for you.”
Phoebe covered one balled up fisted hand with her other one and rubbed it hard.
“Do you have questions for me?”
Phoebe shook her head. She’d never get a word out past the lump in her throat.
“I will be here tomorrow to check on you. I bet you’ll have a few questions after you’ve thought it all over,” Dr. Kennedy said gently before she got up, grabbed her bag and left.
Phoebe waited for the tears to appear, but they never did. Was she in shock? A wheelchair! Who was going to push her around in a wheelchair? Her heart dropped; it would surely be the institution for her. She was officially broken, unfixable. There would be no aspirations or dreams.
Lord, please help me get through this with grace and dignity.
What’s done is done, and what is gone is gone forever. She recited the words over and over.
“Can I come in?” Shea’s voice startled her.
“Yes, be sure to leave the door wide open,” she responded then suppressed a laugh. It probably didn’t matter anymore.
“I saw Dr. Kennedy walking toward town and wondered if she was coming from seeing you…” His look of concern was almost her undoing.
She nodded and grasped her hands together. “She’s going to order a wheelchair for me. I haven’t figured out how to reimburse her, but I will before I leave. I’m good with a needle, so maybe…”
“I’m very sorry, Phoebe. If you require anything, I’ll take care of it.”
He’d been good to her, but one misfortune shouldn’t hold him tied to her. “You are a generous man.” Gazing at him would lead her to much sorrow. Staring at her hands was easier.
“I’m going to wire my family and have that bull put down.” His tone was laced with bitterness.
Lifting her head, she gazed at him. “Please don’t. Maybe the bull was frightened. Things happen, and with the guidance of the Lord we learn to accept them.” Her throat grew dry.
He angled his head and gave her an assessing stare. “I have known no one like you, Phoebe. Your acceptance of your situation is admirable.”
She shook her head. “I haven’t gotten there yet. There is nothing to do but accept the truth, but that doesn’t mean I’m not faltering. Sometimes I can’t work out which way is up. My thoughts keep going, and I haven’t found a fragment of peace yet. I will come through stronger than I started, but there will be so many bumps in the road. It’s not the bull’s fault. It was an accident. My spirit may be bruised, but it isn’t broken. I must find courage I don’t possess. I need to picture a different future. I don’t know how, but God will show me a sign. It’s up to me to find my happiness. I must learn not to compare now to how it was. So, you understand it will be a hard journey, but I refuse to crumble.” Her speech left her breathless. Such brave and optimistic words. Words were easy, though. It was all in the doing.
Shea bent and kissed her forehead. “I’m honored to know you. Remember, you are not alone. And you’re right, it will be a rough road, but you will have people by your side.” He smiled and left, closing the door behind him.
The tears she couldn’t summon before poured down her face. Reaching over to the bedside table, she picked up the glass of water and drained it. Next, she took her bible off the table. It would be her solace.
She knew Psalm 27 would bring her comfort.
27 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
3 Though a host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
4 One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple.
5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.
6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sin
g, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.
7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.
9 Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.
10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.
11 Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.
12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.
She read it three times and with each reading she felt a sudden serenity fill her soul. The Lord was with her, of that she had no doubt.
Chapter Four
Swallowing hard, Phoebe struggled to smile at Dee Carson, her full-time nurse. Dee didn’t seem to recognize her own strength, and Phoebe had the bruises to prove it—bigger and darker ones than she had given herself when she was trying to feel her legs. It was nice to have someone to aid her, so there was no reason to complain. Dee was an older woman who had grown children. She was the type who didn’t prefer to be idle or remain still for long. Her cheerful demeanor, though, was decidedly welcome.
It had been a few weeks since the accident, and Phoebe could feel herself growing stronger in mind, body, and faith. Mrs. Carroll had been her rock, and Shea had become a trustworthy friend.
An immense deal of commotion as if someone was knocking into the furniture drew her attention. Shea pushed a wheelchair into her room, accompanied by Dr. Kennedy and Mrs. Carroll. There wasn’t one attractive feature about it.
It looked to be composed of woven cane, rather like a chair with two wooden wheels large in circumference but thinner rather than wider. Her heart thumped faster, and she felt sick. Somehow seeing the chair made her condition so profoundly real.
Dr. Kennedy hastened to her and took her hand. “I know how discouraging using a wheelchair is at first, but it’ll grant you certain freedoms such as going to the store or to church.”
Swallowing hard, Phoebe nodded. Everyone else looked so pleased for her, and all she wished to do was cry. Courage, Lord, please send me courage. “Thank you.”
“Well, let’s go on our first outing to the general store,” Mrs. Carroll suggested.
Dee moved to the bed to lift her.
“Allow me,” Shea said. “You lift her all day.” He grinned.
Didn’t he realize his words were hurtful? No one seemed to act as though she was even in the same room half the time. There had been many times they talked of her and not with her. Pasting a smile on her face, she allowed Shea to lift her and settle her into the chair.
As soon as they wheeled her out of the house, she smiled a sincere, grateful smile. The sun was gleaming, and the sky was the loveliest blue she’d ever encountered.
“Next time we’ll carry her outside to her chair,” Dee told them.
She had a point. Getting down the few steps had been jarring. She knew Shea was doing his best. A fragrant breeze swept over her as sweetly as a mother’s caress. Everyone was so excited she pretended to be too.
People stopped and gawked at her. They probably hadn’t ever seen a chair such as this one. She’d never seen a wheelchair before.
