He gives a small, sad laugh, that comes out like a puff of air. ‘He was far from level.’
‘Okay.’ I clap my hands together. ‘Next.’
I pass out the envelope marked ‘2011’. ‘This is the first year I was earning decent money, so I figured I’d have wanted to treat you both this year.’
‘It’s a minibreak to the Lake District, Bill.’ Mum hands Dad the envelope. ‘Thanks, love. I’ll look forward to that.’
‘2012 was a busy year for me, so I’d have probably grabbed something that looked nice on the shelves at Selfridges but required very little thought.’ It’s a Jaeger wallet for my dad and a purse of the same brand for my mum.
‘These are lovely, Sam,’ my mum says. ‘But you shouldn’t have spent all this on us. It’s too much,’
I cock my head to the side and give her a meaningful look. One that says it’s the least I could do. The side of her mouth curls into a tiny smile.
‘In 2013, I had a thing for microbreweries.’ I hand them some artisan beers, packaged in a neat little recycled box.
‘In 2014, I did an Italian cookery course and spent three months eating own-cooked meals, made from organic ingredients from the best wholefood shop in London.’ I hand them the heavy, wrapped cookery book. ‘It’s called The Essentials of Italian Cooking,’ I blurt, as my dad turns it over in his hands. ‘I had to find one that was already out in 2014 but I don’t think cooking has changed much since then.’
‘2015 was the year I tried to go plastic-free,’ I say, handing them two identically shaped cylinders wrapped in gold paper.
‘A water bottle!’ My mum smiles. ‘This will come in handy. Thanks, love.’
‘And 2016 was the year I’d started hot yoga.’ My dad’s face goes from content to deeply concerned in record time. ‘Don’t worry, I didn’t buy you a course of Bikram yoga. I made you a relaxation package.’
My dad opens the box, which has some bath salts, candles and a CD of relaxation music inside. He places a relieved hand on his chest. ‘That’s lovely that. Thanks, love.’
‘Last year, 2017, I did my Christmas shopping in Edinburgh with a few friends, so I figured I’d have picked you up something like this,’ I say, tossing them each a soft parcel.
‘Tartan scarves. Fabulous,’ my mum says.
I put my hand on my chest. ‘That brings me to this year. This year, I spent a while in Boston and Cape Cod, and the place stole my heart. So, this Christmas, I wanted to get you something that would reflect that.’
‘It’s not a wrapped up cod, is it, love?’ my dad says, shuffling nervously.
I hand them another envelope. ‘No, but, in hindsight, that might have been a bit cheaper.’
‘You open this one, Bill,’ my mum says with a slight tremor in her tone.
Tentatively, my dad tears his thumbnail along the crease. ‘Oh, my goodness,’ he gasps.
‘What is it, love?’ My mum is already out of her seat.
‘Return flights to Boston.’ There’s a tense pause as they absorb what the gift is. ‘We will come and visit you, but we can’t accept these, it’s too much.’
‘Well, I hope you do accept them, because they’re non-refundable,’ I say.
‘Oh, love, thank you. Thank you for doing all of this. You didn’t have to,’ my mum says jumping up to give me a hug. ‘I do feel like we know you a little better now though.’
‘I know, I can’t believe you did a cookery course.’ My dad chuckles. ‘Your mother only used to do a Sunday lunch because she was convinced it was the only proper meal you ate all week.’
‘Hey!’ I laugh. ‘I was pretty good, I’ll have you know. So, you’ll come to Boston?’
They look at each other and smile. ‘Of course we will.’
Chapter 42
The arrivals hall at Boston Logan International is swarming with people. It seems quite formidable second time around. Partly because I have so much more stuff, and partly because this time it’s not just a three-month work jolly. When I’ve collected Coco, I heave my trolley to the pick-up area of the arrivals lounge, where a driver is waiting to take me to my apartment. It seems surreal. As we make our way through the rush-hour traffic, snow starts to fall. A yellow school bus pulls up beside me, pinching me into consciousness as I watch the red-faced children bounce energetically in their seats. I’m really here.
