But his for me hadn’t.
That hurt was difficult to overcome.
“Do you want me to make you a cake?” my sister asked, wiggling her eyebrows at me. “It’s hard to have boy troubles when you have my chocolate cake to eat.”
“Is food your answer to everything?” I teased. Emily was right. It would be a lot easier to look on the bright side when my stomach was more full of cake than it was full of the kind of butterflies that Lev had inspired in me.
I wanted to be able to see a way past this. There had to be a future in which Lev and I could be friends without it feeling like I’d missed a step on the stairs and gone tumbling down into emotions that Lev didn’t share.
“I can help you make a cake,” I said. All the baking practice that I’d done with Lev had to be good for something. “And we can make a plan for how I’m going to meet someone else to crush on. Preferably without letting mom set me up.” If worse came to worst, I had no doubt that my mom had a list of men from Russian families that were looking for a nice girlfriend.
Finding a bowl and then setting out all the ingredients, Emily hummed. “I’m sure we can find you someone to go and date,” she promised. “Someone who we find without mom’s involvement,” she added with a grin.
It was nice how Emily was always on my side. Having such great support felt pretty awesome. I owed it to my sister not to mope around. Yeah, Lev still was on my mind but I could put that aside at least partially and temporarily.
So I let Emily tell me what to do so we could start on the cake and, in turn, I told her about the stuff that had been going on at work. For now, I could try to not think about Lev.
Chapter Fifteen
My life was spiraling out of my grasp. I tried very hard to forget about kissing Maria, the way her body had felt against mine. In fact, I spent so much time trying to forget it that it was the only thing I could think about. Our friendship seemed to have returned to normal, so I didn’t worry too much.
Still, it had been foolish of me to kiss Maria. She was my friend. I didn’t want to lose that. The idea of ruining our friendship by dating and breaking up was not appealing to me. And sure, maybe I should’ve thought that we might not break up, but even then... our relationship would change. And I simply could not afford to lose Maria’s friendship.
I had told her the truth when I’d said she was my best friend.
The connection I had with Maria was not like any I’d ever had. She brightened my day, even by just sending me a message saying she’s gotten to work safely. I loved how much Maria tried to write in Russian but sometimes she would just give up and half of the message ended up in English.
It was endearing and very her.
So we would stay friends. I could be a good friend, I was sure. Being a good boyfriend was something I was a lot less confident about. In no small part because of how bad my relationship with Kira had been.
There had been good times, definitely, but by the end, I could remember more bad ones than not. And that sucked. The good times had been good. I missed the way Kira and I had used to get on. It was hard to remember a time when everything about us hadn’t been based around how Kira felt.
Those sorts of thoughts led me to invite Kira over. Honestly, I couldn’t even remember the last time we’d spent time together as friends. Or even just without Kira crying. I offered to order some takeout and maybe we could watch a movie or play some video games.
Once Kira was at my house, it felt strangely awkward.
Maybe I was just used to how easy it was to have a conversation with Maria. “Are you enjoying the movie?” I asked, hoping that maybe that would get a conversation started.
“Not particularly.” Kira shrugged and I couldn’t help but sigh. She frowned at me. “I’m just telling you the truth.” Which, yes, I understood. It was hard not to find it frustrating. Not Kira not enjoying herself, but the fact that we struggled so much to act like normal people around each other.
“I just wanted to spend time with you,” I commented. “Like how we used to.” A long time ago we had gotten on. Before the fights, before the challenges. I saw the way Kira flinched at that. An apology was on my lips quicker than I could think. That was, after all, our way. I said things that upset Kira and then I apologized for them.
Reaching for the remote, Kira paused the movie. “I can just go,” she said. I shook my head.
“That’s not what I want, Kira. I just... I want things to be normal between us.” But as I said it, I realized that what I didn’t want was to date Kira again. As much as we had been on-and-off for years, I no longer felt that same sort of pull towards her.
I cared, but not like a lover might. Truthfully, I couldn’t imagine that Kira cared for me that way either anymore.
