by Swati MH
Vik sees me leaning in to get a closer look. “As you can see, I was quite the looker even back then with my retainer and slicked-back hair. I’ve only gotten better with age.”
I giggle and Vik leans in to steal a kiss from me before looking around to make sure his mom hasn’t caught us. I feel like we’re teenagers sneaking around in his parents’ home.
We make our way to the second floor, and Vik shows me his mom’s modest bedroom before showing me his childhood room, which has been updated with modern furniture and his degrees proudly displayed on the wall.
Opening the door to the spare room next to his, he grabs my hand and pulls me inside before closing the door behind me. Closing the space between us, he pushes my back to the door, caging me in with both hands. His eyes rake my face as the air between us grows thicker. “And this is where you’ll sleep tonight.”
I glance past him momentarily, my stomach doing a summersault. “I’m sure I’ll be very comfortable.”
Gloom sets into his face. “Oh, yeah?” His voice is laced with pain. “I guess you’ll need to get used to sleeping alone.”
My eyes narrow, taking in the irritation marring his face. “Vik--”
“Or maybe you can call the German shepherd again.”
A gasp leaves my mouth as traitorous tears prick the corners of my eyes. How did this moment change in an instant? “You’re not being fair.”
He chuckles without humor, his warm breath fanning my face. “Nothing about this has been fair.” His jaw clenches with his words before his mouth roughly descends on my lips. I curl my hands into his hair, breathing him in. A smell I can never get enough of. A smell I’ll never forget.
Our kiss is desperate and dangerous, as if we’re using each other to cling to dear life, not wanting to acknowledge the cavernous pit below us. I feel the tinge of anger through his lips and tongue--an anger he wishes he could unleash but has held back. He’s angry at me, at himself, at this entire situation.
I pull away, gasping for breath and clutching his head in my hands, making him look into my eyes. “Do you not think that I’ll miss you? Do you think this is fun for me, like some sort of a game?”
“I don’t know, little firecracker.” His dark gaze flares. “It sure feels like you’re just counting down the days until I leave.”
I heave out a brittle laugh, feeling my bottom lip tremble. Counting down the days? How dare he.
My eyes pool with hurt as I jab my index into his chest. “You’ve got that right, Dr. Bedi. I’m counting every fucking day.”
Like an ever-present gloom, all I can think about is the fact that he’s leaving.
Something in his face softens at my retort, like he knows he may have put a chip on fragile china. But before he can apologize, I reach for his lips again, pulling on him to kiss me the way he’d intended to the first time.
I don’t want an apology--there are no words that will take away this sinking feeling that’s settled in my chest. I swallow the lump in my throat and pray that he misses the lone tear making its way down the side of my face.
He doesn’t.
Wordlessly wiping away my heartache, he kisses my forehead, my nose, my neck. His silent words proclaim all the things I want to confess back to him but don’t know how.
It’s too late. The ball has already been set in motion and it’s going to New York.
We hear the front door to the house open and close, halting the stream of emotions begging to be set free. “It looks like Vinnie’s home,” Vik whispers. His thumb caresses my bottom lip in an effort to rub away my obviously swollen pout.
I nod, though neither of us move for a few seconds. Maybe if I force a smile, I’ll trick myself into being happy. “I can’t wait to meet him!”
27
Cassie
While the moon ignites in your ninth house of adventure and uncharted territory--inspiring you to take a leap of faith with a significant other in your life--it will also square off with Pluto to maintain your self-preservation.
There are some people who radiate so much happiness, you wonder if they have a piece of the sun inside of them. That’s exactly what I think even before I formally meet Vik’s brother Vinnie, whom I’d met only in passing at Avni’s wedding.
Vinnie smiles up at me, adjusting his footing along with his crutches, as I make my way down the stairs and then looks at his brother. “Want to walk down slower? We’ve only been waiting for an hour.”
“Stop with the exaggerations. It was literally five minutes and you know it.” Vik reaches his brother and pulls him in for an awkward hug before turning to the woman standing next to him. “And I assume you’re Priya?”
“I am. And Vinay is definitely an exaggerator.”
Vinnie gives Priya a look of mock betrayal before all three sets of eyes turn toward me.
“Vinnie, Priya, this is Cassie. Cassie, meet my brother and his girlfriend.”
Once all of us have shaken hands--and much like his mom, Vinnie’s pulled me into a hug--we make our way to the dining area where Vik’s mom has set out lunch. It smells incredible, like fragrant cloves mixed with curry leaves. My mouth waters just walking to the table where Vik’s mom is busy putting spoons near plates and unwrapping the warm naan.
Vik pulls out a chair for his mom. “Sit, Ma. We’re all more than capable of serving ourselves.”
It’s incredible to see his interactions with his mom and brother through lunch. His laugh is a little louder and his words less guarded. His demeanor is a little more relaxed, like he’s finally able to loosen the proverbial belt. I can’t help but notice the glimmer in his eyes as he talks to Vinnie about his job and as he teases Priya, as if he’s known her forever, for dating his brother. He’s a completely different Vik than the one he shows to people outside of his family, and I finally see what Avni was talking about when she said there was a lot to him that didn’t always meet the eye.