We pull up outside the apartment, the same one I stayed in when I was here last, only this time I’ll have it all to myself. That is, until I’m on my feet, then I’ll need to find a place of my own. The driver helps me up the steps with all my luggage. When I close the door, everything seems still until the noise from the city seeps in. I start to hang my clothes in the wardrobe and put up a few photo frames. There’s not that much to unpack until the rest of my stuff arrives so I make a cup of tea. I’m desperate to see Ethan. I don’t know what kind of response I’ll get since so much time has passed, and he never replied to my letter. His silence speaks volumes, and part of me thinks I should respect that he’s probably moved on, but I have to know. I can’t head to Provincetown just yet because of work. The best I can do right now is settle in and focus on work. Coco wraps herself around my leg.
‘You’re not at all fazed by the move, are you?’ I scratch her just under her chin, and she purrs with delight. I’m glad to have her with me. Home doesn’t feel quite so far away.
I sit on the thick window ledge and glance out at the city. The months that have passed since I was last here have seen a wintery turn. Gone is the sunshine, glistening across the city. Instead, everything is white. The air is a frozen chill, though people are still wandering around, burrowed in their thick winter coats.
My phone buzzes.
Hope you’ve landed safely. Mum & Dad xx
I smile and tap out a quick reply, before I put my phone away and begin to unpack. I have the next day free to settle in before I officially start work, so there’s a little bit of time to make the place a bit more homely and enjoy the city.
The next day, I have a bit of cabin fever so decide to take a walk. The snow has melted but the cold still takes my breath away when I step outside. It’s what I need to wake up. I find myself ambling down to the harbour. The water is the colour of stone and the bustling crowds of summer are long gone. It’s strangely peaceful and it gives me chance to reminisce about summer a little. I can picture the queue for the ferry and climbing onboard carrying excitement and anticipation in my stomach. It makes me think of Harry and Barney. I can’t wait to see them, I’ve missed them so much. They never came over in winter as they ended up doing make-up at a theatre in Boston for a few months. We’ve sent emails and Skyped a few times, but they never mentioned Ethan and nor did I. I can’t be sure if he’ll give me the time of day when I do see him but I have to see him, I have to explain I was wrong and tell him that I love him. I shouldn’t have needed to go back to England to realise that, but I did and I’m sorry and now I just need to tell him the truth. I run my hand through some water droplets, which have gathered on a railing. Maybe I could squeeze in a trip to Provincetown at the weekend.
Chapter 43
The bus takes an age to arrive in Provincetown, but when I’m finally here, I’m staggered by how different the place is. The buzz I’d become addicted to is now damp and calm; the bright rainbow of colour is now covered with a blanket of snow. I stomp through the cold, white crunchy stuff to the start of the Macmillan Pier. The beach to the left is covered with patches of white snow, and the water beyond a steely grey. A brave dog walker pulls his or her furry hood tight around their face to shield them from the elements. It’s a little hard to believe that just a few months ago I was relaxing in a bikini at this very spot.
I’m desperate to surprise Harry and Barney. When they emailed to say they couldn’t come to London, I was a little disappointed. I figured if they didn’t come then, they’d probably never make it over and that would be that. As I head towards their house, my stomach starts to feel all twisty. They’v
e been as friendly as ever in their emails, so I don’t know why I can’t shake this feeling of unease. Perhaps if I’d have just told them I was coming rather than making it a surprise I’d feel better. My mind keeps wandering back to Ethan, with it being winter and all, I don’t even know where to find him. I never went to his house, and it’s not like there will be much call for kayaking at the moment so I have to see Harry and Barney first.
The door to Harry and Barney’s is framed by fluffy snow. There are a number of footprints up the steps and across the deck. I hope they don’t have company. Tentatively, I knock on the door. I can hear voices coming from inside, laughter and music. Then the door swings open.
Harry’s eyes goggle, and for a few seconds, he seems unable to speak. ‘Sam?’
‘Ta-dah!’ I cast my arms in the air pathetically.
‘What on earth are you doing here?’ He steps outside and pulls the door to behind himself.
‘It’s a longish story and I’m freezing. Can I come in?’ I try to peer behind him, through the crack in the door, but he blocks my view.
