A Clever Dream
* * *
The scene aboard the Clever Dream was surreal. As soon as he saw what was going on, he was happy he had a dependable crew aboard the Merciless taking care of things for the time being. Iruuk welcomed him with a giant, warm embrace. "I'm so happy you could make it, Commodore!" he burst, happier than Jake had ever seen him.
The rest of the crew, except Theodore, were standing at attention along one side of the main corridor that led to the bridge and the Captain's quarters. They all seemed overly pleased to be there except for one. A tall woman that he knew as Jessen, who was standing stoically as tears ran down her cheeks. As he took a moment to look at the crew a little closer, he saw that Faloo and Woone, the female burrower Nafalli, were supressing grins, barely able to keep some elation from showing. "At ease," he said, and Jessen rushed past him to the crew quarters. Knud, one of the largest humans Jake had seen in a while, followed her.
It only took a few more seconds before Jake realized that he was feeling a giddiness, some kind of gladness, it was as though it was trying to crowd out whatever he was feeling. "I can feel it, what do I do?" he asked Quan in a whisper.
"Don't fight it, but don’t forget why you're here, either," Quan said.
Theodore stepped out from Alice's quarters into the hall. "Commodore, come, hurry please."
The crew were starting to relax and fill the hallway between him and the Captain's quarters at the far end. "Commodore, it's good to meet you," Callum said as he stepped into his path. "Can you pass this recording to Ayan for me? I'd like to keep it off the fleet network, it's of a personal nature."
"Uh, sure," Jake said, accepting the tiny data chip as he passed, knowing that refusal would probably cause more drama than he wanted.
"Oh, and please don't look at it. It's kinda private," Callum added in a whisper.
"Commodore, it's wonderful to finally meet you. I have some suggestions that would really improve fleet morale," Faloo offered in a high, sweet Nafalli squeak.
"Sorry, I'll take a moment to talk later," Jake said as he pressed by only to be faced by Krooke whose goggles were off despite his small, irritated looking eyes.
"We're so honoured to have you here," he said.
"Can you tell us any stories about the Warlord? Ever since I heard about that ship, I wish I had served on it," Woone told him with the disposition of a devotee.
"Later, please," Jake said. He wouldn't be able to push past the Nafalli, especially burrowers, who had a low centre of gravity and muscle so dense that they easily outweighed him. "I have to see Alice first."
A shrill, loud whistle sounded behind him. It was Iruuk, who followed it with; "Please, Alice is waiting."
The crew quietly moved out of the way, allowing Jake to pass. "Are they experiencing something else? I can feel what Alice is sending out, but it's not doing that to me," Jake said, adding; "Right?"
"You'd have a reaction eventually. I expect this is the result of a day or more of exposure," Quan replied as they moved on to Alice's room. "Just relax."
"I have come to the same conclusion, I saw results seven hours, thirty-five minutes and nine seconds after Alice was brought aboard. It began with Jessen emerging from her quarters to share a confession of regret with the rest of the crew," Theodore explained, showing them to Alice's bedside. "Then we found Faloo and Woone dancing below while singing songs from their childhood. Noro joined them shortly after. They continued until they were nearly exhausted. Ute is resting, she entered a highly fertile state twenty-eight hours ago and accomplished parthenogenesis. I expect she will have between nine and fifteen young in as few as five months from now."
"You're kidding," Jake said, astonished.
"This episode Alice has been going through has had effects on the entire crew, except for me, of course, since I'm an android. It has been difficult at times for me to keep up, but I serve with pleasure."
"Hey, you missed Knud when he wanted to go for a spacewalk in his underpants," Lewis added from the audio emitters hidden in the panels above. "That guy really likes stargazing. Don't worry, though, all the hatches and access points to dangers aboard have been locked down."
"If it were easy to duplicate you two and put a version of you on every ship, thanks for keeping this from becoming a disaster," Jake told them as he made his way.
"Actually, I have a proposal you'd be interested in, but that can wait," Theodore offered.
