by Paul Vayro
Chapter Forty One
Brick and Spiritwind sat at the lavish control panel, the health and safety manual between them. The concepts, and Zarg, watched on as they waited to see the great plan unfold. Spiritwind had kept it secret to up the drama. With an open book and an intercom it was fairly obvious what they intended, but for the sake of camaraderie nobody spoilt their big moment. Brick’s finger hovered above the button that activated the microphones. The duo prepared to begin.
“What are their names?” Spiritwind turned to Zarg to tidy up the admin side of things.
“Steve, Harvey and Gus.” Zarg felt confident he’d remembered the trio correctly.
“Steve, Harvey and Gus. Okay.”
“Ready?” Brick awaited the reciprocal nod from Spiritwind. It duly came. Brick pushed the button, only for a box of tissues to appear from a Buddha’s head. “Sorry. Wrong one. I’ll try again.” The room released the breath it had been holding in the form of a disappointed sigh. The clumsy saviour’s second attempt saw the light beneath the microphones flitter on. Brick gave Spiritwind the signal to begin, the signal being a point and emphatic nod.
“Good darnum men.” The three shot upright. The voice sounded official. “My name is Joseph and I am safety officer 326. I’m joined by my able assistant Graham, safety officer 4444.”
“Hello.” Brick waved, more through excess excitement than practicality.
“We are here for a rigorous appraisal of the health and safety procedures you should be following.” A general groan deflated the anchor room. “We shall begin with safety procedure 184, sub section 12. Have…..”
“Erm….hello.” One of the aliens raised his hand. Unbeknown to Team A, it was Steve. “Could you quickly remind us of procedure 184, sub section 12?” Steve hoped it was something to do with cakes and tasting.
“You should know this.” Spiritwind used the stern voice he’d heard directed towards him in countless jobs.
“Sorry. Is it the one about cakes?” Steve tried his luck.
“You don’t know procedure 184, sub section 12? Not knowing a procedure when asked is instant violation of rule 1862, sub section 98. I suppose we can let you have a quick peek at the manual.” Spiritwind covered the microphone to allow a sneaky giggle.
Steve looked around the room. The other two aliens returned the glance with an added shrug and fearful expression. Steve tried to explain. “We don’t have it to hand at the moment.” He spoke slowly in the hope it would help.
“Don’t have……not near…..flabbergasted I am. Direct violation of rule 1. I’m writing all this in my report you know.” Brick motioned to let him have a go. Spiritwind opened a pack of cookies and gave his friend the floor.
“Good darnum guys. This is safety officer 4444. I’m afraid Joseph has had to take a break to try and calm down. Such flagrant abuse of the sacred manual has him a seething mess out here. For your information, procedure 184, sub section 12 states that all regulations must be read thoroughly once a darnum. Have you read the manual this darnum? Before you answer you may wish to know you’ve been recorded the whole time you’ve been in there. Verifying your story will take but a matter of moments.”
A quick negotiation without speech unfurled in the anchor room. Steve shrugged towards the other two. They shook their heads back. All shoulders dropped as Gus wondered if he should stop his morning dance routine in light of knowing people were watching. Various words were mouthed before the body language suggested they knew there was no way out of it. Steve continued as spokesperson. “No.”
“Tut, tut, tut. I’m afraid if you haven’t read the manual, and you can’t find your copy, we’ll just have to read it out over the intercom. We’ll get back to you in a moment. Make yourselves comfortable. We may be here a while.” Brick turned to Zarg as Steve, Harvey and Gus fell back in their seats. “We won’t have to read out the whole thing, will we?”
“I wouldn’t expect so.”
“I was hoping for more of a definite no.”
“I can only commit to expecting not.” Zarg made it clear he wouldn’t budge. Brick turned back to the panel. They and Coincidence nodded to each other, highly impressed with Brick and Spiritwind’s work, and the comfort of the stools.
“Nice voice by the way.” Brick turned to Spiritwind.
“Why thank you. It’s loosely based on the supervisor we had in that furniture stockroom.”
“I thought I recognised the twitch. He was overly serious. Who tells people off for sitting down in a room full of chairs and sofas?” The pair shook their heads in remembered disbelief. “I’ve based Graham on that lollipop man that used to refuse to stop the traffic for us outside the deckchair factory.”
“I see it now. I couldn’t place the voice without the sound of buses flying past.” Both sat in nostalgic wonder. Had Coincidence not coughed in a tone that suggested they get on with it, the pair could have sat there indefinitely.
“Do you want to take the first shift reading?” Brick opened the negotiations. He hoped the mission would be complete before a second shift was needed. The novelty of reading in to a stork had worn off.
“I was thinking we could read a rule each?” Spiritwind saw straight through Brick’s ploy. He countered with an irritatingly apt compromise.
“Deal.” Brick could find no basis to disagree.
“Before you start you should take your gloves off.” Zarg interjected. “If this works you don’t want your hands frozen in our time.” Everyone was astonished at Zarg’s helpfulness.
“Cheers. And what do you mean, ‘if.” Brick couldn’t help but end the sentence in conflict. He didn’t give the alien the chance to reply. “Shall I begin?”
“Certainly.” Spiritwind offered his friend the floor. Brick took it, pushing the Buddha’s bongo once more.
“Good darnum again anchor room. This is still Graham. Myself, and Joseph shall be alternating to read out the rules. It is such a long and arduous task that our voices simply couldn’t take it alone.” Brick cranked up the boredom factor. “Therefore do not panic if the voice you hear continually changes. This is not a rule, just a friendly piece of health and safety advice. This however is a rule: rule 1: Always store the health and safety manual within easy reaching distance of yourself, and your colleagues. Never place on a shelf that is too high, a floor that is too low, or a table you can’t be bothered walking over to. Let’s try and remember that one this time, eh chaps.” Brick passed control to Spiritwind.
“This is Joseph again men. Just so you know. I won’t introduce myself each time. Rule 2: Never push a button that isn’t labelled with the consequences of such action, unless fully qualified to do so. No excuse will be accepted for such reckless behaviour. No matter how big, red or cool the button may be.”
“Rule 3: Never poke the statues expecting them to move. The majority are solid gold, and the only thing that will move will be your finger in directions it wasn’t built to. I can vouch for that rule personally.” Brick shook his finger. Still no sympathy was forthcoming. “If your intention is to move the statue in order to open a secret passage, then ask somebody who knows exactly which statue to move before attempting such, but understand that the person who knows will have been sworn to secrecy and will refuse to tell you, if not outright deny to even possess the required knowledge.”
“Rule 3, sub section 1: If you are informed of the whereabouts of any secret passages, or methods of opening one, keep it to yourself. Telling too many people of its existence will merely lead to it losing its secret status, and in turn you will lose the right to feel smug about knowing a secret.” Brick and Spiritwind shared a nod of solidarity. Steve, Harvey and Gus secured blank expressions to their faces and sank further into the sofas and their own minds. It was a promising start.
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