by Kelly Utt
Pick Up the Pieces
The Past Life - Book 5
Kelly Utt
Pick Up the Pieces is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
2020 Standards of Starlight E-book Edition.
Copyright © 2020 by Kelly Utt-Grubb, writing as Kelly Utt
All rights reserved. No part of this e-book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
www.standardsofstarlight.com
Cover art by Elizabeth Mackey
Contents
I. A Mind Shattered
1. Reeling
2. Might
3. If It’s Meant to Be
4. Journey
II. It Pours
5. When It Rains
Chapter 6
III. Dead Men Can’t Tell
Chapter 7
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Part I
A Mind Shattered
1
Reeling
I think I’ve been sedated. Although, I can’t be sure. I see Ethan’s face in front of mine, which doesn’t make any sense. I’m half a world away from home.
They just told me he was missing. Kidnapped. I shudder as I think of the word.
But I see him so clearly. His wispy hair hangs loose over his ears. His big, round, trusting eyes look up at me, searching for answers. His shoulders are stiff. He’s scared.
“Ethan, son? Is that you?”
I call to my little boy with all the hope in my heart. I desperately want to connect with him. To keep him safe. It’s my job to keep him safe. If I fail, I don’t know how I’ll be able to live with myself. I can’t possibly imagine how I could.
How does any father live with himself if he fails to keep his family safe?
“Ethan! I’m here, son. Come towards the sound of my voice. Right here…”
I’m not sure I’m saying it out loud. Everything is hazy. It’s as if I can see both the hospital room I was in a little while ago and our house in Ithaca at the same time. Ethan is in the living room in Ithaca, sitting on our big sofa. He’s covered with a knit blanket. I hope he’s warm enough.
Even that doesn’t make sense because Ethan should still be in Lake Tahoe with the rest of the family. Last I heard, Ali wasn’t well enough to make the trip back to New York. Roddy and Marjorie were looking after the boys at the Tahoe rental house.
I call out to him again. “Ethan, my precious, precious boy. Do you realize how dear you are to me? You made me a daddy! And let me tell you, that was one of the best gifts I’ve ever been given. You did it, son. You’re my baby. And no matter how big you get, you always will be.”
All of a sudden, Ethan is gone from my view. He has vanished, much like the remaining threads of my sanity. My blood begins to boil as my boy is taken from me once again. If I could only get my hands on the people responsible for all of this. I’d do my worst. Damn them.
Just as fast as Ethan appeared in front of me, my perception shifts and I’m talking to my brother-in-law on an old rotary telephone.
Nicky tells me Ali is wide awake and out of her medically-induced coma. He says she’s sitting up in bed and eating solid food today. She follows Dr. Wong’s instructions and seems to understand what people say to her. But she hasn’t spoken a word.
She doesn’t know that Ethan’s been snatched.
“George, how can I possibly tell her?” Nicky implores, his voice choppy and swimming in distress. He wants to be a good brother. What would a good brother do?
Dr. Ava Claussen hovers nearby as I press the phone hard against the side of my face.
Her. Right.
Her presence helps ground me in the infirmary.
Oh, yeah. Camp Shorabak. Afghanistan. The raid in Syria. The drones. The chemical weapons. My injury. Colonel Becker. Colonel Winton.
It comes rushing back. Most of it, anyway.
“Where’s Roddy?” I ask into the receiver.
“Disappeared, right along with Ethan.”
“What do you mean? Did someone take them both? That’s impossible…”
Maybe we won’t be okay.
“No,” Nicky explains. “He took off to find Ethan immediately after calling the police to report him missing.”
“Oh?” I stammer, feeling a flash of hope. It comes in a burst and settles over me. It feels fleeting from the moment it arrives. “He called my Colonel, too. That’s how I found out.”
“Well, he sent me and Mom one text, then went off-grid. He must have ditched his phone, because authorities haven’t been able to track it.”
“What did the text say?”
“It said that he’d bring Ethan back to us or die trying.”
I’m glad to hear it. Roddy means business. I’m certain he does. “Good,” I say. “I know you’re worried about him, Nicky. But I hope Roddy can accomplish his mission and find our boy. I have to hold onto that hope.”
“I am worried about him,” Nicky whispers. “His health…”
It seems like he’s trying to keep Ali from hearing what he’s saying. If she’s in the room with him, I assume she will hear. Which means he shouldn’t be mentioning Ethan at all right now.
“Is Ali listening?” I ask, agitation in my voice.
“No,” Nicky says. “I’m out in the lobby. I’m keeping my voice down so other people don’t hear our family’s… situation.”
“Okay,” I say. I’m still groggy. Or confused. I can’t articulate what I am. I don’t even know. “I wish I was there with you and Ali. I’d be so happy just to hang out in the hospital again. I want to see friendly faces-- Clara Berry, Dr. Wong, the security guy. What was his name?”
“I wasn’t there for that part, George” Nicky says, his voice timid. He’s wondering what’s wrong with me. I can tell that much. “I don’t think I met the security guy. I got here right before you left. Remember?”
