But before I could clarify that, before I could say anything at all, it hit me what she’d said then.
I can’t see any other way.
“Are you breaking up with me?” I asked, my eyes wide.
It sounded so much like a break-up. It hurt like one, too. My stomach was in knots and my heart ached. This was precisely what I had feared. I didn’t want to lose Maria as a friend and yet, here we were. On the edge of what sounded precisely like that.
I desperately wanted to jump in and say the right thing. To assure her that... but I didn't know what. That I wanted her more than a friend? Because fuck, of course, I did.
But then wouldn’t this be even worse?
Could it be worse?
Maria’s laugh was hollow. It didn’t suit her. I wanted to bring back the happy, cheerful sound that my Maria made when I told her a joke. But she wasn’t, really, my Maria. She was my friend. There was suddenly a world of difference between those two things.
“I’m not your girlfriend, Lev. I can’t break up with you,” Maria pointed out. Her fingers twisted the bracelet almost to breaking point.
Her shoulders slumped. “I’m saying that we need a break from each other. Temporarily. But I don’t know how long it’s going to take.” Her voice broke on the last word. Her eyes glistened with tears.
I wanted to reach out to brush them away, to take her in my arms and hold her until nothing hurt.
She held herself stiffly, keeping a distance between us. “I need to get to a place where I can see you kissing someone else and have it not hurt. And I’m not going to get there if I keep seeing you every week, coming over here like I have a right to.”
For all that Maria said she couldn’t break up with me, this sounded like a break-up. “You always have a right to come over. I want you here,” I argued. Deep down, I knew it was fruitless. Maria had made up her mind. We would have a break from being friends.
I could not have imagined how much it would ache in my heart to have that even as a possibility. I wanted to beg her not to do this, but I also had to respect that this was what she wanted.
“How can I fix this?” I asked, sounding pathetic even to myself.
She winced like the question caused her physical pain. “There’s nothing for you to do,” she answered. “There’s nothing to fix. We were good friends.” She gave me a brave, sad smile. I could still see the unshed tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. “We’ll be good friends again. I just… I need to take a break.”
Slowly, Maria reached out, resting her hand against my arm. “I’m really sorry, Lev. I don’t want to do this. I hate that I’m disappointing you. But you made it clear, you’re not interested in me romantically. I’m trying… to respect that. But I need you to respect that it means I can’t be around you all the time. Not right now.”
She pulled her hand away. I could feel the touch like an echo against my skin, even when it was gone. “I know you’ll let me do what I need to do.”
And how could I object to that?
I would expect Maria to do that for me. I knew she would do that for me.
And yet, all I wanted to do was protest. Tell her that I never said that I wasn’t interested in her romantically. If anything, this conversation made me realize just how much that wasn’t true. I wanted Maria. I wanted her friendship and I wanted her company. But that desire bundled all of my fears together into an overwhelming worry of losing her.
That seemed to be exactly what was happening anyway. I had no idea what to do about that.
“If that’s what you want,” I managed. “Of course I’ll respect what you want.”
Her smile wavered, but she nodded. “It’s what I want, for now,” she told me. “I’m sure I’ll see you sometimes, at Babushka.” Despite the hurt that welled up in my chest, I was glad we had a place that we shared. Glad that Maria wouldn’t be left without Russian food just because she needed to take a break from my friendship.
“I really do want to be your friend, Lev,” she said, seriously. “That’s what I’m working towards. I just need you to be patient for a while.”
“Of course,” I replied. There was nothing I could do but pretend this was fine. Until ten minutes ago, I hadn’t even known Maria couldn’t be my friend. Even for a while. I felt justified in the dread I had been feeling.
We stood there awkwardly, neither knowing what to say.
It seemed to take her a moment to summon up her courage. Then she gave me another of those smiles that didn’t reach her eyes. “I should go. I don’t think we’re making it any easier, standing around like this.”
She stepped forward, wrapping her arms around me. Before I could think to clasp her body against mine, it was gone again, the contact so brief that I wondered if I had imagined it.
Like a gentleman, I walked her to the door. We said our sad goodbyes. I watched her walk away, wondering when I would get to see her again.
Or, really, what had just happened.
I needed to make sense of this. Make sense of why my heart hurt so much. Maria might say this wasn’t a break-up, but I couldn’t remember ever feeling worse. Even after a break-up.
But I knew what would help.
My mama always had good advice.
“No, no, tell me again,” mama said for what felt like the fifth time. The sigh I gave didn’t serve much purpose. She just tutted. “Don’t sigh at me,” she told me. “I’m just checking I’ve heard you right the first time.” Or the first five times, I thought to myself. I knew better than to be sarcastic with her.
“My tire blew out,” I started and mama tutted again.
“Not the boring car bit,” she insisted. “Tell me again how Maria’s learning to speak Russian for you and to cook Russian food for you.”
I frowned at that. I didn’t think it was fair to say that Maria was doing it for me. If anything, she was doing it for her, which seemed like a much better reason. When I told my mama as much, she hummed.
