by Sky McCoy
He came back to tell his mother and confide in her and get advice. She deserved to know, but first he had to get his courage together. He would think a few years and three weeks would have prepared him for that day when he said, Mom, I’m gay.
He imagined his mother passing out at the kitchen table with a heart attack, and the word getting around, probably from his sister, that their mother had died a long time ago from a broken heart brought on from worrying about Payton, her baby boy.
His sister Noreen would probably add that Payton hadn’t called their mother, or hadn’t seen her in five years, and when he’d showed up out of nowhere at her doorsteps, her heart just gave out. There were several scenarios that played in Payton’s headspace about what would happen when he admitted to his mother that he was a man who happen to love a man.
When Payton looked up the place was filling up and he was ready to leave before Isabella asked any more questions, or got the wrong impression about the two of them.
“There are some things I have to do tomorrow. I hope you don’t mind me leaving. I can drop you home if you’d like.”
Payton stood and took Isabella’s hand. After paying the waitress, and leaving a tip, they walked to the door and stepped outside. As they were strolling to Payton’s mother’s car in the small parking lot, a tall husky man in jeans stepped out of the car.
“What are you doing, Isabella? I was by your mother’s house looking for you, but she said that you were here. But I didn’t expect to see you with a man.”
“Well I expected to see you with a woman so leave me alone.”
He placed his hand on her arm and held it tight.
“She’s with me,” Payton said stepping over to face the man with the large biceps. They were both tall and stared down each other eye to eye.
“And who the fuck are you?”
“Payton Bailey.”
“Payton fucking Bailey? I heard about you. That’s all Isabella would talk about. How I wasn’t anything like you. Well she should have married you with your punk ass.”
“There’s no need for that kind of talk,” Isabella said.
“Release her arm,” Payton said.
Zac dropped Isabella’s arm.
“Go get in the car. I’ll deal with him,” Payton said to Isabella.
Isabella stood hesitant and then she trudged slowly in the direction of the car, and stood alongside it looking at the two men.
“What are you going to do? I knew you were a homo when I took Isabella from you. No real man would have let me get away with fucking his girl. She admitted that you never even fucked her. So what are you going to do now? Fuck me?”
When Payton was tired of hearing Zac mouth off, he looked him in the eyes and reached for his balls before Zac had time to react. Payton tightened his large hands with a firm grip on them, and Zac bent over and moaned and held onto Payton’s hand.
“For your information, I had too much respect for Isabella which I see you have none. So when you’re thinking about saying and doing ugly things to her, or disrespecting her in any form more than you have, think about who had the power to crush your balls where you would never be able to fuck, or have children.”
When Payton released his grip on Zac, he fell to the pavement. Payton turned with a grin crossing his lips. Taylor was right. When you have a man by the balls his mind will follow, or something like that, he thought.
“I’d better take him to the hospital,” Isabella said her glance wavering from Payton to Zac.
“He’ll be alright. He couldn’t handle the pain.”
PAYTON FOUND HIS MOTHER sitting in his father’s favorite chair when he arrived home after dropping Isabella off. Jane tried to get up and let him sit, but he waved his hand. “No, Ma, you stay there. It’s the most comfortable chair in the house, and you deserve to sit there. After raising four kids you’ve earned the right to relax.”
He sat on the sofa across from her as he thought about how he would approach the subject. “I saw Isabella tonight.”
Jane reached for the remote in her lap and turned down the sound. “Did she convince you to stay a little longer? I mean, she was a friend all through high school. Don’t let a little mistake keep you from seeing her as a friend you once cherished.”
“She was once more than a friend, Ma. I thought I loved her.” Payton voice was small and soft. Then his eyes wandered over to his mother.
“You were just children then. You’re an adult now.”
“I know, Ma, but I was more of a friend to her than she was ever to me, but that’s not what I wanted to say. It was Isabella who convinced me once again to leave here. But I’ll return more often, Ma, and maybe you’ll come to see me wherever I decide to stay. I’m considering going back to San Francisco. Like that we aren’t too far away from each other.”
There was a warm smile washing over his mother’s face.
“I have to tell you something,” Payton said, biting his bottom lip.
And just like that Jane’s smile disappeared as fast as it rose. Her forehead furrowed and the spark left her brown eyes. How could he fashion his mouth and words to tell her? Quick. You have to do it quick. He had to get it out fast before he had time to think about it. Say it. For fuck’s sake tell your mother.
“I’m gay.”
Jane closed her eyes and placed her hand over her mouth and drew in a hard breath, and when she took her hand down, and opened her eyes she said, “Thank God. I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer or something. I’ve been going over the cancer thing in my mind and waiting for you to tell me it was cancer that I think I died every time I saw you, because you acted so upset all the time. I knew you were hiding something, and I was afraid that my beautiful baby boy was ill, and didn’t know how to tell his mother, and he would go off to the city and die just to spare me.”
Payton stood and crouched and sat on the floor near his mother’s chair, and held her hand and kissed it.
She ran her palm over his hair and said, “I don’t care who you love or marry I just want my boy to be happy and now that I know that you’re not sick, I’m the happiest mother alive.”
