by Kathryn Shay
“That sounds perfect.” Sally comment was tinged with sadness.
“You’re going back to school, right?” Annie asked her.
“Yes, I’m looking forward to it. But I’ll miss all this.” She gestured to indicate the park.
Barb frowned. “Won’t you miss the kids?”
“You get used to that.”
“What about you, Annie? You’re going back to work in a few weeks.”
She glanced at Bridget. She’d fallen asleep in the stroller. “October 10th, so I have more time with her.”
“Are you going to be happy going back?” Brent asked the question.
“It’s complicated. I love my job, but it’s overwhelming to think of what I’ll miss. She does something new practically every day. I swear she tried to sit up yesterday. But I have a career that I love and that’s informed my entire adult life.”
“The plight of many working women.” Judy sighed. “You’re so lucky, Brent.”
“I know.”
Annie closed her eyes. The pain coming again, slowly, but she could feel it starting at her temples.
* * *
Colin walked to the bedroom door. “Hey, sweetheart. Are you going to be all right if I go to work?”
She pushed herself up to a seating position. “Yeah, lying down helped.”
He came inside. Her brow was still furrowed and her lips tight. “Isn’t the headache gone?”
“Not quite.”
“I could get a sub. Or we could call Mom.”
“No, you go to work. Bridget’ll go to bed at seven and sleep a good six hours before feeding. I’ll relax.”
He sat on the side of the bed and took her hand, trying not to react to what these headaches meant. “I’ll go, but call me if your pain gets worse.” He kissed her temple. “I’m getting worried about these.”
“I’ll call if I need to. As for the headaches, if they don’t stop soon, I’ll make an appointment with my doctor.”
He went to work worried. What if something was wrong with her? He couldn’t even remember a time when she wasn’t in his life. What on earth would he do without her?
Training in the techniques of working in confined spaces kept him busy but once he and his crew went to bed, he couldn’t sleep, thinking about her headaches, the counseling session, the fact that Annie went to playgroup this morning. He’d shut up about that, at least. Down deep, he trusted her.
Truck 1 was called at one a.m. with a fireworks party gone bad, then a car accident where an SUV T-boned a van. It was miraculous that no one was hurt, but the extrication of the victim took hours.
He hurried home at six when the day squad came on, hoping Annie had gotten some rest.
* * *
Lying on the exam table, Annie scanned the room at the pictures of landscapes and ocean views. They were soothing. Her eyes began to close. She’d slept so badly, she’d called Karen Lark’s office early and asked for an appointment. Yes, she’d told the receptionist, it was urgent. She needed to do something about these attacks.
Soon Karen came in, holding a chart. “Hey, Annie. I wasn’t supposed to see you for a bit, to give you the go-ahead for work. Something’s wrong?”
“I’ve started having headaches. Sometimes, they’re mild, but mostly they’re bad.”
“Do you get nauseous?”
“No. I’m just in a lot of pain. Why?”
“Migraines are usually associated with headaches where you vomit.”
“None of that.”
Karen sat on the stool. “So, we decided last time you’d cut down to two feedings a day. Have you done that?”
“Not yet. I took two more months of maternity leave. Next week, I’ll go to two feedings, so we’ll both have a month to adjust. I’m hoping to nurse her before and after work, still.”
“Hmm, you’ve gone down from what, six to three?”
“Yes. Why?”
“I’m thinking the headaches could be hormonal.”
“I wondered if they were.”
“But maybe not. We’ll draw some blood. Have you gotten your period?”
“Yep. And I was surprised. I’ve had two. I thought they didn’t come if a mom was breastfeeding.”
“Every woman is different. We’ll make sure you’re not pregnant again with the blood tests.”
“Okay. But Colin and I use protection, even though you’re not supposed to get pregnant while nursing.”
“I’m not saying you are.”
Annie watched her.
“Tell me about the headaches. When you get them.”
Annie explained what she could remember about their onsets.
“Is everything good at home?”
“What do you mean?”
“Between you and Colin. Between you and Bridget?”
“Between me and Bridget it’s great. Not between me and Colin. For the first time ever.” She felt her eyes water. “We’re getting counseling with the fire department psychologist.”
“With Suzanne Blakely? I know her.”
“Yes, with her.”
“Is she helping?”
“I think so.”
“What else are you thinking about, Annie? There’s a pattern to what you’ve told me.”
“Maybe…maybe these are from the stress of me and Colin fighting.” Her voice was wobbly.
“They could be. What else. Dig deeper.”
Suddenly, that thing she couldn’t verbalize worked its way to the surface. That budding feeling inside her, burst to consciousness. “I think… I think…I know what’s wrong.”
And she burst into tears, huge sobs that wracked her body.
* * *
Suzanne Blakely faced Annie then Colin where they sat on the couch together. “So, I didn’t ask you to write anything because I think you need to talk to each other.”
Colin slid to the edge of his seat. “I’ll start. Annie went to her gynecologist to find out why she’s having all these headaches. They’re killing her and I’m frantic about them.”
