No one spoke to me like that and got away with it except Viper. He could be fierce when needed and could hold his own both in a physical and verbal fight. He only ever had my best interests at heart, so I respected him madly. Still, he needed to be put in his place too.
“I made it perfectly clear what I wanted earlier and nothing has changed.”
Turning to her, I choked on my words. “Go. Wait outside.”
Her glassy eyes kicked me in the stomach and I hated myself even more in that moment. One day hopefully she’d understand that I’d only done it to protect her.
Her lip trembled as she whispered, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
She held my gaze for a moment and then turned to Viper. “I’ll wait near the nurses’ station.”
Giving her a smile, he offered, “I won’t be long.”
She probably hated me now. And so she should. I was a dick.
When we were alone, I knew my friend would lay into me.
“Jesus! Can you stop pushing her away? She truly cares, man, and if you’re not careful, you’ll lose her. Personally, I think she’s the best thing to ever happen to you, but for some strange reason you’ve changed your tune.”
He reached over and pulled a metal chair from the corner and sat next to my bed. His face looked drawn. He’d suffered by having my back too and I could see the worry in his eyes.
“I don’t want to hurt her.”
“You’re hurting her more by being an ass.” He crossed one leg over the thigh of the other and glared at me.
I hated his scrutiny. He knew me better than anyone and could probably read into my bullshit and why I pushed Mac away.
Scratching his head, he added, “Look. I get that you feel overwhelmed with the influx of memories. Especially the ones of war. I still have nightmares. It’s not easy by any means, but I think Mac will cope just fine. She’s a nurse, for God’s sake. She’s dealt with screwed up people. She knows what to do.”
My eyebrows lifted at his praise of the woman I had fallen for. It warmed me that he cared so much. With Trudy, he had never taken to her. He’d stumbled through his role of best man at my wedding to appease me. We’d argued in the past about his dislike for her, but in the end his distaste had been close to the mark when she’d screwed Reno.
“What?” he asked.
“You like her.”
“Hell yeah. She’s a great girl and I think you owe her the chance to prove to you she can handle your shit.”
Rubbing my face, I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Looking at her face all banged up sends me into a rage. I just want to dismember that fucker. Even though he did that to her physically, I’m responsible.”
“You didn’t ask for any of it either. So stop beating yourself up and let her help.”
Unable to cope with the conversation, I steered it in a different direction. Remembering Viper hadn’t filled me in on the outcome of our mission to save Mac, I asked him, “What happened after I was taken and knocked out?”
Viper grinned almost manically. “I took him and his two goons out.”
Relief filled me. The immediate threat had gone. I wondered if they had any other members of their group to take over their task of hunting me down and killing me. Giving him a brief nod, I needed any information on why our soldiers hadn’t backed us up after the code had been sent.
“You probably haven’t had time to look into why our team failed to act?”
“I’ll get onto it soon. I’ve been taking care of your girl.”
“Thank you. I mean it. I’m glad she has you.”
“I’ve got your back. Always. Just so glad to have you here.” He paused briefly to change topics. “Sooo…how’s the head?”
“Not feeling so overwhelmed by thoughts after the jab the medic gave me, but I feel so damn angry and I can’t get past it.”
“It’s the PTSD. You’ll calm down once you’ve been taking meds for a bit. Trust me. It gets better.” Even as he said it, I could see he didn’t believe his own words. Still, I had enough to deal with.
I huffed. “I need to get out of here and get back to my apartment. Think you can organize it?”
“On one condition.”
Here we go. “What’s that?”
“You stop being a dick and talk to Mac. At least tell her why you’re pushing her away. You owe her that.”
Feeling like a jerk. I nodded. “Send her in.”
Viper left and my nerves shot into the red zone. I’d explain myself. It didn’t mean I could put her in a position of getting hurt by one of my nightmares or outbursts again. She needed to know I couldn’t pursue anything with her until I sorted my crap out. If she chose to wait for the undisclosed amount of time, it would be up to her. I wasn’t expecting her to though.
Waiting wasn’t something I liked to do. She took forever to push the door open. Seeing her wary, beaten face didn’t help my cause.
Watching her quietly pad to the bed and sit down in the chair Viper had pulled over, I knew I needed to apologize. At the very least, she needed to know I still carried a morsel of decency. She needed to know I still cared. I owed her so much damn respect it tore me in two.
“Mac.” God. Those eyes. They killed me. Every. Damn. Time.
“I heard Viper talking to the nurse. They’re organizing your release.”
That voice. The one that had dragged me from the nothingness of my coma. The one that had screamed and pleaded with me not to hand myself over to terrorists to save her. Jesus. My heart was in turmoil over this woman and the choices I needed to make. “That’s great. I need to get home.”
Seeing her shoulders still tense, I sighed and attempted to explain. “I…uh…I’m sorry about earlier. I’m not pushing you away to be a dick—even though that’s what I ended up coming across as.” Gaging her stock expression, I continued, “Look. My feelings for you haven’t changed. I just think we should throw some distance between us until I get my head back in the game. What happened in the hotel room…me hitting you…I can’t ever do that again. I don’t want to hurt you.”
