by Swati MH
Oh, I know exactly what--who--I want. It’s accepting that I can’t always have what I want that I need to get through to my head.
“No, seriously. Are you sick? Your eyes are puffy and you look like you haven’t slept. Want to talk about it? We have a few minutes.”
Closing the locker, I place my forehead against it. My eyelids feel like they weigh as much as elephants. “I have to catch you up on the past week, but I don’t think I can do that in the next ten minutes,” I whisper, watching another nurse exit the lounge.
“Oh gosh. Well, start somewhere. Give me the short version if you have to.”
For the next few minutes, I watch Lynn’s expression change from worried to somber. Before I even know I need her warmth, she wraps her arms around me as I sob into her shoulder, hoping no one else comes into the lounge. “Shh. It’s going to be okay. You are going to fix this.”
I lift my head to look at her in confusion, almost laughing through another sob. “There’s no fixing this, Lynn. Didn’t you just hear me tell you that he’s already taken the job in New York?”
Her hazel eyes search mine before she responds, “Cass, you know I don’t bullshit with you and will always tell you exactly what I think. So, whether you want to hear this or not, I think you made a mistake.”
My stomach drops as if confirming her accusation. Why couldn’t she assure me that this was for the best and life would resume as normal in a few days . . . or maybe in this case, in a few years?
Maybe in a millennia.
She pauses as I swipe at a trailing tear on my nose. “I know you didn’t expect this to happen--for you to fall head over heels for him--but, girl, he’s crazy about you. He said exactly that from what you just told me. And I think you’re just as crazy about hi--”
“It doesn’t matter,” I cut in with a sob. “He’s gone. He was always going to go.”
“Did you ask him to stay?”
“No. He wouldn’t have. He’d already accepted a great job in New York. It would have been so selfish of me to expect him to stay just for me.”
“See that’s where I think you’re wrong.” Lynn moves a stray hair off my face. “He wouldn’t be staying just for you, as if you’re something so minuscule and irrelevant. He would be staying because of you. Because you’re worth staying for. Because he loves you.”
I sniffle and let out the breath I’ve been holding. “I don’t know, Lynn . . ..”
“Did you tell him how you feel about him? And don’t you dare tell me you don’t feel the same about him! You can try to lie to yourself all you want, but you can’t convince me.”
I shake my head, another sob bubbling up through my chest. “I was too scared. I wanted to beg him to stay, but every time my mind formed a sentence, my heart told me it was too late.”
Lynn eyes her watch, making me realize I need to clean up my face so I don’t look like I’ve just had an allergic reaction. “Listen, you have to tell him. He needs to know, and you need to let him decide what he wants to do with that information. It’s not fair for him to keep thinking that it was all one-sided.”
“It would be cruel--”
“No, Cass. It would be cruel for you not to tell him.” She shoves her hand into the bag she’s carrying, pulling something out before putting the bag into her locker. She presses a small packet into my hand and gives me a sharp once-over. “Give yourself a sugar high and do something about this.”
I look down at the packet of gummy worms in my hands, bringing a faint smile to my face, before I watch her leave the lounge.
30
Vik
How long does it take to purge someone from your system? For you to feel like you’re more than just an empty chamber of yourself, pretending to give a shit about anything around you? A decade? A year?
Definitely not ten days.
It’s been ten days since I saw her, held her, kissed her. Ten days of trying to fit into a life I once led but never want again. A life that’s so unfamiliar to me now, it almost feels like it’s someone else’s.
“Hey, Vik! Are you heading home for the night?” Megan pops her head out of her office to watch me pack up. She’s been practicing at this hospital for more than a year and has become an informal mentor to me over the past few days. She also happens to be dating my good friend and neighbor, Wes, so we’ve known each other for some time.
“Yeah, just wrapping up. Why, what’s up?”
“I was wondering if I could walk back with you. I’m planning to spend the evening with Wes tonight, but I hate walking alone.”