“Okay, okay,” she agreed. I could hear her nodding through the phone. “It’s not for you, but it’s with you?” I hadn’t thought of it like that. In a way, mama was definitely right. I helped Maria with her Russian, I tested her food. It felt like a journey we’d been taking together.
That knowledge did nothing to help how my heart ached for Maria. It was barely two hours after she’d left my house telling me she needed a break and I already missed her.
But then, I missed Maria whenever she wasn’t there with me.
“I can hear you wallowing,” mama informed me, startling a small laugh from me.
“I just don’t know, mama. I... I’ve never known anyone like her. We click. She’s been such a supportive friend to me,” I commented and mama hummed.
“But you haven’t asked her out?” she said, the words more of a statement than a question. Mama knew I hadn’t asked Maria out because I’d started this conversation by explaining how Maria and I were friends. Not lovers, not dating, just friends.
Her friendship meant so much to me. I didn’t know what to do now that Maria needed a break from that. It felt like I had fucked up, like I had lost her.
“We’re friends,” I finally replied. Or well, we used to be friends. That thought also hurt. Everything about this situation hurt, yet I was willing to take a million times more of this pain if it meant that Maria would come back and be my friend.
“Yes,” mama agreed. “But why haven’t you asked her out?”
The question didn’t make sense to me. She seemed to sense that. “Levushka,” she said, the same way she had when I’d been a kid who didn’t know better. “You could ask Maria out and still be her friend. I’m friends with your father and I didn’t just ask him out, I married him,” she pointed out.
It wasn’t... I hadn’t really thought about my parents.
What I had thought about was Kira. The way we’d never truly been friends. Even now, when I was actively trying to be her friend, it was a struggle. All that our relationship had be
en was a struggle. It seemed impossible that I could have a friendship and a relationship all rolled up in one.
And yet, I knew that mama was right. She and papa were friends. They were always there for each other, supporting each other. Just like how Maria supported me and how I tried to support her.
“Are you having a realization?” mama asked me, startling me out of my thoughts.
“I think I might be,” I answered.
Maybe Maria and I could be more like my parents and less like me and Kira. Maybe... we could be more than just friends. I still worried that I’d lose her as a friend but... if I already had, shouldn’t I try harder?
Maria was worth fighting for. I wanted her to know that.
“So what are you going to do about it?”
That was an excellent question. Just like that, I knew exactly what I needed to do.
“I am going to send you some plane tickets,” I informed mama with a feeling of determination that flooded my whole system.
Chapter Eighteen
I told myself that the first day of not being Lev’s friend would be the hardest. That allowed me to make it to the next day. Except then the second day was just as hard. My plan for making it through one day at a time fell apart.
Just like they’d promised, Emily and Tanya were there for me. Tanya took me to the theater. I tried to laugh in all the right places and not to think about how much Lev would’ve loved to hear about the couple sitting behind us with no clue what was going on. Emily took me to the movies and we talked about how we would escape if an earthquake happened to hit Madison.
Neither of them mentioned the Howlers. I appreciated that, but it couldn’t last. Madison was full of fans. I’d see the bumper stickers on the cars, I’d hear people talking about how they were playing. I’d even see Lev’s name in the sports section of the paper.
What I wasn’t expecting was for Lev to text me. I’d assumed he’d leave me alone. Seeing a message from him, my heart felt like it turned a triple loop.
For an instant, against all my better judgment, I hoped he might have changed his mind. That maybe, after all, he wanted to be with me.
It wasn’t that.
Instead, Lev let me know that he’d put aside tickets for the game that night, and that he hoped I’d be there.
It would probably have been smarter to say no. I should have listened to my head, turned down the tickets and spent the night keeping my mind on other things. But listening to my head had brought me nothing but pain these last few days.
I decided to try listening to my heart.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Tanya asked as we piled out of the car. I wasn’t. I was anything but certain. Would seeing Lev again undo the days of painful work I’d done to take my mind off him? Or could I prove to myself that I could live a normal life without him?
I had no idea. “I’m sure,” I lied. Tanya and Emily had been so good to me. I wanted to pay them back. And Lev had got us amazing seats. We were right up front, close enough to the ice that we could see the determination on the players’ faces as they warmed up.
Emily and Tanya could barely contain their excitement. They tried, out of respect for my still aching heart.
They were so absorbed in each other, I could take my time to look around the arena. I’d spent so much time here, watching Lev. It felt almost like a second home. Like Babushka, it reminded me of good times with Lev.
I wished we weren’t so close. I didn’t know what to do with myself if I came face-to-face with Lev in the middle of the game. But he’d be too focused on playing to take any notice of me. That had to be why he’d felt it was safe to invite me.
“Can I have your attention, please?” boomed the voice of the announcer over the arena’s sound system.
Pushing my thoughts of Lev aside, I fixed my gaze on the ice. It had cleared of players in the moments I’d been distracted. Around us, people started to whisper, wondering what we were supposed to be paying attention to.
“The Howlers have a very important message for someone who is here tonight,” the voice continued. “Welcome to the ice: Ricardo Summerby, Connor Lewis, Devon Oakley, and Lev Popov!”
