by Ryan Rimmel
“That’s the sad thing,” I replied. “I think if Zorlando had been up front about it, he might have been okay.”
“I don’t know,” replied Shart. “Sir Dalton was pretty detailed with his requirements. I don’t think Zorlando measures up.”
“All fathers say that about their daughters’ boyfriends,” I replied. “I certainly had some high ideals about my daughter’s boyfriends. In the end, you just want them to be happy.”
“Did your father-in-law find you worthy of his daughter?” Badgelor asked.
“Look at him and answer your own dumb question,” Shart responded.
I glared at the demon before answering. “No, not at first. It took a year or five.” It was an honest response. That’s what happens when you bat way out of your league. “He came around once I firmly established myself as the man to love and support his daughter and the family I created with her.”
“Well, knocking boots always cheered me up,” grinned Badgelor.
“Granted, but Zorlando’s case is different. He’s let it go on for so long, Sir Dalton is likely to take it as a form of betrayal,” I replied.
“I think that it's good that Zorlando is doing this behind Dalton’s back,” replied Shart. “Besides, it's Dalton’s fault for not seeing it coming.”
“How devilish of you,” I replied. Shart was a case study in might makes right, Chaotic Evil behavior right out of a classic tabletop RPG. I don’t think Ordinal had a separate category for devils and demons, but Shart had very little order in his chaotic soul.
As I attempted to continue on my journey, Badgelor smacked himself in the forehead and groaned, “No, not that fool.”
Looking down the road, I saw Fenris jogging. He had a large package swung over his shoulder and seemed to be searching for something.
Badgelor had grown more and more annoyed with the Warden’s constant conversational efforts. The fact that Fenris didn’t understand what Badgelor was saying had begun weighing more heavily on the badger. It appeared that something had finally broken, draining the furry badger’s limited patience away.
It rapidly became apparent what, or rather who, Fenris was seeking. He was headed straight toward me.
“Mayor Jim,” stated the Warden and Commander of the Dashing Dandies. “Evening, Badgelor! Shouldn’t you be getting ready for tomorrow?”
“I will feast on your entrails,” replied the badger.
“Yes, the feasts will be lovely,” agreed Fenris.
“Evening, Fenris, or near enough,” I replied, looking at him carefully. There was a trace of eagerness in his eyes that I wasn’t used to seeing. “How can I help you?”
“Well, I received your quest,” replied Fenris, “About the dungeon. Then, I remembered that I bought you a gift when I was last in Narwal.”
“Really? You didn’t need to-” I began, but he thrust the package into my hands before I had a chance to say anything further. From the way it was roughly shoved into my arms, I could tell instantly that it was a weapon. I pulled open the wrapping. It was another longsword, my favored blade. This one looked far more ornate than any I possessed. The blade was of a higher quality steel and had fine etching that spoke of power.
● Soldier’s Longsword Mark 2, 3-10 base damage, 240/240 durability, enchantment bonus Piercing damage +1-6 points.
“This is very impressive. Thank you,” I said. The weapon was a clear upgrade from my current sword. It was a thoughtful gift from one man to another, out of the blue and for no reason whatsoever.
“I didn’t get you anything,” I began, but Fenris waved it off.
“No worries! I’m sure something will come to you,” he said, before looking around uncomfortably. Spotting the tracks of the jogging militia, he coughed. “Well, better get back to training!”
“Think he actually saw those tracks?” asked Shart.
“Not a chance,” replied Badgelor.
After Fenris ran off into the distance, I had to laugh. I hadn’t ever considered not including him in the dungeon party. However, the thought that people I respected would resort to bribery to get me to bring them along was something entirely foreign to me.
“He probably spent the money you gave him on it,” stated Shart. I had given Fenris some gold to better equip SueLeeta and himself. Glancing at his armor and weapon, he’d at least done that first.
“You are no fun,” I replied. This was like my wife buying me presents all over again. That brought up a pang, but it was a smaller pang than it used to be. I shook it off and continued toward the inn.
