by Sarah Davis
She had nodded absently knowing her visions were done with regards to the shadowed man. He held no further shadow while stored in the morgue or buried, whichever it was.
Whenever out or near other people, their eyes signaled pity…kindness…sympathy. She wanted none of it. She wanted all of it. But she would not allow herself to be the victim who survived.
Following the whirlwind of physician visits for the cut on her neck, counselor consultations for her anxiety along with subsequent prescriptions, an officer at the police station called Penny in four days later.
“So, the body we found,” the officer began.
Penny nodded.
The officer, Felton Kim, confirmed the attacker’s identification. Gregory Von Dixon, alias Samuel Little, corresponded to the description of a man suspected in multiple missing persons in Juneau, Fairbanks and Anchorage. His DNA matched several of the female murder victims, but since he wasn’t booked for any crime, he had been unencumbered in his rampage. In addition, authorities were cross-checking a string of suspected serial murders dubbed the “Midwest Murderer” in the lower forty-eight.
Any other person, Pen… Lucy’s thoughts trailed off, the potential ominously haunting their periphery. He might have gotten away with another murder. You know, finding out who the guy is, is almost more terrifying than when he attacked you. At least for me. I still get the chills when I think about it.
An involuntary shudder shook Penny as she agreed. Noah wrapped an arm around her shoulders as the officer continued to speak.
While I am relieved, I wish he chose a different road that night. Just one more demon to haunt my dreams.
There was a pause before Lucy thought, What about Mother? How do you think she is holding up? Or Rose, for that matter?
Penny considered her mother was holding up quite well. Then again, it would be in line for Eelyn to act with outward happiness to help others adjust, all the while shameful and grieving inside.
Rose dated Sam, but their mother…no. They had not been close; although the way their mother dealt with the situation indicated it had been a near miss.
And Gigi…well, let’s just say that Gigi had accepted the news of the killer’s death and had returned home, thanks to Noah and Penny.
Noah and Penny didn’t speak after the meeting at the police office. In fact, they had already discussed everything that happened at length. They mulled over whether the outcome could have been different had she shared her prior premonition with Noah. In her defense, Penny argued that it had turned out for the best. Even if Sam’s face had appeared, she doubted she would have realized the significance of it sooner.
Had I changed one thing in my past, taken up soccer instead of taekwondo, our paths might not have ever crossed. I am happy. No, not happy. Satisfied the evil stopped with me. Life graciously taught me that we don’t always get what we want.
Noah’s support, silent and physical and verbal, meant more to Penny than she could ever verbalize. He sat with her until she fell asleep every night afterwards. Nightmares troubled her: a lattice of the attack, her father’s death, Fjord growing up to become a menace, Noah saying goodbye. Noah all the while stroked her hair, calmly telling her it was over and that he would protect her. She tried to allow his calm to infuse her, but she couldn’t get past the fact that he had not protected her from Sam. She was the only one who could protect herself.
The sleeping aid the doctor had prescribed sat on the shelf in the bathroom next to the mirror, taunting her daily. After a few sleepless nights, she relented to their call. If not more because she observed Noah’s sleep deprived state. Blissful, dreamless sleep enveloped her with each dose.
Penny insisted she return to help with defense classes the following Wednesday. She questioned her abilities, even since she had subdued Sam (because if the bear had not arrived, she couldn’t say for sure she would have survived). Pushing herself on the treadmill and lifting weights would only do so much. She needed to be better able to defend herself. She needed the extra resistance training.
The twelve other people gathered were engaged in friendly chatter, hovering at their favorite spots on the bleachers. The few Penny knew waved and offered friendly smiles. She nodded in return, unwilling to engage in chatter.
A visiting instructor, Kyle, began by explaining to the group that they would be starting by sparring under some extreme conditions. Noah stuck by Penny's side as the auditorium went dark. A strobe light started a slow pulse, making Kyle look like a stop motion film as he spoke. Penny felt her heart rate increase. She had wanted to try out such an exercise; still, her anxiety spiked well above the normal sparring. Perhaps she should have taken the anti-anxiety medication. One pill couldn’t have hurt or made her a zombie.