Jake finally got to Alice's bedside and was surprised to see her looking relaxed and restful with a little smile playing on her sleeping face. "How is she?"
"Other than what she's doing to the crew - which could have been much worse - and her refusal to wake, she's in perfect health." Theodore replied. He looked to Quan. "I'm sorry, I believe she's simply refusing to emerge from a dream state. My theory is that she's controlling it, at least partially. I could have used medication to rouse her but thought it might be better until someone with more expertise attended her first."
"Astute," Quan said. "You're a credit to your kind. Your diagnosis was right. She's retreated from reality into a world she can control. Now that I'm this close, I can send you there, Commodore, but you'll be oblivious to what's happening outside of your mindscape."
"Will it help?"
"You'll be able to communicate with her by joining her dream." Quan said. "You'll have to lay down, since you'll be in a dream state as well, but you can retreat when you like unless she becomes aggressive and decides to take full control."
"Can she do that?" Theodore asked.
"Considering her mind was awakened during a conflict with a Geist, yes. I doubt she'll wish any harm on the Commodore unless she's directly provoked, though."
"All right, so do you have any advice for how I should communicate with her?" He was mystified as to what the experience he was about to agree to would be like. If she was dreaming, he could be stepping into anything.
"Be yourself, take in the experience before you decide on a course of action, and don't be afraid to go along with her if you have to, at least until you know what to do next," Quan said. "That sounded more helpful in my head. I'm sorry, the experience is difficult to prepare for, but it shouldn't be traumatic for you."
"That's reassuring," Jake said, making his way over Alice so he could lay down behind her. "One second, I have to try something first." He gently turned her head and patted her cheek. "Time to wake up, Alice." A few moments later he let her head roll back to where it was resting on the pillow. "It was worth a shot."
"True," Quan said. "I'll provide a bridge for your mind to hers, she shouldn't be able to feel me at all, and I won't be able to see what you're experiencing."
The strangeness of the situation didn't escape Jake, who was still unsure of himself, none of the answers he got out of Quan really explained what he could expect, but he put his head down anyway, relaxing with some space between him and his daughter, and said; "I'm ready."
Quan closed his eyes. "She's less guarded then before. This might be easier than I thought."
It was like going to sleep, but suddenly. The experience wasn't jarring, there just wasn't anything to see at first. Then Jake heard giggling. The unfettered laughter of a toddler was all around him and then he saw her, floating through the air, slowly tumbling in zero gravity towards him.
It wasn't the grown Alice he knew, but a version of her at the age of three, an adorable, red-haired girl in a little vacsuit who was belly laughing as she floated through the air. "I gotcha!" Jake said as he caught her. He wasn't in control of himself yet, this was the father Alice created for her dream, and Jake could see Alice's world from behind his eyes.
Toddler Alice laughed and pointed her arms away. "Again, daddy!"
They were in an observation dome on Freeground Station. It was the one he used to visit before the First Light, the one he recalled from Jonas' memories. Back then, Alice was an artificial intelligence on his arm. In the dream she was a little girl, and Ayan, not the first, but the most recent was
on the other side of the small observation dome, ready to catch her. "Okay, here we go!" Jake said as he gently pushed Alice away, sending her through the zero-gravity space towards Ayan. He put a little spin on her so she went tumbling slowly, and Alice filled the space with laughter.
"I told you this was a good idea," Ayan said with a grin, watching their daughter as she made her way through the zero-gravity space.
"I was afraid she'd lose her breakfast, that's all," dream Jake explained.
"No upchuckies!" Alice exclaimed, half way between her father and mother, resuming her giggles after.
"Okay, get ready for landing," Ayan told her, getting into position to catch Alice. "You know, playing pass the Alice doesn't seem like good parenting, but I think we'll end up doing this again."
