“Thank you,” I offered, briefly turning my attention to Viper, who hadn’t said a word to me. For a second, he radiated pain, but then he turned and walked to the door with Dec on his heels, leaving me with Mac.
“You sure you’re gonna be okay?” she asked.
Alone with her, hearing the concern in her voice, I could feel my will crumble. Tears welled.
“I don’t know.” I sniffled. “I was so scared.”
“I know, sweetie.”
And if anyone knew, Mac did, which gave me some comfort. She’d endured her own nightmare.
“If they release you tomorrow, I’m not letting you go home alone. I’ll worry myself sick.”
Suddenly exhausted, just wanting to let go and sleep, I simply replied with, “Whatever.”
Kissing my forehead and wiping my tears, which I managed to hold back from flooding out, she whispered. “I’m going to tell the boys to head home. I want to stay a while. Make sure you’re okay. I’m just going to authorize it first. I’ll be right back.”
Thankful that she would stay with me, I sighed. “Thanks, Mac. I really appreciate it.
She left the room and I closed my eyes again. The meds had eased the pain to a dull ache but I was incredibly drowsy. I rolled away to face the window with my back to the door and nodded off.
Chapter Seven
Viper
“Son of a bitch!”
“Easy, man. We’ll find the douche. When we do, he’s gonna be in a world of pain.”
I couldn’t focus on the words coming out of Dec’s mouth. Rage had me fired up like a bullet about to discharge. I could feel my face and neck burning from the rush of adrenalin. My fists ached from squeezing them so hard.
As much as Red pushed my buttons and drove me insane, the thought of a stranger causing her harm and aiming a pistol at her head had me all kinds of crazy. Seeing her scared and shaken in that hospital bed had me wanting to find the fucker and deface him.
Focusing on my friend as he drove to Charlotte’s house, I frowned at his calmness. Normally it was me attempting to restrain him, but for some odd reason, the tables had turned. We’d stopped for some beer, knowing when we got back to my place I was planning to drown in it.
Slamming my fist onto the dash, once, twice, I ignored the pain, which spread into my wrist. My legs jiggled, just like they did before walking into danger. My blood surged, primed and targeted at my vital organs. I was raring to go, except this time, all the excess testosterone and fire storming my veins had nowhere to go. No outlet. I sat caged in Dec’s truck like a freaking wild animal.
“Settle,” Dec warned. “I know you, buddy. You’re going to be no good to anyone if you don’t get a hold of that rage. We need to focus on finding clues. We also need to discuss how best to handle this, whether we call in some favors from our team or go solo.”
Turning and lowering my head, I forced my heart to slow by breathing long and hard. Pushing out each breath with my mouth while sucking in deep pulls through my nose. In. Out. In. Out.
“He’s dead. Whoever the animal is, I’ll kill him with my bare hands.”
My self-control teetered. My PTSD warred with my brain. All I could see was the end result. Another waste of space posing as a human taken care of. The world would be a better place.
A memory catapulted me into the nether land of war.
The sounds of the truck’s engine dissolved away until rapid gunfire pealed out. Dust and dirt blew us eastward, seeking out enemies, but it seemed our adversaries had found us first.
Diving for cover behind the wreck of a burned out car, I watched the rest of my team scatter like roaches. Whoever fired first had poor aim because we’d been sitting ducks for the better part of two minutes while scaling down the rocky slope into a small Afghan town. The dwellings had been created from the very mud upon which they sat, branches of trees acting as pillars to assist failing roofs. Swathes of dirty fabric provided door coverings, while most of the windows were simply gaping holes into dark interiors.
The streets, if you could call them that, resembled an off-road trucker’s dream with dips and divots haphazardly strewn as far as the eye could see. Whether they were from exploding bombs, or the lack of money and know-how to produce anything better, I wasn’t sure. In the millisecond it took to think this, more gunfire sounded. This time closer.
