by Sam Crescent
She took a deep breath, and released it, then another one.
She hoped one day the pain, the anger, the hurt, would all fade away because there were moments she felt like it was going to consume her and there wouldn’t be anything left.
****
Days were long.
They sucked the life out of her, and made her wish for death. Robin tried. She really did, and she put on a brave face. Listening to all of her teachers, taking on all the assignments, catching up with all the work. When it came to college applications, she’d stopped.
Right now, she didn’t want to even think of college, or the future. All she could focus on was one day at a time. It was all she could do. One day at a time.
No one pressured her.
Her father didn’t ask her to come home. No one asked anything from her. She went through the motions, and all the time in the back of her mind, she knew something wasn’t right.
Of course something wasn’t right.
She’d lost a child.
Bishop was attentive, even more so now than when she was pregnant. She wasn’t a fool; she knew why. He was really happy about her not being pregnant, and rather than keep it to himself, he showed it in this way.
Preacher kept his distance, and she hated that more than anything else. He was the only one to understand what she was going through.
Randall tried to talk to her, but she didn’t want to sit and chat with him. It was too impersonal.
Going home was out of the question, and she had also stopped going to the library. The only places she went now were the school, home, and the clubhouse. Being at the clubhouse was hard, but she made herself go.
Milly would never be there again.
Some of the women stayed away from her. In fact, all of them stayed away from her. She didn’t mind the quiet, and she knew half of them were sleeping with Bishop anyway. They all expected her to take him away from them, but she had no plans to sleep with Bishop, even if he wanted to.
As she sat at one of the tables outside, the scent of the fire they already had burning hung heavy in the air. There was still a chill, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. She wore a large sweater, and it was way too big for her, and it didn’t remind her of how pregnant she once was. It was nice not to have a constant reminder.
She stared down at her English book, but the words didn’t mean anything.
Men and women were gathered all around her, laughing, joking, having a good time, and she should be happy for them, but she felt sick.
“Hey, beautiful,” Bishop said.
He kissed her neck, and she closed her eyes, counting to ten. She found his little actions of concern annoyed her. Deep down, he was happy that she was no longer pregnant, and she couldn’t allow herself to let go in front of him. How could he be happy about something like this? It made no sense to her.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing.” She knew this anger was her own fault. She had to deal with it by herself, but each time she tried to get any peace, he was there, always wanting more.
“Are you sure? You can talk about it, you know. I’m always here.”
“Drop it, Bishop. Please.”
“I know you’ve been through a lot and I get that you’re hurting right now, but if there’s anything you need…”
She slammed her hands down on the bench. “Do you know what I really need?” she asked. “I need you to leave me alone and to stop telling me that you’re here for me. I know you’re not really here for me because you’re happy this has happened. You never wanted me to be pregnant in the first place. I get it, Bishop. I’m not pregnant and you can have anything you want, but you can have all the women here. I don’t care. Sleep with them. Do what you want, but stop pestering me. It’s not going to happen.”
Without picking up her books, she stormed away.
The silence all around her was deafening. She couldn’t believe what she’d just done or said, but what more did he expect from her?
Rushing toward Preacher’s office, she closed the door and moved toward his closet. He only kept files in there, but long ago, when she was little, he’d once told her if she ever felt afraid or needed to be alone, she could go here.
What was wrong with her? It wasn’t like Bishop deserved her anger.
He’d done nothing wrong.
He’d not pushed them off the road, or caused her to be thrown from the window. It wasn’t his fault.
“Great, now I feel guilty.” She dropped her head in her hands and hoped the silence would come to her soon.
****
“I should go and talk to her,” Bear said.
“No.” Preacher put a hand on his chest. “Don’t.”
He walked to his boy. Bishop stared at where Robin had disappeared.
“Are you okay, son?” he asked.
“No. Yeah. I don’t know. I … I’m not trying to push, Dad.”
“I know.”
“It’s hard. I want to be happy, but I know she’s hurting and I don’t know how to help.”
“We can only take our time.”
“How can I expect her to want me when she’s right? I did want her to lose the baby. I’m a horrible bastard.” Bishop sat down on the bench. “I’ve spent so much time caring about myself that I didn’t think about what it was she wanted.”
“It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not fine because she’s all alone, and I can’t stand her to be alone. Not ever.” Bishop’s shoulders slumped.
“I’ll go and talk to her,” Preacher said.
No one made a move to stop him.
He went to check out Bishop’s room, his own, then the spare room she’d used a couple of times. When neither of those locations helped, he went to the only other place he could think of her going.
Closing the door behind him, he saw the closet door open and her feet peeking out.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at him,” she said.
“I’m not here for any apology.”
He sat down on the floor in front of her, leaning his back up against the desk.
“What are you here for?”
“To make sure you’re okay.”
“Shouldn’t you be with Bishop?”
“One thing I’ve learned about that boy, he can take care of himself.”