She seemed to, at least a little bit, sense what I was thinking. Kira gave a small sigh. “Can we have Thai food?” she asked. I could see that it was her olive branch to me. I liked Thai food more than Kira did.
“Yeah,” I confirmed with a smile.
I was about to find my phone so we could order when the front door unlocked. Kira’s eyes widened as she turned to me. “Are you expecting someone?” she asked, almost like an accusation. I knew, without her even calling out, that it was Maria. She was the only person who had a key to my house other than my cleaner. And Eric only came over in the mornings.
“I’m not, but Maria’s got a key. She comes over to bake,” I answered, trying not to let anxiety build in my stomach. There was nothing to be anxious about. Maria was my friend and Kira... well, I was trying to find a way she could be my friend, too.
When Maria entered the living room, her eyes widened. She clearly hadn’t expected to see Kira there. “Hey,” I greeted, not wanting to make this even more awkward. “Maria, this is Kira. Kira, Maria,” I introduced before turning back to Kira. “Maria’s a friend.”
“A friend who has a key to your house?” Kira asked in Russian, raising an eyebrow at me.
I could see the indecision in Maria’s eyes. It was only there for a moment, then she pulled a neutral smile onto her face. “Kira! It’s so nice to meet you,” she said in Russian, clearly pretending that she hadn’t heard Kira’s question. Some people would have pretended not to understand - but I couldn’t imagine Maria doing that. She had too much integrity to let Kira talk in a language she assumed that Maria didn’t speak.
“Lev has been helping me practice my Russian. Between him and Anya, I think I’m getting the hang of it again.”
Maria’s gaze flashed to me, her lips pursing into a frown. “I should have called,” she offered apologetically. “I can go.” She hefted a bag of ingredients from one hand to the other. “I’ll just… cook at home.”
“No.” I shook my head.
This was awkward, I could appreciate that. But... it shouldn’t be. Maria was my friend and Kira was... well, some variety of friend, too. I cared for both of them. Having them meet wasn’t a bad thing. Especially since Kira wasn’t in one of her moods at the moment.
“Yes, Lev’s right,” Kira nodded. “Stay. I’d love to learn more about how the two of you know each other.” It sounded insincere, but I let it go. And so did Maria. I knew that she would try; I truly appreciated that about Maria.
“We were just going to order some Thai food if you want to join us? Unless you’re cooking for something in particular? Otherwise, things will keep till tomorrow,” I offered hopefully. I wanted to make this less weird.
“Great,” Maria agreed. I could hear the faint note of stress in her voice - but I didn’t think Kira would be able to. It was only obvious to me because I knew Maria so well. “Thai food is my favorite, after Russian,” she teased. The twinkle in her eye made me chuckle.
She set her bag of shopping aside, coming to sit in the armchair nearest to Kira’s side of the couch. “There’s not too much to learn,” she explained. Glancing at me, she left a pause just long enough for me to wonder why I hadn’t mentioned meeting Maria to Kira at any point.<
br />
“We met by accident, really,” she offered. “Lev needed a spare tire. I was just the first person who stopped to help.”
“Not that you had a spare tire,” I teased. “But Masha gave me a lift to the stadium so I wasn’t late for the game,” I explained. I saw Kira’s eyebrow shoot up at that.
‘Masha?’ she mouthed. I gave an easy shrug. Masha was what most Russians would call any ‘Maria’. I didn’t feel like I needed to explain that. But I did wonder if Kira’s sudden interest in my friendship with Maria might’ve been based on the fact that she knew what my soulmark read.
While Kira had grown up in a Russian family, she was still raised in the States. The attitude towards the significance of soulmarks was very different here.
That was not a conversation I in any way wanted to have right now.
“Yeah, so we’ve been friends ever since,” I said instead, giving Maria a wide smile. “Maria’s learning to cook Russian food and I’m... I don’t know, I guess I’m the guinea pig?”