I nearly lost my balance when Badgelor launched himself off my shoulder and ran to his throne. No matter what he said, I was still positive it was a highchair. I plopped down at the mayor’s table, causing OttoSherman and SueLeeta to nod at me.
“So, what are you going to bribe me with?” I asked SueLeeta.
“For a dungeon run?” she chuckled. “You need me, so nothing. If I were you, I wouldn’t expect anything from Bashara, either.”
“So, you have three men chasing after you,” murmured OttoSherman wistfully.
“I do not. I just have three powerfully built men giving me gifts and complimenting me. They just want confirmation that I’ll go somewhere on a specific date and time with them. . .” I began. “Oh, God, I’m dating three men at once.”
“Join the club,” smiled OttoSherman. SueLeeta chuckled.
“Only three?” she retorted. OttoSherman looked affronted, then held up his hand to indicate that, perhaps, it was a few more.
MaGetty had already dropped a plate of food in front of me, which didn’t compare to the feast she had laid out before Badgelor. He was devouring it with a gusto typically reserved for those who hadn’t seen food in a week.
“Wait, why are they feeding him so much?” I asked. Normally, Badgelor was well-fed in this establishment, free of charge. Today, however, they were really piling it on.
“The parade is tomorrow,” stated OttoSherman, leaving out the ‘duh, dumbass.’ “Then, there is Badger’s Night!”
“Do you have all your gifts ready?” SueLeeta called out to Badgelor. He nodded back at her while shoving an entire game hen into his maw.
OttoSherman chuckled. “He’s so cute. You’d think he’s the actual Badgelor.”
I shook my head fondly. “Back to my love life. Dalton hasn’t gotten me anything.”
“Oh, it's just Dalton to you. It's Sir Dalton to me,” stated OttoSherman. That formality came about after that time OttoSherman got a bit too familiar with the huge, incredibly handsome, powerfully built Knight.
“Only his close friends get to call him Dalton,” said SueLeeta, flashing me a cat-like smile.
“Has he given you any gifts?” OttoSherman asked SueLeeta.
“Dalton is an uncouth dolt. Of course not,” she replied. “I don’t expect to get any gifts from him until we get serious.”
Just then the door opened and a looming figure strolled in like he owned the place. Sir Dalton, the massive pile of muscle that he was, walked over to my table. Bowing deeply, he unceremoniously dropped a large box onto the table.
“Jim,” he greeted, “Little friend, I was talking to Jarra the Healer about your condition, in great detail, when the subject of your armor came up. I know how poor you are, and I was concerned about you going into the dungeon without the best possible protection. I talked to HankAlvin and had a proper suit of armor made for you from one of the blueprints I had.”
“Dalton, you shouldn’t have,” I began, trying to work up some kind of anger regarding the ‘condition’ discussion. However, Dalton was just so oblivious that it didn’t matter. Instead, I went about opening the package. As I tore the wrappings away, I caught sight of my first actual suit of heavy armor. The half-plate looked quite similar to the sturdy, well-made armor that Dalton favored. “This must have cost a fortune.”
“Well, only the best for my special friend,” said Sir Dalton with a nod of his head. He was looking at me, so he couldn’
t see the abject murder in SueLeeta’s eyes. That was probably for the best. Dalton continued, mostly under his breath, “From our last sparring match and what I hear from Glorious Robert, you need the best possible protection you can muster.”
That would have caused some serious burn damage.
“So, are you going to be at the meeting tomorrow?” I asked nonchalantly.
“Of course,” growled SueLeeta.
“Why, certainly! I want to hear how we will tackle the dungeon,” answered Sir Dalton. “Oh, SueLeeta, I didn’t see you there.”
“Twisting the knife,” chuckled OttoSherman.
“Hello, Sir Dalton. Did you have any luck finding your culprit?” asked the Hunter, a hidden edge to her voice.
“No, but I shall keep looking. Your idea earlier today for us to walk in the park and then sit quietly by the creek and look at clouds was a good one. If Ashe is dating someone, she certainly would have tried to do that. Plus, it is good practice for wooing Jarra, making your plan doubly effective,” stated Sir Dalton. A serving girl walked past, causing him to follow her toward the beer.