“Oh, yeah. But I can recall his name on my own. Jeremy Lancaster. Then there was my favorite nurse, Jaz Foster. And Dr. Adams…”
“Hey,” Nicky blurts. He sounds nervous now. “Did they give you something? You sound weird.”
“What?” I ask. “I feel weird. But I’m not sure. I have to find Ethan. But I’m not sure what’s happening around me. One minute, I think I know where I am. The next, time and place is all a blur.”
Nicky clears his throat. “Um, is there someone else there I can talk to?”
That’s strange. Nicky is pretty easy going. He usually takes a back seat and lets others lead. At least, he does in the larger family unit. Maybe he’s stepping up since Roddy’s not there. And I’m… well, I’m not sure.
“If you want,” I say. “Dr. Claussen insists she’s here to tend to my mental health. She hovers around me. I don’t think I could get rid of her right now if I tried. Want to talk to her?”
“Yes, that would be great.”
“Okay,” I say as I put the receiver against my chest and turn to look for Dr. Claussen.
“Ava?” I call out. “Oh, I guess I shouldn’t call you by your first name. Dr Claussen, then?”
In an instant, she’s there, just over my left shoulder. Has she been back there this whole time?
“You can call me Ava if you like. How can I help?” she asks.
Ava’s long blonde hair isn’t braided, which makes me think it’s a new
day. She’s wearing the same dark-rimmed glasses, but her hair falls loosely around her shoulders. It reaches all the way down to her bosom. The way it dances as she moves reminds me of Ali’s. Oh, how I love Ali and her sexy long hair. What I wouldn’t give to wrap Ali in my arms right now and make sweet love to her. To see her wavy hair bounce against her exposed nipples as I thrust inside her and make her squirm with delight. I miss my wife.
“It’s my brother-in-law on the phone,” I say. I think my words are slurred. Everything is in slow motion. “He wants to talk to you.”
“Okay,” she says, reaching for the phone.
“Now, don’t get any ideas,” I say to her before handing it over. “He’s happily married.”
I instantly regret it.
What in the hell is wrong with me? I am not myself right now.
On the plus side, I’m not feeling any pain. I remember my shoulder injury. I took a bullet. But I don’t feel it right now. I must be on some good drugs. I’ve never taken drugs before. Not on purpose. Maybe my tolerance is low and I’ve gotten loopier than anyone expected. Or maybe they want me feeling good for the second raid that happens… When? Tonight?
I suddenly remember Colonel Becker’s instructions. I’m supposed to gather additional intelligence during a raid on the terrorist’s second facility. Damn. I can’t seem to keep all of this straight in my mind. How am I supposed to get home to find Ethan if I have to go on a second raid in Syria. And it feels like I’m forgetting something big.
Think.
Ava takes the phone and places it gently against her ear, ignoring my comment about Nicky being happily married. Thank God. “Hello, Nicholas?” She listens. Then, “Nicky, yes. I’m Dr. Ava Claussen, the psychologist caring for Major Hartmann. You may call me Ava.”
She nods and pulls out a pad and pen from a pocket in her sweater, then begins to scribble down notes. She writes furiously, as if Nicky is talking a mile a minute. That’s strange.
“Um hmm,” she says. “Yes, that makes sense. And his wife?”
I instantly feel protective when I hear that they’re talking about Ali. What does Ava care, anyway?
“Ah, I see. And his sons? He has two of them, right?”
I sit up straighter in bed. She’s missing Will. Or maybe she isn’t counting Ethan. “Three,” I say, holding up fingers on my uninjured side. “I have three sons.”
She glances at me, but keeps her attention focused on the telephone and Nicky. What is he telling her? “Does he ever hear voices of people who aren’t there? Or, does he see people others don’t see?”
I’m sick and tired of this line of questioning. And here Ava is, asking Nicky about me like I’m an invalid.
“Three!” I try again. I don’t want anyone skipping over any of my children. They all deserve to be named and counted. “I have three sons: Ethan, Leo, and Will. Three!”
That doesn’t even include the baby growing in Ali’s belly. Before long, I’ll have four sons. Or three sons and a daughter. The possibilities bring a tear to my eye. I can’t wait to get everyone home safe. Four boys, or three boys and a girl. Just like Ali and I always wanted.
Ava doesn’t even look at me this time. I slide back down into the bed, feeling invisible. Without any trying on my part, I drift off to sleep. I can’t seem to keep my eyes open.
The next thing I know, I’m home in Ithaca. I can feel every muscle in my body relax as I soak in my surroundings. It’s good to be home.
I’m standing in the foyer, on the inside of the front door. It seems I’ve just arrived, though from where I don’t know.
“Ali?” I call out. I’m not sure who’s here. “Ethan? Leo? Little Will?”
Lady acknowledges me first. She rushes down the stairs, her tail wagging happily behind her. We’ve been in South Lake Tahoe for weeks and I’ve missed my dog. I hope she’s had a nice time staying with Jen while we were away.
“Ladygirl!” I say cheerfully as she jumps up to greet me. Lady wouldn’t dare jump on Ali or the boys like this, but she knows she can be rougher with me.
