Princess in Exile

by Bernadette Rowley

  If a wolf could be said to frown, he frowned. His eyebrows twitched and the fire went out of his eyes. He sat in the snow and a shimmering began around his form. The wolf became a misty thing and then Vard sat there, head in hands, his shoulders trembling. She reached out to him before she could think and, taking a few steps forward, laid her hand on his shoulder. He stiffened and looked up at her, eyes wet with tears.

  “You’re the bravest woman in the world,” he said. “I was a heartbeat from leaping onto you and ripping your throat out, and you stood and took a step toward me. How did you know exactly the right thing to do?”

  Alecia gasped. “How did you remember that? You can’t recall things so well usually.”

  “I don’t know, but it was as if I was trapped in the wolf’s mind. I could see with my eyes but had no control over the creature. It hasn’t happened before. Had you said or done anything else, you would have died…” His voice broke and tears slid down cheeks roughened by stubble. “I couldn’t bear to watch helpless as I killed you…” He raised his eyes to hers and despair shone from them. “Take that bow and shoot me. I won’t stop you.”

  “No!”

  “Don’t you see, Alecia? I was very nearly the cause of your death! Do us both a favor. I grow tired of the fight.”

  Indeed, his eyes carried the weight of years of battling his true nature and losing, the burden of death on his conscience, and no prospect of gaining control of his gift. How could he not despair?

  “You’re right to hate me,” he said.

  Alecia looked at him for a long time, trying to puzzle out how she felt. “I don’t hate you. You’re a victim. We both are. But that doesn’t change anything. You allowed your animal drives to violate the trust I had in you. And just now I thought I was dead.”

  “I’ve told you all along you risked your life with me,” Vard said quietly. “I was weak to allow you to stay, weak to let you convince me there was hope for us; to think we could have some time together. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

  Tears coursed down Alecia’s cheeks. After weeks of denial she must accept the fact - she couldn’t have Vard in her life. She wasn’t blameless either. She hadn’t told him of his child. Would that knowledge have made a difference? Would awareness of her fragility have stayed his hand that morning? Should she tell him now? She had all but made the decision to leave him; should she now tell him he was to be a father? No! Not yet. She still had time before Vard walked out of her life. Alecia’s heart ached at the mere thought of him leaving without her, but he’d been right all along. Until Vard mastered control of his transformations, she had to stay away from him, perhaps forever.

  “See me to the Andra’s and you can continue your search for a mentor,” she said, her voice breaking with the strain of holding back her tears. Anger drove more tears into her eyes; anger at herself for being weak over a man. She didn’t even recognize the girl who had roamed Brightcastle rescuing witches and killing mercenaries. It seemed like another life; one she’d have back if she could return to the relative innocence of life before Vard.

  He echoed her thoughts. “You’ll be all right, Alecia. You’re a strong woman and you’ll find a way to reclaim your life, to do the work you were born for. Take some time with the Andras to recover, then send word to Ramón. He’ll come to fetch you.” The words left a bitter twist to Vard’s mouth.

  He picked up the hares and began to skin them. All of a sudden, Alecia’s appetite evaporated. Perhaps Ramón would welcome her back, perhaps even her father, but she couldn’t return if Finus lived. She prayed every night he had succumbed to the sword thrust Vard dealt him. Regardless, Alecia vowed she’d never again place her destiny in her father’s hands. Never again.

  Chapter 14

  After a silent evening meal and a night of little sleep, Vard and Alecia set out again and were within sight of the Andra farm by midmorning. Vard felt glad to have people around again after the strain of dealing with Alecia. He could hardly believe the depths to which their relationship had sunk, and it was all his doing. One of them had to take responsibility for what had happened, and he was the worldly soldier who should have realized the fragility of his sheltered princess.