“And language teacher,” Maria pointed out. “Even if you can’t teach me the Russian words for trees.” Kira frowned, making me realize how many little in-jokes Maria and I had built up over the last few months. Without meaning to, we talked to each other in a way that didn’t necessarily make it easy for other people to join in.
Maria noticed it, too. “Lev took me to the botanical gardens,” she said, by way of explanation. “Because I said I missed the flowers in Moscow.” Her smile at me was warm and grateful. I’d never explicitly told her that was why. I liked knowing that she’d picked up on it.
“Have you always lived in Madison?” Maria asked, turning the conversation to Kira. It was the easiest way of making sure she didn’t feel excluded, I supposed.
“No,” Kira shook her head. “My parents moved here from Maryland when I was seven,” she answered. “They were born in Russia,” she added. I couldn’t remember whether I had told Maria that Kira’s parents were Russian. Honestly, I felt like I probably hadn’t. Even now, having the two of them speak, I felt awkward at the prospect of them meeting.
I really needed to get over that.
“So where else has Lev taken you?” Kira asked. My eyes widened a little at the question. I felt like there was something under it, an accusation maybe. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
The answer, it struck me, was ‘a lot of places’. Maria and I went places and we did things. It was not something I had ever done with Kira. Not unless fancy fashion events counted.
Maria couldn’t know how different my relationship with Kira had been from my relationship with her. Not that we were in a relationship. We were just friends. I’d made that clear. Still, Maria seemed to sense the same undercurrent to Kira’s question that I had.
“We went out on the lake,” she answered. It didn’t escape me how she’d subtly changed the phrasing. This wasn’t somewhere I had taken her, it was somewhere we’d gone together. As friends would. “I wanted to show Lev what Madison has to offer, and I used to go boating on the lake with my sister and my parents.”
Maria smiled, leaning towards Kira, making every effort to be friendly with her. “What’s your favorite thing about Wisconsin?”
I could tell that the question surprised Kira. Or maybe it was how nice Maria was. Kira’s instinct was to prickle up towards people - like a hedgehog. There was a time when I had loved that I was one of the few people she didn’t do that with. Right now, it just felt a bit bitchy. Maria was trying hard to engage Kira. I didn’t feel like she was getting that same effort back.
“I like hockey,” Kira answered. It made my eyes widen. Whatever I had expected her to pick, it hadn’t been that. “I’ve always loved watching Lev play. Do you?” she asked.
I wondered if I needed to find a way to stop this conversation.
Maria’s cheeks flushed pink. She didn’t even risk a glance at me. Kira seemed to think this was a competition, but Maria refused to take the bait. She shrugged. “Sure, I like hockey. I grew up in Madison, half the boys in my high school dreamed of playing for the NHL.”
Despite the fraught circumstances, her words filled me with a glow of pride. I, too, had dreamed of playing professional hockey. Unlike so many others, I had succeeded. It felt good to know that Maria saw that, that she appreciated it.
“But my sister and her wife are the real hockey fans,” Maria continued. “They’d go to every game if they had the time.”
I honestly had no idea where Kira planned to take this conversation. I felt like I needed to interject before she said something that made Maria uncomfortable. “Maria and I, we’re friends outside of hockey,” I commented truthfully. I had so many hockey friends, both on my team and outside of it. Maria was my only friend who I hadn’t met through hockey.
Well, Maria and Kira. Right now, I wasn’t sure whether describing Kira as my friend would even be accurate.
“What is it that you were planning to make tonight?” I asked, hoping to steer the conversation in a different direction.
Maria, at least, seemed to light up at the question. “I wanted to make stroganoff,” she answered. “I was talking to Emily about how much I’ve learned from Anya - and from baking with you. But none of it is a quick meal that I could make for myself after work.” Knowing how long Anya and Maria had spent making solyanka together, I could see what she meant. It wasn’t a quick and easy meal.
“I thought I’d come over and see how quickly I could make stroganoff,” Maria continued. “And, obviously, test it on you to see if it’s edible.”