"Oh, I don't think she'll let us forget this," laughed Jake. The scene stunned him as he let the dream Jake behave as Alice wanted. Ayan caught Alice in a hug and was rewarded with a sloppy smooch on the cheek. Alice whispered something to her mother, and then went stiff, her arms and fingers pointed above her head.
"Okay, she wants to go a little faster."
"I wanna fly!" Alice exclaimed enthusiastically.
"I'm ready," Jake said, spreading his stance out, if you could call a position in zero gravity a stance.
Ayan pushed her, and Alice squealed in excitement as she crossed the ten-metre distance between her parents poised like an old fashioned superhero through the air. "I'm flying!"
Jake caught her, and she grappled him around the neck, laughing in his ear. "I never imagined you like this," he said, taking control of the Jake that Alice dreamt. He was in control. "But I'm so happy I have."
Alice looked at him, her little toddler face shocked, and for a moment he wasn't sure if she would be displeased or happy, then she squeezed him tightly. Gravity took hold, and his feet settled on solid ground. He was holding her up. "It's really you, you came for real," she said.
The unadulterated happiness she felt at seeing him melted away, replaced with guilt. He could feel it as clearly as if she explained it. "I'm so sorry I screwed everything up."
"You didn't," Jake said.
"Lies don't work here," she said, and he could feel the world darken.
"You made one mistake, and when you tried to fix it, you were put in a situation you couldn't handle yet," Jake clarified. "It's okay. Everyone screws up."
"You think it was too early for me to command on my own," Alice said, her vacsuit changing to a little captain's uniform. "You're right."
"Maybe," Jake said, he felt that she wanted down, and the world around them changed as he did so. They were on a wooden walkway surrounded by an ocean that was painted in the hues of a golden dawn. "I believe you'll be a better captain then I am soon."
Alice looked up at him, astonished. Seeing that expression on a toddler version of her was enough to make him grin, he never considered what she would have looked like at that age. He sat down on the edge of the walkway and she squirmed into his lap. "You really do believe that. How?"
He tried to start thinking about how he would word his response, but it spilled out instead, as though pondering his message was the same as delivering it. "You prove yourself over and over. Not just your abilities, but your amazing capability to survive any way you can. I know you're changing. What you like, who you like, your whole personality is reshaping itself because you were just remade. I know what that's like, I don't tell anyone this, but I've felt a little lost since I went through my own rebirth. That is, unless I'm standing beside you, Ayan, Oz or Minh-Chu. To me, command is easy, finding out what I want in this new life is hard."
"What do we do?" Alice asked with a shrug.
"We take the world around us in and do our best. I think." The answer surprised Jake, it was as if there was no filter or delay between his thoughts and words in her dreamscape. "That sounds right."
Alice giggled, but she was still afraid. "I want to help, but I kill people with my decisions, I don't let myself regret when I think I've killed the right people. The Admiral, thousands of people on his ship. They were all like me, all having their own experiences and then I ended their stories. That's what bad people do. Then I went away and did it more. I know I was following orders, but so many people were ended. They never had a chance to decide to fight or run away. I didn't give them one. Invisible bombs don't give anyone a chance, you just stop living."
It was clear she was talking about the strikes Admiral Lamonthe ordered, the ones that destroyed several military targets and killed tens of thousands of Order personnel, but Jake's thoughts drifted to the present. "Those cloaked strikes were meant to scare people in the Order into deserting, they were meant to save more lives than the bombs took. We don't know if it worked yet, but you may have done more good than harm."
"You don't believe that. I told you; lies don't work here," Alice said, crossing her arms.
He tried not to think about the terrible things that were happening on planet Nuaji, but trying not to think about it was like bringing it up.
"What's happening? What are you hiding?" Alice asked, her little face looking up at him, alarmed.
She drew it out of him like she was pulling a string up through his throat and out of his mouth. "Peter released self-replicating nanobots across his world, destroying almost all life. The planet will be completely desolate in a few hours."
"Oh my God," Alice said, starting to cry. Her whole body was wracked by sobs.