Using my skill and instincts, as soon as the shots ceased, I raised my weapon onto the roof of the charred car and fired off round after round in the direction the enemy sat. So did my team.
Two bodies went down as they’d attempted to close the gap. I needed Dec, but we’d been separated by the initial round of fire. We were all on our own. With instructions to infiltrate and kill, I had no other motive but to fulfill the request to the letter while not getting myself taken down in the process. This is what fed my soul. This moment. The quiet, unknowing when not even a breeze stirred. I licked my parched lips, needing fluid but knowing I needed to push the thirst to the back of the queue of things to do. Seek and destroy first. Eat and drink later.
Feeling a bullet suddenly whizz past me, I hit the dirt, spinning around for the source. My veins throbbed with the rush of blood. My finger itched on the trigger as I sighted up, ready. Scoping the area, I looked to where I thought Dec might be. With my hawk-like vision, as I faced the dilapidated shack closest to me, I garnered movement at the back of the building. Swinging my weapon around, sharp and focused, I breathed out when I watched Dec emerge, pointing inside the building. That must have been where the close shot came from. We needed to get in and end it.
Clearing the way for me, four heavily armed soldiers followed Dec, firing random shots around the expanse so my commanding officer and I could proceed.
Sprinting across the space to meet my friend, he pushed me behind him, letting me know he was in charge and leading the mission. I also knew that it went beyond the duty of his rank. He wanted to protect me like a brother.
Turning to me and holding up four fingers in our traditional countdown, he let his fingers fall one by one so that when the last one folded down, we moved. Quickly and precisely, our guys still fired off shots.
Inching along the wall toward a window, we both ducked low and crawled underneath so as not to be seen. Dec motioned to the troops to cease fire but remain vigilant. It was sign language we all knew well.
Not waiting for another countdown but acting on a single nod, I followed Dec into the slum. It was sparse with a table and two chairs which had been overturned and a few personal items scattered around. A dirty chair sat in one corner with an even dirtier rug in front of it.
Something hit me on my upper arm and stung like a bitch. Burning momentarily made me lose focus to process that I’d been shot. Dec didn’t falter as I gritted my teeth and began firing. He was on the move, so I followed through the squalor to the only other room we could see. A movement as we neared had me forget about my bleeding wound. Kill. Maim. Destroy. A mantra swallowed any other thoughts.
We hadn’t spoken a word and still moved like ghosts. More shots fired, halting our entry further. Plastered against the wall, Dec quickly glanced at me and I put my thumb up to let him know I was okay.
I’d suffered worse. Much worse.
Nodding to give me approval, I swung only the barrel of my weapon into the room and fired.
Dec did the same.
Grunts and wails followed by thuds let us know we’d hit our targets, so we risked it all and moved through the opening.
Three more bodies lay on the ground. Two still. One moving and attempting to reload his weapon. Too late, sunshine. Time to play.
Still aiming at his chest, I lowered my weapon to the hand attempting to fumble for his gun. Blood oozed from his thigh and more seeped out of his shoulder. We could just let him bleed out but where would the fun in that be?
This animal didn’t deserve the air he breathed. He killed for fun and now it was my turn to give him a taste of his own medicine. Scum.
&
nbsp; Grinning at him, I pulled the trigger, blowing a hole in his hand. He screamed, thrusting his head back in pain as I neared. Dec searched the dwelling, letting me party. The douche had a mark on him for death anyway.
He dragged his head back down to look at me, hatred and agony evident. I didn’t blink. I had no compassion toward the enemy. His bloodied stump rested up across his chest, his other hand clutching just above it as if that might help ease the pain.
Dec finished his thorough search and returned to my side. “Finish it. We need to move,” he ordered.
Further adrenalin drove me into a pre-kill frenzy. Bending down, I gripped my prey’s arm and pulled it down to the floor, holding it there while I placed my boot heavily down on the macabre remains of a hand that had killed and maimed innocent villagers.
