by JL Bryan
Chapter Thirty-One
“We think we know who’s behind all this madness!” Sean and Shane appeared at the top of the steps to Poenari Castle, red-faced and panting, both of their faces swollen with red insect bites. Despite their condition, they’d managed to capture a prisoner, who they now carried between them: Grizlemor, who looked even more annoyed than usual.
“Jason, tell these two big lumps that I’m with you!” Grizlemor shouted.
“He’s with us,” Jason said.
The twins paused, looking confused as they took in the scene: the band stuck in the giant spiderweb, the spider-woman and the hog-man with his three leashed hogs, the fly-creature buzzing overhead. Wet, soapy garbage floating all through the ruins.
The hog-creature wearing the ridiculous armor unleashed his three warthogs, and they charged at Sean and Shane.
“Hold your breath!” Jason shouted.
“Why should I hold my—ack!” Sean and Shane broke down in a coughing, hacking fit as all three warthogs unleashed steaming yellow burps. As they doubled over and fell to the ground, the twins dropped Grizlemor, who had held his breath instead of asking questions.
The goblin tried to dash away, but one of the hogs caught him and pinned him to the ground with a hoof. The warthogs surrounded the goblin, glaring at him with their glowing red eyes.
“Can’t you just puff out from underneath that hog?” Jason asked.
“Not when someone’s captured me,” Grizlemor grumbled. He was facedown in wet mucky garbage. “There are rules to puffing.”
“Let’s get to work,” the spider-woman said. They collected the four instruments, pulling the snare drum from Dred’s kit and the central keyboard from Mitch’s set-up—just the original fairy instruments.
They used a knife to carve a deep circle in the garbage-mud in front of the stage, and the spider-woman etched some fairy runes inside it. They placed the four instruments around the circle, at each cardinal direction: Dred’s snare drum in the north, Jason’s guitar in the south, Erin’s harmonica in the east, and Mitch’s keyboard in the west.
Then the spider-woman, the fly-creature and the hog-man stood back from the circle. The spider-woman raised her arms and began chanting in a strange language. The fly and the hog repeated whatever she said.
The four instruments sparkled and glowed, then lifted off the ground and floated in the air. As the chanting continued, the instruments orbited around the circle like planets. The circle itself began to glow a fiery red.
“Does anyone else think this looks really, really bad?” Dred whispered.
“I don’t know, I can’t see!” Mitch complained.
“They’re drawing a circle and chanting,” Jason told him. “And our gear is levitating.”
Then the entire fortress rumbled as if someone had set off a ton of dynamite deep inside. The ground inside the circle erupted, spewing a geyser of dirt a thousand feet into the air. A thick fog of swirling dirt made the world invisible for a minute.
When the dust settled, the glowing circle had become a circular gate made of luminous silver, every inch of it inscribed with intricate fairy runes. The spider-woman raised her arms, and the gate slid aside, revealing a long cave-like shaft into darkness below. Terrible howls and snarls echoed up from it.
“The gate into the labyrinth is open.” the spider-woman said as she looked over the edge. A dim, fiery red glow emanated from the world below.
Bizarre creatures were climbing up inside the tunnel—they looked like teddy bears, in every shade of pastel. As they ruthlessly pawed their way to the top, the teddy bears smiled with long, sharp teeth. Coming up the tunnel behind them was a beast that looked like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but made entirely of colorful flowers. It roared, and its jaws were lined with sharp thorns the size of Jason’s head.
“Teddy Bears of Zarmof,” the spider-woman said. “Petunius the Flower-Monster. You are now free of the Mad Queen’s labyrinth—come and conquer man-world with us!”
“And be part of our hordes of destruction!” the hog-man added, waving his blowgun and stomping one wide hoof.
“Yes, yes, hordes of destruction,” the spider-woman said.
The first teddy bear, who was the color of peach fuzz, reached the gate and hopped out. It bowed low before the spider-woman.
“Great and lovely Rachnia,” the peachy teddy bear squeaked in an adorable voice. “Thank you for freeing us. We were so sad as prisoners.”
“So sad!” a baby blue bear lamented as he crawled out of the gate. His eyes were big and full of tears.