She’s moving around well. Seems she’s completely healed from the bullet she took in January when she saved Ethan in our front yard. I raise a hand and touch my own bullet wound as I think about hers. I squat to pet her head.
“We match now, Ladygirl. I took one, too. We can be bullet buddies, right?”
I know I sound ridiculous. I don’t care. I love this furry girl more than I’d like to admit. She isn’t just a dog to me. She’s a real hero. She put her own life on the line to save Ethan’s. How could I ever repay her? I’m so happy to be home with her.
“Where’s the rest of the family?” I ask.
I walk into the living room and look at the sofa where I saw Ethan a little while ago. He isn’t there. I feel a pang of concern, but I don’t let it overtake me. Lady stays close at my side.
This reality seems different. It feels real. I’d like to think I’m really home and that everyone will be here safe and sound, waiting on me. Maybe everything we’ve been through was nothing more than a bad dream. I know that’s wishful thinking, but at minimum, maybe it’s all over. That seems possible. Maybe.
“Ali?” I try again.
I walk around to the kitchen and into the food room, as Ethan so astutely called the pantry when we first moved in. I remember that day, when Jen and Duke came over and Ethan was showing Duke around. Our future seemed so bright then.
The pantry is stocked. We still live here.
I try the formal dining room. Lady follows, my faithful companion. The room is empty, but seeing it brings back memories of Ali opening boxes in here while Leo napped on an ottoman brought in from the living room. That was the day we moved in, too. In the months that followed, we shared so many good memories around the dinner table in this room. I want to do it again. I want more good times with my family.
Where are they?
“Ali? Ethan? Leo? Little Will?” I call out, louder now. I’m beginning to get anxious.
I head towards the master bedroom. Our sanctuary. The door is closed when I reach it, but it isn’t locked.
Maybe they’re in there, cuddled up in our big king-sized bed and waiting for me to join them. Or maybe the boys are asleep upstairs and Ali is waiting on me to make love to her. I could get into that. I feel myself growing hard just thinking about it.
I open the door eagerly. I can’t wait to see my wife and little boys. Lady shares my excited energy. She woofs softly as I move.
“I’m home!” I yell as I burst through the door.
The way I say it reminds me of all the years I was away with the Air Force, back when it was just Ali and me in D.C. Every time I returned home to Ali, I’d open the door just like this and announce my arrival in the same tone. She’d leap from wherever she was and bound into my arms, planting a warm kiss on my lips. Every time.
This time, no one is here. I open the door to an empty room.
My enthusiasm wanes. As I look around the room, memories flood my mind. This room has to be my favorite in the house. It’s the retreat Ali and I used to dream of when we were young and living poor. It still reminds me of our Pennsylvania hotel room on the trip we took from D.C. to meet each other’s families. It’s everything we ever wanted for our most private physical space. We’d planned to grow old here together, making love in front of the fireplace as the seasons change. Year after year. Time after time.
The emptiness physically hurts. It feels unfair that this room would go unused. Such a shame.
I take a few steps inside, breathing it in. My olfactory senses seem real. I can smell Ali’s perfume hanging in the air. I close my eyes and let it seep into me. Lady sits at my side, ready for whatever I do next. I can feel her reassuring warmth as she leans into my leg.
I recall the night I gave Ali the necklace with five diamonds to represent the five of us. We were here, in our bed, in this room. She was pregnant with little Will then. I told her that when she wears the necklace, I want her to
remember how the five of us belong together and how we can get through anything with each other’s love and support. I also remember how she straddled me and rode for a long while as she stimulated her own nipples and I admired the way the necklace looked on her luscious body.
I’ll need to get her a necklace with six stones now. For the baby.
I wish Ali were here. Badly. My entire being aches for her. I don’t know how much longer I can wait.
I walk into the big ensuite bathroom, another place with countless good memories. I used to love watching Ali get dressed and put on her makeup. I often thought she looked like a present, wrapped up and ready for me to open. It was all I could do to keep from unwrapping her when we were around other people. Sometimes, I had to pull her aside and have my way with her while the others waited. I admit, I can be insatiable. Anyone with a wife as smoking hot as mine would be the same.
I remember the night of our big dinner party, the one we threw a couple of days before we left for Lake Tahoe. Ali was getting ready as our guests began to arrive. I’ll never forget seeing her in her party dress, her hair and makeup flawless. She looked like an angel. My own angel. She thought she needed more makeup and that she wasn’t presentable yet. I just wanted her. I wanted to ravage her. As soon as the boys were in Roddy and Marjorie’s capable hands, I did exactly that. I snuck into this bathroom with my wife as she applied more makeup, and I made passionate love to her. We let ourselves submit to the flames of desire as we pleasured each other, my body on fire from her touch.
When we were finished and Ali said she was disheveled, I remember thinking how I’d never seen her look more beautiful than she did at that very moment. I’d had that woman many times, but I always wanted more. I don’t think I could ever get enough. There’s no such thing as enough when it comes to me and Alessandra Davies.