by Ralph Lante
Manuel
It my mudder's recipe, very popular in Barcelona
Basil
I said we are not having paella!
Manuel
What about ice-cream?
Basil takes a deep breath as Sybil returns to stage, carrying some menus.
Sybil
I found some old menus out the back. We can use these for tonight. Can you manage handing these out to the guests, Basil?
Basil
Yes dear, I’ll do it immediately.
Sybil leaves the stage.
Basil
Manuel!
Manuel
Si, Mr. Fawlty
Basil
Please, hand these menus to our guests.
Basil leaves the stage as Manuel hands out the menus. When this is done, Manuel also exits backstage. There is a half hour intermission while waiters take food and drink orders from the guests. Act 2 commences when orders are taken.
Act 2 A Whole Lot of Thieves
Basil
Ladies and gentlemen. We have taken all your orders and it will not be too long before your entrée is served. Thank you for your patience.
Sybil walks on stage and goes over to Basil
Sybil
Basil, why has chef not yet arrived?
Basil
Probably caught in traffic my love… its gridlock out there.
Sybil
(Sternly) I asked Pierre to get here early. We have to prepare the meals.
Basil
Oh yes… Err... It seems Pierre is not well… Err… said he has a terrible upset stomach… Food poisoning I think (Ha, ha) … Anyway he won’t be coming tonight, but fortunately Giuseppe has agreed to step in at the last moment.
Sybil
(Annoyed) Giuseppe? Who the hell is Giuseppe?
Basil
Well dear, he err… comes very highly recommended.
Sybil
Recommended… by whom?
Basil
He owns an establishment in town. Manuel regularly dines there and said he is very good.
Sybil
Are you talking about a short order cook in a snack bar, or someone who actually has some culinary experience?
Basil
Well, he's experienced. Of course, he's experienced!
Sybil
Have you tasted his cuisine?
Basil
Naturally dear, do you think I would hire someone if I did not first sample his wares?
Sybil
And what, pray tell, did he prepare for you?
Basil
Ah let me think… Yes…it was… lightly seasoned fish fillets, coated in his own special gourmet batter, together with delicious hand cut salted potato fingers lightly fried in...
Sybil
Fish and chips!
Basil
Well, if you want to be common about it…
Sybil
I don't think our guests paid $50 each to have fish and chips, perhaps we should also throw in a cheeseburger?
Basil
If you think it's a good idea.
Sybil
No, I don't think that's a good idea. Tell me, Basil, is this Giuseppe cheaper than Pierre?
Basil
As it happens, considerably.
Sybil
This is on your shoulders, Basil!
Sybil walks off stage fuming and shaking her head.
Basil
(Calling out) You simple do not understand economics, my dear!
Basil looks warily at the audience.
Basil
Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for that. Things will soon be returning to normal. Now, I know some of you were expecting to have food prepared by Pierre tonight, but I have a special surprise. I have searched high and low in the finest restaurants and found someone far superior. (Pause) To be perfectly honest, that Pierre was a bit of a toffee nosed git. I believe… you should judge a meal by the manners of the Chef who prepares it!
Manuel comes running on stage.
Manuel
Mr. Fawlty, Mr. Fawlty!
Basil
Oh, what is it now, can’t you just leave me alone
Manuel
It gone!
Basil
Not your hamster again?
Manual
Oh no, Mr. Fawlty, its da money!
Basil looks pale
Basil
The money, what money?
Manuel
Dis money, money from, what you say, here… (Manuel points at audience) From them
Basil
What!
Manuel
(Shrugging shoulders and looking innocent) It gone…
Basil
It can’t be gone, you put it in the safe.
Manuel
(Manuel indicates with his hands apart) Safe open!
Basil marches calmly and quickly backstage. The audience hears a scream and a thud. Manuel runs back stage and then drags Basil’s lifeless body by the feet in front of the audience. Basil is lying on his back on the floor. Manuel is upset
Manuel
Mr. Fawlty… Mr. Fawlty!
Basil opens one eye and looks around.
Basil
Why did you bring me here? Can’t a man faint in privacy?
Manuel
Mr. Fawlty, I worry you dead!
Basil
So… are you considering burying me in front of our guests?
Basil gets up
Manuel
No, no. I want ask peoples, if have doctor in room.
Basil
If I’m dead, I hardly need a doctor… try a mortician!
Manuel
What is mortishan?
Basil
I expect you will be finding out, by the time this night is over!
Manuel
You see money gone!
Basil
Oh… the money… Yes, all the money is gone!
Manuel
Like I say.
Very concerned Basil looks at the audience.
Basil
Where’s Sybil?
Manuel
Que?
Basil
(Raising his voice) Where is Sybil?
Manuel looks confused
Manuel
No bill.
Basil
(Confused) What?
Manuel
(Manuel points at audience) They already pay!
Basil
(Angry) Sybil! My wife, Sybil!
Manuel
Ah, Si, Si.
Manuel looks around at the guests.
Manuel
She gone.
Basil
I know she's gone! I can see she's gone! Where did she go!
Manuel
Perhaps she go shopping?
Basil
(Outraged) Shopping… Why would she go shopping now!
Manuel
Maybe buy shoos?
Basil
I really don't know why I am having this conversation.
Manuel
What is con–a-sation
Basil
Never mind, just lock all the doors.
Manuel
Lock doors… but people still here.
