by Daya Daniels
December 9, 1893
We stumble upon all sorts of love in our lifetimes.
All are love.
Except all aren’t understood by others.
It makes it no less love.
Captain Ian Alcott
Such simple words…
On the following pages, there’s a sketch of a rose and then one of a woman…One who has long hair, a prominent nose, and deep-set eyes. She’s beautiful.
I smile.
This must be Peighton.
Shutting the book, I press it to my chest and then, when my eyes dance over Brooks, a sinking feeling of dread takes over me. One I hadn’t truly accepted before. I never had asked myself this question before but maybe I should.
I want us to survive.
We need to live.
We need to move forward.
So, by the grace of God, once we set foot on solid ground, what happens next?
Brooks
THE STARS TWINKLE…
Tenley is wrapped in my arms, asleep.
Peni is out like a light too.
One thousand eight hundred and twenty-five days.
A breath leaves me as I gaze up at the sky above finding it as endless as my thoughts.
It’s been sixteen days of endless sun since we’d set out on the ocean. We’d reached a place out where the waves swelled but they were nothing this boat couldn’t handle. I’m grateful for that. So fucking grateful.
The last thing we need is another storm.
The winds of our lives have already been gale force enough.
I shove my nose into Tenley’s hair breathing in the strands and then it drags along her temple and down her cheek. I shut my eyes for a beat and absorb the soft waves which slap against the side of the boat and the rocking which is soothing.
A dolphin’s cry fills the air and then a pod of them flip and splash in the distance before they disappear beneath the black sea.
I’m exhausted, and truthfully, I’m beginning to question my decision, just a little bit.
Fear rattles me but hope pushes me on even more.
I sing a little to myself finding the action relaxing, reminding myself of the endless days I’d spend in my garage back at home and would make my best attempt at carving something.
I’d still need to finish that grandfather clock when I get back.
If I get back…
Tenley’s eyes pop open.
I angle my head to the side to get a better look at her beneath the moonlight and surmise that she’s still asleep. This hasn’t happened in a while…
“Brooks.” She smiles, fingers clutch my ratty shirt.
“Yes.” I nudge my cheek against hers and pull the blanket over her tighter.
“I just want you to know that no matter what happens…”
I kiss the top of her head. “Go on.”
She smiles a sweet smile. One that reminds me of how hard I’ve fallen, crash-landed in her world. “That no matter what happens…” Her eyelids lower. “I want you to know that you’re my hero…”
I laugh a little, eyes shine, cheeks blaze.
They’re the sleepiest, sweetest words anyone has ever said to me.
I won’t be a hero if I get us all killed…
Maybe it’s been a good run.
We’ve survived up until now.
“Thank you, Tenley.”
“No, thank you, Brooks.” And thennnnn, she’s out.
With a laugh, I gaze up at the sky one last time, accepting that sleep is pulling me a way I need to go. I say a few words aloud, praying that God keeps us safe out here in this magnificent sea that’s been so fucking kind to us since we’d floated away from the island. I kiss Tenley’s forehead one more time, give Peni a scrub and then I allow my eyes to shut.
Rest for the weary is long overdue.
~
My lashes flutter and soon my eyes pop open to a peculiar sound which tickles my ears.
Something cutting through the water…
The ocean is black for miles.
I twist onto my side and blink rapidly unable to believe my eyes.
Light.
So much light.
But it’s far away.
Farther away than it looks.
And big.
I finally realize we’ve hitting a shipping lane.
Fuck
me.
Calm infects me. Hope lives in me. And my heart beats harder than it ever has with elation.
Five years.
Five-long-years.
We’re going home, Tenley.
A smile dances across my lips as my shaky hand reaches above me and pulls the flare gun from the roof of the boat. I say another silent prayer because I have one shot and if this thing doesn’t work, we’re fucked. “Please keep us safe. Please let us get home. Please give us another chance.” At life. At love. At everything. Another breath drifts from me.
I point the flare gun to the heavens and pull the trigger.
POP.
A loud hiss follows as the flare heads upward for the dark atmosphere.
A breath leaves me on a gush.
The sky explodes.
Orange blazes and burns.
And it’s the best fireworks show I’ve ever seen.
Godfuckingspeed.
CHAPTER SIX
Chicago, Illinois
Tenley
I SHOULD FEEL JET-LAGGED, but I don’t.
Apparently, a shit-ton of other things are on my mind.
I never thought I’d find myself uncomfortable simply because I’m wearing a bra.
A sigh slips from me.
The black SUV barrels down the highway and complete silence fills the vehicle.
“Wrapped Around Your Finger” by The Police drifts from the speakers which surround us.
Our rescue had been kept as quiet as money could buy. And I know a lot of green had been shelled out to make that happen. The movement was swift from being pulled onto the container ship which had spotted the flare in the sky, then being flown by helicopter back to Indonesia and from there we arrived back here in Chicago.
As soon as we landed, Peni had been placed in quarantine by the authorities who blabbered on some garbage about rabies precaution…
I was pissed about that, but they assured me that after she’d gone through all the standard testing and received all required vaccinations that she’d be released back into my care. Her big eyes were sad when I pressed a kiss to her cheek and promised her that I’d collect her as soon as I could. And that couldn’t be soon enough.