‘Sam, it’s great to see you, it really is and I’m so excited to catch up. It’s just not really a good time right now.’ He visibly winces as he speaks.
‘Oh, of course. Sorry, I’m here unannounced. I just wanted to surprise you and couldn’t wait to see you guys.’
‘I’m so pleased you’re here. Can we meet up tomorrow?’ he says. ‘It’s just … we have company, but it’s not really an “invite everyone” type of thing.’
I look down at my frozen, snow-covered boots to mask the disappointment I know I’m wearing.
‘Sorry, that didn’t come out right. It’s just—’
Suddenly, the door swings open. ‘Honey, it’s freezing! What are—’
Barney clasps his hands to his face. ‘Sam? What are you doing here?’
‘I just called to say hi, but I know you’re busy. I’m going to catch up with you tomorrow.’
‘Well, at least give me a hug,’ he says, stepping into the snow with only socks for protection. ‘It’s so good to see you,’ he whispers, and I fold into his familiar, cuddly warmth.
‘You too. I’ll see you tomorrow,’ I say, turning to leave. As I do, I happen to glance through the lounge window. Not on purpose, and not because I want to be nosy – it’s more of an instinctive reaction, involuntary even. Ethan. The quick glimpse I catch is enough to explain Harry and Barney’s caginess. Ethan is with that dark-haired woman, Kimberley or something. She has her hand resting on his chest, and his arm is draped around her waist. There’s a thud inside me as everything sinks. What did I expect?
I pull my coat tighter and carry on walking. I can feel my cheeks prickle with the heat of embarrassment despite the freezing temperature. Harry shouts that he’ll text me about tomorrow. As they shuffle back inside, I hear Barney say, ‘Poor thing. She looked like she’d seen a ghost.’
I feel like there’s a kettlebell in my stomach as I trudge through the silent snow towards the hotel.
A few moments later, there’s an energy behind me; slouchy footsteps and panting. Someone is jogging towards me.
‘Sam?’
My heart stops. I recognise that voice.
I turn around to see Ethan standing there.
‘Your nose is red,’ he says. Of all the imaginary greetings I’d conjured up in my head for the first time we saw one another, that wasn’t one of them.
‘So is yours,’ I reply, trying to be funny, but instead of laughing, his eyes search mine.
‘What are you doing here, Sam?’
‘Work.’
He nods. ‘Another three months?’
‘Actually, it’s a bit more permanent than that.’
He lifts his brow. ‘What?’
‘I took that job Patrick offered me,’ I say, kicking at the snow.
‘Wow, congratulations.’ He does that thing where he runs both hands through his hair, and it sends tingles through my stomach.
‘Thanks. I just came to surprise Harry and Barney, but I didn’t know they had guests. I never imagined it would be snowing in Cape Cod.’ I chuckle nervously, and Ethan takes my hand. All the things I wanted to say to him dart around my brain but I’m too late.
‘I’m sorry I never replied to your letter. I kept it though.’
‘Of course you did. It had a dolphin on.’ I wink, and he smiles.
‘Exactly. Listen, I didn’t reply because the only things I wanted to say I’d already said.’
‘I know. I just had to apologise for lying. I hated thinking that I’d hurt you.’
He shrugs. ‘I had a bruised ego for a few weeks, but in hindsight, you didn’t owe me anything.’
‘So, are you with someone now?’ I force cheer into my tone.
He nods. ‘Kinda. It’s nothing serious. You were right about Harry and Barney and their never-ending list of friends. I had to reign them in once I told them I wanted to try dating again.’ He laughs. The pain in my chest is unbearable and it takes every fibre of my being to hold back the tears which are about to surge from my eyes.
‘I told you. I bet they had no trouble finding you a date.’ I force a smile. Ethan has every right to be with someone. I had my chance and blew it. All I can do is pretend to be happy for him. ‘Maybe they’ll find me one now I’m in the state permanently.’
He pulls down the corners of his mouth and purses his lips. ‘So, you’re ready?’