Annie put in, “We got my blood tests results before we came here. I’m not pregnant and my hormone levels are normal for breastfeeding three times a day.”
Colin huffed out, “That all makes me think dark thoughts.”
Annie reached over and clasped his hand. She knew he was worried. But she hadn’t said anything to him since her doctor visit because she was afraid to. She’d decided to wait to confess in counseling what she and Karen had discovered. “I have an idea about their source.”
Suzanne’s brows rose. “What is it, Annie?”
She raised her chin. “That these headaches are being caused by stress.”
“So, they are my fault for being so awful about money and selfishness in doing the things I want to do.”
“Colin, stop.” Suzanne again. “I think we should listen to the rest of what she has to say.”
Her heartrate sped up. She took a deep breath. “Remember how I said I felt like an idiot because I wanted the two more months off and then I complained like a school girl that you weren’t with us enough.”
“Yeah. I thought—”
“Colin, do not say another word!” Suzanne seemed exasperated. “Let her finish.”
Annie glanced at Suzanne. “I’m…afraid to tell him. I’m afraid there’s no mutual solution to this.”
“Spit it out, girl.” Now Suzanne seemed a bit amused.
“Being such a baby about you not being home enough, caring for Bridget enough wasn’t like me and I knew that. The problem was, I wasn’t letting myself realize the root cause.”
“I don’t understand, sweetheart.”
Annie summoned her courage and faced him squarely. “What I haven’t been able to articulate is that I don’t want to leave Bridget in six weeks. I want to take a whole year’s maternity leave. And, unconsciously, I projected your behavior would continue six more months. I feared that in those months, you’d…”
“What would he do, Annie?”
She turned
to him. “That you’d have little time for us. You’d want more and more time for your career. That I’d be solely responsible for parenting her. That you’d get upset about me not making any money.”
Colin’s face blanked.
But Annie lifted her chin. “However, this is what I want, Colin. I’m taking the full year, which the fire department allows. The money we have saved is half mine. I’m going to use it for the next six months when I’m not getting a salary so I don’t miss Bridget’s first words, when she crawls, when she pulls herself up on a coffee table. I am taking the leave. But now that I’ve realized what I want, even if you don’t pull through for me, I’m determined to handle the responsibility and the tedium better. And won’t complain.”
Her husband was silent. And open-mouthed.
Suzanne prodded, “Colin, what do you think of what she said?”
His eyes brimmed. “All this time I was afraid you had a tumor. Or wanted to leave me for the famous author. Or gotten tired of our relationship. Now you say all you want is money—yes, it’s half your money—and six more measly months home?” He stood and knelt before her. Took her hands. “You can have anything you want, love. And I will be home more, be there for you and Bridget. I promise.”
Suzanne sighed. “Like I said when you first came here, you two are something else together.”
Annie smiled.
Colin smiled.
They were something else together. They always had been. And hopefully, always would be.
Epilogue
JJ said, “Your house is so pretty, Annie. I wish I could decorate like this.”
Annie turned away from the oven. “Go online and look for suggestions.”
“Perish the thought.”
Annie shrugged. “Well, I did when I decided to spruce up the place for fall.” She’d made wreaths for the doors in orange and deep wine and yellow. She’d carried the theme inside with gourds and sprigs of wild flowers.
Squeezing her hand, JJ grinned. “I’m glad you felt like doing this. You haven’t been in a festive mood for a while. I wouldn’t be either if I was having killer headaches.”
Annie sighed. “I haven’t had one in three days. I’ll tell you why I think that is when everyone gets here.”
The rest of the Sisters of Fire arrived in pairs, first Tess and Trish, then Lynne and Brooke. Tess brought a live autumn plant of the same colors as Annie had used in the house, Lynne brought a big chocolate cake and Brooke carried in two bottles of wine.
They moved to the living room with drinks. Annie had cleared some baby stuff out so it was spacious enough for six.
“Where’s the little one?” Tess asked.
“Colin’s off shift. He took her to his mother’s house for the evening. She doesn’t need to eat for a while, and he can put her down there when she’s tired.”
“We got the house to ourselves!” This from JJ.
“Hmm, with lots to share.” The oven pinged and Annie got up to get the appetizers. She put them on a big plate and set them on the coffee table. The scents of baking dough, cheese, and spicy meatballs filled the house.
Brooke asked, “Wow, when did you make all these?”
“This weekend except for the last one. But I’m planning to take a cooking class on unique hors d’oeuvres.”
Tess bit into a blue cheese bite, a puff of dough covered with melted butter and blue cheese. “Hmm. These are delicious.”
“Those can’t be prepared ahead of time. I put them in just before you came.”
“And these little pies? They’re spanakopita, right?” Brooke asked.
“Yep. Feta cheese and spinach. Homemade except I bought the filo dough.”
Brooke watched her friend. “Does the cooking class run until mid-October, when you go back to work?”
“About that.” Annie could hear her voice had gone serious. Everybody got quiet.
“Something’s happened.” Tess’s brown eyes widened. “I can see it on your face. Did the doctor say something was wrong with you?”