"It isn't your fault," Jake said, pulling her into an embrace. "You didn't make him what he was, you couldn't have forced him to do what he did."
"They'll blame me, and this time I deserve it more than ever. Innocent people are dying," she wept. Fear darkened the horizon, waves and wind became more forceful, more turbulent around them.
"They'll blame me," Jake said. "And I'll accept it because you've done more good than harm. Because I love you."
"You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't take responsibility for me, grown-ups take responsibility for themselves…"
"Let me be a father to you," Jake found himself saying. The thing he would say if they were in a waking world came out next. "Commanders take responsibility for everyone under their command. Let me do that for you. I know you'll make me proud, I know you'll learn from this."
"How much are my growing pains going to cost people?" Alice retorted. "Is it even worth it?"
"Yes," Jake said, tilting her chin up. Her lips quivered, tears were streaming down her face. "I will fight for you whenever you let me because I love you no matter what you do. You're also smarter and much cuter than I am."
The last part of that made her chuckle a little.
"Pardon me, I think I lost my filter on my way down this rabbit hole," Jake added. "Every time I think of what you've been through and who you are, I'm amazed, Alice. Let's wake up so we can take a breath, then do some good. Once we clear these clouds, I'll give you time to think about what you want to do next. If you want to stay in the military, then you'll stay. If you want to do something else, I'll do everything I can to give you the opportunity."
"I want to bring people together," Alice said, her tears slowing. "I know you've tried so many times. For a crew, for another government, even for Haven."
"Ayan's better at it," Jake admitted.
"Yeah, she really is. You inspire people to act on their own, though. Theodore and Lewis have seen it in the Order of Eden database. People are going into hiding, gathering guns and old environment suits for armour then fighting the Order as best as they can. Half the people we see in their system have seen a broadcast from you or about you. It's like you wake people up. I want to do that, but I also want to take everyone somewhere safe. Somewhere like Haven Shore and show them how life can be. I thought I could start by getting on stage, by connecting all the resistance people to the Fleet."
"You were overwhelmed," Jacob said in a comforting tone that matched his urge to make his daughter feel better.
"You wou
ld have given some speech, or done something to show them they could believe in you."
"No, I have no idea what I would have done because I don't have your gift."
"I don’t think it's a gift. I should feel like a part of everything, but sensing what people are feeling excludes me instead."
"Only for now," Jake said. "You've come through so many challenges, this is just one more. You'll learn to control your empathy, or you'll learn to live with it. Look at the control you already have over yourself. You made this place for us." He looked out over the horizon, where an ocean was painted by a yellow-orange sun. There was even a breeze, and the feeling of sun on his face.
"It's pretty awesome," Alice chuckled. "It's still just a daydream, though."
"I don't daydream like this," Jake said. "I don't create whole landscapes other people can visit me in. You astonish me, Alice."
"I still feel like I'm trying to catch up to you."
"Oh, don't worry about that," Jake said, surprised to hear the sentiment. "I think you're making your own path. Before long you'll realize there's no comparison. Mistakes teach us…"
She didn’t let him finish the thought, but interrupted by saying; "…and I make really big ones, so I should learn a lot." Her toddler giggling was short, and it hid sadness.
"Not what I was about to say," Jake said, bouncing her a little. "I was going to tell you that you're going to come out of this stronger, wiser, and I know you won't be guilt free, but whatever you do next will be better. Not because you're my daughter, I don't know how I could take credit for you because you're so much more than I've ever been, but because of all you've seen, all you've done. I don't just love you because you chose to keep a genetic bond with me, or because I've known you in different forms in the past, but because of who you are. You're going through all these changes, but there's still something I can't put my finger on that makes you unique. I also think it makes you good. Follow that and I know you'll try to do the right thing no matter what. When in doubt, give me or your mother a call. I know she seems busy, she is, but she loves you as much as I do." He punctuated his point by giving little Alice a comforting squeeze.
Spinward Fringe Broadcast 13 Page 18