“But now we can spread madness, terror, and death to all humans!” the peachy teddy bear squealed in delight.
“Madness, terror, and death!” cheered the baby blue teddy bear. A lavender teddy bear somersaulted out of the tunnel and joined in the cheer.
“Madness, terror, and death!” the teddy bears cheered together.
A loud rattling sounded overhead. The ceiling decorations—black chains and iron nets—came crashing down on top of them, pinning the spider-woman, the hog-man, and the fly-guy to the ground, along with the three fluffy teddy bears.
All of them howled in pain and outrage.
The iron netting spread across the gate, preventing any more of the creatures from emerging. The fanged teddy bears cried, and the flower monster roared in frustration.
Another roar sounded from where the twins had been knocked out by the warthogs’ poisonous gases. Jason’s eyes widened as he looked.
Sean and Shane leaped to their feet...and they changed form. Horns burst through their foreheads, and tusks sprouted in their mouths. Their red hair grew long and shaggy, and spread all over their faces and hands.
The three warthogs turned to attack the twins, releasing Grizlemor. Now their yellow burps of doom had no effect on Sean and Shane. The warthogs lowered their heads and charged.
Sean and Shane grabbed up the warthogs and snapped the spiked collars around their necks. With the collars gone, the glowing red faded from the hogs’ eyes. They were suddenly very content to root in the heaps of wet garbage all around them.
“Are you guys seeing this?” Erin whispered.
“No, I didn’t see a thing!” Mitch whined.
“Sean and Shane are like hairy horned monsters now,” Jason whispered.
“Seriously? I’m missing everything!” Mitch said.
“But who dropped those iron nets and caught the monsters?” Dred asked.
“That was my handiwork, Miss Zweig.” The flaps to the wardrobe tent opened, and Andrew Malarkay strolled out, flanked by his two bodyguards.
“Sorry, boss!” Sean said. His voice was throaty and also a bit jumbled by the big tusks in his mouth. “I know we’re not supposed to troll out in front of the band, but those warthog things were just too much for human noses to handle.”
“Yeah, we had to change to stop them,” Shane said. “Just doing our jobs.”
“Enough chatter,” Andrew Malarkay said. “You’ve done well enough, though it may be difficult to explain to our new friends.” He looked up at the Assorted Zebras.
“Hi, Mr. Malarkay,” Erin said.
“Hello, Miss Kavanagh,” Malarkay said. He seemed to find her name amusing, for some reason. He looked over the four of them stuck in the spiderweb. “It seems the four of you find yourselves in quite a tangle. Quite a sticky spot. Hanging by a thread, in fact.”
“We’re also stuck in a giant spiderweb,” Jason added.
Malarkay sighed. “Yes, obviously.”
“What’s happening?” the spider-woman on the ground demanded. Her skin sizzled where the large iron net pinned her down. “Who’s captured us?”
“Oh, dear, Rachnia,” Andrew Malarkay said. “You’ve stumbled into my business. Working with the old dullahan Zinerva again, are we? Ye must have hit a spot of rough times.”
“Come where I can see you,” the spider-woman said. The iron net held her head to the grou
nd.
“Oh, you wish to see me?” Malarkay chuckled. He unknotted his tie, opened his shirt collar, loosened his overcoat.
Then Jason gaped as Andrew Malarkay leaped out of his overcoat and landed a few steps from the edge of the iron net. He was less than three feet tall now. His face was changing quickly, too—his thin gray hair became lush and red, and he sprouted a matching beard. The wrinkles and crags vanished from his face, making him look decades younger. He wore an emerald green three-piece suit.
Behind him, the coat fell until it landed on the shoulders of another man, who was red-faced, his hair soaked with sweat. Apparently, Malarkay had been riding on his shoulders. The man looked relieved, took several deep breaths, and sat down in one of the folding director’s chairs around the set.
“Is he a leprechaun?” Erin whispered to Jason.
“He is!” Andrew Malarkay bellowed. He waved at the Assorted Zebras, then danced his way around the spider-woman so she could look up at him.
“Aonghus Mac Lobhar,” the spider-woman sneered at Malarkay.