  He sighed deeply as he watched her ride just ahead of him. After all her traumas, her spine was still straight and her head held high, every inch royalty. She’d need all that grit and determination to survive the ordeal ahead, for she’d have to return to Brightcastle eventually. His heart ached that he wouldn’t be around to help her, but he had helped Alecia into this situation. His continued presence would only make her life more difficult.

  A dog barked as they came up the road toward the farm. Master Andra appeared from the barn and the mistress from the house. They stood for a moment, then approached the front gate from their respective positions, casting glances at each other. Mistress Andra reached the gate first as they dismounted.

  “Welcome back, Princess,” she said and dropped into a deep curtsy. She turned to Vard. “Captain.” Her voice became guarded as though she caught some hint of the trouble between them. “It has been long since you passed, two months or more. Did you find what you sought?”

  Vard nodded to Master Andra as he limped up. “We found what we sought but I fear it will be the cause of trouble. Why are you limping, Master Andra?”

  The farmer rubbed his left thigh and grimaced. “An arrow from a blasted dark elf, Captain. I was hunting just north of here and felt a pain in my leg. Another dart flew straight after the first, then more still as I walloped my horse out of there. I know the arrows of dark elves when I see them, even if the flaming critters didn’t show themselves. Blasted black mongrels.”

  “Thom! The princess!” Mistress Andra said, turning to Alecia. “You look tired, Princess.”

  “Nothing that a good night’s sleep won’t help, Mistress,” Alecia said.

  Vard looked sharply at Alecia and noted for the first time the deep shadows beneath her eyes. How could he have been so caught up in his own misery that the condition of his lady went ignored? Well, soon her care wouldn’t be his responsibility. He felt a pang of regret for a life he would never know. But she’d be better off eventually. Better that than dead. Already she carried emotional scars that would be with her forever.

  Mistress Andra looked from Vard to Alecia and back again. She opened her mouth and he braced himself for more questions but Master Andra forestalled her.

  “Come, mother, we mustn’t keep Princess Alecia and Captain Anton at the gate. I’ll take the horses and you show them to the fire.”

  While Vard removed their weapons and saddlebags, Alecia stood staring at the snow until Mistress Andra took her by the hand and led her over to the house. Once he had hung their possessions on hooks in the front entry, Vard found Alecia ensconced in the rocking chair in front of the fire.

  Mistress Andra drew Vard into the kitchen, a deep frown on her broad forehead. “What is amiss, Captain? The princess is much changed since last I saw her.”

  He grimaced. “There have been. . . difficulties, but she is well, I think.”

  “I don’t think she’s well at all, Captain, but if you don’t wish to discuss the matter, I’ll respect that for now.”

  Vard grimaced again as the woman crossed to the pot that bubbled over the fire. She had discerned the trouble between him and Alecia with only the briefest of examinations and, knowing women, blamed him; a very astute woman indeed. He decided to check on the horses.

  Alecia gazed at the flickering flames of the fire, her thoughts not on anything in particular. It was a luxury to be warm and unafraid again. It seemed months since she had felt that way. It had been months. She rested her hands over her abdomen, feeling again the butterfly wings of her babe’s movement in her womb. Mistress Andra brought her a mug of sweetened tea.

  “Lunch will be ready soon, Princess, but I thought you could use a hot drink.” Her eyes fell to Alecia’s abdomen and her voice lowered even though the room was empty. “You are with
child?”

  She jerked her head up. She’d have to confide in the woman if she was to stay for any length of time. There was no point delaying the moment. “I am.”

  “The captain doesn’t know?”

  Alecia shook her head, eyes low.

  “The babe is his?”

  That made her head snap up again, a wave of indignity crashing over her. “Of course! What do you take me for?”

  Mistress Andra frowned as if a puzzle lay before her. “Then what is this trouble between you?”

  Alecia gaped. “There is no trouble between us.”

  Mistress Andra crouched beside her chair, taking her cold hands in rough warm ones. “You don’t have to hide your pain from me, Princess. I see the distance between you and Captain Anton. If the babe is his, what’s amiss?”