I squirm against the leather seat and stare out the window at the brightly lit city, shoving my hands between my thighs. Then I catch my reflection in the mirror. I’d have to get used to this…seeing myself live and in the flesh at every turn I make. I’d left my hair out and I’d chosen a white dress even though I don’t deserve to wear one. I should be wearing black for more reasons than I dare to admit.
Although I don’t feel it, I look fresh, wearing hardly any makeup and with my hair out and flowing down my back. I’d been asked by Richard’s personal assistant who he had flown to us in Indonesia if I wanted to cut my hair. I’d replied with an assured “no.”
Brooks sits on the opposite side of me, his lips are pressed to a closed fist as he leans on his hand, eyes fixed on everything beyond the window. My eyes dance over the expensive blue linen suit he’s wearing which he of course hadn’t picked out himself. His dark hair is pulled back neatly in a knot on the top of his head and his beard is trimmed. I was surprised he’d kept it all. Honestly, I thought he’d go for a haircut and a clean shave but clearly my assumptions were wrong.
An entire seat separates us.
And that space between us hurts.
It might as well be the entire Indian Ocean.
It’s only a reminder of how things will be from now on.
A fresh slap in the face with reality…
He isn’t yours. He isn’t yours. He isn’t you
rs.
I place my hand on the seat and gaze up at him, heart hammering away in my chest and something ghastly swimming around in my gut. I take another breath but no matter how many I manage it isn’t enough. Something doesn’t feel right. Nothing has felt right since we left our home and had arrived here. “Brooks.”
His gaze swings to mine, thick dark brows bent and blue eyes shining with excitement or maybe fear. I can’t tell which it is. It’s been difficult to read him in these last few days. He feels far away, distant, out of reach. Like that night when he’d floated away from the island in Kulon’s boat.
“Yes.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m just, you know, wondering what to say…” He smiles a little. “And debating if I should say anything.” His eyes are full of shame and hesitation.
I fail at keeping a tear back.
His gasp is audible when he sees it and reaches out to take my hand. I almost fall apart at the comfort and then I can’t think of what I’ll do when I lose it. Each mile this SUV makes as it heads closer and closer back to our old lives, I’m losing more and more of him. Soon, he’ll be gone, completely.
He’ll be loving her again.
His wife.
My best friend.
“Tenley.” His thumb skates across my jawline and then he’s close, so close.
With a heart ripped to shreds, I peer into his blues feeling so guilty.
I want to return to James but yet, I feel as if my life is right here, with this man.
Brooks cups my head with his big hand and gazes at me with concern in his features.
I squeeze my eyes shut and then I open them, hating myself for this. “Brooks, I love you.”
He’s frozen, expression blank, mouth sealed tightly shut.
“I love you.” I hang my head low. “I love you so much.”
He releases me like the contact with my skin burns him and backs away, shaking his head.
I sob.
“Tenley, please don’t do this to me.” He wipes a hand across his face. “Please don’t fucking do this right now. Please don’t do this to yourself.” His features twist with anger as he lunges for me and takes my face in his palms, mushing my cheeks. “We can’t do this, you know that.” His eyes are misted over. “We have to go back. We’ve always had to go back, Tenley. We have to do the right thing.”
I shove him away from me, hard. “Because that’s what we’ve been doing all this time, right?”
He exhales. “Tenley, pleeeeease.”
I wipe my tears unable to believe what I’m seeing and hearing.
Brooks is resigned to leaving me for good.
“Do you still love her?”
I feel so fucked up asking the question.
How dare I!
This man is married!
I feel like a desperate mistress right now who’s begging someone else’s husband not to leave her.
Brooks stiffens, eyes fixed on me, blazing a blue I’ve never seen before. He edges closer and then pulls me into a kiss, delving into my mouth over and over and over with his tongue, taking the last little bits of me left which still belong to him.
I focus on the shape of his mouth when he backs away and peers into my eyes.
Pink perfect lips that I will never kiss again.
“I suppose I love her in the same way you still love James, Tenley.”
Like a memory?
Like a figment of the past?
What does that even mean?
A familiar street comes into view and the SUV takes a few turns.
I weep.
A strange kind of heartbreak sits in my chest. It’s heavy, painful. It constricts my lungs, makes me question everything.
Brooks’ forehead falls to mine. “I love you, Tenley, please believe me, but we have to do the right thing.” He nods, urging me to nod with him.
Why do I feel like with the blessing of this rescue comes the nightmare of losing him?
It makes me wonder about what I would’ve preferred now that I’m here and the reality is so real and only minutes away from happening.
I cry more.
He groans into my cheek and allows his own tears to fall. “Please don’t do this to me, Tenley.” A hoarse gasp follows his plea.