I immediately see what Vinnie sees in Priya. She’s beautiful, warm, and smart. I love that she sees past any of his physical shortcomings to who he is at his core. Priya and I talk at length about our jobs in the health field and the types of hours we have to work. The conversation between us flows so easily, soon both Vik and Vinnie are adding their own thoughts in.
At one point, Vik rests his hand on my thigh again, making the familiar circles with his thumb. And even though no one else can see it, his hand binds me to the moment. There’s something so intimate and reassuring about his touch that I will myself to stay in the moment and not think about the unfinished exchange that we had only an hour ago.
While Vik’s mom adds to the conversation here and there, she mainly observes silently. Even more so than me, she observes Priya and her interactions with Vinnie. I get the feeling that she’s a little more protective of her younger son than she is of Vik. And, probably, rightfully so. She’s had to endure the emotional strain every time he’s had a surgery or each time he’s signed up for a dangerous excursion. I can see the fear in her eyes as she surveys Priya, hoping--praying--that she doesn’t hurt her son.
Finishing up my last bite, I turn to her. “This was so good. I’m stuffed.”
“Good! You’re too skinny. You can come back any weekend and spend time here, okay? Don’t hesitate to call me and say ‘Meena Aunty, I need a home-cooked meal. I’m coming over.’”
Warmth spreads through me that has nothing to do with the delicious hot meal I just devoured. This is what I’ve been missing most of my life--a mother who loves fiercely and nurtures unconditionally. Someone who sees her children for exactly as they are and not as they should be. So different from my own mother, who only threw demands and expectations my way.
“Talking about coming home for a meal,” she continues. “Vikas, will you fly in to see us next month? I know the new job will take a lot of your time.”
Vik removes his hand from my thigh, leaving it feeling cold even under my jeans. Avoiding my eyes, he looks directly at his mom. “Yeah, I’ll still try to
visit every month.”
She gleams at him while my heart grates against the walls of my chest. Forcing yet another small smile, I shove the rising anguish somewhere deep into the pit of my stomach.
After lunch, against the wishes of Vik’s mom wanting to do them herself, Vik and I take over washing dishes. After eyeing Vinnie and Priya on the couch for a moment, she makes her way upstairs to her room. Vinnie and Priya barely notice anything amiss, giggling while exchanging whispers. They’ve been giggling the entire time they’ve been here, lost in each other.
“It must be nice to see your little brother so happy,” I say as Vik hands me a plate to put into the dishwasher. His mom gave him clear instructions to not let me wash them, saying she didn’t feel right about her guests doing dishes.
“I’m glad he has someone he can spend time with. I know he was lonely.”
He gives me the last dish, then washes and dries his hands before moving toward me. Pulling me up to sit on the counter next to the dishwasher, he scoots himself in between my knees, placing his hands on either side of me. “Hey, I’m sorry about earlier . . .. I don’t know what got into me.”
“It’s okay.” I run my hands through his hair. “I know this is hard. But I want you to know that it’s hard for me, too.”
“Cass,” he lowers his head so he’s looking at the counter, like he’s contemplating the best words to use, “I want--”
“Oh, whoops!” Vinnie shuffles into the kitchen but tries to leave as soon as he sees us. “I’m sorry, I--”
“It’s all good, baby bro. I’ll get you back for it later when you’re busy sneaking in whisper-giggles with your girlfriend.”
Vinnie laughs. “She’s pretty great, huh?”
We order pizza for dinner, and the four of us sit around the coffee table playing Monopoly while Vik’s mom knits from a spot on the couch. She lifts her head every so often to smile, watching us negotiate on the rent for Park Place Avenue.
Once Priya has left, we all make our way to our respective rooms for the night. Thankfully, mine has an en suite bathroom, so I take a shower before folding myself into bed. I’m just reminiscing about the entire day in the dark when I hear a faint knock and the click of my bedroom door.
In the short time since we met, I’ve become accustomed to the sound of his heavy footsteps, the faint smell of the woods when he’s around, and his presence like gravity--everywhere. I don’t even need him to ask me before I’m already making space in the bed.
Our bodies align before I’m curling into him, enveloping myself with his warmth like I’ve done on so many nights before. “What if your mom wakes up?” I relish the skin of his neck against my lips.
“Ma could sleep through a war,” he whispers back. We lay there staring into the sheen of each other’s eyes glowing against the dark. My hands tangle with his in the middle of our chests and they voice all the words we’ve yet to disclose to each other. The words we’re too afraid to admit to each other. Neither of us willing to double down on the gamble on our heart.
“Can I ask you something?” I usually don’t hesitate when it comes to being direct with Vik, but I’m unsure which direction this question will take us.
“Always.”
“I know from treating patients with spina bifida that it’s not hereditary, but there’s a small percentage of cases where it is. Do you . . .. I mean . . . are you worried about when you have kids, that--”
I feel him shake his head against the pillow we’re sharing. “No, I’m not.”
“So, you do want to have kids someday?”
“Yeah. There’s a lot that I don’t have figured out in my life, but there are a couple of things that I know I want for sure.”
