by Paul Vayro
Chapter Thirty Eight
Coincidence sat between They and Spiritwind on the sofa. Nobody mentioned the protocol for gaining the maximum comfort from a settee. Brick had reclaimed his chair, Zarg lay on the floor, fully foetal, by the side of the three piece suite. Everybody tried to ignore the twenty foot spider struggling to fit on the armchair in the far corner of the room. They didn’t wish to cause any unnecessary upset.
“This is why we ‘ave webs.” Gordon’s body floated indecisively above the cushion. Spiritwind couldn’t ignore the issue any longer and met it head on.
“Sit in stages rather than trying to do it all at once. Lower your back legs first.”
Gordon turned seven of his eyes towards the bald hero, the eighth remained semi closed and weepy. He awaited a signal to assure him it wasn’t a practical joke he was about to become the punch line to. Spiritwind assured the beast with a nod and motioning of his hands.
Gordon proceeded to lower his back legs, quickly coming within touching distance of the non flammable flower motif. With such unnatural angles and demands placed on the spider’s muscles, his legs shook uncontrollably. There was only one possible outcome.
Gordon collapsed at an angle that can only be deemed unfortunate. His back lay perpendicular to the upright of the chair, his eyes inches from the ceiling. “This ‘ain’t comfy at all.”
“Give it a chance. You’re not finished yet. Do the same with your front legs.” Spiritwind continued to guide the beast.
The front legs relaxed, allowing the cacklejack to view the room once more. “That’s not bad actually. I cud get used to this.”
“You’re going to have to get used to sharing a room too.” Brick spoke with a leg protruding through his hair. The spider’s limbs took up most of the room, curling up the walls and generally making themselves a mischief. The sight of one passing had been too much for Zarg, he’d fled to the hallway.
“What do you suggest I do wiv ‘em?” A hint of aggression crept in to Gordon’s question.
“Why don’t you curl up? I’ve seen you guys do it when you get flushed down the plughole.” The mention of the word plughole caused a subconscious twitch to retract the cacklejack’s legs instantly. The girly shriek was Gordon’s personal touch. “That’s it.” Gordon fit nicely on to the chair, his body surrounded by the cage like structure of his limbs. The gentle shivering did nothing for his declining reputation for being fearsome. It was enough to allow Zarg back in the room to resume his cowering position.
“So why is Gordon here again? Not that it’s a problem.” Brick questioned his friend, trying not to insult the beast in the process.
“He’s crucial to the plan.”
“Plan? You seem to be implying we have one.” It was news to Brick.
“Of course we have one. This is a professional operation.” Spiritwind tried not to look around the room. The sight was anything but professional. “Do you want to hear it?”
“It may help.” Brick applied expert levels of sarcasm to his answer.
“We’re going to get Gordon to scare everybody off the ship so we can continue with our original plan.” Spiritwind allowed a grin to cover his face, until Zarg emerged from the floor shaking his head in an apologetic and humble manner. “I’m sensing a problem.”
“My people would never come outside with a cacklejack on the loose.”
“Oh.”
“What if we get him on board? Then he can scare them all out?” Brick picked up the thread. Zarg continued to shake his head slowly. “Why not?”
“You’ll never get in. It’s a very secure ship.”
“Are there no secret entrances?” Brick persisted.
“Of course.”
“Then we’ll use one of them.” Brick beamed. Zarg’s head movements once more signalled a dead end. “I get the feeling you’re not going to like any of our ideas.”
“How will you find these secret entrances?” Zarg stopped shaking his head to speak.
“You can show us.”
“How will I find them?” Zarg almost managed to ignore the twenty foot ball of terror in the corner.
“You mean you don’t know where they are?” Brick considered becoming flabbergasted.
“They wouldn’t be secret entrances if people knew where they were. They’d just be doors.” The alien had a valid point.
The room settled down to think on the problem. Gordon wondered how he had found himself in such a situation. As he gazed at the various pictures on the walls he felt an itch in one of his legs. After working out exactly which leg itched, he tried to convince the one next to it to give it a scratch; a more difficult procedure than the subconscious is given credit for. After moving the wrong leg twice, then the right leg in the wrong direction three times, he gave up and tried to scrape it on the carpet, only to find the itch had moved to beneath his eye. He started the process from the beginning, only to be interrupted by Brick revealing his latest idea. It was more a scene suggestion than a solution.
“Why don’t we cover the ship with mist then let Gordon creep on to the glass dome and start tapping. When somebody’s intrigue grows too strong, and their face reaches up to within an inch of the window, he could leap out from the fog and imbue terror throughout the craft.” Brick acted out the level of surprise it would cause.
“Not sure that will achieve quite what we’re after.” Spiritwind saw its flaw.
