Honey wouldn’t have thought twice, and the fact that I was doing so now only proved how far she was from me in this moment. But that was good. That was what I wanted.
And I wanted to give him his fantasy too. If he’d made a blindfold okay, then maybe it would be different with this as well.
‘Okay,’ I said thickly. ‘Yes.’
I felt him shift beside me, his fingers easing out of my pussy then back in again in a long, deep glide. At the same time, that thumb pressed harder, working its way inside me, making me groan into the pillow at the intrusion.
‘Sweetheart,’ he murmured, nothing but approval in his voice. ‘Just say stop if you need me to.’
He worked me gently with his fingers and his thumb, until I was shaking, every sense I had focused on his touch and the intense, unbearable pleasure he was giving me. He pushed me and pushed me with gentle relentlessness, his rhythm more insistent until I was sobbing into the pillow as the climax swept over me, leaving me trembling and gasping.
He touched me soothingly after that for a few moments, easing me down from the peak, and then I felt him shift away, the mattress dipping once again as he got off it.
I wanted to ask him what was happening but I couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. I lay there as a warm, sleepy lassitude crept over me. The sheets must have been expensive because they were soft and cool against my hot skin, and they smelled of laundry powder. There was something comforting about them, about the darkness around me. It was somehow full of sexual heat and soothing warmth, passion and relaxation, a strange mix of contrasting sensations that I found exciting and settling all at once.
Then the mattress dipped again and he was back, his hands on me again, authoritative, taking charge. He was stroking me again, my back, my sides, my thighs. And then his fingers slick and slippery, pushed between my butt cheeks again, caressing and rubbing with the glide of liquid against that sensitive opening.
I trembled, half with anticipation and half with a kind of dread, and of course he instantly picked up on it.
‘You still okay?’ He worked his thumb into me again, gentle but relentless.
‘Yes,’ I croaked. ‘Just...’ I bucked helplessly against his hand, the build-up of pleasure beginning again, dragged from me, making my breath catch.
‘Shh,’ he murmured. ‘I’ll go slow.’
His hand disappeared and there was cool air against my back for a second. I heard the sound of foil rustling, then he was touching me again, firmer this time, no longer soothing. Arranging me with a possessiveness that made something quiver deep inside me.
I felt him move behind me, and then came a shocking heat as he laid himself down on top of me, covering me completely, his weight pushing me down into the mattress.
A gasp ripped from my throat, the heat of his body on mine overwhelming. He surrounded me, the musky scent of aroused male and pine flooding my senses; the feel of hard muscle pressing into me was intensely arousing.
One hand slid beneath my hips, lifting me, and then I felt the press of his cock against my ass, hard and hot. He rocked against me a couple of times, a gentle rhythm, and then I felt him push against that tight ring of muscle.
Lights burst in the darkness behind my blindfold. ‘Trajan...’ I gasped.
His weight shifted and I felt one hand come down beside my head. His mouth brushed over the back of my nape and then my neck. ‘It’s okay,’ he murmured. ‘Hush.’
He pushed deeper, slow and relentless, and I felt myself give way before him, my tight flesh reluctantly parting for him.
It hurt, but there was pleasure with the pain. Deep and aching. So different from what I’d had before; but I already knew that, didn’t I? Everything he did to me was different. And it wasn’t so much what he did, as the feeling that swept through me when touched me.
It was the feeling that made it different.
I could feel tears prick the back of my eyes, which was stupid, and yet they wouldn’t stop.
He was deep inside me now, rocking gently, slow and easy, his body curving around mine. And I realised I’d never felt so safe or protected or cared for. Here in the dark, with him inside me, surrounding me, nothing could touch me.
I murmured his name, a dark and deep pleasure winding through my body becoming more and more intense, building slowly. His breathing in my ear became rougher, more ragged, though his rhythm stayed steady, never getting wild or out of control.
It was so good. So very, very good. And it was him. All him.