“What did I do to deserve a wonderful mother like you?”
“The question is how I got so lucky to have a son like you. You’ve taken care of me financially, and you’ve stayed with me longer than any of my children, and been there when I needed you the most. I’m okay now, and I know you have to leave.”
Payton saw a tear fall from his mother’s eyes.
“A mother wants her children to be happy and safe. They don’t care about all that other stuff. Well I don’t. Your father I’m not so sure. But go find your husband, or your better half. I know you wouldn’t have married him if you didn’t love him. That’s how you are.”
“I’m going to go back to him, if he’ll have me, but I need to go talk to a therapist first. I have issues.”
“I know. I’ve known you all your life. I gave birth to you, remember, and I know my children. You were possessive and jealous. Not in a bad way. But it’s like you never grew up.”
“I know, Ma and I have to do something about my jealousy before I can be a partner to this beautiful man. I wanted to know about his intimate past with another person when he was a teen which caused me problems. I have to work that out.”
“Marriage is not a straight path to happiness, my son. It takes you off the road sometimes and then you have to find your way back. You have to work at it. But you will.”
“Your marriage to Father was a loving one.”
“Yes, but we had to work every day on it. And you leaving your marriage because you couldn’t live with another’s past is not working on anything but divorce,” Jane said.
They talked and laughed and Payton said his goodbyes and promised her that he would see her soon and then he left for bed.
THERE WASN’T MUCH TO say or discuss with his mother now. They had worked out what they could last night. And now it was time to leave. He was a man
and he realized that he had to discover what his mother knew—he had to work on himself and his marriage.
That morning he climbed into his father’s beat up Toyota thinking he would drive it to a rental, and get a new car, and they would return his father’s car to his mother later that day. But instead he thought he would like to drive his father’s old car to San Francisco, and ship it back to her once he arrived.
But like his life, there were detours along the way.
Chapter Seventeen
TAYLOR STEPPED OFF the plane and a rental was waiting for him. He looked at the envelope once more, just to be sure, and put in the address to the GPS system. As he drove from the airport he took the time to look around. A modest community more rural than anything he had known before. He had been to small towns in Italy and Spain when he was modeling, and Dylan had planned the shoot.
These towns were secluded areas with forest and hidden waterfalls. Now he couldn’t quite remember where it was, was it in Italy or Spain, maybe England when he lost his virginity to Dylan under a tree.
That was a long time ago and every time the thought cropped up in his mind, he tried to knock it out. Those were happy times and crazy times. He thought he was in love then, but when he met Payton there was nothing to compare that feeling to when he first laid with him and entered him. He had never known that feeling of topping a man until then, and it had been heavenly with Payton, especially when he opened his legs and brought them to his chest as Taylor had instructed the way he was once instructed by Dylan.
The way Payton had been positioned, Taylor had perfect entry and his first time with Payton had been extremely passionate and erotic.
Taylor’s thoughts wandered as each passing stream and tree reminded him of the peace he had felt with Payton. Payton was like this countryside, easy, sweet, and peaceful. Unlike Dylan who reminded him of city life—hard, erratic, and unreliable. Yes that was Dylan alright and if Payton knew about his relationship before the wedding, he would have known that there was no way in hell Taylor would want to visit that shit life again.
When Taylor pulled up into the gravel driveway that led to a detached garage, he hesitated. What was he going to say to Mrs. Jane Bailey? He sat there a few minutes until he realized that he had driven this far out to find his man, and there was no way in hell he would turn back until he had convinced Payton to come back with him. He would camp out in his mother’s driveway, sleep in the car if he had to. Beg Payton, anything to get him back.
Then the door to the house opened and a woman in her late sixties or early seventies with salt and pepper hair and bright amber eyes ambled out onto the porch. She sat down in a swing and watched the car.
It was time. Payton obviously wasn’t around. Taylor placed one foot and then the other and pretty soon he was standing at the steps leading up to the house.
“I was wondering when you would get out of that car, young man. Come here sit down beside me.” She stared at him.
As Taylor stood gazing into her eyes and seeing Payton written all over her face, from the thick eyelashes, to the thin delicate upturned nose. Jane Bailey had given her son her amber eyes and her thick dark hair. The eyes Taylor had fallen in love with, and the hair he had raked his fingers through.
As she patted her hand for him to sit next to her, Jane said, “It’s a wonderful day, young man. We don’t get many like these so enjoy it. Are you hungry, do you want something to drink or eat?”
“No, thank you.” And he sat near Jane Bailey in a swing. And she stared at him taking in all of him, as her eyes moved from his eyes to his face, to his shirt and jeans and then down to his feet.
He watched what Jane was seeing. His expensive loafers didn’t fit those jeans and flannel shirt.
“You must be Mr. Taylor Knox. My son’s husband.”
His mouth fell open. He didn’t expect her to know anything about him even his name. Taylor extended his hand and she pushed it aside and reached for him and held him tight in a hug. And then kissed the side of his face before she broke her hug.