“It is indeed me, in the handsome and well-attired flesh,” Malarkay said.
“You were waiting for us?” Hogshead asked.
“Yes, yes, I learned of your plans just recently,” Malarkay said. He gestured around at the ruins. “This was quite expensive to arrange, but I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist. I brought the instruments right to an old gate for you, all of it packaged together and tied up with a bow.”
“We zzzhould not have truzzzted the dullahan,” Muscar complained from under the iron net.
“No, she’s a bit out of touch, isn’t she?” Malarkay said. “Even hired one of my old mates, Lew, to spy on the band for her.”
A second leprechaun—the one that Grizlemor had briefly caught earlier—strolled in from around the corner of the wall. He wore his black bowler hat, which now had a four-leaf clover design on the front, and green shoes that curled up into spirals at the toes.
“Are you really dressing like that, Lew?” Malarkay asked him.
“Just a wee joke. The tourists go mad for it.” The other leprechaun winked, his hat disappeared, and his clothes turned to leather and denim.
“So Lew did as the dullahan wished. Where is your dullahan friend tonight?” Malarkay asked. “Was she too clever to come with you?”
“She will be back for you,” the spider-woman hissed. “If Queen Mab doesn’t strike you first. Humans with fairy instruments!”
“I didn’t build me little empire by shaking in fear of the Mad Queen,” Malarkay said.
“You fool, you’ve trapped the instruments under this net with us,” Hogshead snorted. “You can’t touch iron. No Folk can.”
“True.” Malarkay snapped his fingers. Sean and Shane—still in giant horned troll form—hurried over to the big mat of webbing, unsheathed sharp flint knives, and cut loose the two lowest-hanging band members, who happened to be Erin and Jason. “You don’t mind collecting your instruments for me, do you?” Malarkay asked.
“Would someone please tell me what’s happening?” Mitch shouted blindly into the web.
“This is the craziest night of my life,” Erin whispered to Jason as they walked towards the captured darkfae under the net.
Jason and Erin nervously recovered the four instruments from beneath the net, careful not to lift it off any of the three captured creatures around the edge of the hole.
Jason strummed a chord on his guitar, as if to welcome it back, and for a moment it seemed to squirm in his hands like an excited puppy. Jason couldn’t help feeling some affection for it.
“Now, back away, man-whelps,” Malarkay said.
“That means us,” Jason whispered to Erin. They took several steps back, to stand near Sean and Shane under the mat of webbing where Dred and Mitch were still stuck.
“That troll thing is really a good look for you,” Erin said to Sean, and he gave her a big grin.
“Aw, thanks,” Sean mumbled through his tusks.
“Now, let’s sweep them away,” Malarkay said, snapping his fingers. “Down, down, deep into the labyrinth you go.”
The two trolls, as well as Malarkay’s two security guys, hefted the heavy copper chains intertwined with the iron net. They pulled on them, and the net drew inward, drawing all three of the monsters, plus the pastel teddy bears, toward the hole.
“ Aonghus!” the spider-woman pleaded. “You cannot send us into the labyrinth! No one ever returns!”
“I suppose you won’t make my Christmas party, then,” Malarkay said.
The net hauled all of them to the edge of the gate.
“We’ll be back for you!” the hog-man snorted as they fell.
“I wish you the worst of luck with that,” Malarkay said.
As they dropped inside, the three teddy bears squealed their unhappiness. The tangle of iron nets and prisoners crashed into the other bears and the flower monster that were trying to escape, dragging them all back down into the darkness below.
The security guys dropped the heavy copper chains after them.
“Never come between a leprechaun and his gold!” Malarkay shouted after them. He held out his hand, in which he clutched a golden pocket watch, attached to his suit by a golden chain. He closed his eyes and chanted:
There once was an evil fairy, or three,
Who wished to set a few criminals free.
They opened the gate,
It made me irate,
And now there’s no gate to see!
Malarkay kicked the edge of the hole, and the ground rumbled beneath them as the castle’s dirt floor closed like a giant mouth over the silver gate. He danced a little jig and cackled. “In the trap! Down the hole! Round and round, to the world below!”