“Sure. I’ll wait while you finish up.”
Within a few minutes, the two of us are walking toward William Street in Lower Manhattan. Like every other evening, the street is chirping--from dinner crowds entering restaurants to people going back home from work on their bikes to taxis dropping off riders. It’s like a constantly changing, yet static scene all at once.
Luckily, I live close to the hospital and sublet my condo for the time I was in San Diego. With most of my day being spent indoors at the hospital, I always look forward to the walk back to my condo.
“God, what a day. It was nonstop for me today. My morning appointment ran late and then it was just a trickle down effect after that.” Megan adjusts her bag on her shoulder as we cross the street. “How was your day? Are you liking the new position?”
I think this is where I’m supposed to feign excitement.
“It was good. Busy as well, but yeah, I’m liking it!”
Megan glances at me. “I feel like you haven’t been yourself since you came back. Wes noticed it, too. Is everything okay?”
I shrug. “I guess I’m just . . . going through an adjustment period.”
“Do you miss being back there?”
So much that I feel it in my bones.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Is there . . . is there someone you miss specifically?” Megan has always been intuitive.
I inhale the smell of exhaust mixed with concrete, pizza, and trash. Eau de New York. A unique perfume for this city alone. “Yeah. But it doesn’t seem like she misses me much.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Vik. I could tell there was something more. I haven’t seen you so down before.” She pushes a button on a light pole to enable the walk sign as we wait on the corner. I can see the high-rise of my condo from here. “Hey, do you want to come out with Wes and me tomorrow night? One of my girlfriends is joining us as well. I think you guys would hit it off.”
We walk across the street as I consider what it would take for me to “hit it off” with someone again. She’d need to be short, with brown shoulder-length hair and an ever-present glitter in her eyes. She’d need to have a backbone made of iron and a mouth that could put even the toughest in their place. But most importantly, she’d need to be beautiful inside and out, with a smile that looked like a rainbow after the rain.
“I don’t know.” I sigh. “Maybe another time.”
“Oh, come on, Vik. You haven’t been out with us in months. I promise it won’t be like a blind-date type of thing or anything. More like two of our friends joining us.”
I open one of the wide glass doors to the building I live in. “Okay, maybe I’ll come out for one drink.”
“Great! Meet us here in the lobby at seven. We’ll catch a cab together.”
With that, I go up to my apartment and make the phone call I’ve been mulling over.
“Well, don’t you clean up nice!” Megan greets me in the lobby the next evening. “Wes is waiting for our Uber to pull up outside. Let’s head out.”
I follow Megan outside but still have this lingering feeling that I shouldn’t go out tonight. While I’d much rather stay home and get some work done or even watch ESPN, I know it’s probably better for me to try to get out of my rut.
Sleep evaded me again last night. I pulled up Cassie’s number to text her at least twenty times but talked myself out of it, reminding myself that I’d said what I needed to say alrea
dy. I browsed through the messages that I’d memorized by now and stared at a couple of pictures she’d let me take of her--one from when Avni and Clark were in town and one that I took of her in my car. She stuck her tongue out at the last minute and squeezed her eyes shut, but it was still one of my favorite pictures.
How long was I going to have to live with this constant heartache? I can’t even flip through TV channels without stopping at HGTV to see if that damn show she loved was on. I don’t even like that show! Everything reminds me of her. From bags of gummy bears in the grocery store to the damn ice cream she took forever to eat. From yoga studios to nurses wearing light blue scrubs. I can’t even stand underneath the damn evening sky without thinking about her fascination with astrology.
She’s permanently tattooed in my mind.
Wes and I shake hands in the front before we all get into the Uber. “Where are we going?” I ask, though I really couldn’t care less.
“My friend, Brie, is meeting us at Capricorn for drinks and then we’ll figure out where to go for dinner after that.”