When she let Taylor go, she looked to him and said, “You’re a handsome man, Taylor Knox. Just like Payton described you. My boy is a looker too.”
“Is he here? I’ve been traveling all day to find him. He never told me he had a family until he received a letter from you.”
“Maybe he was unsure how I would accept him marrying a man. He was always sensitive.”
“Yes, I know,” Taylor said.
“And he was a jealous and a possessive child. Maybe he’s like that because he’s the baby in the family. Do you know, he thought that he didn’t have siblings because they were older than him, and he thought I was just caring for them until their mother came back? Maybe I’m to blame for that. I coddled him too much. But when he loves someone he’s so possessive, and if he thinks he has to share his love then he runs away. So forgive my son if he loves too hard. He takes that from his father.”
Taylor listened and was trying to understand Payton’s behavior and talking to Taylor’s mother brought everything into perspective—his unyielding love for him. Payton revealed to Taylor once that he had adjusted to the breakups with the women in his life, but it was different with Taylor, and now all the puzzle pieces were coming into shape in Taylor’s mind. He could see what was going on with Payton.
His mother continued talking and it jarred Taylor back.
He glanced over at her when she said, “When he got old enough and understood that he had brothers and a sister he realized that he shouldn’t behave that way. But then he had a girl that hurt him, and he left Oregon for good. I told him just yesterday to stop running. But he left anyway for San Francisco. He just got into his father’s old Toyota car and said that he needed to get his head clear, and that when he got to the nearest rental he would have them bring the car back home, and that when he arrived in San Francisco, he would call.”
“Has he called?”
“Not yet. He told me not to expect a call from him inside of a month.” Jane stood. “Come in, Taylor, I have a pie in the oven. It should be ready now, and it’s getting late, and sometimes it can get cold out here, even in June.”
Taylor stood and opened the door and let Jane in first.
“You seem like a nice young man,” Jane said as she made her way inside. She gestured to Taylor who had stopped to look at some pictures. “Come, it’s warmer in the kitchen. I have something for you to eat and don’t tell me you’re not hungry. You and my boy are so thin. Well, I guess walking around that big city can keep you trim and fit.”
“Not really. Payton cooks sometimes and most of the time we eat out. And well I haven’t been eating well since Payton left.”
“He can cook? Awe.” Jane smiled. “Don’t worry, he’ll be back. He’s so much in love with you,” Jane said holding Taylor’s hand giving him the reassurance he needed.
Taylor wanted to ask her how she knew that Payton was in love with him, but he didn’t want to appear to be so needy, but he was needy, and out of his mind with worry.
“I guess some of the things I taught him rubbed off,” she said reaching for the bread and roast beef then pickles and tomatoes from the fridge. She handed Taylor a huge sandwich after she cut it and before taking the pie out of the oven, and placing it on the top of the stove.
“I think everything you taught him stuck,” Taylor said taking a mouth full. “Mmm, this is great.” Taylor glanced over at the woman who had just stolen his heart. “He’s as warm and generous as you, and a beautiful man.”
Jane put her hand over Taylor’s and looked into his eyes. “Take care of my son. He loves you very much. He will find his way back to you. Be there when he returns and try to forgive him.”
“I’ve forgiven him already, but first I have to find him.”
“You will. When you’ve finished eating, bring your clothes in because you’re staying with me tonight. I’m not taking no for an answer. You’re going to sleep in Payton’s room. He cleaned it up nicely
. Got rid of all the old posters he had hung on the wall.”
Taylor was disappointed because he wanted to know if he was correct in his assessment of Payton. Did he have posters of rock stars and celebrities?
“We need to get acquainted with each other since you’re married to my son and are going to be visiting again.” Jane raised her head to look Taylor in the eyes. She seemed to have more confidence in Taylor finding Payton and bringing home, and their marriage working out than Taylor did.
“Of course I will. And no matter what happens between Payton and me, I’ll see that one of us comes to check on you. Where are your sons and daughter?”
“Brian is in Germany and Edward is stationed in Hawaii, and Noreen, that’s my daughter, she lives in Seattle.”
“I tell you what, Jane, I’ll make sure that we take a vacation and spend at least a week or two with you every June.” Now Taylor was sounding more positive than before.
Jane leaned over and kissed Taylor on the cheek. She had a wonderful homey smell to her. She smelled like the apple pie she had just pulled out of the oven. “Desert. I bet you don’t get pies like this,” she said, showing it off. “Now go and get your suitcase. The pie will have cooled by then and we can talk over a piece of pie and milk.”
TAYLOR AND JANE TALKED most of the night and then sat and watched television and when Jane had fallen asleep, Taylor got up and walked into Payton’s room. After taking a shower, he pulled the sheets over him, and fell asleep feeling that Payton’s arms were wrapped around him.
And the peace of being in his mother’s house brought back memories of his mother, and how she loved him and protected him through her understanding and love, making him the man he was today.
Payton’s life wasn’t that much different from his, the only contrasting feature was Taylor had been born into privilege, whereas Payton in middle to lower class lifestyle on opposite ends of the coasts. He in New York and Payton in Oregon.