“What’ll we do about these?” Lew gestured at Jason and Erin.
“Do? What will we do?” Malarkay stood between Jason and Erin, linking his arms through theirs. “We’ll turn them loose on the world to make a fortune for me!” Malarkay winked at them. “And they won’t tell a word what they saw tonight, true?”
“We won’t,” Jason said.
“I’m not even sure what we saw,” Erin said.
“Ah, ‘twas nothing,” Malarkay said. “Those were, as we call them, darkfae. Fairies, twisted into wicked forms by using lots of evil magic. The Queen keeps the worst offenders trapped in her labyrinth for everyone’s protection—always struggling to keep law and order, is Her Majestic Majesty Queen Mab. And now I’ve done her the service of providing a few more prisoners!” Malarkay cackled.
Jason and Erin shared a worried look.
Malarkay tucked away his pocket watch. He looked at Jason and Erin, and gave an unnaturally wide grin.
“Well then!” Malarkay said. “That’s settled. I think we have the makings of a fantastic video. We’ll round everyone up and finish it off tomorrow. It’ll be a hit single, hit video, hit album, ka-ching! I’ll send you on tour, and you’ll delight in the wonders of the world. I’ve seen this happen before, mind you. Your human emotions, combined with the magic of fairy music, and just the right boost of good luck, that’s my department—” He winked. “We’ll all be rich.”
“Aren’t you already rich?” Jason asked.
“What a rude thing to say,” Malarkay said. “In any event, I see bright things for us all. Just stay out of trouble.”
Malarkay walked back toward the sweaty, red-faced man in the overcoat.
“Who’s he?” Erin asked.
“Just an unfortunate gambler who lost a bet to me once.” Malarkay jumped on the man’s shoulders, and the man groaned and stood.
“So you know everything?” Jason asked. “You know about our instruments?”
“Stolen from a troupe of very unfortunate fairies,” Malarkay said. He put his arms through the sleeves and buttoned the coat over the man’s face.
“We signed a contract with a leprechaun?” Dred asked, pulling wads of spider-
silk from her shaggy wolf costume. The twins had cut her down from the web.
“You did! Congratulations on bringing me such luck,” Malarkay said. “I’ll be sure to make a fortune from it.”
“And Sean and Shane are...trolls?” Jason asked. “This is all crazy.”
“No,” Malarkay said. “What you lot have done, sneaking into Faerie and returning with high magic—that was crazy. Bold. Quite mad, really. You’ll have to stick with me, or the Queen will punish all of you. Only I can protect you from her.” The leprechaun winked.
“So, do you know why Heath doesn’t like our music like everyone else?” Erin asked.
“I couldn’t have Heath and his team getting entranced by your music, could I?” Malarkay asked. “I need them to have clear minds to produce your album. So I may have cast a small spell to make them deaf to the charms of your fairy instruments.”
He walked off with his security guys and the other leprechaun and whispered with them. Jason gaped after him, shaking his head.
The band looked at each other.
“I guess it’s good to work for someone who can protect us from the fairy queen,” Jason whispered.
“Who’s going to protect us from him?” Dred whispered. “Leprechauns aren’t exactly known for honest dealing. I mean, in stories, they’re usually playing tricks.”
“We just found out leprechauns are real,” Erin whispered. “So who knows what they’re really like? All we know are fairy tales about them.”
“Not true,” Grizlemor said, appearing in a green puff. “I know a bit about leprechauns. For one thing, they’re ruining the publishing industry. For another, they’re crazy about gold.”
“This one definitely likes his gold,” Jason whispered.
“And he uses some poor guy like a horse to carry him around all day,” Dred said. “That’s probably not a good sign. What do we do?”
“We just keep on playing,” Erin said. “Every chance we get. Just focus on the music.”
“That’s going to be a little hard with stuff like this happening,” Jason said.
There was a thump. The twins had shifted back into human form, and now they’d cut Mitch loose, and he landed hard on the ground. The twins immediately started arguing with each other about who was supposed to catch Mitch.