‘I did a lot of thinking back in England. I faced things head-on, got a bit of closure and stuff.’ I notice Ethan is shaking beneath his thin wool jumper. The urge to take him in my arms and warm him up consumes me.
‘Good.’ He lets go of my hand and I let it fall to my side.
‘You’re freezing. Go back inside and enjoy your evening.’ I put my hand on his upper arm and rub his bicep. Damn, I’d forgotten how thick they were.
‘Look after yourself, Sam.’
He turns and heads back to Harry and Barney’s, leaving me standing alone in the silent blizzard.
Chapter 44
Bang. Bang. Bang.
‘I’m coming,’ I yell as I towel-dry my hair.
Through the peephole I can see Barney chewing the corner of his nail. I open the hotel room door. ‘Come in.’
‘Sam, I need to talk to you about last night,’ he says, plonking himself down on the bed.
‘What about last night?’
‘Harry and I loved you turning up out of the blue. We’re both thrilled to have you back, and the surprise was perfect.’
‘I know there’s a but,’ I say, folding my arms impatiently.
Barney exhales like he’s forcibly evicting all the oxygen particles in his lungs at once. ‘The thing is …’
‘What is the thing?’ Whilst I know this is going to be Ethan-related, I’m not sure exactly what I did or said to Ethan to cause Barney’s grave expression. Evidently, it was something quite terrible.
‘The thing is … Ethan …’
I want to shake Barney.
‘He’s been so happy these past few months—’
Ahh. ‘And you don’t want me coming along and spoiling everything?’
He ponders this. ‘No, honey, no. That’s not what I was trying to say. I just mean that seeing you may have stirred up some old feelings that he spent weeks trying to bury.’
‘Dress it up however you like, Barney, but the sentiment is, you think I’m going to ruin whatever it is he has with Kimberley.’
Barney opens his mouth to speak, and I hold up my hand to shush him. ‘Save it. That’s what you mean. But listen, Barney, I didn’t come back over here for Ethan. I came out here because I loved my job here and the life I’d started to build. I loved spending time with you and Harry, the place is beautiful, and yes, I enjoyed my friendship with Ethan, but that is just a small part of it.’
‘So you’re not upset about him and Kimberley?’
I feel like a harpooned orca. ‘I was a little surprised, but then that wom
an flirted with him at every opportunity. I’m more surprised it’s taken so long, actually.’
‘Ethan never noticed the flirting.’ Barney laughs. ‘It took me and Harry a whole evening to convince him that she liked him.’
‘He wasn’t really looking though.’
‘No,’ Barney replies quietly.
‘How long have they been together?’ I ask as naturally as I can.
Barney sucks the air in through his teeth. ‘About six weeks. It’s nothing serious.’
‘That’s what Ethan said. Maybe it will be, one day,’ I say.
‘It’s certainly heading that way.’ Barney looks up sharply, to gauge my reaction no doubt. ‘I mean, well, you know – they get along. Kimberley is super-keen.’
Who can blame her? ‘Barney, it’s fine. I’m happy for them.’
‘You are?’
What else can I be?
‘Yes. Ethan deserves happiness more than anyone I know.’
‘As much as you do.’ He looks at me pointedly.
‘My time will come.’
‘What made you change your mind? About coming here, and relationships and stuff?’
I slump down on the bed beside him. ‘I faced some of the issues I was trying to bury. I went back home, visited Kev’s grave, made amends with my parents and put my old house on the market. When I was in London, I realised how little it actually offered me. What used to feel like a big plaster—’ Barney furrows his brow ‘—Band-Aid,’ I explain, ‘felt like a downward spiral of hopelessness and loneliness when I went back there. Friends had moved on, and I felt so alone. I’d been so happy here, it’s so full of colour and life, that it took the trip home to highlight how dull and meaningless my life actually was.’
‘Well, when you put it like that …’ Barney forces out a small laugh, like a puff of air.
‘Sad, isn’t it?’
‘Listen. It can take people a lifetime to figure out what makes them happy. At least you’ve figured it out while your jowls are tight and you don’t have cataracts.’ He catches my puzzled expression. ‘I just mean you’re young enough to enjoy your life change.’
A Summer to Remember Page 24