I was going to say something, but SueLeeta was too busy admiring Dalton’s hindquarters to notice me right away. “I just can’t stay mad at that,” she said.
“Seriously, and they say I have a thirsty look,” I said, taking a long swig of my own ale. SueLeeta wrinkled her nose at me and ate a spoonful of stew.
“He’s so dumb,” she smiled. “I have him convinced that if we do date-like activities, then we will run into Ashe’s secret boyfriend. I make sure to mention it in front of Zorlando, so he can help.”
“Ouch,” said OttoSherman, examining one of the ladies that walked by. . .and her boyfriend. Both winked at him when they thought the other couldn’t see.
I began eating my own bowl of stew that had magically appeared before me. Badgelor continued shoving the contents of an entire pantry into his gullet. Every so often, a child would run over to him and drop some portion of their dessert in front of the badger. Badgelor would nod approvingly before devouring it. The dessert, not the child.
“So, are we ready for the parade?” I asked.
“Yes,” grinned SueLeeta. “I assume you’ve gotten your house ready?”
“Well, I put up a tree,” I mentioned.
She frowned. “How do you expect a tree. . .?”
“Badgelor isn’t going to break into Jim’s house,” said OttoSherman knowingly.
“Oh, yeah, you have that little door,” said SueLeeta.
“Yeah,” I said, “I don’t see what the problem is.”
Chapter 16: The Parade
“What is your problem?” I groaned, checking the window for the time. Seeing the position of the sun, I realized that Mar had woken me up at the proverbial asscrack of dawn. “And how did you get in here?”
It had been a fun evening. After the inn, I had gone back and polished off a few more toys, along with finishing some more eccentric projects. I even made a magical Ring of Vitality as well as a Dagger of Sparking, for some of Badgelor’s special requests. We had a huge pile of toys and everything was going great. I had worked super late into the night, but that was to be expected during this magical season.
“Ashe let me in,” Mar said, practically bouncing up and down as he did so. “We have the stand all ready, and the parade is in just a few hours.”
“Do you need me or Badgelor?” I groaned.
“Well, just Badgelor actually,” replied Mar after considering for a moment.
“Go then, you little furball. Don’t embarrass me,” I said toward the badger’s bed. Turning over, I went back to sleep.
Moments later, well, maybe a few hours later, I was greeted by an angry SueLeeta. “Get your ass up! The parade is about to start!”
“How did you get in here?” I groaned, sitting up.
“You left your window open.”
“My room is on the second floor, you cat burglar,” I groaned again, rubbing my face.
“You asked for it,” she muttered. I heard the twang of an arrow.
● You have suffered Knockback from a Power Shot. This trick shot causes no damage but will knock you back 3 logs (8 logs base - 5 logs Mitigate ).
I had gone flying out of bed and into the corner of my room. In a testament to the room’s oversized nature, I still managed to land on the floor and not bounce into a wall or something. I slept naked, and my blankets remained firmly attached to the bed. I had never been less grateful for Ashe’s high Maid skill.
Standing up, I began to yell indignantly. Before I could get truly worked up, my clothes flopped against my body and landed in a pool at my feet.
“Get dressed,” stated OttoSherman, coming to stand in the doorframe of my room. He adopted a relaxed stance, continuing to munch on a muffin he had found.
“How did you get in here?” I asked, exasperated.
“Ashe let me in,” he replied between bites.
I closed my eyes and counted to ten. The day was off to a rough start. Opening my eyes, I quickly put on what passed for my dress pants and shirt. By the time I was clothed, OttoSherman had finished his muffin. SueLeeta was sitting on the windowsill, waiting.
“OttoSherman, you can find the door, right?” I asked with icy politeness. The Lumberjack nodded. I looked over at SueLeeta and narrowed my eyes. She adopted a mischievous expression and slipped out of view.
● Jump Skill: Normal Jump distance 3 Logs (base) + 3 Logs (Ranks in Jump skill), total 6 Logs.
