CHAPTER XII
THE ORDER OF THE BATH
Berry blotted the letter with maddening precision. Then he picked itup tenderly and handed it to me.
"How will that do?"
"Read it aloud," said Daphne.
I did so.
"Dear Sir,--In the interests of personal cleanliness, we have--notwithout considerable hesitation--decided to install a fourth bathroomat our historic home, 'White Ladies'. This decision will necessitatethe loss or conversion of one of the dressing-rooms, a fact which fillsus with the gravest misgivings, since there are only eleven in thewhole mansion. At the same time, thee conventions of a prudish agemake it undesirable that a second bath should be installed in one ofthe rooms already existing for that purpose. We think the fourth roomon your right, as you leave the back stairs, going south. This islocally known as the Green Room and takes its name, not, as you mayimagine, from the fact that the late Sir Henry Irving once slept there,but from the hue of the rodents, said there frequently to have beenobserved by the fourth Earl. Please execute the work with yourcustomary diligence. We should like to pay on the hire system, i.e.,so much a month, extending over a period of two years. The greatstrides, recently made in the perilous art of aviation, suggest to usthat the windows should be of ground glass. Yours faithfully, etc.P.S.--If your men drop the bath on the stairs, the second footman willat once apply for a warrant for their arrest."
Jill buried her face in the sofa-cushions and gave way to unrestrainedmerriment. Jonah laughed openly. I set my teeth and tried not tosmile. For an instant the corners of Daphne's mouth twitched. Then:
"Wretched ass," she said.
"The truth is," said her husband, "you don't know literature when yousee it. Now that letter--"
"I suppose I shall have to write to the man," said I.
"There you are," said Berry. "Insults at every turn. I was about tosay that I regarded that letter as one of the brightest jewels in analready crowded diadem."
"Give me the writing-block," I said shortly, producing my fountain-pen.I turned to Daphne. "What sort of a bath d'you want?"
"Porcelain-enamel, they call it, don't they?" she replied vaguely,subjecting a box of chocolates to a searching cross-examination.
Berry rose to his feet and cleared his throat. Then he sang lustily:
"What of the bath?The bath was made of porcelain,Of true ware, of good ware,The ware that won't come off."
A large cushion sailed into his face. As it fell to the ground, Berryseized it and held it at arm's length.
"Ha," he said rapturously. "A floral tribute. They recognize mytalent."
"Not at all," said Jonah. "I only threw that, because the dead catshaven't come."
"Exactly," said I. "We all know you ought to be understudying at theHoxton Empire, but that's no reason why we should be subjected--"
"Did you notice the remarkable compass of my voice?" said Berry,sinking into a chair.
"I did," said I. "I should box it, if I were you, brother. Bottle it,if you prefer."
"Poor fool," said my brother-in-law. "For the trumpet notes, to whichit has just been your privilege to listen, there is a great future. Inshort, my voice is futurist. The moment they hear it, the few who havepaid for their seats will realize what the box-office will say whenthey demand the return of their money."
"And those who have not paid?" said I.
"Oh, they will understand why they were given tickets."
"Suppose you write that letter," said Daphne wearily.
I bent over the writing-block.
"You know," said Berry, "I don't think this bath's at all necessary."
At this there was a great uproar. At length:
"Besides," said my sister, "we all decided that we must have anotherbath ages ago. The only question there's ever been was where to putit."
"Of course," said I. "If we don't, where are we going to dip thesheep?"
"Well, I think it's a shame to pull the old place about like this. Ifwe're so awfully dirty, we'd better find another house that's got fourbathrooms already, and sell White Ladies."
"Sell White Ladies?" cried Jill.
Berry nodded.
"Not only lock and stock, but barrel too. Yes," he added bitterly,"the old water-butt must go."
"Look here," said I. "It occurs to me that this isn't a case for aletter. We ought to go and choose a bath properly."
"That's rather an idea," said Daphne.
"Simply sparkling," said her husband. "Personally, I've got somethingbetter to do than to burst down to South London, and stagger roundfloor after floor, staring at baths."
"You needn't worry," said Daphne coolly. "I wouldn't go with you for ahundred pounds."
Berry turned to us others.
"Yet we love one another," he said, with a leer in his wife'sdirection. "In reality I am the light of her eyes. The acetylene gas,as it were, of her existence. Well, well." He rose and stretchedhimself. "I wash my hands of the whole matter. Note the appropriatesimile. Install what cistern you please. If approached properly, Imay consent to test the work when complete. Mind you spare no expense."
"We don't propose to," said Daphne.