His hand slipped beneath me again, his finger finding my clit, giving me extra friction, and suddenly I was twisting beneath him and writhing, unable to keep still.
But he didn’t move any faster, just used every deep thrust to pin me harder into the mattress, keeping me in place, his movements causing my clit to jolt against his finger, sending hot, bright bolts of lightning everywhere.
I lost track of time. I lost track of myself.
There was only him. Only his cock in my ass and his hand on my clit. Only his body shielding me and protecting me.
Only the feeling in my heart, the long fall into a chasm I was never going to escape from. And I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to escape. Ever.
I screamed in the end, the sound buried in the pillow, and when I felt his teeth against my shoulder, and his big body shudder as he came too, I screamed again.
And then there was nothing but the velvet blackness that wrapped itself around me and held me tight.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Trajan
THE ORGASM WAS the most intense I’d ever had and for long seconds I couldn’t move. I lay there on her soft body, my cock still buried in her tight, hot flesh, the sounds of her screams still ringing in the air. The smell of musk and sex was everywhere, mixed with the sweet scent that was all Maggie.
She was trembling beneath me and, even after I’d come and come hard, all I wanted to do was ravage her all over again.
A wave of something primitive and raw caught at me. She’d given me this fantasy, of her with me in the darkness. Of her being mine. And now she was, every part of her. Her mouth, her ass, her pussy. All of her was mine. I’d put my stamp on her and, no matter who she was with after this, she would have me there.
And she will be with other men. From tomorrow morning she’ll cease to be yours.
The possessiveness wrapped around my throat, choking me. The thought of her being with someone else...
You don’t want her to be with anyone else but you.
I couldn’t breathe. Trying to be gentle, I eased my cock from her ass and pushed myself away, desperately trying to get air into my lungs.
‘Trajan?’ Her voice was full of concern. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes,’ I forced out. ‘Just lie there. I’ll go get something to clean you up with.’
I didn’t wait for her to reply, slipping off the bed and finding my way to the en suite bathroom. There were cloths in a basket under the sink so I grabbed one and filled the sink with warm water, soaking the cloth gently before getting rid of the condom.
My heart was beating way too fast and all I could think about was the feel of her beneath me, warm and soft, and the hot grip of her flesh, the sounds she made and the way she moved. She made me feel strong and powerful. She made me feel in control.
She was in the darkness with me and I was in full command.
It eased something inside me—something that had been tense and angry for a long time and I hadn’t even known it.
And I realised with a slight shock that, in bed with her, holding her, touching her, fucking her, I hadn’t thought once about my sight. About what I was going to lose. What I couldn’t do. And what I had to ignore in order to go on pretending that this was not going to impact my life in any way.
It was just such a fucking relief.
And tomorrow? When she l
eaves?
But that could look after itself. I didn’t have to think about that now. I’d told myself I was going to enjoy the moment and so I would. Besides, if all it took to feel in control was anal sex with the lights off, then I could get that from any woman.
You don’t want any woman, you fucking idiot. You never did.
But I didn’t want that in my head. I didn’t want the implications or the possibilities, so I shoved it away. Instead, I wrung out the cloth and took it back into the bedroom to where Maggie was lying.
She murmured softly as I lay down beside her, running the warm cloth between her ass cheeks and pressing gently. She gave the most delicious little shiver and moan as I did so, sending another rush of heat through me.
My cock was interested in another round, but she needed some recovery time, so I dealt with the cloth then came back to the bed and gathered her into my arms. She didn’t protest, snuggling into my chest in a way that made my breath catch and my arms tighten around her. And I couldn’t shake the sense that she fitted as though she was made to be there.
Perhaps I should have let her go at that thought, but I didn’t. I couldn’t bear to.
‘Thank you,’ I said into the silence. ‘Thank you for giving that to me.’
‘No, thank you.’ She sounded sleepy and slurred. ‘That was amazing. It’s never been like that before for me.’