They passed the dress shop, and she adored a blue dress hanging in the window. She took a hard breath as she glanced away; she didn’t need delicate dresses. They finally made their way to the general store and a tall man greeted them. He threw her a peculiar glance and then ignored her.
Dee insisted on pushing her around in the store. They would often pause to marvel at an item. The heated stares from other patrons bore into her. Reaching out, she picked up a lovely hair comb. She smiled, showing it to Dee who admired it immensely.
“Should she be touching the merchandise? I don’t wish to purchase something she has handled,” a woman in a gray bonnet commented aloud.
Phoebe set the comb back. It was a relief when the woman moved. They made their way to the back of the store. Another woman hurried over and took a blanket off the shelf. She tucked it all around Phoebe’s legs and waist.
“That’s better, dear. No one needs a glimpse of your tragedy. Keep the blanket; I’ll place it on my tab.” She patted Phoebe’s hand and hurried on her way.
She probably meant well, but it was disturbing all the same. Mrs. Carroll smiled as though she was pleased for her. Dee said something about how nice the woman had been. Phoebe shut them all out of her awareness. If she didn’t, she’d break down, and weakness was not acceptable anymore. It was interesting just how people reacted to her. Some stared while others turned away, not wanting to look at her. Most people hadn’t spoken to her and when they wanted to know something about her, they asked one of her companions as though Phoebe had lost her tongue along with the use of her legs. Or maybe they considered her mindless. Either way, it was disheartening, and her face ached from feigning a smile.
At last, she was on her way back to the house. Loneliness blanketed her. No one would ever know how she felt. Others couldn’t even fathom how painful it all was. She needed to talk to Dr. Kennedy about that place where they hid away all the useless individuals. Her shoulders sank. Not useless, not entirely. She’d been so deep in thought it jolted her when Shea lifted her out of the chair and strode up the few steps to Mrs. Carroll’s house.
He set her on the bed. “I’d call that a successful trip. It wasn’t hard to move the chair at all. I’m pleased we went.” He left the room, probably to move the chair inside.
He quickly returned with a few packages. “These are for you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Open them.”
This time, her smile didn’t hurt her face! Genuine smiles must be painless. She made quick work of opening the packages and happiness filled her. Shea had actually listened to her. He had bought her two books, sewing instruments, and enough cloth and floss to embroider. One gift stood out as more important than the rest: a crucifix. It was a simple one, created out of wood.
It stirred her heart.
“I thought I could put a wooden base on it so it would stand nicely on this table where you could see it always.”
“You went to so much trouble.” Her smile widened. “But yes, I would appreciate it on a stand so I can easily take it with me when I leave. You’ve been so good to me, I don’t know how to thank you.”
“No thanks needed. After all, this is my fault.”
A knife wouldn’t have cut so deep. Guilt must be what pushed him to be so generous. Every moment, every gift he’d given her wasn’t because he wanted her friendship. Humiliation filled her; she’d been eating up all his attention and it… Oh, she was such a fool. Why she had thought someone like Shea would waste his words on her just proved how foolish she was. It would serve her better to keep to herself and not form any type of attachments to the people around her.
If she was being honest with herself, she missed her home. Even though she would still be able to walk had she stayed, there was no way William would have made a good husband. She wasn’t the type of woman who could look the other way. William had a reputation for being a favorite customer of… Well, it was too shameful to ponder. It had come as a shock to discover her mother didn’t care as long as the man had money. A piece of her heart had broken off after their last argument.
“Phoebe? What did you mean about leaving? Has someone offered marriage?” Shea asked.
“You look as though it wouldn’t be possible.” Sadness filled her and she shook her head. “No, there have been no proposals. I need to be practical and I’m going to ask Dr. Kennedy which of those places for the ill
are best. I’m exhausted. Thank you again for all the gifts.” It was difficult to evade his gaze because she wanted to fall into his gorgeous eyes, but somehow, she managed.
Chapter Five
Shea could feel how heavy Phoebe’s heart must be. It troubled him as he walked into the parlor. Why couldn’t she just trust he’d make it right? He sat in a chair near the front window and then shook his head. He didn’t even know what the correct thing would be.
He could pay Mrs. Carroll to keep Phoebe and the same with Dee. She’d be happier here than some place for the ill. He’d thought to take her to the ranch and hand her over to the housekeeper Dolly to care for, but that wasn’t appropriate. Maybe Dee would want to come and live on the ranch too, though. Who wouldn’t want to live in the great state of Texas?
Maybe he could pay one of the ranch hands to marry her. She’d have a relatively regular life. A sense of relief settled over him. Whew, he’d finally figured out the solution.
Three hours later he had three women so furious he’d had to leave the house. Maybe they’d cool down quickly…he hoped. He might just have to stay at the hotel for the night.
It had all come apart when Dee told him she wasn’t moving to Texas and that she was a woman, not an employee he could cart around the country. Mrs. Carroll was offended. Why? He didn’t rightly know. The worst was Phoebe. She’d just sat there looking defeated especially when he had at last said he’d leave her here and pay for her keep.
No matter what he did, it was wrong. Stubborn was the correct word to describe Phoebe. She’d willingly go to an institution for the ill than take him up on his offers. She had nowhere else to go. Why had she thought there would be better choices?
Shea: Cowboy Chance: The Kavanagh Brothers Book 10 Page 2