“In a sense. I’m healthy physically. She thinks the headaches are stress related. And she helped me come to realize what I’ve been trying to figure out for a while now. I’ve made a big decision.”
“You’re not leaving Colin, are you?” This from JJ, who has a stricken expression on her face.
“What? No.”
Lynne said, “JJ, let the girl talk.”
“I’m taking six more months of maternity leave.”
Five jaws dropped.
Finally, Lynne asked, “Isn’t that counterintuitive? You’re having trouble being with Bridget all day with no help and you’re staying home longer?”
“That’s not precisely true. You know I’ve been complaining like my world caved in for months now. I haven’t liked how I felt, how I acted. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t do something for only six more weeks. But while I was with my gynecologist, I admitted what I’d been trying to unearth for a long time. That I want to stay home longer. So, I’d been projecting that Colin wouldn’t be there for us for the rest of the year, like he hadn’t the first part of it, so I couldn’t let what I really wanted to surface.”
“That makes sense to me,” Brooke put in. “But you won’t have any income, and Colin’s…well, obsessive about finances.”
“We have savings, that he didn’t want to use because of the penalties of taking it out of our 401K and other accounts. But half of that money is mine, and I’m going to take it from the housing fund.” She shrugged. “And I didn’t ask Colin’s permission.”
Brooke cocked her head. “He’s also taking the lieutenant’s exam next week, isn’t he?”
“Yep. He starts his new job in October. I know a lieutenancy is a lot of work, but he expects to be home more, not running out to do trainings and the like with the fire department or working a second job. When he does work, I’ll make plans for what I’ll do, how I’ll cope. I’m going to get babysitters, including Izzy, so I can work out at the Y or run. I’m taking the cooking class. And I’ll meet with my playgroup. When the weather’s bad they go to a restaurant that has a play area for kids.”
“This is huge, kiddo.” Tess smiled at her. “We’ll support you however we can.”
The women all agreed to that.
“If you’re done, Annie, I have something to tell you.”
“I am. Thank you all for the support. Now, go ahead, Tess.”
“We told the girls that David and I are married. We’ll kind of fudge the baby’s conception date. I could explain an early pregnancy, which means I had sex, to Izzy but Maria wouldn’t understand. I was late with both my kids so it’ll work out.”
“Wow, what did the girls say about the marriage?” Annie asked.
“They were elated. They, which includes my mother, want David to move in with us.”
“Will he?”
“He already did, this week. But to be honest, another thing contributed to his move. I don’t want to live in Hope’s house.”
“Again, holy cow.” JJ’s eyes got wide. “This is a huge step.”
“We’re still holding back at work though, so you’re sworn to secrecy.” She let them react, then said, “That’s enough on me.” She turned to Lynne. “I’ve been thinking about you, honey. How’s the negotiating going with Ken?”
“It’s getting worse. My father’s still pitching a fit that I’m abandoning my family. He also says I’m embarrassing him before he retires from his chief position. I think Ken’s been griping to him. They’re plotting to get me to stay.”
JJ shook her head. “That sucks.”
“It’s not working. I’ve put in my resignation from Dannerville, and I’ll leave when the new BC starts. It’ll give me a month before I go to work up here.”
“So, Ken’s really not coming?”
“I honestly think he won’t. Our relationship is, basically, on the skids. But one thing I know for sure is my kids will be with me by Christmas and start school in January.
”
“What about school? Aren’t they upset about leaving their friends?”
“Phillip is. But there’s a consolidation planned to move two schools into one. It’ll happen next fall. They’ll have to change schools, anyway.” She sighed. “The town is dying, really, because of people moving out.”
The women listened attentively.
She glanced at Brooke. “I’m going to live with Brooke until I find a house for them and me.”
“I have an idea.” Tess smiled broadly. “Why don’t you move into David’s house? He’s not quite ready to sell it. It’s in a good school district, too.”
“I can’t afford a big house, Tess.”
“You don’t think we’d charge you?”
“You don’t think I’d mooch off one of my best friends?”
Tess’s brow furrowed and she stared ahead. Then she said, “You know, the place needs some updating before he sells it. They haven’t done much since they built it years while ago. You could supervise a remodeling, and maybe even be able to do some things yourself.”
“Does it need new flooring?”
“In some areas.”
“I’m good at that. If you help me make a list of things to do, I’ll cop on the rent.”
Trish sat forward. “I can help with anything that takes two people. And I’m a good painter.”
“You sure you’ll have the time?” Lynne asked her.
“Yep, things are great with me. Nathan’s going back to school soon. I’ll have free time when I’m off shift and he’s working.”
“All of this is wonderful.” Brooke got tears in her eyes.
The women watched her. Annie said, “Except for you.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, Zach died not even two months ago. I’m still grieving. But it helps to hear you all are moving on with your lives.” Brooke turned to JJ. “Okay, kiddo, you’re last.”
“I aced the captaincy written test. And ran rings around the guys on the physical part. Not that it makes me any more acceptable to the men.”
Annie wrinkled her nose. “Still getting grief?”