“And I can’t.”
“I didn’t say that. You and Bishop need different things. Right now, you’re hurting.”
“I hurt his feelings.”
“Again, he’s a guy.”
“I don’t want this to get all sexist,” she said.
“He hasn’t lost a baby and clearly is finding this hard.”
“So it’s all my fault?”
“Are you trying to be a bitch, or is this all part of your master plan to annoy everyone?”
“I don’t mean to annoy. I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m being a bitch, and I don’t mean to. I’m … I don’t know what I am.”
Tears fell down her cheeks.
He hated to see her cry.
“You’re hurting, Robin. You can’t take this pain out on anyone else.”
“You’re right.” She sniffled. “It’s just, everyone is happy. I get they’re happy. You know, you’re alive, and everything is going back to normal. Bishop doesn’t have to deal with me having another man’s baby, but even though things have gone back to normal, it’s not the same.”
“Nothing will ever be the same. I can’t tell you this will ever get better or her loss will ever mean anything. I honestly don’t know, Robin.”
“Do you ever think about her? About what she’d be like?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“I … I thought about naming her Bethany. I wanted to ask you about names, but you were always so busy.”
“I’m never too busy for you. You can come to me about anything ,and I do think about her. I wish I’d gotten the chance to hold her.”
“It wasn’t supposed to be.”
“It wasn’t, but you don’t need to feel guilty about this. About all of this.”
“I heard those men. They mentioned O’Klaren.”
He nodded.
“What are you going to do?”
“For that, you don’t need to worry. Do you want a hug?”
“Yes. I really do.” She crawled between his spread thighs, and he held her close, running his fingers through her hair, trying to calm her down. “I like this with you,” she said. “It’s nice.”
“You’ve got to give Bishop a break.”
“You think I should sleep with him.”
“If that’s what you want to do.”
“No, I know it’s what he wants.” She tilted her head back. “I’m not ready. I don’t see him as my boyfriend.”
“He’s not your boyfriend, Robin. He’s your husband.”
“He doesn’t feel like that either. There are times he doesn’t even feel like a friend.” She dropped her head to his chest, and he held her.
“You need to give him a break. It doesn’t mean giving into his demands or his wants. But you’ve got to take it easy. I know it’s hard, trust me, I do.”
“Will the pain ever go away?”
“One day it will. I promise.” He kissed the top of her head, and hoped he’d said the right words.
Watching Robin breaking apart was shattering his soul.
****
“I need some insurance,” O’Klaren said.
Reaper sighed as he looked at the cop who’d entered his clubhouse, well, it was more of a dive, but it had suited him and the club for some time. The old warehouse had once belonged to a drug cartel until Reaper stormed it, taking the drugs, money, and warehouse. It had become his base for many years now, but the Slaves of the Beast never stayed in one place too long. The only reason he’d stayed close to Knight’s Bridge was for one reason, to take on Preacher and his club. He wanted to destroy the bastard for no other reason than it would be fun to watch him burn. It was how he got his kicks, and he intended to enjoy it every single step of the way.
“You think you can come into my place and make demands? I told you not to make any moves against Preacher.” He’d had a plan of his own, and it had been … a wonderful one.
He’d intended to take the Robin and the baby, and raise the child as his own while giving Preacher regular updates of Robin’s used-up pussy. Now that she’d lost the baby, his plan wasn’t going to work.
“You don’t get to tell me what to do. You seem to forget your place in all of this.”
He stood up, the chair sliding back and slamming against the wall. “And I guess you’re about to tell me exactly what my place is, huh? You think you’re better than me because you wear a badge.” He walked up to O’Klaren, and for the first time since Reaper had met the man, he looked afraid.
Good.
He could work with fear. In fact, he loved seeing fear. It turned him on.
“You seem to forget, I can throw your ass in jail.”
“Oh, please, you’d like to try, but we both know what I’ve got on you. Social media nowadays is a wonderful thing. With a single click of a button, everyone can see your face and exactly what you’re like. I wonder what the good old people of Knight’s Bridge, or even your employers would think if they found out you like to beat women bloody.” This man was a coward of the highest order, and Reaper had no room in his world for cowards.
He grabbed O’Klaren’s jacket, and brought his head down hard on his forehead.
The crunch of a broken nose was unmistakable.
He smiled as O’Klaren screamed.
Letting him go, Reaper drew his foot back and kicked him hard. When he wasn’t satisfied, he kicked him again and again.
He held a fistful of the man’s hair, drew his head back and spat in his face. “You ruined my fucking plan for that slut, and you think you can come here and tell me what you expect me to do? You are a fucking prick.”
He drew his foot back and kicked him again.
“You have no insurance policy here. Get him out of here.”
He walked toward his window overlooking the expanse of dirty road. He’d buried many people out there. So many lost souls.
Some of them had been completely innocent. They’d begged for their lives, and like always, he denied them.