Of course, we’d meet at a damn astrologically-themed bar. The universe just wants to make sure there was enough salt in my wounds.
“I’m not sure I’ll join for dinner, but I’ll definitely stay for a drink.”
“You gotta eat, don’t you?” Wes eyes me from the back of the car. “Megan told me about why you’ve looked like shit ever since you got back. I said you must be sick because Vik Bedi never gets his knickers tied because of a girl.”
I chuckle softly but don’t respond. Instead, I watch the city lights move past me through the window. What’s there to say anyway? I’d already said what I wanted to say to the woman who needed to hear it. And she chose not to do anything about it.
She’s chosen not to do anything about it for the past ten days.
My phone buzzes inside my pocket. Taking it out, I notice a text from Avni. Hey! How are you? Are you home by chance? There might be a little something waiting for you at your door.
Avni is the master of sending random gifts. A few days ago, she had dinner delivered to my place from a local Indian restaurant because she thought I could use the flavors of home. She’d texted me at work and asked when I’d be home and coordinated from there.
I smile at the text but forego responding. Whatever she sent would need to wait at the lobby with the bellman for when I returned.
We walk into the bar, bristling with a large crowd around the bar area. The bartenders look like they’re ready to ask a few of the patrons to hop over the bar and help make drinks because everyone seems to be talking at them all at once.
While there were enough bars and lounges in Manhattan to never have to repeat the same one, I’d been here before. Even though it has a kitschy vibe with randomly placed cosmic statues and paintings, along with pendant lights in the form of half-moons and stars, it always attracts the local crowd.
Megan spots her friend sitting at a table in the back and Wes and I follow her. “Hey, Brie!” she squeals, giving her friend a hug before turning to us. “Brie, this is my boyfriend Wes, and his good friend Vik.”
Brie is nothing shy of gorgeous. Her wavy blonde hair, perfectly sloped eyebrows over blue eyes, and athletic tan legs would have men like me drooling. That is, if I was still into blondes.
We start off with a round of drinks and casual conversation. Brie works in the Financial District as a banker and has lived in New York for almost five years--ever since she graduated from Columbia. Apparently, Megan and Brie have known each other for quite some time like Wes and I have, so for a good two hours, we exchange old stories of past times and the joys--and pains--of living in Manhattan.
Along with the next few rounds of drinks, Wes orders tacos and bar food, so we decide to skip going to a restaurant and just fill up here. Every so often throughout the night, Brie leans into me when she speaks, putting her hand on my knee.
At one point, Wes finds my eyes across the table. His eyebrow quirks up when she rests her head on my shoulder like she’ll fall asleep soon. She’s had about the same amount to drink as the rest of us, but she definitely looks like she could have done with one or two fewer drinks.
“I’m a little tipsy.” Brie pinches her thumb and index together so there’s no room in between them to show us. I’m not sure the word “tipsy” does her condition any justice. She turns to me and smiles, her eyes unable to stay steady. “You’re really cute.”
“Thank you.”
“No, like . . . really, really. Like, not cute because that’s what you’d call a little boy. You’re more hot and handsome. So broad and God, you might have the plushest lips I’ve ever seen! They’re like pillows,” she hiccups, “of clouds. Cloud pillows.”
“Alright, honey, I think we need to get you home. You’re done for the night.” Megan gets up to signal for us to leave.
Hiccup. “So, I can’t go back to my place tonight. My roommate has her boyfriend over and they wanted the place to themselves for the night since it’s their anniversary or something.”
Wes and Megan eye each other, conspiratorially, communicating in only the way couples do before Megan suggests, “Okay, come stay with us in Wes’s extra room.” I try not to smile when I see Wes’s face. I’ve known him long enough to know he’s irate but trying to be a gentleman.
That and he wants to get laid tonight, and helping his girlfriend’s friend will win him bonus points.
“Or . . ..” Brie slides her eyes to mine but doesn’t quite catch them. “Can I stay with you, Vik? Didn’t you say you guys were neighbors?”
