by Bex Dane
If I don't tell him the truth and make up a lie, he's going to think I'm rejecting him because he showed me his scars today. I don't want him to even wonder, so he's getting honesty from me.
"Something wrong?" he asks me when I don't respond to his question.
"You parked in the back lot, and you want to bring my stuff inside."
He chews his lip and his forehead crinkles. "This is a problem?"
"For me it is. It's hard to explain." I let out a big sigh. "I'm just gonna speak from my heart so stay with me here." I gulp down the jitters that suddenly clog my throat.
He nods for me to continue.
"You are like this magnificent person." There. I said it. It's true. That's how I see him.
He shakes his head. "I'm not."
"Well, I think you are and I, uh, have these fantasies about you and me." I struggle to take a deep breath in, but I've started now, and I promised him I'd be honest so I'm letting the rest fly.
His eyes warm and his lips quirk up in the corner.
"And in these fantasies, I'm your girlfriend, you trust me with stuff, and we care about each other. I give you what you need and you give me what I need and it's good. We're both dedicated to getting to know each other and maybe falling in love." I said the L word, but I don't care. It's the truth. I could love Cutter Twist if he would just let me.
He presses his lips together and shakes his head. He looks out the windshield. He's feeling pressured. He doesn't want me to get attached. I knew it. I went and did it anyway.
"I thought if I didn't sleep with you, I wouldn't get hurt, but it didn't stop my mind from dreaming about what could be with us. I thought I'd be safe that way because I thought it was the sex that creates the bond. I realize now imagining what it's like to be with you is just as dangerous. It hurts just as much to get my hopes up whether we do it or not. The worst part is it's all in my head, and if you don't think about the same things, it'll never happen. I still end up with a broken heart, and I never even got to sleep with you." I throw my hands up in frustration. It didn't come out perfectly, but I've made my point.
He nods slightly. That's it. A nod. He doesn't disagree or try to reassure me. He just nods, and my heart sinks. Fine. He gets it. Good. He heard what I said, and his response is a noncommittal nod.
"So, you told me to watch over myself and I'm doing that." My voice breaks as I open the door to his truck and step out. "So I'll carry my own stuff." I try to sound strong, but I'm sinking into quicksand here. I thought he would throw me a rope, but he's just sitting there, distant and stiff.
I swing open the door to the backseat to gather my makeup and camera cases. It's difficult to carry in one trip, but I pile the straps on my shoulders.
He sits in the cab and stares forward. His eyes don't watch me in the rear-view mirror. He doesn't say anything. He's not going to try to stop me from walking away right now. All right. Before I start crying, I turn and shuffle to my door. I must look ridiculous, a clunky zombie carting around a bunch of baggage.
I don't hear him behind me.
He's letting me go.
Good. Fine. I didn't want to love him anyway.
***
When I close the door to my apartment behind me and drop all my stuff in a big heap, Tash and Laith look up from the movie they're watching.
"How'd it go?" Laith asks.
"Really good." Until the soul-crushing rejection at the end there, but otherwise good.
"Your makeup looks great," Tash says.
"Thank you." It's hiding the sorrow and embarrassment weighing down my heart right now. "I'm gonna go wash it off."
In my room, the first thing I do is start up the jacuzzi tub and crank the jets up to high. I can't wait to get in there and rinse today down the drain. I should forget the awesome memories I made with Cutter. I pour in an extra dollop of bubbles to help scrub my heart clean and force it to stop caring about him so much.
After I peel off the big pieces of prosthetics and my clothes, I climb in the bath. The pressure of the water only makes my chest feel more heavy. I'm disappointed in myself, my vow, him. I tried so hard and still ended up soaking in bitter regret. I sink under the water and squeeze back tears. I'm working on some remnant glue when the bathroom door opens.
A very sheepish-looking Tash makes a goofy face. "If Freddy Kreuger came to the door asking for you, would you be mad if I let him in?"
"He's here?" My hand reflexively flies to cover my chest even though I don't see him. I get out of the bath and grab a towel. I'm dripping onto the bathroom floor when he pokes his head in.