Hearing the wretched moans and his weak attempt at trying to pull his arm away, I laughed, lining up my barrel to his leg where I knew the femoral artery ran. This dude deserved a slow and painful death.
Firing one round, I rose, saluting the dreg of society before following Dec outside.
“You okay, man?” he asked.
Why would he ask me that? He knew me better than to ask if I was okay.
I stared at him.
“Viper! Viper! You with me?”
Spiraling back into the present, I found two hands shaking me, a worried frown cutting into Dec’s brow.
Shaking off my reverie, I nodded, pushing him away.
“Jesus. Where were you?” he asked, leaning back into his own seat. We’d stopped driving and had parked outside Char’s apartment.
Fisting both of my eyes to clear my head, I opened the truck door. “Taking out the trash.”
Slamming the door, I strode purposefully toward the door of Red’s home, intent on looking for clues to help rid society of more insects.
The crime had happened outside, so if evidence remained, we wouldn’t need to enter.
“Hey!” A hand on my arm. Pulling me around.
Dec’s face held grave concern.
“What’s going on? You look like you’re about to go on a killing spree. Something’s changed with you. Normally you’re cool and collected. I’ve noticed lately you’re battling some sort of inner demon. You not coping anymore?”
He didn’t need to clarify. He asked if I was losing my grip on my PTSD. He knew me too well.
Raking a hand over the top of my head, I sighed. “I don’t know, man. Ever since I had to save your ass, I’ve been experiencing things.”
“Things?” He let me go and stood firm directly in front of me, like the commanding officer he was.
Letting words drip from my mouth unfiltered, I rambled, “I think I like killing. I feel like I can’t survive without it, and yet another part of me feels like a monster.” Turning away from him, I stepped forward, stopping and gripping my head. “I have so many visions popping into my head of our time at war. I really am a sick bastard. How can anyone enjoy taking another’s life, regardless of what they’ve done?”
Shame threatened to bring me to my knees. I couldn’t look at Dec. A small sliver of relief held me in its grip at my confession, but it was minor compared to the war raging within.
I could feel when he stopped behind me.
“Talk to me.”
Swallowing hard, I still couldn’t eye him. “You ever miss the thrill of battle? The adrenalin?”
“Of course! We’re soldiers. It’s what we do. We love our jobs or we wouldn’t be doing it.”
My head shot to his, not expecting to hear him sound so enthusiastic after all he’d endured.
“You still love it?” I asked, shocked.
“Yep. That’s not to say I exactly like taking a life, but it’s us or them. We’re the good guys. We don’t go around beheading and aimlessly killing innocents. We serve to protect.”
Sighing out a huge breath, I continued, needing him to understand. “Maybe, but my dreams are all about the killing part. Not about the saving innocent lives. What does that even mean?”
“You taking your meds?”
Scratching my face, I answered, “Yeah. I’m on the strongest dose.”
Watching headlights brighten, waiting for a vehicle to drive past us, I anticipated my friend’s advice. I needed him to tell me I wasn’t going crazy. Special Ops soldiers had to be tough. Our minds had to be like machines. Closed off and untouchable to the aftereffects of war. Special types of people who could disassociate themselves from it all. I’d been that warrior. I’d never batted an eyelid in the most horrific of situations for a good part of my career. But what if the human brain could only take so much? What if our inner computers weren’t hardwired to retain so much horror? What if eventually, it changed us? Fucked us up. Were human beings, even cold, hardened ones, meant to witness such evil and not have it alter them in some way?
Another what if. What if all the killing I’d done had turned me into a psychopath?
“Okay. Answer me this.” His deep voice pulled me from my own head. “Have you ever had the desire to kill an innocent man?”
“No!”
“Woman?”
“No!”
“Child?”
“Of course not! Never.”
“Right then. So you’re not a monster. You only take care of the ones we’re ordered to destroy. You do your job and you’re fucking brilliant at it. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you, and neither would Mac. You care about those close to you. You’d lay down your own life for them. That’s not something a crazy person would do. Don’t you see? You’re not getting off on killing the scum of the earth, you’re getting off on ridding the world of evil. You’re relieved they can’t hurt anyone else. By terminating the bad seeds, you’re potentially saving hundreds more.”
