by Swati MH
I turn toward Cassie, who is currently chewing on part of a gummy worm with part of it in her hand. “So, how come we never met until Avni’s wedding?”
She shrugs, popping the other piece into her mouth before smirking at me. “I don’t know. I suppose I was never lucky enough to meet the great Vik Bedi until last year. I’d heard plenty about you, though.”
Playing along, I run a hand through my wet hair. “Oh yeah? You heard all about my incredible good looks and charisma? How I’m the perfect mix of beauty and brawn.”
She snorts, failing to stifle her laugh. Her eyes crinkle on the edges as they gleam. “Firstly, who uses the word ‘brawn’ anymore and secondly, I heard through your cousin, not a member of your harem.”
My eyebrows dip. “Firstly, who uses the word ‘harem’ anymore and secondly, I was merely stating facts.”
“Right, of course. Facts.”
Glad to have put the awkwardness we had a few minutes ago behind us, I continue, “So, what did my wonderful cousin have to say about me?”
She focuses on the waves again before turning to me. “That you were layered.”
I laugh. “Layered! Nice to know I was compared to a dip.”
Cassie giggles. “No, not like that. Just that you have a lot of sides to you. You’re not just a manwhore.”
I bump her shoulder with mine, making us both laugh. “Wow. I think that’s the most flattering thing anyone has ever said about me.”
It’s been fun spending time with Cassie today, away from distractions. Even though she’s usually all fire and no warmth when it comes to me, I can feel some of those flames retreating. Whether she admits it or not, I know she’s having a good time with me. I just wish I could have spent my entire time in San Diego with her instead of wasting it on meaningless pursuits. I wish she didn’t find me so unredeemable. Maybe if I’d met her years ago, things could have been different.
A thought occurs to me as I continue to chew on my wrap. “Didn’t you and Avni go to college together? I came for her graduation but didn’t see you there.”
She shuffles, popping a chip into her mouth, but I observe the change in her demeanor-- rigid, like she’s trying to escape from a small enclosure. Somehow, the forgotten awkwardness is back. “I dropped . . .. I mean, I graduated a semester after her.” She reaches for another gummy worm. “Hey, so what’s your zodiac sign?”
Well, that was a weird change of topic.
“My zodiac sign? Why do you want to know?”
She shrugs again. “Just curious. I’m pretty interested in astrology, so I just want to know if you are the sun sign that I think you are.”
“And what sign do you think I am?” I smile at her, knowing this is going to be interesting.
She looks back at me for a moment, a smile playing on her pink lips. “Either a Sagittarius or a Gemini.”
Running a hand over my chin, I contemplate my response. “Before I tell you which sign I am, care to tell me why you think I’m a Sagittarius or a Gemini?”
“Well, Sagittarians are usually pretty flighty and need a lot of freedom. They tend to travel a lot and don’t like to be tied down to one place. Geminis are flirts and like Sagittarians, they tend to get bored with the same person or same place. They hate routines and love being able to explore something new every chance they get.” She stares at me expectantly. “So, was I right?”
I squint at her. “I find your generalizations to be a bit over the top. I mean, by these descriptions, one could assume that all Sagittarians and Geminis are basically commitaphobe nomads who are always chasing the next best thing.”
She nods enthusiastically. “Exactly.”
I laugh at how confident she appears, apparently having figured me out. “No! Not exactly. I am a Gemini--so you got that right--but while you may think I’m a flirt--”
“You are.”
Just to irritate her, I reach over and take the last gummy worm and pop it into my mouth, earning an adorable scowl from her. “Geminis get bored until they don’t anymore. They explore until they find what they’re looking for. Aren’t you doing the same thing?”
“As in?”
“Exploring.”
She reaches for the bag of chips, finishing off the crumbs. “Maybe. But I’m not ‘exploring’ for a hookup. I’m looking for something real . . . something permanent.”
I turn toward her, taking in the sight of her nearly dry torso under perfect round breasts. Her knees are up and she’s loosely holding them with her arms. Her hair blows in the wind and sand clings to her wet feet and ankles. “And what does something real and permanent mean? How will you know when you’ve found it?”
