by Paul Vayro
Chapter Thirty
“There’s still no stick. I don’t think you’re grasping how essential it is.” Brick stalled for time as Fate revealed the map they’d improvised. It consisted of a table with the outlying area drawn into the dust, and various stones and pebbles to represent the collection of heroes. A piece of brick had been found especially.
“Why don’t we focus on what is there rather than what isn’t?” Fate poked at reason.
“That’s what everyone says when they fail at a task. A simple twig would have at least shown effort.” Brick continued to use his time to think what Zarg’s plan could be. Spiritwind knew fully what his friend was up to and offered a knowing look of concern from beyond his ice pop.
“Would sorry help?” Fate twitched an apology. It sometimes worked on Karma, although more often it backfired and opened up further avenues showing how wrong he was.
“Does sorry ever help?”
“All the time.” Coincidence could see the conversation was going nowhere and helped his brother out. “He helped me move house last year, couldn’t have done it without him. Should we move on with the reveal of these theories? I for one am very excited to hear what’s going on.” Coincidence ushered the room towards Zarg.
Various bouts of mumbling broke out in expectation of what they would hear. Irony had nothing but derision for what she was about to be told, irrelevant of what it actually was.
“Have you had enough time to work it out?” Spiritwind nudged Brick as they wandered towards the improvised speaking area.
“More than enough; I feel bad stealing your limelight though. You worked it out first so I think the floor should belong to you.”
“I don’t mind you being the spokesperson. We are a team after all. And you’re better at speaking in front of crowds.” Spiritwind watched Brick squirm as Zarg refused to acknowledge the encircling group.
“If we’re going to be heroes there could be any number of press conferences and after dinner speeches. I think you should take this opportunity to practice.” Brick looked nervously around as the concepts settled in to observation positions. A semi circle formed around the heroes. Zarg fell naturally halfway around the arc.
“I see. So you’re doing this to help me?” Spiritwind’s rye smile let Brick know he knew his friend had nothing but would accept his excuse and cover for him.
“What other reason could I have?” Brick stepped forward to introduce his friend. “If I could have your attention, I will now hand you over to my esteemed partner in heroics; Mr Spiritwind Capernicus Jones, who will reveal to you why we are all here today in this frozen land under the tyranny of small, pot bellied aliens intent on evil doings….”
Zarg turned in disbelief. They couldn’t have worked it out. Predicting this would happen out of petulance was one thing, watching it unfold was infuriating. All he could do was curse his race for ignoring a ‘child’.
Brick continued. “….a race which will be thwarted as the light of Good strolls forth to brighten the darkest of souls…”
“Could I start?” Spiritwind tapped Brick on the shoulder. Brick realised he was getting carried away and stepped back, leaving the central space to Spiritwind and Zarg. Zarg’s annoyance at being ignored by his people spilled in to a restrained grimace and a clenched hand. “May I firstly thank They for the information he supplied.” Spiritwind offered everyone the chance to applaud They. It wasn’t taken. Realising the concepts were only interested in the information, Spiritwind put presentation to one side and continued.
“I propose that Zarg’s planetary brothers….”
“…And sisters!” Irony ensured parity. Karma backed up the request with a nod.
“….and sisters, have placed the perception of time from their home planet over ours, rendering the rest of my fellow beings frozen and leaving the aliens free to carry out their mission.”
“What is their mission?” Brick butted in with the feverish excitement of a child on Christmas Eve.
“Their mission being to steal all the tea and coffee in the world.” Spiritwind hinted at the entire world with a gentle spin and raise of his right arm. Brick gasped before realising everyone was watching him.
“Which I of course, had already worked out.” Brick continued to fool nobody. “Why would they do such a thing? Something, which again, I obviously already know.” Brick’s face increased its expression of eager anticipation.
“I’m glad you asked.” Spiritwind picked up the baton of amateur theatre seamlessly. Zarg twitched both legs as his irritation grew. “These intruders plan to use their bounty as a bargaining tool for the rights to our very home. Upon awakening our fellow man…”
“….And woman.” Irony was consistent if nothing else.
“And woman, they will be offered a simple choice. Use your new found grade three status, achieved by the aliens simply contacting us, to apply to the Earth franchise company for ownership of your own planet and then hand it over to us.”