“An attack never comes when you expect it or when you are ready. That is the key. To always be prepared. Will you be attacked at night while a strobe light flashes in time with metal music? Probably not. But if you are attacked in broad daylight while having coffee with your dog…” Kyle let the sentence hang as the lights came back on. He was good at theatrics.
He gave one last piece of advice before the lights went out again.
“Remember, if possible, always focus on the attacker’s chest. Not the weapon or their face. Their chest will not lie, but they can feign moves with arms and legs. Listen. Listen to the sounds that are not typical. Feel the movement of the air around you.”
Lights out.
Strobe.
“Fight.”
Heavy metal music began blaring–more specifically, the song that had played from Sam’s speakers.
Penny sparred for several moments, and then backed off to the side of the room away from the others as the song shook her core. Her heart rate increased as a vise began to squeeze on her head and her chest.
Pen? Penny? Are you alright? her sister asked.
“No,” Penny croaked. She knelt; her hands covered her ears as she leaned forward. Her head tapped the ground as she began to whimper. While she blocked her sister from her head, someone else shouted.
The lights came back on, and the music cut out. Vaguely she sensed someone approach.
No, no, no, no. Please, calm down. It’s okay.
Penny wanted to stand. To pretend it was fine. She was fine. But it was not. Not now. She needed to reconnect with her center.
Distantly, she heard the group, a hundred miles away. Warm hands clasped her shoulders, and she released a shaking breath.
“Hey, Momma Bear. I need you here with me. Come back to me, okay?”
The tender voice broke through her fears.
I am okay. Okay. Okay. Just sparring, to prepare. To practice. With friends. Her thoughts skeletal. Her emotions raw. Her body reacted to the warm touch.
“Noah, I think I need a break.”
The moments that followed were hazy. She knew that class was dismissed. She knew that many, maybe all, the students offered consoling words. She also knew that someone gave her something. Water. A pill. Don’t chew. And sleep came.
When she next woke, Noah and her mother conversed quietly in the living room of her house. She approached them from her bedroom.
“Baby, how do you feel?” Eelyn asked as Penny walked out of her room and approached the couch.
She felt her shoulders rise as if strings pulled them from the ceiling, not of her own volition.
“Tired. How long did I sleep?”
She noted the look that passed between her mother and her friend.
“A while. Perhaps not long enough?” Noah said.
“Look, it was an anxiety attack. Had them before. More are likely to happen. Sleeping for the rest of my life does not equal recovery. Although, if you don’t mind, perhaps a few more hours? I am sorry, Noah. I didn’t mean to ruin practice.”
“No worries, baby,” Eelyn said.
“You didn’t,” Noah said simultaneously.
“Fjord will be taken care of. You get some rest.” Penny’s relief at their words was almo
st palpable. She returned to her room and sleep pulled her under and away from reality.
That night she dreamt of the scarred bear. Relief at seeing his large form filled her. He stood silent, his brawny frame still. Not a muscle twitched. He was a magnificent beast. A field of brightest purple fireweed surrounded him for as far as Penny could see.
She walked closer, knowing this was not a vision, and stood near him. He turned his large head toward her, his gaze piercing the depth of her soul. She felt lighter the longer she stared at him, like she could raise her arms and fly out across the ocean.
He chuffed, the sound reverberating deep in her gut. She stepped closer still and placed a hand in the thick hair on his neck. A deep peace settled inside her as she breathed in clean air and the musky scent of the bear.
Huge, white snowflakes began to fall, cool against her skin with each landing. A white blanket covered the land, dousing the showy purple and illuminating the land with a silvery radiance.
The bear blinked slowly, his piercing black eyes peering into her soul. Her world ended and began, ended and began once again.