She lifts a shoulder. “I guess when I find someone who is more than a lover. Someone I consider my best friend, someone I have fun with, but also someone who challenges me . . .. Someone who sees me and won’t bail when things go awry.” Her eyes hold mine. “I want someone for whom I’m enough.”
I shake my head before lifting my hand to slide a stray hair off her face and behind her ear. She doesn’t flinch, despite the goosebumps erupting across her arms. I’m aware that this is the most vulnerable she’s been with me since we’ve met, her steel spine showing chinks for the first time. But right now isn’t the time for me to dig into her past and ask which asshole made her feel like she wasn’t enough. It’s the time for me to correct a big flaw in her reasoning. “No, you don’t want someone who thinks you’re enough,” I whisper, leaning in so close that our lips nearly touch but my gaze never strays from her deer-like one. “You want someone who thinks you set the bar. For whom nothing exists past you. For whom you’re not just one of the many stars in the sky . . . you’re the goddamn sun. That’s who you want.”
Her breath smells sweet, like the package of gummy worms she’s mostly eaten on her own and a visible tremble runs through her. Her eyes halt on my lips, a familiar fire kindling behind them again. She’s contemplating the same thing I am--she’s wondering if it’s worth the risk to cross the threshold and meet my lips at the halfway-point. She’s weighing out all the possible ways this could end.
Because one thing is for sure--this will end.
She’s reluctant to give me what I want and I’m reluctant to take anything but. We’ve drifted so close, that at this point, we’re exchanging breaths, our eyes fastened to one another.
Cross the threshold, sweetheart. You lead, I’ll follow.
Of course, it’s exactly when we’ve both decided which way we want to go when I hear the familiar ring from my phone, breaking our trance. It’s as if someone has hit the play button on a previously paused scene. We both pull back so fast, you’d think the sound had physically pushed us apart.
With my heart racing, I answer the call, knowing it’s from the hospital and that I’m likely going to be called in. Cassie appears to know it too because she’s already folding her towel and slipping into her sandals. The only consolation is that she looks just as disappointed as I feel.
The nurse on the phone tells me that an emergency room doctor has asked for an orthopedic consult for a patient who was just admitted. Dr. Hammonds is busy with a patient and I’m on-call, so I’ll need to go in as soon as possible.
The awkwardness we’d buried earlier is back, enveloping us in a thick fog. Once I’ve collected my things, we both walk quietly toward the parking lot, neither of us wanting to address the almost and the what could have been.
Deciding to shove it temporarily under the proverbial rug, I clear my throat, breaking the silence first. “So, do you have any other plans this weekend?”
Cassie adjusts the strap of her handbag on her shoulder as we continue walking. “Yeah, I’m going out with Major tonight.”
Say what now?
I nearly drop my surfboard. She keeps walking, ignoring the fact that I’ve stopped. The smile on my face refuses to be smothered. “I’m sorry, you’re going out with who tonight?”
She side-eyes me when I catch up to her, pretending not to se
e me grinning from cheek to cheek. “Major. The guy I told you about.”
“Look, Cassie, I know the pickings are slim, but you don’t have to resort to dating a German shepherd.”
A ghost of a smile plays on her lips when she rolls her eyes. “Shut up. You are so juvenile. He happens to be a really nice guy.”
“Oh, I’m sure he’s incredibly nice . . . majorly, even. I hope he’s house-broken.”
Having had enough, she punches my arm. “Don’t be an asshole.” She opens the trunk of her car and takes a long rope out, presumably to tie her surfboard to the top of her car. Or to hang me--the jury is still out on that. “I am not even going to entertain this conversation.”
I help secure her surfboard to her car before walking backward to where mine is parked, still looking at her. “I hope you have a good time tonight, little firecracker. This is major news.”
Despite laughing at my own joke--because, come on, this is just too easy!--a little tightness builds inside my chest. It’s a feeling I only have memories of, like something so far in the past, I can’t fully trust it’s even my own. I shove away the vision of Cassie and this Major asshole, and continue to laugh, hoping it releases the constriction.