A hot pulse of satisfaction hit me at that. ‘I didn’t hurt you?’
‘Not at all.’ She sighed. ‘I think you could make me like anything at all.’
I could feel her breath against my chest, her body lax and sated lying against me, and it was good. Too fucking good.
My chest ached, but I ignored it, as I ignored everything else. ‘Well,’ I said firmly. ‘The night is still young. Plenty of time to test that theory.’
‘Oh, dear,’ she murmured. ‘That sounds serious. Should I be worried?
‘Unless you’re worried about having too many orgasms, then no.’
She gave a soft laugh and her lips brushed my skin. ‘You’re funny. Having control is a big thing for you, isn’t it?’
The question was asked in exactly the same tone, and for a second I was so distracted by the soft feel of her lips that I almost didn’t hear it.
And then I did.
‘And it isn’t for you?’ I asked idly.
‘Of course. But that wasn’t an accusation, you know. I was just interested.’
I still didn’t want to talk about me but it felt wrong not to at least give her something, especially after she’d been so open with me before.
‘Yes,’ I said after a moment. ‘It’s important. You might not be able to control what happens to you, but you can control your response to it.’
‘That’s true.’ She was silent a second. ‘Is it really that important to you that no one knows about your vision?’
A flicker of discomfort hit me that I tried to fight off. ‘It’s not that it’s important. I don’t care what people think of me. It’s that I don’t want any aspect of RP to impact my life.’
There was a silence but I could feel her gaze on me, the slight change in pressure and the subtle shift of her muscles. But she still had that blindfold on so she wouldn’t be able to see my face. She was as blind as I was.
And I felt something shift inside me—a need I’d buried for so long that I’d told myself I didn’t feel it any more. I didn’t talk about this with anyone, not even with Eli, my best friend. But here in the darkness, a darkness we shared, I suddenly wanted to talk, and to her.
‘You remember I told you about that accident?’ I said abruptly.
‘The car accident with your girlfriend?’
‘Yes.’
‘What about it?’ Her fingers had begun another slow circle on my chest, calming the restless and uncertain feeling inside me.
‘The accident was caused by a car I didn’t see. And I didn’t see it because I didn’t realise that I’d lost some of my peripheral vision. It was early evening, and the light was low, so there were a lot of things I didn’t see and didn’t realise that I didn’t see. One minute I was talking to her, the next we were upside down.’
My heartbeat accelerated, a ghost of that old panic sweeping through me, tensing all my muscles, but I dismissed it. ‘Susie was making these awful sounds and I realised I couldn’t see a fucking thing. I...panicked. Lost precious time trying to work out what was happening. I’d lost my phone and I couldn’t find it. Then Susie went silent and wouldn’t answer me.’
A hand closed around my throat, making my breathing difficult. I wouldn’t let it fucking get to me. I wouldn’t. Not again. ‘I was disorientated. I couldn’t tell up from down. I didn’t know where she was. There was just...blackness.’
Maggie said nothing, but then I realised I was concentrating on those small circles she was tracing on my chest, the warmth of her touch on my skin grounding me, calming that desperate thing inside me.
I felt myself relax, focusing on her touch. ‘Somehow I found my way out of the car, but it was pure luck that I put my hand on my phone. I couldn’t press the buttons—I was too panicked to think of using hands-free—and I wasted more time calling the emergency services.’ I took another slow breath, focusing on her gentle, warm touch. ‘I’d never been afraid of anything. I’d never doubted myself. I’d always been absolutely certain about the path my life would take and what I was going to do with it. But that night... I knew terror and doubt and uncertainty.’
‘That must have been awful,’ Maggie said softly, her voice full of concern. ‘Poor boy.’
