by Paul Vayro
Chapter Twenty Two
Zarg looked up from his position on the floor. He couldn’t work out why he was there and no longer in a tree observing a pair of continually morphing beings. As coherence drifted back, several other questions entered his thoughts: ‘Why does my head hurt? Who are these four people I’m surrounded by? Why have I been tied up? And where can I get myself a belt similar to the one restraining me?’ He verbalised his last thought, and dribbled as he awaited full control of his mouth to return.
“Nith beltth.”
Fut beamed at the compliment his belt received. “Taste truly is a universal flavour. A much appreciated comment my greenest friend. My name is Fut.” The hand Fut extended could not be shaken due to the restraint. A nod was shared instead.
“Why mi tied upth?” Zarg wriggled for the sake of wriggling. It seemed accepted protocol in such a situation.
“For you, sir, are our first prisoner, and all prisoners must be tied up.” Brick stepped forth with an overplayed explanation. Spiritwind stood by his side with a bag of pork scratchings he’d found in his shoe.
“Sinth when?”
“Since the beginning of Good and Evil. It’s one of the rules.” Brick continued.
“Which ruleth?” Zarg’s teenage rebellious nature flared up. The desire to argue coherently fixed his speech. He sat upright in an effort to gain some sense of authority. “Sorry, I meant to say, which rules?”
“The rules!”
“How is repeating the word supposed to increase my understanding?”
Brick looked at the rest of the team with a disbelieving huff. He attempted to explain. “The unspoken rules of life, that everyone deep down knows and understands but never needs mention or debate because they are clearly the rules.”
“So how do I learn the rules?” Zarg felt it was a perfect time to fold his arms. Unfortunately his intentions were hindered by the belt.
“You can’t simply be told the rules my good chap. It takes years of experience and immersion within a society to pick up the subtleties and unspoken laws that govern it.” Spiritwind toasted his friend’s declaration with a chink of two scratchings.
Zarg gave in with his eyes. It was clear Brick had nothing but frustration to offer. He looked to Spiritwind for help. All the bald hero had was an observation.
“Your English is very good. Do you have some form of translation gizmo?”
“I think you’ll find I’m not speaking English, I’m speaking Jefferian. A language almost identical to English except for one extra letter that is both silent and invisible.”
“That’s fortunate, us being able to communicate so easily.” Spiritwind made his point to the room, even though they were outside. Nobody reacted except Zarg.
“Fortune! You cannot rely on fortune in such circumstances. We planned to land in a location where Jefferian is the native tongue. Who are you people? I’ve been captured by fools that clearly have no understanding of the universe beyond their own noses.” Zarg closed his eyes in a dismissive manner.
Brick whispered to Spiritwind. “I think he’s talking about you.”
Spiritwind ignored the dig and focused on Zarg. “And we’ve clearly captured someone who is yet to learn manners. You barely know us and yet you sit and throw insults; shocking behaviour.”
“You’ve tied me up.” Zarg had a point, and an irate tone to express it in.
“Your turn.” Spiritwind retreated for dessert, allowing Brick to step back in. Fate and Fut watched on, growing more and more convinced their own doom was unfolding before them.
“Look. We’ve explained the tying up thing so you’re just going to have to stop complaining about it.” Brick decided to change tactics and pander to Zarg’s sense of superiority in order to extract information. “If we’re so ignorant why don’t you enlighten us on what we should know?”
“You wouldn’t believe me even if I could be bothered to tell you.” Zarg retaliated with his own nonchalance. The increased twitching of his feet betrayed his excitement, a fact Brick spotted.
“I would. I’d believe anything that sits within the realms of logic.”
“Then untie me and I’ll tell you.” The alien saw a chance to negotiate.
“You’ve over estimated our stupidity if you think we’ll untie you that easily.” Brick believed he’d made an intelligent point.
“What about untying one arm?”
“Half an arm.” Brick countered. Spiritwind leant over to point out it was impossible to untie half an arm. “Okay, one arm.”
“Two arms!” Zarg thought he may as well try.
“You appear to misunderstand the rules of bartering. We’ve both at some point conceded one arm will suffice therefore that’s the agreement made. You can’t agree then up the stakes again.” Brick waved for Spiritwind to untie one arm. Spiritwind stared back, unsure what the gesture was supposed to mean.
“Maybe our Jefferian bartering rules are different.” Zarg had nowhere to go but lies.
“Then the day I come to your planet and get captured we’ll barter by your rules, but for now you’re on our planet so our rules stand.” Brick made the gesture again.
“Are you okay? You seem to be suffering from some kind of muscle spasm.” Spiritwind paused from his bowl of trifle in order to respond.
“That’s the signal to untie one arm.” Brick tried to whisper and maintain an air of professionalism. He never had it to lose.
“It’s no good making up signals on the spot. We need to discuss these things first if you want a fluid operation.” Spiritwind began untying one arm. He repeated Brick’s signal back to him. “How does that possibly mean untie one arm? It looks more like you want me to dislocate his shoulder.”
“I agree. There are far easier ways to say such a thing.” Zarg agreed with Spiritwind.
“Prisoners aren’t allowed to discuss the merits of signals. It’s another rule.” Brick sulked as Spiritwind refastened the belt. He also used a subtle shake of the head to let Zarg know Brick was lying about the latest rule. “Just get on with telling us the language thing.” Brick had nowhere to go but irritation.
“Okay, but you’ll think I’m making it up.” Zarg rubbed his arm in the hope of gaining any passing sympathy. It wasn’t forthcoming.
“I guess we’ll see.” Brick prepared to ponder.
A moments posturing followed before Zarg began to speak. “The Earth contains every form of communication in the known, and, many hypothesize, the unknown universe.”