The crowd went wild. My heart skipped several beats. Without noticing that I was doing it, I grabbed Emily’s hand and squeezed hard. I had no idea what was happening, but I could pick Lev’s tall, muscular frame out even from all the way across the ice.
Maybe there was some charity thing going on. But why would Lev invite me to a front-row seat, given all that had happened between us?
The sound system crackled. The next thing I heard was… music?
Not just any music. I instantly recognized one of the songs that Lev and I had danced to at the samba lesson. My heart squeezed tight against my ribs, making me feel almost dizzy.
With Lev in the lead, the Howlers did a fast tour around the rink, waving and cheering with the crowd. When Lev passed, I couldn’t bring myself to look.
They skated to the center of the ice, each striking a pose with such a flourish that even I had to laugh. Lev was in the middle and in front, backed by the other three players. Lev shimmied his hips, doing a decent approximation of the salsa footwork we had learned.
Emily’s grip on my hand tightened, but we didn’t exchange a single word. I couldn’t. My throat ached as I watched Lev dance in the middle of his beloved ice rink. I still didn’t know what was going on, but I knew it was for me.
The music faded out, replaced by the laughter of the crowd. I finally lifted my gaze to meet Lev’s eyes. His smile was radiant. I shook my head, trying to communicate that I didn’t understand.
From my left, a bouquet appeared, so big I could barely see the attendant carrying it. Lev’s grin somehow grew even brighter as he skated straight for me.
My heart was in my mouth. I felt so stunned that I couldn’t even reach for the bouquet. Tanya had to take it for me. My vision was blurred by tears. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
Lev didn’t seem to mind. He returned to his team, being slapped enthusiastically on the back as they skated back off the ice.
Slowly, things returned to normal. The announcer picked up his ordinary duties. The game began. It took until the second goal - scored by the Howlers, of course - before I could read the note that had come with the flowers.
It shouldn’t have surprised me that it was in Russian.
‘Masha,
You are the best friend I have ever had. I should have realized sooner what that really meant. But better late than never. I want you to have more than just my friendship. I want to spend the rest of my life learning how to dance with you. Please, say you’ll be my partner.
Come over tonight after the match. I have a key that belongs to you.
Lev’
I read it over and over again. Lev’s care in writing it was obvious. He hadn’t used a single Russian word that I wasn’t familiar with. He’d wanted to make himself perfectly clear.
My heart picked up an entirely new rhythm, practically dancing the samba itself against my ribs. Lev wanted more than just my friendship! He wanted a partner, someone he could learn with for the rest of his life…
It was perfect.
Despite how action-packed it was, the rest of the match dragged for me. Even Emily and Tanya were distracted, making me translate the content of the note, exclaiming over Lev making such a public gesture. I wasn't surprised. We both had a flair for the dramatic; he knew that I’d appreciate it.
As soon as we could get out of the arena, I flew to the door of the Uber I’d already called. Emily and Tanya kissed me once for luck, then let me go. Glancing at my watch, I knew there was no way Lev would be able to get out of the arena as quickly as I had. He’d need a shower, to celebrate with his team, to answer questions from the press.
I ached to close the distance between us, but I had to be practical. I gave the driver my address. If I was going to see Lev tonight, then I could give him something worth seeing.<
br />
One hot shower and a short drive later, I arrived at Lev’s. I’d thought about dressing up, perhaps slipping into a slinky black dress to rock Lev’s world. But that wasn’t the Maria he knew. It wasn’t the Maria he’d wanted to be friends with.
Instead, I wore my narwhal sweater and a pair of my nicest, most flattering jeans. My palms were sweating as I knocked at the door. Lev opened it instantly. It was as if he’d been waiting right there.
I threw myself into his arms. Despite his superior bulk, I almost knocked him down. “Did you mean it?” I asked, my Russian sounding extra intense from the ferocity of my question. “Are you sure?”
Lev’s hands wrapped around me instantly. I loved how amazing that felt. “I’m sure,” he answered in English, giving me a wide grin. Before I could ask if he was really, really sure, Lev’s lips were on mine.
The kiss felt spectacular. All of my emotions poured into it, the need and the want and the love. The way Lev kissed me back seemed to contain all of the same feelings. He picked me up like I weighed nothing, my legs wrapping around him straight away.
A strong hand came to hold my ass as Lev walked us through to the living room. He never broke the kiss, managing to maneuver around the furniture like it was nothing. I would’ve praised him for it, but I was far too distracted by pulling at his shirt.
When he dropped me on the couch, Lev grinned, helping me get his shirt off. His abs flexed and I had to swallow. He looked amazing.
“You wore the sweater,” he smiled.
I laughed, reaching for him as his body pinned mine against the cushions. “I don’t plan to wear it for long,” I teased. My fingers smoothed up the hard lines of his chest, brushing through the light scattering of hair that left my mouth suddenly dry with desire.
“Yes,” I breathed. “Yes, I’ll keep learning with you, Lev.” I wanted that, more than I had ever wanted anything. We had learned so many things together. I couldn’t imagine a better future than to always have Lev at my side, willing to keep learning.
Final Score (Madison Howlers #5) Page 17