  Alecia longed to tell the woman it was none of her business, but the motherly brown eyes froze her tongue. “I’ve not told him,” she said, wringing her hands in her lap. “It sounds silly now I explain it. At first, I hesitated because I feared he’d leave me behind where he thought I’d be safe. I didn’t want that, Mistress Andra. More recently there have been harsh words between us, trouble I don’t think we will overcome.”

  Her voice had risen, and the motherly farmwife hushed her, rubbing her hands and then pushing the mug of tea at her. “I won’t tell Captain Anton anything you don’t wish me to.”

  Alecia bit her lip to stop it from trembling, to hold her composure together in the face of Mistress Andra’s sympathy.

  It was this picture Vard was greeted with, as he stepped back into the house amid a flurry of snow. He took one long look at them and the gold of his eyes flared in the dim light of the farmhouse. Before Alecia could think of anything to say, he turned and stalked back out, slamming the door.

  “He has a temper that one, if you don’t mind me saying so, Princess. I begin to see the problems you face.”

  “You can’t begin to imagine until you walk in our shoes,” she said, her heart miserable. “I hope one day I may be able to explain all to you, but for now you’ll have to be patient.”

  Mistress Andra smiled and patted Alecia on the head, which only served to make her grind her teeth.

  “I’m sure we all imagine we suffer more than others, Princess, but when all’s said and done, it’s only exchanging one difficulty for another. When you look back in a few months, you’ll laugh at what you cried over today.”

  Alecia sighed heavily but held her tongue and nodded. Three months on the road with Vard had given her independence that didn’t sit well in Mistress Andra’s presence.

  Vard was doing some teeth grinding of his own. Chips of wood flew from the blade of the axe as he split one log after another. Already he had a moderate pile of firewood cut and he would cut all night if he had to. Better that than facing the accusing glances of the farm wife. One look into the farmhouse had been enough to sketch the details. Mistress Andra had looked at him as if he were a beast from the swamplands come to take her children, and Alecia had looked as guilty as hell. What had she told the woman?

  He placed one more log on the stump and added to the pile with another savage blow. Had she revealed every sordid detail? A larger log and another crushing blow. It was none of the woman’s concern. The snow whirled around but Vard didn’t notice as his body moved with the rhythm of a woodsman. He needed something physical to vent his anger and frustration. That was the entirety of his existence the past two months, and before that if he were honest. Small wonder it had all come to a head with Alecia.

  No excuses. He was a beast, and it was best he left her before he did something irrevocable.

  The trouble was, just the scent of her drove him wild with desire. The way her hair lay across her cheek at night, the smile that lit her face in unexpected delight, her laughter at the oddest moments. All this he would never forget, and suspected he couldn’t live long without. But it was no longer his decision. She didn’t want him near her. Shame coursed through him and he came to a halt, resting the axe on the stump, split timber lying all around. His gasping breath shot great gouts of steam into the cold air. He spun around as a hand grasped his shoulder, his eyes coming to rest on the craggy face of Master Andra.

  “Time to come in, Captain.”

  Vard stared at the man until his hand dropped.

  “It’s none of my business…”

  “No, it’s not, Master Andra, and I’d rather harsh words weren’t said between us.” Vard dropped the axe against the chopping stump. “I have a request to make of you.”

  The farmer hunched his shoulders and drew the collar of his coat around his ears but said nothing.

  He’s not going to help me out at all. “I desire to leave the princess with you when I go. How safe would she be here?”

  Master Andra frowned. “If you mean how safe would she be from Prince Zialni and her betrothed, then I think not very safe.”

  “The prince has visited since we were last here?”

  “No, Captain. I’ve had no more news of the prince or Lord Finus. My wound and the winter have kept me cabin bound, and even with the spring on its way I don’t know how I’ll plant the crops, let alone get them to market.”

  “I’m sorry to ask this of you, but I can’t take her with me when I leave. Her safety would be at risk.”