I pull my shit together, thinking of my old life, remembering the happiness that James and I shared…I wipe my tears, untangle myself from Brooks’ hold and make myself more comfortable in the leather seat. “You’re right, Brooks.” I breathe. “Maybe we don’t even truly love each other. Maybe we simply fell in love because we only had each other. We had to survive. It’s been just the two of us since forever.” I lie so good…to Brooks…to myself… “What I had with James, that was real. What you had with Joy that was real. What we had was simply survival. Nothing more.”
Brooks scowls and his gaze is hot enough to set me on fire. “I don’t believe that, Tenley.”
I rest my head against the window and think.
“I don’t fucking believe that at all.” He twists to face me and before I know it, I’m pulled into another harsh kiss.
Brooks
HEART SPLIT, CRACKED RIGHT down the fucking middle…
I consume Tenley’s mouth, stealing everything from her including the little oxygen she expels. My fingers tangle in her hair and I hold her, dying inside, because it’s the last time I ever will, like this.
A tear slips from her eye.
I breathe into her skin. “I don’t believe that, Tenley.” I hold her close to my chest and gaze out the window at the city I’ve missed so much.
Skyscrapers. Bright lights. Endless traffic.
It’s been sensory overload since we were hauled onto that ship and I’ve been unable to adjust to all the foreign faces, voices, and random sounds. I don’t know what to make of it. I almost feel as if the world has intruded on what Tenley and I once had. And in some way, I suppose, it was peace.
Just like Kulon, that bastard, had said…
“I love you, Brooks.”
Slowly, I’m untangling from her, releasing her and doing a piss-poor job of doing so since I’d only made love to her a few hours ago, for what I’d told myself would be the last time before we clambered into this SUV. Like a thief I continue to take what isn’t mine and I know I must stop.
“I love you too, Tenley, you must know that.” But it doesn’t matter…I say the words over and over, hoping that she’ll understand that no matter what happens next that I love her. Even if I can’t have her. I love her.
In some magical world, in another lifetime, I imagine I can give her everything she wants…
A life.
A child.
A home.
But she isn’t mine…
The vehicle takes a familiar street in Lincoln Park where Joy now lives.
Tenley cries harder, and through that, I work feverishly to clean her up. Hot jet fuel rushes through my veins at the thought of another man touching her. It burns and burns and burns even if that man is James. My best friend. My bona fide. I feel so fucking ill I can barely breathe. I let her go.
“We have to do the right thing, Tenley.”
Should we really break their hearts any more than we already have?
They don’t deserve it.
We’d be monumental assholes!
So many promises stand between us…memories…obligations…vows.
“I know.” Her eyes are sad.
There is no other way. I think of everything we’ll destroy if they ever find out the truth. And believe it or not, I care about James just as much as Tenley cares about Joy.
James doesn’t deserve this.
Neither does Joy.
There are too many hearts at risk.
“I’m sorry.” I kiss Tenley hard. “I’m so fucking sorry.” I wipe my tears.
As soon as the vehicle comes to a stop, I open the door and take each step ahead with effort, as if I’m scaling Everest, until I’m standing right out
side the ornate doors.
I ring the doorbell and wait.
A woman answers the door, and soon, out drifts the scent of one of Tenley’s lemon-ginger-scented candles along with Lord Huron’s “The Night We Met.”
“Oh goodness.” Maggie, as her name tag displays, must work here. “You’re here.” She slaps a hand over her mouth, backs away from me and leaves the door open. “I’ll get Joy right away…” Then she scampers off somewhere.
I linger, afraid to step inside without an invitation, feeling as if I’m on alien ground.
A door of the SUV slams. “Brooks.” Tenley’s voice echoes from behind me.
I’m frozen.
Tenley eases up behind me and peers at the same thing which I see.
Two children stand in the foyer—twins, blond and brown-eyed, maybe three years old.
“Hello,” the little boy says. “I’m Brooks.” He smiles.
The little girl giggles. “I’m Tenley.”
What?
I’m in the Twilight Zone.
My gaze swings to Tenley’s perplexed one.
And then the two kids run off.
Joy steps in the doorway, tentatively, and then…so does…James.
Oh.
They both look a little older, sad and worse for wear, just like Tenley and I do.
“Brooks.” Joy manages a smile. “Tenley.”
“James.” The name barely leaves me.
“Brooks.” His eyes are full of tears when he smiles. “I’m so happy to see you.”
“James.” Tenley steps forward.
“Tenley.” James wipes a tear away when he sees her.
We stare at each other…no one says a word.
I’m still stuck on the thought of the two rascals who had just scurried from my sight.
Who do they belong to?
I’m focused on Joy and James where they stand. The way he holds her…The way she clings to him. It’s the embrace of a man and a woman who are more than just friends…
Joy reluctantly takes James’ hand in hers.
I glance down at James’ hand and then my eyes skip over to Joy’s fingers.
Rings.
Gleaming ones.
Fingers intertwined.
Tenley sucks in a breath.
“I’m so, so sorry, Brooks. I’m so, so sorry, Tenley. I didn’t know how we would explain.” Joy covers her mouth with a hand right before she begins to weep softly and buries her face partially in James’ chest. He clutches her nape and kisses the top of her head, his eyes sympathetic as they observe Tenley and me. “James and I, w-w-we thought you were both dead.”