“We’ll figure it out. Let’s just get you home.” Megan ushers Brie out of the bar, trying to hail a cab as Wes and I throw some cash on the table to cover the bill and tip.
Half an hour later, I take Brie out of the backseat where she was nuzzled up against Megan. She hangs onto my waist as if she’ll float away if she didn’t. “How did I get so drunk compared to you guys?”
I help steady her on her feet. “I don’t think you ate much.”
She giggles. “So adorable. You were keeping tabs on me, weren’t you? I knew we had something.”
Walking into our building, I adjust my arm around Brie so she doesn’t fall when my gaze snags on something unfamiliar--and yet so familiar--on a guest chair in the lobby.
Maybe I’m just as drunk as Brie.
I squint, trying to decipher if what--whom--I’m seeing is real or an apparition before my mouth falls open. There’s no mistaking the streak of rage and hurt that passes over her face as she gets up, pulling her roller bag behind her. I watch, stunned momentarily, as she passes me before I finally find my voice, loud enough for her to hear before she walks out.
“Cassie?”
31
Cassie
With the moon touching down on Pisces, and Venus making her glimmering debut in your eighth house of intimate unions this week, you’ll be forced to wear your heart on your sleeve and surrender your fate to the stars, Taurus. As difficult as it may seem at first, this friction between Luna and the goddess of love may compel you to follow your heart.
Of-fucking-course he’s already moved on. This is Vik Bedi, after all. Why had I expected any different? Eleven days is more like a century in the manwhore world, and who knows if the blonde hanging off his body was even the first one he was with after he moved back.
She’s probably one of his New York regulars.
I need to get out of here. This was such a colossal mistake. Why did I let Lynn and Avni convince me to fly three thousand miles to come see him? They were supposed to tell me what a bad idea this was when I proposed it to them, not convince me to follow through with it!
Pulling out my phone to open my Uber app on the busy sidewalk, I feel the familiar sting of tears as my nose starts to tingle. This is so humiliating. My heart both beats wildly and shatters inside my chest. I can barely get my hands to stop trembling long enough to type out the address to the airport when a warm pair of hands
covers mine.
I tilt my head to meet his eyes. “Cass. Please don’t leave. Please, just come upstairs.”
Shaking my head, I try to focus on the phone in my hand. I can’t have him see the tears that are barely hanging on to my lashes. “No, I’m sorry, Vik. This was a mistake. I should have kno--”
“The girl you saw was a friend of a friend. She’s drunk and I was helping her get to my friend’s apartment. If you don’t believe me, ask them. They’re still in the lobby. I haven’t . . ..” He breathes out as if in pain, running a hand roughly through his hair. “I haven’t fucking been with anyone since I came back because no body in this goddamn city is you.”
My lip trembles as he lifts my chin to meet his gaze again. His eyes have lost the mirth that always swam in them. Instead, shallow dark circles have formed under them as if he hasn’t slept in days. “I miss you like nothing I’ve ever known, Cass. I live, dying a little every single day for you because I can’t figure out how to navigate through this new normal. You’ve ruined me.”
A sob rumbles in my chest. “I . . . I came here because . . ..” Swiping at the tear running down my cheek, I swallow my emotion and try again. “I came here because I needed you to know how much I love you. I tried so hard not to part with my heart but the funny thing is, I haven’t had it since the day you helped me with my car. Hell, you might have already had it when I met you at the wedding.” His eyes widen and a small smile graces his lips. “You’re like the relentless light that streams between dark clouds. I can’t extinguish you, no matter how much I try.” He cups my face and his thumbs wipe away the river of tears from my cheeks. “If I’ve been stubborn, Vik Bedi, then you’ve been bull-headed in your course to break me . . . to own me. Well . . .” I wrap my hands around his wrists, “I give up. You win. . . I’m all yours.”