“I’m fine, thanks for asking.” Mitch stood up and brushed dust from his black cape. Long spider-silk fibers clung to his face like a mane. He looked around and frowned. “Where’s all the supernatural stuff? I kept hearing about evil fairies, trolls, leprechauns...Did I miss everything?”
“Sorry, man,” Dred said.
“You guys looked at the contract pretty carefully, though, right?” Jason asked Mitch and Dred. “There wasn’t anything funny in there.”
“Not as far as I could tell,” Dred said.
“I mean, I may have skimmed a little bit,” Mitch said. “I was pretty excited.”
“My friends!” Malarkay bellowed as he returned, trailed by his cohorts. “Who’s in the mood for a late meal? I know a fantastic all-night moussaka place in Bucharest. Just the thing after a night of fending off evil from another world. My helicopter can have us there in thirty minutes.”
“Let’s go!” Mitch said.
“I had another idea,” Erin said.
“Oh, come on,” Mitch said. “Let’s go eat, like Mr. Malarkay said.”
“I’d like to hear what the lady proposes,” Malarkay said.
“Of course,” Mitch said. “Let’s hear it, Erin.”
“We already have all this equipment up here,” Erin said. “Lights, cameras, microphones...if we can get the power back on, maybe we could record some more songs.”
Jason knew what she was thinking—she wanted to get some of her own songs on video, not just the garbage that Heath Blank wanted them to play.
“I’d like to play some more, too,” Jason said, though he was actually feeling a little exhausted and shaky. Playing his guitar always made him feel better, anyway.
“They want to work!” Malarkay marveled.
“It would be a good idea to have more video material to use,” Mitch said.
“You’d get more of your money’s worth from this expensive shoot, Mr. Malarkay,” Dred said.
Jason smiled. They all wanted to play around and make music without being under Heath’s thumb for a while. It was the first thing everyone in the band had agreed on since the day they’d signed the record contract.
“It’s a splendid idea!” Malarkay said. “More gold in my pocket. Now, if we can sort out this mischief with the power...” The leprechaun leaped out of the overcoat again and surveyed the tangles of wires strewn amid the soap-soggy trash. The man on whose shoulders he rode sighed in relief and sat down again.
Malarkay tapped at one of the gas-powered generators. He waved his golden pocket watch over it and closed his eyes, which caused the rotund old ghost to sidle up and ask whether Malarkay had the time. The leprechaun ignored the ghost.
“And here’s the trouble, kids!” Malarkay announced at last. He held up an insect that looked like a fat beetle with antennae protruding all over its body. “Electrical bug in the generator.” Malarkay dropped the bug on the ground and crushed it, and it turned into squished garbage.
With the bug removed, the generator kicked back to life, and the ruins were flooded with light as several spotlights on one scaffolding switched on.
Everybody applauded, and Malarkay took a bow. A top hat appeared on his head just in time for him to tip it, and then it vanished again.
He removed the bugs from the other generators, and soon the whole set was back to full power. Malarkay’s men found his chair and dusted it off for him, while Sean and Shane wiped dust from the cameras and lights, then swept away some of the heaps of wet garbage. Grizlemor took a nap.
The Assorted Zebras hit the wardrobe tent, Jason and Mitch eager to shed their frilly blouses, Dred steaming inside her ridiculous werewolf outfit. All the available clothes followed a general vampire theme. Jason ended up in a tuxedo coat and a vintage t-shirt advertising a movie called Dracula Meets the Moon Men. Erin found some nineteenth-century dresses and blouses she liked, and mingled pieces of these with modern Goth-style skirts and boots, preparing several outfits so she could change between songs. Mitch found a long red coat with ribbons and lapels that could have belonged to an aristocratic cavalry officer during the Enlightenment.
They found a chest of costume jewelry, and Erin put on fake emerald bracelets and a matching necklace, while Mitch loaded his fingers with fake gold rings and sparkling fake diamonds.
Dred returned to the jeans and plaid shirt she’d arrived in.
“You guys look ridiculous,” Dred said. “Except Erin. She looks passable.”
“Thanks!” Erin smiled at her.
“We’re supposed to be rock stars,” Mitch said. He put on a pair of blood-red sunglasses and smeared gel into his hair. “Let’s go make some music.”