He’d have to move on soon.
He’d already gotten new identifications, and his men were working on taking Robin.
The girl was nothing special, but he wanted Preacher to suffer. He had no intention of killing the prick. Nope, he’d keep Preacher alive, knowing he had something Preacher cared about.
Reaper smiled.
All he had to do was wait for the right moment.
When that moment arrived, he’d take her.
Chapter Seventeen
The pain didn’t go away.
Robin took it one day at a time.
It was all she could do, but it wasn’t easy.
School was easier to do as she focused on studying. She stopped trying to think about the future and instead lived in the moment.
Bishop stopped trying to pursue a sexual relationship with her, which she appreciated. Their friendship wasn’t back on track, but like now, they were in each other’s company and it wasn’t so bad.
He’d warmed up some popcorn, and she kept taking kernels even though she hadn’t wanted any.
“I could have warmed you up some.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll stop eating it.” She pushed her hand between her thighs, determined not to steal any more.
He chuckled. “You can eat some, babe. I’m only joking with you.”
They were watching a horror movie, and she kept averting her gaze, not standing the blood. She still had nightmares, but they weren’t as bad as the first time.
This is what Bishop wanted to watch.
She’d been determined to be a nice friend to him and to not blame him for what happened. It wasn’t his fault regardless of his desires.
The only thing she needed to do now was to go into the nursery. She hadn’t had the courage, but she’d seen Preacher leaving the room. She couldn’t go in, not yet. It hurt too much.
“So tomorrow night there’s going to be a party out at the clubhouse. Preacher’s organized it. He’s invited some friends that are not part of the club.”
“I know.”
“I was wondering if you’d like to go.”
“Sure. It sounds like fun.”
“For real?” he asked.
“Yeah, what’s wrong? Did you expect me to say hell no?”
“I honestly don’t know what I expected.”
“You really want to go?”
“Yes, I want to go. It could be fun. I’ve been spending way too much time here of late.”
“We’ll have fun. Party. Dance. It’ll be good. There will be a lot of women, so I’m hoping my dad will find someone to be with.”
“A lot of women?” She pulled away from him.
The thought of Preacher being with anyone made her feel a little sick.
“Yeah, he’s been a bit of a stick in the mud. A lot of the guys think he needs to get laid. He’s spent way too much time keeping it in his pants.”
She grabbed her empty glass and walked into the kitchen. “I don’t think we should be talking about your dad’s sex life.”
“It doesn’t bother you?”
“Of course not.” She poured herself some more water, taking a long gulp. Would Preacher want to be with other women? What if he was? It didn’t matter to her.
Then why does the thought of him having any other women make you angry?
Bishop followed her into the bathroom, taking hold of her hand, and pulled her close. “Let’s not talk about my dad. It’s good for you to be back.” He kissed her cheek. “Don’t worry, I know you’re not ready. I’m not going to push it.”
She pulled away. “You’re being really considerate.”
“I’m your best friend, Robin. You s
hould know by now, I’ve got your back.”
She licked her lips. “Then … come with me to the nursery.”
“Robin?”
“What?”
“I’m not going to the nursery. I don’t need to. You’re the one who needs to go and deal with it. Not me.” He stroked her cheek. “There will be other babies. When we’re ready to start a family, I’ll give them to you.”
He took her hands, kissing the tips of her fingers.
She noticed the gold band she’d presented to him on their rushed wedding.
“You’re wearing your wedding ring.”
“I want you to know I’m serious, and I’m not going to let you go. I’m going to take this fresh start.” He kissed her again, and she smiled but she didn’t feel it.
He was being attentive, loving, nice. Everything she could ever want, but it wasn’t enough.
“I need to use the bathroom.”
“I’ll be waiting for you. I’ll warm up some more popcorn.”
She walked slowly to the stairs, taking them two at a time. Rushing into her room, she went straight to the bathroom. Gripping the edge of the sink, she took deep breaths.
Closing her eyes, she rested her head on the rim as her heart pounded.
“I’m fine. I’m fine.”
She really wasn’t fine.
Squeezing her eyes tightly, she tried to push out the pain. If she didn’t think of Preacher with another woman, she was safe.
As she rubbed at her chest, the pain only stayed.
Minutes passed, and finally, she lifted her head, staring at her reflection. Her face bright red. She touched her cheeks.
“I’m fine.”
They were all lies. She hadn’t been fine for a long time. She didn’t think she’d ever be fine again.
Bishop wore his wedding band, and for the first time since she’d gotten married to him, she felt trapped. Staring down at her arm, she frowned, seeing the scar that had never fully healed from when he’d taken her out of the classroom.
That one memory seemed a million miles away.
They’d grown apart in the past couple of months.
Was it her fault? Had she pushed him away?
She’d been so consumed by the baby, and Bishop, he’d been so caught up in who the baby’s father was.