Berry regarded her sorrowfully.
"I suppose," he said, "I suppose you know what word will be found atthe post-mortem graven upon my heart?"
"What?" said Daphne, stifling a yawn.
"Plunge."
It was quite a good day to choose a bath. True, it was winter. Butthen the sun was shining out of a clear, blue sky, there was a rarefreshness in the London air, and beneath me--for I was crossingWestminster Bridge--old Thames marched all a-glitter. I watched hispassage gratefully. It was that of a never-ending band. Playing allthe way, too, but silently. Yet, the music was there. The pity wasthat one could not hear it. The pomp, the swagger, the swing of theGuards, the shifting movement, the bright array--all these wereunmistakable. The very lilt of the air made itself felt. Very cheery.Certainly, the river was en fete.
It had been arranged that the selection of an appropriate bath shouldbe made by Daphne, Jonah, and me. When I came down to breakfast tofind that Jonah had already left for Huntercombe, I was more hurt thansurprised. But, when Daphne appeared during the marmalade, clad in anew riding-habit, I made haste to empty my mouth.
"You can't ride there," I said. "The traffic's too heavy. Besides,the tram-lines--"
"You don't want me, old chap," said my sister, stooping to lay her softcheek against mine, as she passed to her place.
I drank some coffee with an injured air. Then:
"This," I said, "is low down. Not nice. I don't like it in you. Itargues--"
"--the confidence we repose in your judgment," said Daphne.
"Yes, brother," said Berry, looking up from The Sportsman. "Thebath-dressing-gown has fallen upon your rounded shoulders. Ill thoughit becomes you, I trust that--"
"Enough," said I. "Alone I will select a bath. Doubtless you will alldeplore my choice as bitterly as you will fight with one another forthe privilege of using it. However. When I am dead, you will regret--"
"No, we shan't," said my brother-in-law. "We shall just bury you underanother name and try to keep the obituary notices out of the papers."
I sat back in my chair and frowned. "Be good enough to pass therolls," said I.
"You've only had four," said Berry, pushing them across. "Mind you geta good lunch at Lambeth. I'm told they do you very well at 'The ThreeBalls.'
"When I'm choosing a bath," said I, "I always lunch at 'The RisingSpray.'" And now, here I was, afoot upon Westminster Bridge bound forthe warehouse of the firm we proposed to honour with our patronage.
I passed on into the roar of the crowded streets, and a quarter of anhour later I reached the place I sought.
Almost immediately the office-boy took me for a commercial travellerand refused point-blank to announce my arrival. I told him that I hadan appointment.
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p; "Yes," he said pleasantly. "They all 'as."
"Friend," said I, "I see that you are bent on gaining the featheredfowl. In other words, if I'm kept waiting much longer you'll get thebird."
"I don't think," he replied somewhat uneasily.
"That," said I, "is what I complain of."
I seated myself on a table and lighted a cigarette. Then:
"I wonder how he'll like his new place," I said, apostrophizing theskylight.
A pause. Then:
"Of corse, the guv'nor might be in," said the youth. "Yer never knows."
"Speak for yourself," said I. "At the same time, you appear to bedoing what you conceive to be your duty. And for those who do theirduty, there is always a shilling in the left-hand trouser-pocket--"
But the boy was half-way upstairs. I had proved my identity.
Five minutes later one of the partners was conducting me in thedirection of the baths.
Now he had twice begged me to be careful not to hit my head, for he ledme through divers dark, low-pitched corridors. Especially divers. Iremembered his warning about a fifth of a second too late.
When we at length emerged again into the broad light of day, Icontemplated my new bowler in some annoyance. It was bashed inproperly. A large dent--in shape somewhat resembling the Empire ofIndia--leered at me, its edges generously defined with whitewash. Verytrying.
My good host was greatly concerned, and begged to be allowed to takethe damaged headgear away and have it brushed. After a little Iconsented, promising to walk round and look at the baths while he wasgone. The next moment he had disappeared.
I laid my stick and gloves on a glass-topped table and looked about me.Never before had I seen so many baths gathered together. Large andsmall, deep and shallow, normal and abnormal, they stood orderly inlong lines. The more elaborate ones, fitted with screens and showers,douches, etc., stood a little apart upon a baize-covered dais, brightwith their glistening pipes and rows of taps. And in an alcove, allglorious, electric light burning above its gold-lacquered fittings,reposed the bath of baths, a veritable monarch, with his attendantbasin, marble-topped table, gilded towel-rails, etc., etc.
