by Paul Vayro
Chapter Two
Zarg lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was pondering the new life that lay ahead of him on Earth. He’d seen the planet on numerous films back home, but this would be the first time he’d visited one. It would also be the first time his race, the Jefferians, had attempted to take one over.
Zarg’s mother, Doreen, had always held the Earth in her affections. She had long been a fan of its 1950’s science fiction movies. She found the accuracy of their portrayal of aliens as three foot high green creatures with antennae, pot bellies, and horn like noses, unnerving. A school girl crush she held for one particular character had left her in no doubt as to the name of her first born: Zarg; however the decision had left her son facing a number of name related problems as life unfolded.
The teasing at school he expected. If it hadn’t been for his name it would have been something else. The real issue that plagued him, and some would say added an element of bitterness to his personality, was the fact the alphabet is so often used as a supposedly fair means of distribution. He’d spent half his life waiting for the Adam’s and Agatha’s of the world to choose what they wanted before he even got a look in, but things were different now; he was fourteen and practically a man. No more would people tell him what to do and when. It was time the universe realised he was more than a name and his rightful place was at the front of the queue! It was exactly this attitude that had got him sent to his room.
Bored of the ceiling, Zarg flicked through his notes on the history of the Earth. He’d read them numerous times. His mother’s passion for the planet had rubbed off. Not that he’d ever admit to having anything in common with someone who clearly hated him so much and wished to ruin his life. He read on, slightly annoyed but not entirely sure why.
The original Earth had been a humble planet in an up and coming area of the universe. Known only for its extensive swimming facilities, and glorious golf courses, it remained a grade two planet and thus exempt from universal law: grade two being any world that realises life must be out there but not yet in meaningful contact with it. This left the quiet planet exempt from the ongoing debate over language.
Aware that communication is the key to harmony, the great minds of the wider ethos had asked if having several languages per planet was such a good idea. How can any global society hope to flourish when one nation is unable to ask another to pass the salt? Taking the question to the highest courts in the universe the discussions continued, mainly over extortionately priced lunches that were entirely tax deductible, and a new law was eventually passed. It declared that any world that came under universal jurisdiction, that being grade three and above, would only be permitted one language.
The lawyers, whose responsibility it had been to implement the law, were exhausted once the job was done; and rewarded themselves with an all inclusive golfing holiday on Earth. Pitching and putting their way across Europe and into China, they were horrified as they stumbled across language after language, each mocking their efforts more than the last. Unsure how to even begin sorting such a mess, three languages had been the previous maximum encountered on one planet, the lawyers returned to their superiors with a tale to tell. After several high level lunches, and an emergency dinner, a sub section to the language law was passed: It declared the Earth off limits to any outside attempts at communication, even on its birthday. Were it ever to achieve grade three status, i.e. any planet in meaningful contact with at least one other, it would come under the universe’s jurisdiction and be forced to use only one language. The admin required for such a task would need a planet to house it, and the cost of lawyers overtime would bankrupt several galaxies. The story however did not end there.
News of the Earth’s abundance of languages soon spread across the universe, attracting interest from all quarters. Although everybody was ultimately driven by curiosity, the scientists, wishing to name a law or principle after themselves, claimed theirs to be more worthy and pushed to the front of the queue. Once there they measured, observed, and pondered every angle, searching for the infamy their great discovery would bring; however when it did come it wasn’t from the mind of the dedicated brains that yearned for it so desperately.
‘The Unexpected Law of Language Distribution’ was the brainwave of Samuel Unexpected, a maths teacher from a neighbouring galaxy. It states that the Earth not only contains every form of communication in the universe, but that it does so in their exact proportion. Furthermore, the relationship is dynamic and reflects the universe’s language distribution at all times e.g. should a French speaking planet conquer an Italian, a group of Italians on Earth will take up a French speaking class.
The man behind the theory, Samuel Unexpected, had never intended to create a law, much to the displeasure of the serious scientists who had dedicated their lives to the problem. Scientists, as a group, were growing increasingly tired of all the great discoveries being made by amateurs and had been wondering if violence wasn’t an intelligent solution after all. Samuel had had no desire to steal anyone’s thunder. The only reason he even mentioned the idea was to break the ice with a highly attractive physicist. He thought it would be a good joke and starting point for a general chat. Failing to see the humour, she took his comment seriously and went straight home to work on the relevant sums. He was as amazed as her when she turned up the next day to tell him his theory was correct. The attractive physicist fell instantly in love with Samuel’s brilliant mind and they married two days later. After three weeks he found her lack of humour to be something of an issue, fortunately she’d realised there was no brilliant mind after eight hours and had already left.
With the Earth confirmed as a dynamic, linguistic map of the universe, its popularity soared, replacing Eric Wazinski and his singing table on the front page of ‘Things to See as Soon as You Get Chance’. Within months it became the number one holiday destination, and crowds flocked to hover above its surface and observe the multi-lingual folk below. It didn't take long for the marketing men to realise such an oddity could buy them more hair products than they had follicles, and they descended with a smile and a four point presentation on buzz words and maximisation strategies.
Over time, as with all planets, the life that had flourished slowly dwindled, until the Earth evolved back in to a lifeless rock floating through space. With so much money left to be made from the Earth brand, it wasn’t long before one enterprising soul saw a way to keep the cash rolling in. Buying the rights to the Earth franchise, he offered to re-run the entire cycle of its life on any suitably sized rock a designated distance from a sun. The owner would gain an idyllic home, with an inbuilt revenue from tourism, and the universe regained one of its most iconic attractions, only now in infinitely more locations.
Zarg and his fellow Jefferians didn’t own a suitably sized rock a designated distance from a sun, but they knew of an Earth franchise that appeared ripe for taking over. Why pay an obscene amount of money for something that can be taken for free, with a little ingenuity? Zarg cackled to himself mischievously as he came to the end of his notes, rubbing his hands together for added effect before realising he was alone and there was no need to express his internal thoughts to the outside world. Powered by an oncoming huff, he decided to lie on his bed and sulk until the universe became a fairer place.
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