  “My wife and I would do all in our power to protect the princess, even should the prince once again send his mercenaries, as he did when our son lost his life.” He paused and Vard saw raw hurt in the old man’s eyes. Life in old age would be hard for the Andras without their only son. “Is the princess ill?”

  Vard shook his head. “No, just tired.” And heartsick, he added to himself. His mood darkened even further at the thought of leaving her behind. “Nothing that a few days of rest and good food can’t repair. I thank you in anticipation of your help.”

  Master Andra smiled. “It’s a small sacrifice to help her. She’s our princess, and she loved our son. Now, if I don’t warm my old bones soon, I won’t be alive to care for Princess Alecia.” The old man stomped inside, followed by Vard, whose core had started to chill at the prospect of confronting Mistress Andra and Alecia together.

  Alecia jumped, her heart threatening to hammer out of her chest as the knock came at her door. It was such an impatient sound, she knew immediately Vard was on the other side.

  “Come.” She drew the covers up over her chest, suddenly needing the heated brick that lay wrapped in a blanket beneath her toes. What could he have to say to her after the meal they had just shared? There were no words that could mend the rift between them or prepare her for his abandonment.

  Alecia stifled a gasp as Vard slipped through the door and closed it behind him. He looked dreadful, dark circles under his striking green-gold eyes, his face haggard where before he had looked vital and fit. She mustn’t feel sorry for him. It wouldn’t do her any good. She probably looked no better.

  Something weighed upon his soul and she presumed it must be their misfortune. Her heart cried out for the early days of their love when they had been sustained by mutual need. Clearly, Vard felt more than his fair share of hunger for her body but a relationship couldn’t live on lust alone.

  “Princess.”

  Despair tore through her at the formality of his words. Since when had she been “princess”? Her chin rose, and she imagined her lilac gaze cutting at his sorrow. “Yes?”

  “I leave at first light in the morning. This is goodbye.”

  Her resolve wavered but she held firm. “I see.” Tell him!

  He took a step toward the bed and she steeled herself not to reach for him.

  “I hate to leave things between us as they are,” he said, “but I believe this to be the best course of action. Perhaps one day you’ll forgive me, but if not, at least I’ll know you’re safe.”

  She thought of the babe within and couldn’t imagine the months ahead, or the birth, without him. That would likely kill her. Would it change his decisio
n if she told him of the child? “Where will you go?”

  “I have some vague thought to head north and take the road east at the foot of the Usetar Mountains.” His eyes flared golden in the candlelight and her breath caught at his magnificence. “I’ll find my mentor, Alecia, but you must accept that I’ll not be back. I’d never ask you to wait for me, even if I thought you wanted to.”

  As he stared at her, perhaps drinking in one last picture of the girl she knew he adored, she dropped her eyes lest he see the love she still had for him. He had made his decision and it was for the best. If she told him she was with child, it would only make him question whether he should leave. Best to have a clean break. She swallowed several times before she could trust her voice would be strong. “I wish you success in your search, Vard, and may the Goddess protect you until… May the Goddess protect you.”

  Vard strode around the bed and grasped her hand, bringing it to his mouth. His lips trembled against her skin and it was nearly the undoing of her. “Farewell, my love.”

  He was gone as quickly as he had entered her life in that lonely alley months before. Alecia thrust her face into her hands and wept.

  Chapter 15

  Alecia slept late the next morning, having been awake and miserable most of the night. Vard had been a tangible presence on the other side of the door and she battled with herself all night; had to stop herself from going to him on occasions too numerous to recall. But she had held her nerve and now he’d be gone. She levered herself up out of bed and wrapped a heavy shawl around her shoulders. Head pounding, she stepped from the bedroom to find a cheerful blaze in the kitchen hearth and a bowl of oatmeal kept warm by a hot stone near the fire. Bright sunlight streamed through the windows, lifting the misery that had settled on Alecia’s heart. But there was no sign of Vard.