Attracted by the aristocracy upon the dais, I was proceeding to strollhumbly in their direction, when I heard the sound of footsteps. Thenext moment a girl stepped lightly between great sliding iron doors,which led obviously from an adjoining chamber on the same floor.
Very smart she was, in a black cloth coat with ermine collar and cuffs.On her head was a trim black hat from which a fine brooch was blazing.Save that she was fair, and that her feet flashed as she walked, Icould see little more.
For a moment the new-comer hesitated, looking about her. Then she cametowards me.
"Oh," she said. "I want to choose a bath."
For an instant I looked at her. Then I remembered that I was hatless,stickless, gloveless.
I bowed.
"Certainly, madam. What sort of bath do you require?"
She was looking at me now--narrowly rather. Quickly she swung roundand glanced about the great hall. Then she spoke, somewhat uneasily.
"Er--if you would show me some baths with showers and things, please--"
"With pleasure, madam. Will you come this way?"
I preceded her in the direction of the great ones.
"Now this," I said, laying my hand familiarly on the smooth edge of oneof the grandes dames, "this is 'The Duchess.' Very popular, madam.She may not exactly figure in Society, but I can assure you that everymorning half Society figures in her." I glanced at the girl to see anamused smile struggling with grave suspicion in her eyes. I went onhurriedly. "We've been selling a great number lately."
"Have you?" she said slowly.
"Yes, indeed, madam. Only this morning we received an order forfourteen from Madagascar." I turned to another patrician. "Here againis a first-class bath. 'The Nobleman.' A great feature is the glassscreen. The enamel, too, is of the very best quality. Nickelplatedfittings, stream line body, detachable whee--er--that is, the wastealso is constructed on a most ingenious principle: we call it the'Want-Not' pattern."
"Ah," she said quietly. "And what's the price of this--er--paragon?"
I glanced at the ticket, knitting my brows.
"Well, it's listed at 'AWK/-', but to you, madam, the price is--"
I looked at her, smiling.
"Yes?" she said, with her grey eyes on mine. Her eyebrows were raiseda little, and the soft lips had taken on the curve that tells oflaughter hardly controlled.
"Another look like that," said I, "and I'll give it you and pay thecarriage."
She broke into a long ripple of delight. Then she took her seat upon'The Nobleman's' broad edge and regarded me mischievously.
"I think you ought to apologize," she said severely.
"Who took me for a salesman?" said I.
"I never did that. You see, I've been looking at basins overthere"--she pointed in the direction of the iron doors--"and they saidif I came through here, I should find one of the partners. Besides, Iwasn't a bit sure when I first spoke, but, as you had no hat--And thenyou led me on. Still, I beg your pardon."
"Not at all. The partner's a very nice chap. And the mischief isreparable. I mean--"
"Where is the partner?"
"At the present moment I believe he's engaged in trying to efface theIndian Empire. Bit of a Socialist, you know," I added. "May I smoke?"
"What d'you mean?"
"Doesn't she know the word? Smoke, my dear. Draw into and expel fromthe mouth the fumes of burning tobac--"
"Idiot! About the Little Englander."
I explained.
"And now," I said, with a wave of my cigarette, "behold me once more atyour service. The gentle art of bathing, madam, is of considerableantiquity. In classical times the bath played a very prominent part inthe everyday existence of the cleanly nut. Then came a dead period inthe history of personal irrigation. Recently, however, the bath-ratehas once more gone up, immersion is again in vogue, and to-day in thebest circles scarcely a month passes without--
"And these"--she swept the nobility with a glance--"are the upper ten!"
"Precisely. You can tell that from their polish."
"Rather exclusive, aren't they?"
"Collectively, yes, madam. Individually, they will receive you withopen arms. Only last night an order arrived from--"
"I know. Madagascar. You're no good as a sales-man."
I drew myself up.
"From Honolulu, for twenty-two 'God-sends.'" I said icily."Madagascar's request was for 'Duchesses.'"
"That, over there, is a 'Wallsend,'--I mean 'God-send.'"
"And I suppose you've supplied Cochin China for years."
"One of our oldest clients," said I.
"You know," said she, "when I look round, I feel as if I had never seena bath before."
"I know. I felt just like that at first. And yet I have," I addedthoughtfully; "they had one at a hotel I stayed at last Easter. AtBiarritz, that was."
"I wish you'd be serious," she said, laughing. "Then you might be ofsome use."
"I don't think you're at all kind," said I, leaning against the screenof 'The Duchess' with a dejected air.