“Plus there’s nobody in the dome. It isn’t even a room. It’s only there to make it look more spaceshippy.” Zarg poured the cold water of fact all over Brick, again.
“You couldn’t let me have just one could you?” Brick sulked.
“I could but then your plan would fail.” Zarg defended his correction.
“Sometimes a cool moment is worth failure.” Brick folded his arms to accentuate the sulk.
“What if Zarg knocks on the front door, then when they answer Gordon can sprint in?” Spiritwind had been thinking of his own plan.
“Then I’d get the blame and be hated by my people. I’m hardly Mr Popular as it is.” Zarg refused.
“What if Gordon pretends to take you hostage and threatens to do you in if he isn’t allowed on board?” The cacklejack twitched giddily at Spiritwind’s suggestion. Had the vase in the corner not been frozen in time it would have been launched across the room.
“We Jefferian’s are not a race to put many at risk for the sake of one. They’d just close the curtains and continue waiting for Gordon to become trapped in his own web.”
“You have curtains?” Brick had been stirred from his sulk.
“Yes. Why? What do you have?”
“Curtains. I just thought you’d have something a little more futuristic.”
“Curtains do the job. I suppose you could have Venutian blinds, but I find I always pull the wrong string. Then the strings get tangled and I can’t remember which one I’ve already tried. It’s a nightmare not worth entering.” Zarg looked genuinely disappointed.
“You mean Venetian blinds.” Brick tried to correct the alien.
“I know what I mean.” It wasn’t successful.
“I’ve got it.” Spiritwind held his hand aloft. Everyone ignored the hot dog it held. “Why doesn’t Gordon make himself look like an alien and simply knock on?” Predictably Zarg shook his head, but with far less conviction than before.
“Because they’ll check who he is, if he should be on board, and if so is he already on the ship. If they’re not satisfied by any of the answers he won’t get on.”
“You’re meant to be on board but aren’t. Why doesn’t he make himself look like you?” Spiritwind believed he’d cracked it. Even Zarg didn’t disagree. He merely grimaced and offered doubt.
“He could never be that exact.”
“There’s only one way to find out. Do you think you could make yourself look exactly like Zarg, Gordon?” Gordon flinched. His leg was just approaching his eye to tackle the itch from earlier.
“Wot? Yeh. Why not.�
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“But how do I explain my identity being stolen by a cacklejack?” Zarg panicked as Gordon stretched his legs.
“Don’t. Deny all knowledge and let somebody else work out what must have happened. Then agree with whatever sounds most feasible.” Brick imparted his own special slacker wisdom.
“That might just work.”
“No might about it. Come on then, in the middle of the room.” Brick ushered Zarg to the centre of the lounge. He required much coaxing. After the previous debacle Gordon didn’t even try to offer any conscious thought to the process of standing. Leaving the task entirely to his subconscious, he rose without incident.
“Let’s get a good look at ya.” Gordon positioned his body above Zarg before swooping effortlessly to foot level. He circled the alien, inspecting every inch, scanning every detail on the way up to his antennae. Zarg flinched and winced in response. He closed his eyes and hid in the happiest corner his mind possessed.
Brick watched on, amazed the spider’s legs didn’t entangle themselves. He felt sure some form of voodoo must be at work. Upon reaching the top of the little alien’s head, Gordon lurched backwards, mumbling under his breath. Staring at the ceiling quizzically, a sense of relief washed across him as he fell towards the floor. Rather than the expected heap of spider landing awkwardly, an exact replica of Zarg appeared.
“Now that’s impressive.” Brick applauded.
“That looks nothing like me.” Zarg opened his eyes and protested. Folding his arms he stared at himself in dismissive wonder. Himself blinked back and smiled.
“That’s perfect.” Spiritwind stood up to get a better look.
“I think I know best what I look like.” Zarg maintained his stance.
“You don’t actually.” They broke his silence. “Not many people do know what they truly look like. We spend so much time seeing ourselves in the mirror we forget it is a reverse image of how we actually look. That’s why people don’t like seeing themselves in pictures. It isn’t the image of ourselves we’re comfortable seeing.”
“How does your body fit in to that small space?” Brick remained mesmerised by Gordon.
“It don’t.” Something brushed Brick’s ear. There was nothing to be seen. “That was me leg.”
“Amazing.”
“You know what else is amazing?” Spiritwind spoke rhetorically. “The fact we’re about to go and save the world.” Spiritwind’s rallying cry did nothing to raise the energy levels, but it did get everyone moving.
As one they headed to the front door, the end of the adventure beckoning. Zarg couldn’t take his eyes off his doppelganger, and bearing in mind the feeding habits of the beast inside it was probably a wise idea.
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