Chapter 9 – Forever Running
Emily found herself awake and lying on the lounge. The light was still on and the three quarters full bottle of rum sat on the coffee table beside her. She felt disgusted at what she had done; indulging in this self pitying binge, trying to wash away reality with the contents of a bottle. The dream was startling and clear. But she knew it now for what it was, just a dream, a lovely dream which she ached to re-enter, but still just a dream.
She must pull herself together. She loved Vic; he needed her and she needed him. She could not let this crazy stuff in her mind take her away from that. But lurking in her subconscious was this incredibly strong pull, the desire to run away from it all and rejoin the crocodile world, just to know the joy of seeing Mark one more time.
She stood up and rinsed her face under the tap in the kitchen, trying to clear her head from the sleep and alcohol daze. She should take herself off to bed now. Maybe, if she lay in the place where she and Vic had shared these last nights, there would be enough of his smell and presence to keep the other demons at bay.
She got up and picked up her overnight bag, carrying it with her to the bedroom. She saw the strappy sandals which Anne had lent her, pale pink with silver buckles, lying on the floor. They were cooler and more comfortable for Darwin weather than her own shoes, giving space for her swollen feet. She picked them up and brought them with her, turning off the light as she left the living room.
In the dark of the flat she could make out the faint outline of the bed in the bedroom, the sheets rumpled from this morning, she had forgotten to make it with their early departure. She crawled onto the bed, hugging Vic’s pillow to her face, drawing comfort from his smell. She pulled a sheet over her shoulders and lay on her side, slowly inhaling and exhaling the odour of the man. She felt herself calm. Despite the awful vindictiveness of all that was out there Vic would help her through. She felt herself sliding down into sleep again, not quite happy but safer for now.
As she slid deeper into oblivion she felt the crocodiles reforming in the pool around her. Now they were clawing at her, pulling at her, nudging her back towards them. She screwed her eyes tightly closed, wishing for peace and to be left alone. Was there no end to this?
As the Emily part of her mind asked the question, the Susan part of her mind replied. Why do you keep trying to push me out? We are two parts of the same person. I will not be sent away by you. Mark wants me back and I am going to him. You can do what you like; go with your new man, Vic, if you want. But I belong to Mark, my children are his children and I will return to him. Stop me if you can, but I am in charge now.
Emily watched in horror as Susan climbed out of bed. There was something glowing softly on the mantel piece, its light reflected softly in the mirror above. Emily watched as Susan walked over to it and took it in her hand. The light coming from it grew brighter as if it responded to her touch. Susan held it up, cupping it in the palm of her hand, brought it to her face. As it came close Emily realised it was Mark’s crocodile totem, the one he had shown her on their helicopter trip in the Gulf, that day so long ago. Emily was puzzled at how it came to be here.
But Susan had no uncertainty. She brought it right to her face and touched it to her lips. As she did the totem connected. Now she was only Susan again; Emily was pushed away to furthest recesses.
Emily watched from an outside place, trapped behind a mind wall. Her Susan-self picked up the sandals and strapped them to her feet. Then Susan picked up the overnight bag of clothes, her travel pack. Lastly she put the crocodile totem into an empty plastic shopping bag, the one lying on the floor from her visit to Casuarina.
With her overnight bag in one hand and the shopping bag with the crocodile in the other, Susan walked out the door, down the steps and out onto the street. Emily was powerless, she must walk where Susan went. She saw that everything was deserted, not a person or a car was in sight.
She realised that her Susan-self was going somewhere, in her Susan mind she knew she was returning to Mark and the crocodile pool, to bring her babies to the safety of her crocodile family. She did not know how Susan would get there but Susan knew the way; down the highway for twenty miles, turn left, follow signs for Kakadu until just after the Mary River when she would head north, following the road to the billabong.
She supposed Susan could walk there even if it was a long way, but perhaps someone would come by and give her a lift. But, for now, at least until a car that was going the right way came by, Susan would walk. Every step would bring her closer.
So Susan walked. An hour later she was still walking and an hour later she walked still. Her feet were hurting now and she wanted to take the sandals off. She put them in the shopping bag with the crocodile totem.
Now Susan could see some traffic lights in the far distance. She felt like she had walked for half the night, but at least that was a destination to aim for. Finally she reached the traffic lights where a big sign read “Stuart Highway”. As Susan turned onto the start of the highway, just past traffic lights, she saw there was an occasional car. She saw a white one coming her way. It looked life Mark’s Toyota. Perhaps he would drive her there, or at least arrange a lift for her with one of his friends.
Susan stuck out her hand to wave the car down. It pulled to a stop. The guy was around Mark’ age, maybe a little older, but then she had not seen him for almost a year. Susan asked him where he was going.
He replied, “I am going fishing on the Mary River, an hour and a half’s drive from here. I always leave early as the fishing is best at dawn; that is when the barra feed the best, though one always has to keep one’s eyes out for a big crocodile of which there were plenty in the place I go.”
Susan said, “That is good. I want to go to a billabong on the Mary River too. I am glad you can take me there, it beats walking.”
The man gave her a curious grin, but then nodded, as if to say, “The world is full of unusual people and what is one more.”
Susan smiled brightly in response. She knew this man had been sent by Mark to help her to return.
From a great distance Emily watched Susan, unable to stop her.
Lost Girl Diary Page 11