I chuckled, and Maria glanced towards her shopping. “I should go put that away,” she observed. She looked at me, almost as if asking permission to go and put her things in my kitchen.
Looking towards where Maria had set the bags down, I nodded. “Yeah, of course. You want me to help you?” I asked, already starting to get up. But Maria shook her head. I wasn’t sure if that was because she didn’t want my help or because she felt like she’d intruded enough. Asking didn’t seem right. I let Maria go sort the bags out herself.
It left me alone with Kira. She raised an eyebrow at me. “What?” I asked, feeling like I probably could’ve guessed what she was about to say.
“How come you’ve never mentioned Masha to me?” she asked. I had to frown at the way she said Maria’s name. It felt more like an insult than anything else. There was a sharply approaching fire in my chest, an instant need to defend Maria. A need that I oppressed since Kira hadn’t really said anything insulting.
Instead, I shrugged. “I don’t know. It never seemed like the right time.” At least that much was definitely true. Kira hadn’t been well enough to learn about anything going on in my life.
On the other hand, I knew what she was getting at.
Maria had entered my life with such speed and such significance that it felt like everything had changed. In a way, I had been too afraid to tell Kira. There were many things about my relationship with Kira that were in better perspective now.
But this was not the time to have that conversation, surely?
I stood, to go see if there was, after all, something I could help Maria with. Kira stopped me, her hand wrapping around my wrist. “I’m sorry,” she said, surprising me. I wasn’t sure what she was apologizing for.
“You don’t have to apologize,” I promised. I didn’t think Kira did. It wasn’t her fault how she’d been feeling.
As she stood up, Kira’s hand was still wrapped around my wrist. “Well, I am. I know how much you’ve done for me and I... I’m sorry you’ve had to,” Kira said, looking down. I couldn’t help reaching out with my free hand to lift her chin up.
I was about to say how it was okay, she was my friend, even if she was a different sort of friend from Maria. We might not be together - nor could I ever see us being together again - but Kira meant a lot to me. I would never want to see her sad.
But before I could say any of that, Kira’s lips were against mine.
&n
bsp; Her free hand settled on my chest, just like it always had. The feeling of her mouth, moving softly under mind, was so familiar. Her body pressed against me, the scent of her shampoo and the curve of her hip reminding me of so many other times we had done this.
But those had been different. Kira and I weren’t together now. I didn’t want us to be together.
I needed to pull away. The thought took root in my mind - but too slowly.
“Oh!” I heard Maria’s shocked gasp, felt Kira close the few millimeters of the distance between us.
“I’m so sorry.” I didn’t know what Maria was apologizing for. I pulled away just in time to see her shaking her head, making her way towards the hallway that led back to the front door.
With my hand against Kira’s hip, I pushed her away. “I don’t want to do this,” I told her bluntly. I didn’t. What I wanted to do was... God, I didn’t even know. I cared for Kira but I had no interest in starting things back up with her.
“Because of her?” Kira asked, looking away, towards where Maria had disappeared down the hallway. I thought about that. There was a knot low in my stomach that did make me wonder if Maria did play a role in this.
But it wasn’t why.
“No,” I shook my head. “Because of me.” As I said it, I realized just how true that was. This wasn’t about someone else, it was about me and what was good for me. And Kira had never been good for me.
I’d love her, always. She was my first love and she mattered a lot to me. But that didn’t mean we had to continue this toxic circle of on-and-off. And from the look in Kira’s eyes, I felt like she understood that, too.
Moving away from Kira, I walked down the hallway to find Maria. I was surprised to find her by the front door, her jacket already on. “Please don’t leave,” I said almost instinctively.
Her face was white, except for a bright red flush on each cheek. She shook her head, her throat shifting as she swallowed. “I shouldn’t have come.” The words sent a cold shock through me. I wanted Maria to be able to come over whenever she liked. It made my house feel so much less empty, just to know that she might come over to bake.
Final Score (Madison Howlers #5) Page 15