I didn’t know what else to say or how to say it.
Her features softened somewhat at my attempt to justify my actions.
“I don’t need protecting. Not from you. I know you’d never intentionally hurt me. I understand what you’re going through. It’s going to take time. And medication. You need to take the meds the nurse will give you to take home. It’ll help with the anger. I also think you need to go talk to someone. I can arrange it through University Hospital. I’m here to help, Harley. Please don’t push me away.” Reaching across, she placed her hand over mine.
Harley. That name again. The one she chose for me. A man who had taken on the moniker under false pretenses. During my amnesia I’d basked in the name because she’d given it to me. I never wanted to be Declan. But the fact was, now that I felt every morsel of emotion, good and bad, and had emerged from my cocoon, I couldn’t help but be him. Unable to correct her, I bit my tongue for now.
My skin sizzled at her touch. A deep longing drew forth along with the dread that I’d be unable to stop myself from hurting her. I didn’t pull away though. I let the feel of her skin soothe my insecurities.
Staring at her, I wondered if she had the strength to help me fight my battles. Her job would always come first. The hours she worked were long and tiresome. I couldn’t always guarantee that I’d be what she needed.
“Mac. I want to give you the world. I want to be the man you’ve never had but have always wanted. It’s just…” How did I get through to her? I didn’t know what the hell went through my head.
She widened her eyes expectantly.
“I don’t think I’m enough at the moment.”
That didn’t even come out right. Christ. Pulling my hand out from hers, I turned and faced the window.
“You can tell yourself that and you can even tell me that, but I don’t believe you. How about you let me be the judge of that?”
Her words sounded hard. They caught my attention enough to turn back around and face her. I had to admit…the woman had guts. I’d always known she had immense strength. That’s one of the things I loved about her. Loved? The epiphany slammed into me. Hard. I actually think I loved her. Enough so, that I needed to make sure I lived up to her expectations. I had to set her free to become the man she deserved. It didn’t matter that she felt I was that man now. I knew I wasn’t.
“I appreciate you and everything you’ve done for me. I wouldn’t have made it if not for your kindness. Taking me into your home. Feeding and clothing me. Risking your life for me. Don’t you see? It’s all been you. You’ve done everything for me. All I’ve done for you is bring danger to your door. Literally.”
“It’s okay…”
Cutting her off, I continued. “Let me finish. I stand by my decision to get my shit in order. You need to get on with things and forget about me for a while. I need time to process everything.”
Hurt drew her brows together, but she didn’t argue any further. She simply nodded, mouth tight. Resigned to the fact.
We didn’t have any time for more discussion because Viper appeared through the door with a doctor in tow.
He handed me a script. “You need to keep taking these meds. They’ll help with the overwhelming sensation you’re experiencing and also the flashes. You’ll be on them for a while, so make sure you don’t skip any days.”
Taking it from him, I nodded.
“You can leave anytime you’re ready. You appear to have stabilized. We injected you with something to help for the next few hours, but it’s important you begin the tablets I just gave you when you get home.”
“Thank you,” I offered, waiting on him to leave before rising off the bed.
I wobbled a little, but Viper moved in quickly to steady me.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. All good. I just want to get out of here. Do you think we can head back to Ann Arbor soon?”
“We can go pick up our stuff and drive home if that’s what you want. You can crash at my place for a few days if you need to until your meds kick in.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to be around anyone, but then again, being alone in my apartment mightn’t be the best either. If I needed an outlet to vent, at least Viper could handle me. Unlike Mac. Speaking of which, I knew she waited outside. We’d be traveling back home together. It would be more than awkward. Had I made the right decision in letting her go for now?
What if she found someone else? The idea killed me. Would she wait?
Everything was so screwed up.
Chapter Eighteen
Mac
We’d arrived back home an hour ago. Viper dropped me off before he and Harley left. Not before they’d double-checked my apartment and made sure I would be okay. After everything we’d been through they were simply being thorough. I actually liked it. I knew Viper at least cared. He acted all tough on the outside, but deep down he had a big heart to those he cared about. He’d do anything for Harley, and for that I would always be grateful.
The ride home had been tense. Few spoken words and lots of grunts and sighs. I’d dozed for a short while, overcome by the weight of my ordeal.
It felt great being back in my apartment, although Harley’s absence left a gaping hole.
When I’d walked into the bedroom, Nick’s things had all been removed. He’d obviously returned and taken his clothing and personal items. All the furniture remained. Part of me felt saddened at his departure, knowing how it had ended, but the other part sagged with relief. I no longer had to worry about whether he’d be coming home from work at some ungodly hour or if he would even eat with me. Still, a part of my life had ended and I didn’t take it lightly.
Because I had no cell, I gave the boys my home number so I could be contacted. I’d need to replace it later in the day. Viper had also promised to return my car from the hospital parking lot where it had been sitting since my abduction. I hoped it hadn’t been stolen or scratched in any way. My baby.
Now that Harley wasn’t responsible for my safety any longer, I didn’t need to move out. I could stay in the apartment as long as I wanted. Looking for somewhere else to live didn’t carry the same enthusiasm it had before. Everything I owned was here.