"Excuse me," she said, "but is that the Slinker Slouch I've heard of?Your attitude, I mean?"
"No," I said shortly. "It's the Leicester Lounge. But, to return toyour unkindness. I want a bath just as much as you do."
She recoiled. "You know what I mean. I'm a customer, like you. We'reboth in the same ba-boat. And I have been doing my best to indicatethe merits of--er--of--"
"The idle rich," she said, smiling. "Yes, but you see you shouldn'thave. When you saw me coming you ought to have--"
"Dodged behind a pillar, picked up my stick and gloves, and kept aboutten bath-lengths away, until the partner reappeared? No doubt. But,then, you shouldn't have looked so priceless, or worn your sense ofhumour on your sleeve. Y
ou shouldn't have had a small, straight noseor a mouth like a red flower. You shouldn't have walked like athoroughbred, or carried your clothes as if they were worth wearing.You shouldn't have had eyes I could see to read by, if the lightfailed."
"Finished?"
"No. But listen. I think I hear the partner coming--the genuinearticle, this time." There was no sound.
"Anyway," I went on, "he'll be back in a moment; and so, as I'm afraidI didn't consider you just now, I'll try and make up for it. Good-bye."
"But what about your bath? Have you seen one you like?"
"Yes," said I. "I have. One. Not a bath, though. But I can easilycome another day."
I turned resolutely away.
"I say," said the girl quietly.
I swung round and looked at her. She still sat upon the edge of 'TheNobleman,' her little gloved hands gripping the rim on either side ofher. Her face was raised a little, but she was looking down. Oneslight leg thrust out from under the blue frock, its dainty instepgleaming under the silk stocking. The ankle above it, very slender;the bucked shoe literally beaming with pride.
"Yes?" I said.
"I haven't seen a bath I like, either," she said simply.
At this moment the partner came bustling back, full of apologies.Stifling a desire to strangle him, I congratulated the good man uponthe condition of my hat, and turned to the girl.
"Then, as we both want to see some baths, perhaps we might look at sometogether?" I said.
"I think so."
"If you please, madam," said the partner. He turned to 'The Duchess.'"Now, this is a first-class bath. One of our very latest models. Onlythis morning we received an order from Ceylon ..."
Fortunately, we were both a little behind him.
No one can say that we did not weigh the merits of the various bathscarefully. We passed from one to another, asking questions, receivinginformation, examining, criticizing, discussing for over an hour. Fourtimes, to our great joy, the excellent partner actually climbed into abath, the more satisfactorily to emphasize its advantages. As he satthere, faithfully reproducing the various movements of the arms,universally, I suppose, employed in the process of ablution, the livingpicture which he presented, put an obviously severe strain upon thegravity of my companion. And when, in response to a daringly ingenuousthirst for intelligence on my part, he proceeded to demonstrate thecomparative ease with which a left-handed bather, suffering fromsciatica, could manipulate the taps from the wrong end of the bath, thegirl hurriedly sought the shelter of a convenient pillar to hide heropen merriment. We had a great time.
Finally, we each gave an order for a 'Pompadour, which seemed, on thewhole, to merit the palm. It was certainly the last word in the bathline.
While she was giving her name and the address of the home, which hernew bath was to adorn, I strolled a little apart, thinking. When shehad finished, the partner turned to me.
"I think I have the address, sir. The same as before?"
"That's right," said I. "I'm going down there on Tuesday. Could yousend a man down that day to see the room and take the measurements?I'd like to be there myself."
"Certainly, sir.
"Very well. He'd better come by the nine-thirty, which'll get him downin two hours. I'll send to meet him. I'm going down by car myself."
"Thank you, sir." He turned to the girl inquiringly. "Perhaps Tuesdaywould suit you, too, madam? I don't think you mentioned any particularday, and as it's the same station for both houses, madam--"
He broke off. She and I were staring at one another. Then:
"How awfully strange," we said in unison.
The partner being there, there was no more to be said.
"Tuesday will do very well," she said, turning to him.
Together he conducted us to the street. Then, might he send for ataxi? There was a rank... The idea of sending for two taxis neverseemed to enter his head. A good fellow, that partner. But, no thankyou, my lady would walk. Would pick up a cab presently.
"May I have the pleasure of seeing you to a taxi?" said I, naturallyenough.
"Thank you very much."
We bade the partner good-bye and turned in the direction of Westminster.
"You're sure it's not taking you out of your way?" said my companionwith an innocent look.
"Out of my way," said I. "D'you think I live at Tooting?"