His eyes drilled into me like his words. Could he be right? Could there be some goodness left in me?
Char’s words flooded my brain. She’s told me I looked like I wanted to hit her and to ‘just do it.’ My immediate reaction had been one of repulsion. I had never nor would never hit a woman and I had no inclination to do so. The same with children. Men? Only if they threatened me or those close to me.
Dec gripped both my shoulders and shook me. “Hey! You hear where I’m coming from? You’re a good person. War affects all of us, no matter how tough we are. We’re still human, after all.” Watching me nod, he asked, “You gonna be okay? You ready to search for clues now?”
“Yeah. Thanks, man. Let’s do it.”
Chapter Eight
Char
The next morning, I awoke to a familiar nurse taking my temperature and changing my IV bag. Gaining my bearings, remembering I was in the hospital, I searched for Mac, finding her asleep on a chair in the corner. She’d stayed all night? Bless her! But she didn’t look comfortable, scrunched up on the hard chair.
“How are you feeling this morning, Char?” Debbie had been replaced by Martine, a middle-aged woman with four grown children. Her husband had passed from cancer twelve months ago, so working at the hospital had proved to be her life-line. She smiled cheerily at me.
“Like I’ve been in a boxing ring,” I groaned out.
My voice woke Mac. She squinted, rubbing her eyes before standing and stretching, then walking over to me.
“Hey, girl. You look better than you did last night.”
“Liar.” I huffed, sure that she was just saying it to appease me.
Leaning down, she kissed my cheek. “You may not feel it, but you look more lucid.”
Martine fluffed my pillows and checked my pulse, adding to the conversation. “What’s it like being the patient in this place? Is the service any good?” She winked and grinned, attempting a joke.
Actually, everyone had been super nice. It made me proud to be part of such a great team.
“It’s a pain being laid up even for a few hours, but the level of care is second to none. You guys are amazing.”
“It takes one to know one, girl. You’re just as amaz
ing. I’m sure you’ll be getting home today after a scan. A little birdie told me you’re getting a week off, paid.”
Not wanting to be idle for too long and worried about returning to my apartment, I looked to Mac. “We’ll see. I’ll probably return sooner than that.”
Shaking her head with a firm set to her mouth, Mac disputed my claim. “Ah, no, you won’t be. I’ll tie you down if I have to. You’re taking some time off and will not argue about it.”
She could be a tough nut if she wanted to. I knew by her tone that I’d be silly to argue with her. I wasn’t in the mood to resist anyone.
“Fine, but I don’t want to return to my apartment.”
With Mac and Dec together every night at either one of their homes, I wasn’t sure where I’d go.
Martine finished up. “I’d love to stay and chat, ladies, but I have rounds to do. You get better and stay out of trouble, you hear me?” She tried to give me a stern warning, but I knew it was out of love and concern.
“Thanks, Martine. I’ll try.”
Giving her my best smile, she happily wandered off.
Mac glanced at me, down to the floor, and then back, biting the inside of her mouth. “Sooo, I know you probably don’t like what I’m about to say, but I think you should move in with Viper for now. Until the perp is caught.”
Widening my eyes at her absurd suggestion, I balked. “Are you freaking kidding me? What happened to you butting out of trying to put me within hitting distance of that…that…frustrating man!”
Chuckling, she added, “Before you go off on a rant, think about it. I would have you stay with me, but then you’ll feel like a third wheel.” Blushing, she continued, “Plus, ah, Dec isn’t always quiet…”
“Duh. I have heard his voice. He’s got that deep rumble going on.”
“I’m not talking about during the day.” Waiting, she stared at me a moment before my brows lifted in understanding.
“Oh. Gotcha. Ahem, well then. Yeah, that might be kind of embarrassing. For you, I mean.”
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