Vik will make a really good father. Even in the short time that I’ve been here, I’ve seen how loving and proud he is of his brother. I can only imagine him being the same way with his own kid one day. “I really like you and your brother’s relationship. I can tell he admires you.”
Even in the dark, I know he’s smiling. “The fact is, I admire him, too. His resilience in the face of adversity is so commendable. My extended family hasn’t always been very nice to him, but the way Vinnie forgives them and moves forward is amazing.”
“That’s awful that they have made him feel like anything less.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “I still remember one time when one of my cousin’s was having an engagement party and his family invited everyone. My brother was nine at the time, and my cousin and his mom came over to hand us an invite and specifically asked us not to bring Vinnie because he would be an inconvenience.”
Anger and hurt soar through me, demanding retribution on Vinnie’s behalf. How can people be so heartless? “That’s really awful, Vik. How would he have been an inconvenience?”
“He wouldn’t have. They were just embarrassed of him.” My hand moves over his jaw as it tenses under my touch. “Needless to say, none of us attended the engagement party. I’d seen this sort of behavior before with some of them but it was never as blatant.”
“Well, I’m so glad he has such a loving immediate family.” I run a hand through his hair, feeling the silky strands under my fingertips.
“My parents went through a lot. The cost of the surgeries and therapy were a huge financial burden on them, but they knew those would give Vinnie a better quality of life.”
“Is that why you became a surgeon?”
He nods under my hand. “I guess I want to pay it forward in some way to help some other kid have a better life.”
“Well, you’re an amazing doctor and kids like Vinnie will be lucky to have you on their side.”
Vik pauses and I know he’s searching my face. “What about you?”
He can probably feel me stiffen. “What about me?”
Taking my hands into his, he kisses them gently, sending a signal to my shoulders to unclench. “Do you want children?”
I stay silent for so long, considering my response, that he untangles his hand and places it gently against my cheek. “How long are you going to beat yourself up, sweetheart? Don’t you see that you deserve every happiness, too? Don’t you see how much that heart of yours is begging to be set free?”
“Setting my heart free seems to come at a high cost. Every time I’ve hoped for something, it’s become the source of disappointment for me.” I choke on the words like they’re stones lodged in my throat.
His hand cups my cheek and I nuzzle deeper into it, memorizing his touch--gentle and reassuring as if I was a prized possession. “I want to know what you hope for now.”
You.
Us.
I kiss his palm, trying to steady the slight uptick against my chest. The words are stuck somewhere between my heart and my throat, and I can’t seem to string them together. How do I tell him what I’m hoping for? Him. How can I ask him to put my wants before his when our lives are taking us down such different paths? How can I tell him that every day since I’ve met him, I’ve wished that things could end up differently between us? That I wish he wasn’t just a temporary reprieve but a permanent part of my every day.
I can’t.
I always knew what this was going to be and if I have any hope of saving my heart from eviscerating in this inferno, I need to start disentangling now. Because every moment spent with him only brings me closer to the realization that in just a few days, my life will feel like I’ve just woken up from the sweetest dream and that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be able to recreate it.
Maybe it’s not too late to salvage some part of my heart. Maybe instead of watching him leave, I can lift those barriers again that he’s managed to lower--the ones I’ve long relied on to keep me safe.
I need to go into survival mode.
I shut my eyes against the light reflecting from his irises as I strengthen my will once more. He doesn’t push me to respond; instead, he wraps me in his arms and places a gentle kiss against my hairline, likely thinking I’ve fallen asleep.
But just like the words that refuse to string together, sleep evades me while my mind and heart battle, crushing my soul in the process.
28
Vik
Everyday during this last week of my fellowship has been more exhausting than the previous. From three surgeries to a presentation about the research project I’d been working on to handing over patients and cases to other doctors, it’s been even longer hours than usual.
I’m just entering notes for a patient in our patient portal when I get a page to do an orthopedic consult for another NICU patient. My senses tingle in anticipation, hoping I’ll see the woman who’s been missing in my bed for the past week.
Does it matter? Having her in my bed won’t even be a possibility in a few days.
We’ve texted sporadically through the week, but based on the short responses I’ve received from her, I can’t help but think that something seems off between us. She’s been distant and it doesn’t help that I can’t get my arms around her to have her talk to me.
A tall blonde nurse stands behind the computer in the patient’s room in the NICU when I enter. She smiles at me, displaying almost all of her teeth, and I recognize the green eyes. Bella? Beena? What the hell is her name again?
“Ah, Dr. Bedi. I’m glad you’re the one to do this consult.” Her voice sounds raspy as if she was getting over a respiratory condition.
Confused as to why she’s glad I’m the one here for the consult, I move over to examine the patient in the incubator. “It says in her notes that there’s a clicking on her hips. Possible hip dysplasia.”
‘Bella’ walks over to stand next to me as I re-read the notes in my hand. I quickly scan the name on her tag. Becca O’Neil. “Yes. You’re welcome to check again.”
“Have you taken any X-rays?”
“No, I thought maybe you could examine her and then I’d send her off to get pictures.” She says “pictures” like “pitchers” and I try to hide my wince.