Liam
Research resumed during the end of April, the research she initially signed on for and welcomed wholeheartedly. The small projects Penny had worked on over the winter months and her other duties, including the cub, were not what she had imagined when she signed on for the opportunity to work in northern Alaska.
Saving one bear, Fjord, was a definite positive.
She associated the data from the animals they tagged with the bio chips with data from NOAA. Evaluations of the information would start once the team was all together.
Now, though, the members slowly reconvened in the North, and the work returned to “snagging, tagging, and bagging” as Bill liked to call it.
Penny made sure to socialize Rita and Bill with Fjord, so that they didn’t think she was shirking on her duties while she was absent. They reacted with excitement and without fear. Fjord crawled his ninety plus pounds up on Bill’s lap and fell promptly asleep after suckling on Bill’s hand.
Rita laughed, “Opposites attract is right! One white bear and one black bear!”
In that time, she had been dream-deficient, which was most likely due to sleep aids, for without them she relied on the anti-anxiety medications too much.
Aunt Bianca came up to visit in May and brought a rather large surprise for Penny—Liam. With Penny taking care of the now ninety-five-pound cub, working, giving guitar lessons and having daily workouts with Noah at the gym, she had maintained minimal contact with her old friend, Liam. Up until the move to Alaska three years ago, Liam had hung out with Penny on her birthday every year since fourth grade. She hadn’t realized how much she missed him until she saw him walking toward her at the small airport terminal alongside her aunt.
“Lee!” she exclaimed as she ran up to him. He pulled her into a bear hug, lifting her off the ground. “Wow, man! You look so different!” He had filled out. His strong, squared jaw line now held dark blond stubble. She remembered him always longing to shave, and now he needed to.
“Are you surprised? I told you my present for you this year was going to be big, didn’t I,” he said, smiling devilishly.
Yes, it was a huge present. Startling. Stunning. Surprising.
She smiled at them both, her aunt’s arm draped across Eelyn’s shoulders. The sisters were as different as Penny and Lucy were alike. Where Bianca was dressed in a designer pantsuit, with her hair coiffed and full-on makeup, Eelyn wore jeans and a sweatshirt, hair pulled back into a messy ponytail and no makeup. Of the two, Eelyn looked much younger than her younger sibling.
“Oh, well, you know me. Always so dramatic,” Bianca said.
“I never pegged you for a cold climate girl,” Liam said as they removed bags from the back of the truck at the house.
“I never pegged you for an Alaskan adventurer, either. But here you are,” Penny said.
She smiled, but inside she bristled at his comment. Does he not understand why I am here?
This is Liam you are thinking about, right? thought Lucy. He was always a bit self-centered.
With Bianca and Liam visiting, hotel arrangements were a necessity. They would all spend a lot of time at the house, though, because of the bear. Bianca didn’t want to mess with the cub, and Fjord didn’t want to be near her anyway, so that worked out fine. Liam did want to play with the cub, but Fjord kept his distance. When Noah stopped by to meet Liam, Fjord cried out in greeting and attempted to crawl up Noah’s leg. As Noah held the overly large cub in his arms, Fjord seemed to stare disapprovingly at Liam.
Liam said as much.
“He just doesn’t know you yet,” Penny said. “Give him time to warm up to you.” She reached out to rub the cub’s head. Fjord chuffed. Liam frowned at the exchange.
“Liam, this is Noah. Noah, Liam,” she introduced.
“So, you guys just stay in and play house with the bear around here, or is there something else to do for fun?” Liam asked.
“There are other things to do,” Penny said. “But honestly, Fjord does take a lot of my time. Depending on the weather, we could go out on the boat, go for a flight or take the dog sled out. What interests you?”
He shrugged. Clearly deciding on a sulk.
Bianca rushed in after a brief awkward silence.
“Well, I would like to go out on a dog sled ride. That sounds like a lot of fun!”