Brick let the words fall into his mind. “That sounds highly plausible.”
“The strangest part….” Zarg continued. “…is that the languages on Earth mirror the proportions exactly as they exist in the wider universe.” Zarg awaited the disbelief.
“That makes as much sense as any other explanation.”
“You’re just saying that.” Zarg had his best smug face prepared. He slipped it back in to his pocket.
“Why would I just say it? Vocal chords, in all their shapes and sizes, must only be capable of a finite number of sounds. And it isn’t that ridiculous to imagine them all being in one place.” Brick treated it as the most obvious fact he’d ever heard.
“What if I said I was lying and I had a translation gizmo all along?” Zarg grew annoyed.
“Then I’d have to believe you, although I’d be a little upset. I like the linguistic map idea.”
“Then I was lying. I’m using a gizmo hidden in my ear to translate everything.” Zarg’s stubbornness became a loyal companion to his annoyance.
“Not quite as romantic but infinitely more practical.”
“Romantic? What if I said I was lying about the gizmo and it is the language map explanation?” Zarg focused solely on annoying Brick, although he seemed to be the only one getting wound up.
“How about you decide what the truth is and let me know when you’re ready.” Brick offered a cheeky wink as Zarg wished he could walk away.
“So why exactly are you
here, Zarg?” Spiritwind moved in, playing the less frustrating cop in the questioning style the duo had fallen in to.
“To take over your planet and make it our new home.” Zarg took the smug face back out and used it fully. To try and take over somebody’s planet was bad enough, but to announce it to the natives in such a flippant manner was pure provocation, provocation that fulfilled the aliens wish to annoy Brick.
“Should I hit him?” The wave of Brick’s fist suggested the strike was prepared.
“Why?” Spiritwind sought logic.
“It’s in the rules, isn’t it?”
“You can hit me if it makes you feel better but be warned my skin is as tough as concrete.” Zarg rocked, doubly smug at inducing Brick’s rage.
Brick leaned forward in response and poked Zarg’s skin. It depressed in the manner a humans would. “Liar.”
“What happened to believing anything?” Zarg feared for his nose. It was big and easily breakable.
“I will do if it makes sense and the only reason not to believe it is just because. In this circumstance option C was available to me.” A glint flashed across Brick’s face.
“Option C?” Zarg didn’t like the look of the glint.
“To test the statement. You left yourself wide open to option C you see.”
“What’s a ‘C’ and why are you calling me one? Is this something to do with those rules again? Be mean to little green men.” Zarg opted for sympathy to avoid the punch.
“Who’s calling you a ‘C’? That would be a rubbish thing to call someone. I meant do you see?” Brick tried to mop up the confusion.
“I see fine, yes.”
“So you understand?” The conversation had split on to two separate paths.
“Because my vision is fine I understand? I don’t understand what my vision has to do with any of this. Are you going to poke my eyes out?” Zarg couldn’t understand less if he tried.
“Poke your eyes out? Look, it’s very simple. Can you see what you’ve done?” Brick grew increasingly lost.
“Not unless my actions have been recorded and will be played back to me. Have my actions been recorded and will they be played back to me? Will it be the last thing I see before you poke my eyes out?”
Brick turned to Fate and Fut who had long been embroiled in their own conversation. Seeing his request for assistance they shrugged their apology at being unable to directly help and continued with their chat. Spiritwind believed he may be able to add clarity.
“You’re being too literal. Zarg, saying ‘you see’ is a figure of speech.” Spiritwind interpreted the silence to mean he’d cracked it. Zarg covered his eyes before destroying Spiritwind’s efforts with one question.
“What’s a figure of speech?”
“What’s a figure of speech?” The duo couldn’t fathom such stupidity until they stopped and tried to explain it to themselves in their minds. Brick took the first stab at verbalising his thoughts.
“A figure of speech….” The thought process could be seen doing laps of his face. “….is in itself a figure of speech.” To Brick this made perfect sense; however the intention had been to explain it to Zarg who had just heard the phrase for the first time. Spiritwind went on to offer a few examples, none of which helped.
After several examples Zarg finally felt secure his eyes would remain in their sockets, but still couldn’t grasp what the two Earthlings were talking about.
“…..I can see that one stitch now saves nine in the future, but why say that when a crack appears in a car windscreen? Why not say ‘if we fix that crack now we won’t have to replace it in a few weeks when the whole thing breaks?” Zarg had moved deeper in to the discussion than had been intended.
“It’s a simple analogy of one situation being applied across a variety of others. It helps people understand rarer problems by comparing them to more common ones.” Spiritwind had persisted.
“So how often have you used a stitch in time to save nine? If it is such a common occurrence?” Zarg unleashed his sucker punch to a wall of blank expression. The answer was clear without words being used.
“Shall I hit him now?” Brick only had one option left. Fortunately for Zarg, Fate stepped in.
“Perhaps we should head back to base and pool our resources?”
“Base?” Brick remained argumentative.
“Yes?” Fate had nothing but confusion for Brick’s query.
“What base?”
“The construction site.” Fate seemed bemused.
“That isn’t a base it’s a hiding place. A base has maps and secret entrances and a table with little versions of us to move around.” Brick persisted.
“I’ll find you a map then.” Fate negotiated as he tried to get the group moving.
“And a pointing stick? A map is nothing without a stick to point at it with.”
“And a stick.” Fate helped Zarg to his feet as the group headed back to the hotly debated base. Brick waved his arm in preparation for the stick it would duly hold. Team A were in a generally buoyant if not slightly argumentative mood after recording their first success. Time would show if it was also the last.
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