I tightened my arms around her, the warmth of her body seeping into mine, warming me through. ‘I got my diagnosis a few days after that. And my dad...’ I stopped, this part strangely difficult. A bitter anger I thought I’d long since got rid of turned over in my gut. ‘Dad pretended that it didn’t exist. He refused to acknowledge it. I couldn’t talk to him about it, couldn’t ask him for advice. Couldn’t ask him what to do. He just wouldn’t talk. I had to find out about it myself.’
‘Oh, Trajan.’ She sounded appalled.
‘It was fine,’ I said, though I knew the sound of my voice told the real truth. ‘I figured it out. You can’t rely on other people to help you get through things; you have to do it alone. But not only would he not talk to me about it, he changed all the plans we had for me to join his business. Without even mentioning it to me, he just cut me out.’
I’d become very tense, a remembered anger burning like a fire inside me, but then I felt Maggie’s mouth on my chest pressing a gentle kiss there, and somehow the anger inside me lessened, the burn becoming less acute. It felt so distant now, with her mouth on me.
‘What about your mom?’ she asked. ‘Didn’t she help you?’
‘No. She ignored it too. I think she was afraid. She didn’t know how to deal with a blind son. Neither of them did.’
Maggie let out a soft breath. ‘Oh, that’s awful. I’m so sorry.’
I wanted to shrug and tell her that I’d dealt with it. That their failure to acknowledge what was happening to me hadn’t impacted me in any way. But all that came out was, ‘I decided that if they were going to pretend that my blindness didn’t exist, all while making it clear that that they had no expectations of me doing anything worthwhile, then I’d show them what I could do. That I could succeed despite what they thought.
‘And I did succeed. I built a fucking billion-dollar company based on body armour. My friend Eli and I deal with governments, with top business people, with the military, with research institutions. So you see, it didn’t matter in the end that I had RP. It doesn’t matter that I’m losing my vision. I am successful despite it.’
She pressed another kiss on my chest. ‘That’s incredibly inspiring, you know that? You’re kind of amazing.’
Those kisses, the wonder in her voice... I
hadn’t realised how much I’d needed that until now.
Like you deserve it.
A whisper of cold washed through me.
‘I’m not amazing,’ I said flatly. ‘I’m only successful because I refused to give in to fear. Because I learned how to take control of something rather than have it control me.’
‘But—’
‘I started losing my peripheral vision before the accident happened,’ I interrupted. ‘I knew I shouldn’t have been driving that night but I ignored it.’
Maggie’s hands didn’t hesitate. She kept on stroking me gently. ‘Why did you ignore it?’
‘Why do you think?’ My voice had got rough. ‘Because I was afraid. I let fear get in the way and Susie got hurt. And then my panic delayed treatment for her. She survived, but she had to learn to walk again, and she has PTSD—’
I broke off all of a sudden as I felt Maggie’s lips on my jaw, my cheek, my eyes, a rain of soft kisses on my face. ‘It’s okay,’ she murmured gently. ‘It’s okay, Trajan.’
My soul ached at the tenderness in her voice, at the warmth.
‘It was my fault,’ I said hoarsely. ‘I should have paid attention to the fact that I couldn’t see at night. That I—’
‘You were young,’ she interrupted quietly. ‘And that was the first time you realised that you weren’t bulletproof. That you’re human.’ Another kiss on my cheek, another on my jaw. ‘Realising that is always scary. But you’re not alone, darling. You’re not alone with it. I’m only human, too.’
I wasn’t sure why that statement made such a difference. I didn’t think I needed anyone with me in this hellhole. And it was a hellhole, even though I tried never to think of it like that, because nothing I could do would change it. All I could do was manage my response and my environment.
Yet...what would have sounded like platitudes and trite bullshit from anyone else was reassuring coming from her. Because I knew she meant it. And I knew she understood, because she’d had her own shit to handle.
And she’d joined me in the darkness.
I wasn’t alone with her there. And being human when she was next to me... Well, maybe I could handle that after all.
Harlequin Dare May 2021 Box Set Page 13