“Or what?” Had Brick not been standing he would have fell off his seat in anticipation.
“Live forever without tea and coffee!” Spiritwind delivered the punch-line; to Zarg’s disgust and Brick’s agony.
“NooooOOOooooooo!” Brick clasped his face and fell to his knees before remembering his beverage preference. “Actually I hate the stuff. You’re welcome to it.”
The concepts looked at each other for approval of the idea. Nobody could be sure if it was even remotely correct. Coincidence decided to ask. “Do you really think tea and coffee is that important?”
Spiritwind started to enjoy the role of speaker. “Why of course. It is the very glue that holds our society together, the key to the social bond that generates our strength as one united species, the fuel that pushes us forward. What better excuse for visiting a friend than to share in the pleasure of such a beverage? Simply inviting yourself round to sit would be frowned upon, but to hide behind the cloak of sharing a stewed leaf opens our hearts to each other. How do people break the monotony of a days skiving in the workplace? Tea breaks: a period of time without working solely to enjoy a beverage, madness, but imagine a world without it.” Spiritwind clenched his fists and closed his eyes, willing everyone to imagine. After a few moments he continued, still filled with the acting prowess of a first year drama student.
“People would be unable to even consider work until after noon without the jump start of caffeine, leading economies to collapse under the weight of tired minds. Society would grind to a halt as friendships were no longer kindled, relationships no longer formed; we would fall in to old age lonely and bitter with nothing to do without constantly brewing up. We would turn on each other, unable to gel together, we would tear ourselves apart. Without tea and coffee it will all crumble. We must not let it happen.” Spiritwind knelt down and pointed his closed eyes to the sky before letting his body hunch over itself. The concepts were taken aback by the passion shown.
“A yes would have done, but good speech.” Coincidence congratulated Spiritwind on his efforts. Taking no time to accept the plaudits, Spiritwind jumped up, instantly back to his normal demeanour, and turned to Zarg.
“Am I right?” Zarg’s entire body twitched. If only the Jefferian’s could see him now. They wouldn’t mock his cynicism. He folded his lips in an attempt to hold the fury in.
Sensing the alien's will, Spiritwind returned to his intimidation technique. “If you don’t answer me, I’ll take this glove, turn it inside out, and force it on to your head.” Everyone took a moment to consider such a curious threat. Even Zarg forgot his rage as confusion washed across him. Spiritwind realised further explanation may be needed. “I’ll trap your mind in a field of Earth time.”
Confusion and fury combined to leave Zarg blind to two facts: the time field couldn’t pierce skin, and he’d been trained to exist in Earth time quite comfortably. His teenage mind had only one, emotion fuelled response of defiance.
“My head wouldn’t fit in that.”
>
Spiritwind leaned in with an air of wilful threat. “I’ll make it.”
“That’s about it.” Zarg disappointed himself. He believed he’d withstand any torture and yet he’d folded at the first logically flawed threat to come his way. He blamed his parents for not listening.
The concepts nodded amongst themselves, although Irony did so with a sarcastic grimace. Fate began to wonder how much better Rick and Biritvind would have faired. Perhaps he got the right address after all.
“Where did you learn to be intimidating?” Brick pulled Spiritwind to one side.
“At small man club. When you can’t rely on size to do your threatening you have to use attitude.”
“Small man club?”
“It’s a club for small men, or should I say those that are perceived to be small. I told them when I was accepted that I’m actually average height. It’s just the misperception of the average height that sees me labelled small.” Spiritwind spoke proudly with a swizzlestick poking from his mouth. “Turns out everyone in there’s ‘average height’. I came across a bit patronising if I’m honest.”
“What’s next guys?” Fate popped up behind Brick and Spiritwind.
“There’s always something next isn’t there. Never happy with what is.” Brick turned Fate’s map comments back upon him. Fate felt apologetic for no good reason.
“I just thought things were going so well we should try and keep up the momentum.”
“Good idea.” Brick looked towards Spiritwind.
“It’s definitely your turn to do the next bit.” Spiritwind removed any obligation before it could be passed on to him.
“Then I accept. I do believe an idea is forming already.” The glint in Brick’s eye suggested complete lunacy, genius, or a man with a trapped eyelash refusing to blink. It was anyone’s guess which category he fell in to.
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