I exploded out the window, just as SueLeeta leapt backward. She grabbed onto an exposed eave on the roof and flipped up and out of sight. Cursing, I reached out to grab at anything as I flew toward the street below. Fortunately, I managed to get a hold of the side of the window frame, shoving myself onto the roof.
There was far too much forward momentum to stop, so I instead committed and jumped. Flying across the street, I landed on the opposite roof. I quickly spotted Voan, sitting on her balcony with Blots.
“Hello, Mister Mayor,” stated Voan. I half-wondered why she hadn’t gone to see the parade. Then, my brain caught up with me. The parade route ran down this street, going right by my house. I, too, had a balcony that would serve as a perfect place to view the festivities. Looking over at my house, I noticed Ashe, Dalton, and Zorlando all sitting on my balcony. The balcony door opened, and OttoSherman walked out. He was holding a tray of muffins, from which Dalton and Zorlando each grabbed one.
Zorlando broke his muffin in two and gave half to Ashe. Dalton waved at me.
“She went that away,” said Blots, pointing across to the fleeing Hunter.
I nodded my head politely and continued my mad dash across the rooftops, trying to spy a spot where I could make the jump back over. It only took a moment before I found one. I raced down one side of the roof, launching myself through the air again.
“What the hell are you doing?” asked Shart as I landed.
“Vengeance upon SueLeeta,” I growled.
“Oh, really?” exclaimed the surprised demon. “Yes! Let’s go kill her.”
“Well, I’m not going to kill her,” I said, grinding to a halt. “I don’t really know what I’m going to do when I catch her.”
Well, that was a waste of time.
“Ha, knew you couldn’t catch me,” SueLeeta gloated from the top of the Town Hall.
Lurching after her again, I got to see her moment of surprise, as I activated my new Journeyman Sprint perk. I had debated exhaustively over what option to take while Bashara was chasing after me and trying to blast me with lighting ‘just one more time.” Finally, I had decided on the Flash Steps perk. It allowed me to damn near teleport up to five logs forward, though it was a bit of a Stamina hog.
● Flash Steps: You can instantly move up to your rank in Sprint +1 logs forward. You retain all momentum from the movement. You must be able to Sprint to the destination.
In English, or Ordinalese I supposed, that meant that Flash Steps functionally turned
me into the Roadrunner. As long as my feet stayed on a surface, I could seemingly teleport places. My running was just that fast! However, Sprinting to the edge of a roof would not be one of the more intelligent things I’d done today. Quite a low bar to miss.
It was only my Mobility perk that kept me from falling off the roof. I managed to get myself pointed in the right direction, and I leapt onto the roof of the Town Hall. I was just in time to see SueLeeta running down a rope that had been strung from the roof of the Town Hall toward a large pole in the town square.
She was moving with confidence, so I figured that I, too, could run down the rope. I was almost right. When I began my run across the rope, it was all I could manage, with my Mobility and more than a bit of Elven Steps, to stay upright. SueLeeta gracefully ran across the rope; I warbled and nearly toppled as I tried to keep up. The rope apparently was freshly made. That meant it just barely qualified for the Elven Steps perk.
Finally, as she got closer to the center of the packed square in the middle of town, I saw her problem. There were people everywhere, getting ready for the parade. For some reason, SueLeeta was trying to get down. Probably hoping to lose me in the crowds. Her only mistake was leaping down from the rope onto a tree.
The branches functioned like a staircase for her, due to Elven Steps, but that slowed her down. At about the halfway mark, she leapt onto a wooden platform near the pole. The dais was mostly bereft of people. It was a tricky jump for her, but I could manage it easily enough. I leapt down from the rope, using Mitigate to eat the Damage. I landed directly in front of her with an impressive thud and an evil grin on my face.
“Excellent, you are here, just like SueLeeta promised,” stated Mar as he walked up beside me. “And good work avoiding the crowd, Sir! Quite a grand entrance, indeed.”
I turned to see the entire crowd looking at me. When I landed, it had been loud, like a gong to announce the start of festivities. I waved at them, and the crowd began to cheer. SueLeeta was quite skilled at traps.
Clever girl.
“Well, Mar, it's time to begin the parade,” I yelled. The cheering crowd went wild.