Sliding into the driver’s seat of her car, I watch Cassie lift a hand and flip me off through her windshield. As she turns the car and zooms toward the exit, I hope she looks in her rearview mirror to catch me keeling over. I am going to have so much fun with this, she’ll wish she never told me.
11
Cassie
As the sun rises in Capricorn, the wisest of the zodiacs, sage advice from a trusted source may encourage you to reassess your goals and expectations.
Through my rearview mirror, I see Vik bent over, holding his knees, and shaking. From laughter. Ugh! He is such an asshole! An infuriating, self-aggrandizing, incredibly well-proportioned, charismatic asshole who I want nothing to do with!
Liar.
I can’t believe just ten minutes ago I was seconds--milliseconds--away from throwing myself at him like a flame to a forest. The way his lustful eyes roamed my face before locking on my lips. The way his hands became fists, making his knuckles white, disclosing the internal turmoil that mirrored my own. It almost broke me. I would have been fractured, unmendable. There would be no going back from that. No way of hand-waving over the subsequent awkwardness.
What the hell was I thinking? It was as if I was ready to jump into a cavernous pit, knowing what lay below, with little regard for the consequences. Every rational thought went out the window--as is the case whenever I’m near Vik--and my body took over.
Thank God for that phone call. I was literally saved by the bell.
But what if the phone hadn’t rung? Would I have regretted kissing him? Would I have wanted more?
Driving back to the house, I’m too afraid to answer these questions. Too afraid to even consider the possibilities. Too afraid to acknowledge the thrashing of my heart inside my rib cage, as if it was wrestling within a WWE ring. Because considering it would mean accepting the allure, the temptation that is Vik Bedi. Acknowledging it would mean admitting that a part of me wanted to know--wants to know--what his lips feel like against mine. What his hands feel like on my body. What his length feels like between my legs. Heat pools in my core as I try to shake off visions of Vik consuming me, demolishing me.
Oh God. I need to get home without getting into a wreck.
Guiding myself away from the reckless images dominating my brain, I change focus to my date with Major tonight. I can’t be swayed by thoughts of Vik because no matter what, they are just that--thoughts. They won’t become reality because he’s not one to commit and I’m not one to be forgotten. Again.
But try as I may, my heart tugs me back to the way he watched me, looked at me, actually saw me. In all my years, I’ve never been looked at that way, as if I was the gravity physically keeping him from floating away. With the vast amount of beauty around us--from the ocean to the sky to the gorgeous women laying out under the sun--his sight never strayed from me.
For whom you’re not just one of the many stars in the sky . . . you’re the goddamn sun.
I’m just pulling into the garage when I hear my phone ring. Deciding to spend a few minutes inside my car before going inside, I answer immediately. “I know I already texted you this, but I’m going to kill you when I see you in person for giving your cousin my number.”
Avni laughs into the phone. “Well, good morning to you, too!”
I groan in response. “Seriously, he’s infuriating.”
“Yeah, you’re clearly pissed off. What with all the conversations we’ve had about him lately, he’s obviously an irksome asshole.”
I hear the sarcasm in her tone. “He is! I just spent a better part of my morning with him and he’s just so . . . he’s so--”
“Intelligent, sweet, caring? What about--and I can’t even say this without gagging--attractive?”
I grimace, noticing mine and Dad’s mountain bikes standing against the garage wall. They haven’t been used in years. I admit defeat. “Attractive doesn’t even cut it. He looks like he walked out of a Bollywood movie. He’s hot as sin.”
Avni laughs. “How was surfing with him today?” We’d been texting back and forth through the week, and I had kept her abreast of all my plans with her aggravatingly handsome cousin.
“It was . . . confusing. Fun for the most part but,” I take in a breath, “I almost kissed him.”
“Oh . . . wow,” she breathes out the last word as if she’s testing it out in her mouth. “I mean, I expected that from him, but it’s surprising coming from you because you’re . . . you know? So in control usually.”