The naughty grin on his face tells me he shows no remorse for bursting into my bathroom unannounced.
"I'll uh… leave you to it." Tash gives me a wink and shoots me with two finger guns as she turns to leave.
"I was taking a bath," I say to him, inanely.
"I see that." He smirks and checks out my tub as he walks inside.
Why the heck is he here? "I thought we agreed…"
"No. You declared something and ran away. I'm not ready to leave yet."
Oh. Hmm. Not ready to leave. Hope soars in my chest that he's here for the reasons I want him to be, but… "I can't."
"And I brought you a kubotan." He holds up a thin black cylinder that looks like a pen with a rounded tip. A silver keychain ring dangles at the end.
"Thank you." I take it from him and turn it around in my hand. It's light, but strong. I could totally see how this would hurt someone if you poked it in their eye. Part of me thinks it looks like some kind of ultra-tiny dildo, but I'll never tell him that.
"I'll show you how to use it later."
"Okay." I didn't realize we had a later coming, but okay. As much as it bugs me when he acts protective, I like it too. He's showing me he cares. He hasn't said he cares though so it's a moot point.
"I got a question for you." He interrupts my contemplation of the kubotan and what it means.
"Hmm?"
"What do I have to say to make you give up on your vow?" He leans forward and looks into my eyes with amused curiosity.
Is he for real? Freddy Kreuger asking to date me is gratifying on a lot of unhealthy fantasy levels. The fact Cutter Twist is under that makeup saying it is exciting beyond anything I've ever imagined.
My hand grips the kubaton tightly in my fist and squeezes with all my might. Yep, it's strong like he said. I can't answer his question right now. I just can't. As I'm walking to put the kubotan on the counter by the sink, I hear him moving deeper into my bathroom.
"I need to get the rest of this costume off." He pulls his shirt over his head, revealing his patchwork of scars and tattoos under the makeup around his neck. He's making himself bare to me to show me his scars, but all I see is sharp muscle. He's gorgeous. And he's coming toward me. And he's taking off his pants. Oh my word, I'm going to hyperventilate.
"Can I use your bath?" he asks casually.
"Um, okay."
He drops his pants and his fricken boxer briefs hug his skin tight. He's broad up top and narrow at the waist. Those underwear were made to be worn by his round ass.
"Cutter." My voice is a warning, but not a full stop.
He freezes and turns to look at me. "Why do you have such a kickass tub?"
"Bubble baths are an important part of my life," I answer honestly. Nothing fixes a bad day better than a hot bath with scented bubbles and massaging jets.
"Are they now?" He grins.
"Yeah." I'm not ashamed of it. I'm proud of my jacuzzi tub.
"So you earned some money and spent it on a haunted room at the Queen Mary and a big tub in your apartment?"
"Pretty much. Priorities." I shrug. It's true. Bubble baths and ghost hunting are number one and two on my list, respectively. I don't care if he judges me or not.
He chuckles and the way his abs ripple totally distracts me. Lordy, lordy, I've never had a Freddy naked fantasy before but this is off- the-charts hot. His huge dick is filling out his s
horts and defying gravity as it bobs in front of him.
He steps into the tub with his briefs on. Thank God he didn't strip in front of me; I'd probably drop my towel and impale myself on his dick. It's been far too long since I had sex. Far too long.
The bubbles reach up to his chest, and he waves his hand for me to come in.
"Um." I look down at my breasts tucked safely in my towel. "Not a good idea."
"I promise I'll be good." He sinks down under the water and gets his face and hair wet.
I want to go in, but not totally naked. "One second." In the hamper in the corner, I find a long ribbed tank top I use for sleeping. "Don't look."
He turns his head and closes his eyes as I drop my towel and slip the tank on. It barely covers my privates, but they'll be hidden by the bubbles.
I feel his eyes on me as I climb in opposite him. The warm water soaks my tank top, making it like skin anyway, but there's still enough bubbles swirling around to make it discreet.