She broke into a little laugh. I went on:
"And if I did. If I lived at Hither Green and was just going to missthe last tram, don't you think I'd er--miss it?"
"You're very kind," she said quietly.
"Not at all," said I, with a glance downward. "The small bright shoeis on the other exquisite--er--foot. It's very good of you to let mewalk with you, especially in view of my recent scandalous behaviour allamong the baths."
"Which reminds me, you were awful. I thought I should die, when youasked that poor man--"
"A wholesome thirst for knowledge, my dear. Talking of which, d'youknow it's getting on for half-past one?"
"Is it really?"
"It is, indeed. Time tears away sometimes, doesn't he?"
"Sometimes."
"You are sweet," said I. "However. About Time. He's a mocker of men,you know: very contrary. When he can serve, not he. When he cannot,he is willing enough. Beg him to hasten, he'll cock his hat and strollwith an air of leisure that makes us dance. Cry him to tarry, he isalready gone, the wind panting behind him. Bid him return, he is atonce all sympathy--grave sympathy: 'He may not. Otherwise he wouldhave been so pleased... Sorry. Rather like my brother-in-law. You'llmeet him at White Ladies."
"Is that where the bath's going?"
"Certainly. We shall be there in the spring. Will you come to ourbath-warming?"
"Perhaps."
We came to the bridge and the sunshine and the marching river, andbeyond these to Bridge Street and the green square. At the corner shehesitated.
"I think I'd better say good-bye now."
"I'm going to see a fellow," said I. "I wish you'd come with me."
A quick look of surprise. Then:
"Do I know him?"
"I think so. He's one of the Times. Lunch Time he's called; brotherof Half Time. Both sons of the old man."
She smiled.
"Ah," she said. "I've an appointment with him, too. Only mine's athome. I must be going. I'm keeping him waiting now."
She held out her hand. I looked at it.
"You've made a mistake," I said. "I know for a fact he's going to beat the Carlton."
"No good! I know the family. The father taught them all the trick ofbeing able to be in more than one place at the same time."
"All of them?"
"Yes."
"My dear, you're wrong. You've forgotten Mean. He's got a place atGreenwich, you know, and never leaves it. Well, I won't bother her,for she's been awfully sweet. Shall I call her a taxi?"
She nodded. "I don't think we ought to stand here any longer: theatmospheric pressure of the Labour party is already affecting mybreathing. Besides, any moment I might be mistaken for a CabinetMinister. I know a salesman's pretty bad, but I must draw the linesomewhere."
With that I hailed a taxi. As it was coming to the kerb:
"You're a dear C.B.," I said. "But I would have loved to have givenyou lunch."
She smiled gently.
"Would you?"
"You know I would, lass. Well, I shall look forward to you and thespring."
The cab drew up, and I opened the door. She stepped in.
"Where shall I tell him to go?"
For a moment she hesitated. Then she spoke slowly:
"Was it the Carlton you said?"
An hour later I stood once more at a taxi's door. Our luncheon wasover, and I was saying farewell.
"You've been awfully kind," said the girl.
"Good-bye," said I. "I shall look forward to you at White Ladies."
"A
nd to the spring."
I bowed.
"My dear, the terms are synonymous."
The smile deepened.
"If this wasn't the Haymarket," said I...
She was gone, her eyes full of laughter.
I turned to see Berry three paces away.
"Helping the porter?" he said pleasantly. "I wondered where you gotthat two shillings from last week. But oughtn't you to be in uniform?I should have thought Nathans--"
"I've chosen a bath," I said, seeking to divert his thoughts. Afterall he might not have seen. "Fine big place. Stacks of baths, youknow. By the way, the office-boy took me for a commercial traveller, Iadded.
"Naturally. And the girl? Who did she take you for?"
I drew myself up.
"She's a C.B. too," I said loftily. "What more natural than that weshould--"
"C.B.?" said Berry scornfully. "Now, if you had said K.G.--"
I cut him short.
"You needn't tell the others," I said.
A fat grin stole into his face. He sighed.
"The call of duty, brother, however distasteful--"
"Look here," said I. "You know those new cigars at the club?"
"Yes," he said eagerly. "The half-a-crown ones."
"They're not new," I said uneasily.
"Never mind," he said airily, taking my arm. "I feel sure ahalf-a-crown cigar would affect my memory. And a dry Martini wouldprobably finish it."
I groaned.
"This is sheer blackmail," said I.
"Take it or leave it," said Berry, with the air of one who has thewhip-hand.
"All right," I said wearily.
"I should think so, my son. And cheap at the price, too."
On the whole I think it was.
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