“I know!” I squeal. “Avni, what is happening to me? Am I going through some sort of hormone surge?”
“Cass, I think it’s clear that you’re attracted to him, whether you want to be or not. The question is, what do you want to do about it?”
“I want to bury this so far deep in the sand that it almost reaches China. That’s what I want to do about it!”
She giggles again. “No matter how far you bury this, it’ll eventually surface again. You know, I haven’t heard you talk about a guy as much as this before. I mean, you’re going on a date with Major tonight and I swear, all I’ve heard about all week is Vik. Not Major. The only things I know about him so far is that he seems responsible and stable and owns a bunch of businesses. That all translates to boring and more boring. But the way you talk about Vik . . . it’s clear that he does something to you. He’s making you feel things that you’re reluctant to admit to yourself.”
“Oh, he’s making me feel things, alright.” I attempt to dismiss the validity of her words with humor. “Things like anger and annoyance and confusion.”
“Are you sure about that?”
Exhausted with trying to unravel the web of my emotions, I place the heel of my palm on my eye, gently pressing against my brow bone to relieve the tension. “I don’t know what I’m sure about anymore,” I finally admit. “I thought I was sane and sensible enough to stay away from Vik. But he’s just throwing me off-kilter.”
“Remember when I had a similar conversation with you about my unresolved feelings for Clark a few years ago? You told me not to protect my heart so much. To be open to new possibilities. Well, I’m with the man I love because you nudged me to take a chance. Now, I’m telling you to do the same thing. Whether Vik is the one or not--”
“He’s not.”
She restarts, undeterred by my interruption. “Whether he’s the one or not, it doesn’t really matter at this point. Maybe you guys will end up just friends or maybe you’ll find epic love. Either way, maybe this chemistry needs to be explored?”
“And what if this is just his ploy to make me another notch on his bedpost?”
“Well, aside from the fact that I’d skin him alive if he ever hurt you, I truly believe this isn’t like that.” She pauses a moment before she continues, “I’ve kno
wn Vik all my life, Cass. He’s more than my cousin, he’s like a brother. And yes, I give him a hard time for being such a player but in reality, he’s a genuine guy who has a heart of gold. He can usually snap his fingers and women frolic to him like mind-controlled drones, but it’s been ages since I’ve seen him actually care about a woman. And I think he genuinely cares about you, Cass. I hear it in his voice when he talks about you.”
“Gah!” I yelp. “Dammit, Avni! Why are you telling me this? I don’t want to like him. I don’t want to feel anything for him, but you’re making me do the opposite.”
“You know it isn’t anything I’m making you feel, Cass. You already feel it on your own and now it’s just a matter of you admitting it to yourself. You’re beyond controlling whatever this is between you at this point. You either have to ride out this high tide or wipeout trying. So, I suggest you find your balance on the board and hang on tight.”
I rest my head on the back of the seat, staring at the car ceiling and voice the only response I can think of to that. “I’m so fucked.”
The short afternoon walk with Dad tired him out. So, after preparing lunch, throwing in a load of laundry, and getting him settled on the couch with the TV remote, I decide to shower and get ready for my date with Major.
I’m just blowing on my wet nails when Dad knocks on my door. “Hey, Tinkerbell, don’t worry about fixing me anything for dinner tonight. My old boss, Jared, wanted to go grab a bite to eat and I told him I’d be up for it.”
My eyebrows raise. “Oh? Are you considering working for him again?” Dad always said Jared was his favorite boss in all the years he’s worked.
He shrugs. “He has an opening for an IT project manager on his team. He said I could even work from home most days, so I’m thinking about exploring it.”
I nod, knowing how much Dad misses being back at work. He decided to take time off six months ago when his autoimmune symptoms flared up, leaving him completely out of energy all day, but I know he’s itching to go back now. “Well, I just want you to listen to your body. Our house is paid off and your disability benefits, along with my paychecks, are enough to pay the bills so I don’t want you to feel like you have to go back to work because we need the money.”