We both work quietly peeling the prosthetics off our faces and setting the pieces on the edge of the tub. My heart is beating fast and my mind is spinning. After a while, the warm water works its magic, and I'm able to calm down, accepting the fact that Cutter and I are close to naked in my tub. I lean forward to help pick a clump of glue off his face, and he smiles when my hand touches his cheek.
When we're done cleaning our faces, his gaze is soft and focused on me. He looks open like if I asked him anything he would answer, and I have to assume because he came in here to talk to me about my vow, he's ready to share.
"Who hurt your back?" I ask him.
"Cass…" He looks down.
"I want to know."
There's pain in his eyes when he looks back up. "My bio dad." The vulnerability there makes him so much more attractive to me, and he was already pretty irresistible.
"Did he hurt Sutton too?"
He shakes his head. "I can't speak for her. Just know I did all I could to take it from her."
"I'm sure you did, but you were just a kid."
He covers his face with his hands. "I was really young. Couldn't fight back. I tried to protect her. I swear I did."
Oh my gosh, he's breaking my heart. I sit up and pull his hands off his face. "It's okay. She forgives you. She loves you. You're a fighter now."
He nods but his eyes are tortured. "I fight back now."
This poor man has been fighting back his entire life. "Good. But you need to forgive yourself for everything."
Wrapping an arm behind my back, he rests his forehead on my shoulder. "Working on that."
"Where's your mom?"
He raises his head and runs his hands through his hair. After a deep breath, he says, "She died when I was fourteen. Drug overdose facilitated by my bio dad." His voice is sad and dejected.
"Do you still cut yourself?" I ask quietly, trying to make it clear in my tone it's okay if he does. I don't want him to feel judged by me.
"No."
Phew. I'm relieved to hear he's conquering this one. "Can I ask if you were trying to commit suicide?"
"No. Fighting the demons in my head. If I cut myself, I could focus on the new pain for a while. The old pain took a backseat. Problem is the wounds heal on the outside, but not inside." He dunks his head under the water and shakes it off when he comes out. Maybe he's signalling he wants to stop talking about this, but I have more questions.
"When was the last time?" I ask him.
His lips quirk up for the first time since we started talking. "The day before I met Foster and Mila."
Aww, so sweet. They truly saved him. "I wish I could've been there to help you."
He shakes his head. "Nothing you could've done. I needed the love only a parent can give."
I nod and caress his cheek. I totally know what he means. I was with Mila for a few hours, and I felt the potency of the love she gives her family. Shoot. She gave me love I've never felt before while I was there, and I was a total stranger.
I know my next question will be hard for him, but he's standing strong and answering everything I've asked so far. "Why did you pull a knife on me the first night we met?"
His eyes stare at me, unblinking. His shoulders hunch forward. "Fight or flight reflex. I was amped up from something else. It felt like an attack. It was automatic. I instantly knew what I did wrong and regretted it. I'm sorry."
Based on all he's told me tonight, it makes sense now. He's been carrying dark guilt around when I'd already forgiven him a long time ago. "I forgive you."
He dunks his head under the water again. Repeating his signal he's done with the topic. I'll let up on him now. I love all the answers he gave me.
"Back to my question," he says after a quiet minute passes with warm bubbly water sloshing qu between us and the jets massaging my back.
Uh oh. Now I'm on the hot spot.
"What do I have to say to earn the privilege of making love to you?" His voice rumbles deep and thick. The humor from the first time he asked me is gone. He's somber this time.
My throat grows dry, and my chest feels tight. I have to get the words out. "I don't want you to say it. I want you to mean it."
He nods. "After you tell me what you need, I'm going to show you how I'm gonna give it to you, but right now tell me what you need to hear from me in order to feel safe."
My stomach drops thinking of how he's going to show me, but how should I answer his question? With my heart, I guess. "Say I mean something to you. Say you want only me and no one else. Say you see a future with us together."
He scratches the skin over his eye. "Anything else?"
"Tell me you won't break my heart."