I called the hospital and they agreed to give me a week off. Turning up looking like a victim of domestic violence would not be taken well by my patients. Grateful for the time to rest, I sent Char an email from my computer to give her an update before running a tub of steaming water and sinking into it.
With nothing to do but think, my mind began a loop of images. The manic face, grinning at me and dirty fingers groping in places they shouldn’t. A gun trained at my back and head, the cold metal branding me with the threat of death.
Up until now, it had all seemed like a horrible nightmare. With suffocating silence, the reality of it came tumbling down. I almost died. Harley had almost died. I’d been kidnapped from a busy hospital from under the noses of my colleagues. I’d been a part of some terrorist’s revenge plot.
Foreign emotions surfaced, rapidly threatening to drown me in the shallow bath water. The past twenty-four hours could never be undone. The images would haunt me forever. My hands shook as I gripped my head and sobbed hard. My chest weighed two tons, my heart even more.
The idea of being a hair’s breadth away from death strangled me. The final morsel of strength left me on a rushed wail, my limbs wilting in defeat. My face smarted with the battle my body waged. My eye was all but closed, and felt ten times puffier than it probably was.
The bathroom carried my heaving voice around its four walls, bouncing it back to me like a boomerang. Alone. I felt so alone. I just needed to be held and soothed and told everything would be all right. To let go and have someone else be my strength for a change. I’d held it together pretty well in the dusty warehouse, but now I crumbled into tiny pieces.
My own harsh sobs rang in my ears. The hot water failed to warm me as I shuddered. I felt so damn miserable, locked in a battle with my brain and my emotions.
The solitude amplified everything. Bringing my knees up to my chest, I wrapped my arms around them, resting my forehead on top.
This happened to others. Not me. Not safe, reliable Mac. Somebody who was always there for others but never truly there for herself. My brain switched gears over and over, playing out what had happened and what could have happened. Every scent. Every sound. Every click of a gun and clack of a boot on floorboards. How could people turn so evil? I’d stared Satan directly in the face and been revolted by his manic enjoyment over my torment.
Gagging, I laid my head on the back of the tub, attempting to refrain from vomiting. I breathed. In. Out. In. Out. Until the acid lowered back into my stomach from my throat. My chest ached from crying so much, but I couldn’t move. The cooling water held me captive, only mildly comforting. The small bathroom space offered a refuge as if the four walls might keep me safe.
Not sure how long I stayed like that, purging my soul. I startled when someone pounded on the bathroom door. What the hell? How did someone get in my house? I’d locked the front door. Hadn’t I?
“Mac. It’s me. Are you all right? Answer me, damn it!” A rich, thunderous voice.
Harley? What was he doing here? Viper had agreed to return my car. I couldn’t let him see me like this. A mess. He’d already taken responsibility for putting me in harm’s way. To know I’d succumbed to its clutches would push him further away.
Hearing the fear in his voice, I called out. “Yes. I’m okay. How did you get in?”
“When you didn’t answer the front door, I got worried. I picked the lock.”
Of course he did. “Give me a moment. I’ll be out in a minute.”
He sounded worried. Did that mean he still cared? He’d told me as much but I just didn’t know anymore.
Hearing him trudge down the hallway, I stood and let the water out of the tub, reachi
ng for a towel and drying off.
Attempting to pull myself together, I checked the mirror to find a monster looking back. The bruising had well and truly begun to set in and puffiness mixed with bloodshot eyes had transformed me into something from The Walking Dead. My shoulders drooped, wondering if that’s the real reason Harley had pushed me away. He couldn’t stand to look at me. In a way, that was true because it did remind him of his part in everything. I didn’t blame him though. How could I? Neither of us knew just what he’d been involved with and how it would come back to bite him.
Taking a few deep breaths, not wanting to reveal my meltdown, I stepped out into the hallway, expecting him to be tucked away in the living room out of sight, waiting for me. With my head to the ground, I walked into his solid body, crashing my head against his chest. He barely moved as his arms came up to steady me.
“Shit!” I let loose. “You scared me!”
“Easy, angel.”
Viper appeared in the hallway. “Everything okay?”
Glancing from Harley back to Viper, I replied, “Yes. I’m fine. I was soaking in the tub. That’s why I didn’t hear you knocking.”
Viper looked appeased but Harley was far from it. He stared at me. Unforgiving. Gripping my jaw on either side, he forced my head up. “What’s wrong? You’ve been crying.”
I wanted to reply with, “What do you care?” but I held my tongue, fearful that I might start weeping again. My tears had barely dried. My dry throat hurt, causing me to swallow consecutively.
He leaned down slightly at eye level, his scent wafting over me. I needed his arms around me in comfort but I daren’t ask. Not when he’d so boldly told me how he felt.
All I could manage was, “What are you doing here, Harley?”
“We brought your car back. Viper needed me to drive yours. It’s parked in the driveway.”
“Thank you.” It came out dry and husky from my meltdown.
For a moment he looked confused with what he should do next, but after a deep breath he enfolded me within the safety of his oversized arms.
The Lost and Found Series Page 28