Noah nodded and began describing the dogs, how many they could take out at a time and where they could go. As they talked about it, Penny walked the cub to his play area in the living room and began making him some food. Eelyn helped her while Penny took a moment to work out just how the next few days could go.
“Is it me or did this house just get incredibly cramped?” Penny whispered conspiratorially. Eelyn gave her a questioning look. With raised eyebrows, Penny rolled her eyes and shook her head.
“Oh, what fun awaits us this week.” Eelyn laughed.
They spent the rest of the day catching up. Liam told her of various things he was doing. He graduated earlier that month and was taking a break before starting his new job at a computer software company. The meaning of half the words he used when he described what his job entailed were lost on Penny. He spoke a technology language unbeknownst to her. When Army called Noah on his wrist communication device, Liam perked up and asked where he got it.
Noah looked at Penny before replying. Her smile came out more of like a grimace as she began to see the complications that could arise.
“Penny gave it to me for Christmas.”
She had picked out a model that synched with his cell phone and came with an earpiece like his old version that had quit working right before the holidays. It certainly came in handy when out sledding.
Liam looked at Penny. “She did?”
“We go out on the sleds so much that this seemed a better way to communicate without freezing our hands,” Penny offered weakly. She thought of the gift card she had gifted to Liam.
“Awesome! Been thinking about getting one myself. Can I see it?”
As Noah showed him how it worked, he said, “It is just like Penny’s.”
“So, are there other people your age you guys hang out with here?” Liam asked.
Noah just shrugged and leaned back into his seat. “Not really for me.”
Penny explained how she spent her time with the research crew and the people she gave guitar lessons. “And once school starts, I help with self-defense classes and wrestling.”
“I remember,” Liam said.
“How about you? What is the lady in your life like?” Penny attempted to take the conversation back into his court.
“She is not quite who I thought she was,” was all he said as he looked directly at her.
Noah stood up to leave. “Need to grab some things uptown before heading home. Good night, everyone.” He winked at Penny as he walked by her and squeezed her shoulder. “Don’t stay up too late.”
“That boy is fine,” Bianca commented once Noah left.
“And taken. At least, I think so,” Eelyn said, glancing at Penny with a sly smile.
“Oh, sis. I’m not looking,” Bianca asserted, winking at Liam, who looked irritated.
Penny sighed.
“Oh Liam, don’t be jealous. You are gorgeous, too,” Bianca added, blowing him a kiss.
Good ol’ Auntie, trying to smooth things over after she rocked the boat.
Bianca sighed. “Well, we should get ourselves to the hotel. Get some sleep. I am tired!”
Liam asked so only Penny could hear, “It’s okay that I came, isn’t it? You seem irritated.”
Penny smiled with what she hoped was a genuine smile.
“I’m just worried there will be a pissing contest on who is my better friend. Also, this bear takes up a lot of time, but he is mobile. So, I hope you can make concessions with that. I am happy to see you. It has been a long time. Too long.” She reached over to squeeze his hand.
He squeezed back. “Don’t go out of your way to make me comfortable or keep me entertained. Just having time with you will be enough.”
Bianca called to Liam to leave. After they left, Eelyn sat down beside Penny on the couch and held up her hands to ward off questions from her daughter.
“No idea he was coming along. I got the impression from Bianca that there was something going on, but I never expected this. She could hardly talk about anything else besides him. He is almost twenty years younger than her.”
The comment caught Penny off guard. She looked at her mother. “What?”
“Well, I thought perhaps you figured it out that they…well. I could be wrong.” Eelyn gave her daughter a hug and set off for bed leaving Penny to wonder.
That would certainly make things easier, you know. Lucy thought.
Would it really?
As they sat in the living room the next morning following one of Fjord’s feedings, Penny, Noah, and Liam discussed plans for the day. No one brought up Penny’s recent attack, for which she was thankful. Having company and the chance to take her mind off her anxieties was a welcome prospect.