His arm around my back pulls me onto his lap. My legs fall to the side, so I'm not straddling him. It would be too hard to have this conversation that way. "The way you reacted to the scars…"
How did I react? I cried and hugged him.
"That meant a lot to me."
"Thank you for sharing it with me." I've never seen a man let down his guard like he did today.
His hand rubs up and down my back. "Watching you make your videos, stand up to your mom, stand up to me. There's joy on the outside, but pure strength inside too."
Aww. I like that he sees me that way. I see myself that way too on my best days.
"The way you move, the way you look, the way you are, it's just right for me. It's attractive in a way I want that in my life every day. I've never wanted anyone all to myself like I want you to be mine."
"Cutter." I lean in and kiss him softly on the lips.
"And I'll do anything I can to avoid breaking your heart."
I smile and nod as my throat tightens. He's saying what I need to hear, but his voice is rock-solid honest.
"What do you need to hear from me?" I ask him.
His head pulls back a little like I caught him off-guard. After a while, he says, "Say you'll watch over yourself and stop taking so many risks. Say you'll call me if you're thinking of going to a party alone and give me the chance to talk you out of it."
"Is that what you need?" I ask him.
"I want you no matter what. But yeah, those things would help." There's an edge of frustration in his voice like this has been on his mind a long time.
"I respect that. Okay. I'll be more careful. I understand you care about me, and you want me to stay safe. I'll run risky stuff by you before I do it." I keep my voice steadfast and resolute so there's no question about my veracity.
He closes his eyes. "Thank you."
His kiss seals the deal of our new covenant. It's only promises, but my heart has no doubt of his conviction. I know him now. He's not the kind of man who would lie about something as important as this. His soft wet lips on mine assure me. He lifts me up and moves me around so my legs straddle his hips. His hard dick smashes between us and he grins. "And you're fuck hot."
I'm laughing when he plants a divine kiss on my lips. Hot, open, hungry. I slowly run my palms over his back and his ar
ms. Each bump on his skin is a part of the tapestry of his life, and he's sharing it with me. He's granted me full access to his body, and I'm savoring every second of it because I'm fully aware what a precious gift it is.
I lock my ankles together behind his back, drawing us closer and wriggling against the friction of his dick pressing between us. His hands under the water slide from my knees to my inner thighs and wrench me up, driving the water from between us and maximizing our skin-to-skin contact. My fingertips roam over his slick, rock-hard body too, feeling the smooth patches between the raised scars, loving how his muscles twist and flex as we explore each other for the first time without having to worry about stopping. We're free to unleash it all, no fear or condemnation.
My mouth swallows his moan as I grasp the tip of his shaft through his wet briefs and tug with a force that would be too abrasive if the water wasn't providing a unique lubricant. He grunts and juts his hips up into my hand with the buoyancy of the water making it fluid like a wave on the shore. He's signaling he understands the gravity of the moment, and he's primed to go just like I am.
His whiskers and hot breath tickle my skin as he kisses up my neck to my ear, unlocking the gate to a deep need that's been blocking our path since the moment we met. "Finally," he says in my ear over the sounds of the jacuzzi jets.
"I can't believe how good it feels." My sigh is a release and acceptance that this truly is happening.
He spins us in the swirling hot water, and it caresses every inch of my body. My eyes are glued to his shining abs as he pulls away and stands up to peel off his wet boxer briefs. Seeing his cock for the first time is all I thought it would be. Thick and strong and aiming at me as its target.
His hand lifts mine until I'm standing up out of the water too, and his heated eyes take in my body through my wet tank top. "Jesus. Fucking beautiful." He turns me around and puts his hand over mine, his front lined up with my back. We both stare in fascination at the slippery scene unfolding in the mirror on my wall.
He guides our hands over my stomach and down, down under the water until my hand is between my own legs. As we sway, the large bubbles from one of the jets hits our fingers. He pauses for a second as he presses tiny kisses on my back and lets the jet massage our joined hands. His knee between my legs lifts me up just an inch, and oh my Lord, he's positioning me so the stream of powerful bubbles hits right where our fingers are together over my clit.