Basil
I know people still here. I can see people still here… Just lock the doors!
Manuel goes off and locks the doors.
Basil
Ladies and gentlemen (silently)... If I could call you that… I'm afraid one of you has stolen my takings for tonight and I have no option but to call the police… Hopefully they will find the culprit… But if not, I'll see to it they lock the lot of you up.
Manuel
Doors closed, Mr. Fawlty
Basil
Thank-you Manuel… Now, I want you to know that you are not going to get away with this. By the looks of it, for some of you this is your first time in a real restaurant… so let me tell you how it works. Manual is going to carry out a full body search
on every one of you, until we find the culprit. You made a big mistake if you though you could do battle with an Englishman… Manuel!
Manuel
Si?
Basil
I want you to commence the body search.
Manuel
Que?
Basil
We must find who has taken the money.
Manuel
Que?
Basil
Oh for goodness sake……We do this.
Basil performs a mock body search on Manuel to show him how it works.
Manuel
Ah, Si, Si, I understand.
Basil
Now go fetch the first person, and let’s get this over and done with.
Manuel walks among the audience and finds a pretty girl. He takes her by the hand and brings her to the front.
Basil
What’s this?
Manuel
I do bob search, like you say.
Basil
Manuel, this gentleman over here is the closest, why did you pick this lady?
Manuel
You do boo search on man, I take this one.
Basil
This is an investigation man, not a knocking shop!
At this moment Sybil walks on stage and sees Basil next to the pretty lady.
Sybil
Basil what are you doing? I leave the place for two minutes and you’ve already started.
Basil
No, no, you don’t understand.
Sybil
I still have eyes, Basil.
Basil
Manuel….please tell Sybil what is going on!
Manuel
Mrs. Fawlty, Mr. Fawlty, he want to … err… boob search... You know like this.
Manuel starts caressing Basil’s body Basil jumps back in disgust.
Basil
Manuel, stop that right now… Sybil we trying to do a body search… not this…. thing… this deranged person is doing to me!
Sybil
Body search, is that what they call it now?
Basil
Listen you contemptuous old crow, the money from our safe has been stolen and we are looking for the culprit.
Sybil
And this lady is your prime suspect?
Basil
Well, I haven't had a chance to find out, have I!
Sybil
And you won’t. The money is here.
Sybil holds up the money bag.
Basil
What… you took it without telling me!
Sybil
That so called chef of yours, insisted I pay him before he would work, so I have just done so.
Basil
He wanted payment in advance… the scoundrel!
Sybil
Well personally I don’t blame him, he probably knows you better that you let on. Please ask the lady to return to her seat. The Entrees are ready.
Basil takes the lady by the arm.
Sybil
Manuel! Please escort the lady to her seat.
Manuel takes the lady from Basil’s hand and escorts her to the seat. Basil gives Sybil and angry look when she is not looking.
Sybil
Oh Basil, by the way, do you know what day this is?
Basil
Friday?
Sybil
Thank you… I shouldn’t expect more should I.
Basil
(To himself) What’s she blabbering about?
Once the lady is back in her seat Basil and Manuel return back stage. There is a one hour intermission while waiters serve Entrees then dinner to guests. Act 3 commences when plates have been cleared.
Act 3 The Anniversary Part 1
Basil and Sybil appear on stage.
Basil
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your dinner tonight. As your hosts, we would like to thank you once again for your kind attendance.
Sybil
We will be serving desert shortly, so please be patient. (quietly) God knows, I have to be!
Basil turns to Sybil with a big grin on his face
Basil
Well?
Sybil
Well what, Basil?
Basil
It all went well tonight, my little doubting Thomas… Everyone enjoyed their meal, and I think my decision to use Giuseppe was a wise one.
Sybil
The meals were quite good, I agree.
Basil
Do you have anything to say to me, my dear?
Sybil
Yes, but not in public…
Basil is expectantly looking at the audience
Sybil
I would not look so proud of yourself, Basil. You never know when things might blow up in your face.
Basil
I think not my dear, as far as I can see, everything is fine.
Sybil
If that is what you think, then so be it.
Sybil appears annoyed and leaves the stage.
Basil
That’s the thing about wives, they are the very first to point out the slightest error a man makes, but a little hesitant when the shoe is on the other foot.
Basil is smiling and looks at a woman in the audience.
Basil
But I am sure that does not apply to you madam.
Manuel comes running on stage, with a diary in his hand.
Manuel
Mr. Fawlty, Mr. Fawlty!
Basil
Must you always do that? Now what?
Manuel holds the diary in front of Basil’s face and points.
Manuel
Look!
Basil
Oh no… no… it can’t be… Not today.
Manuel
Anni burst barry
Basil
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I will have to attend to a slightly delicate matter… You see… it seems I have forgotten it is our wedding anniversary today.
As Basil looks at the audience, he points to a guest sitting down
Basil
You know exactly what I mean, don’t you!
Basil turns to Manuel
Basil
Quick! I need a present.
Manuel
My hamster?
Basil
I can’t give Sybil that moth eaten, smelly rodent! I need something nice… Maybe flowers.
Manuel
Flower, you think she like flower?
Basil
Yes, of course she will like flower, all girls like flowers.
Manuel
If you say so.
Basil
Okay, it might not be too late. Here’s twenty dollars. Sneak out and get flowers. I want them in a nice box, wrapped and with a ribbon.
Manuel
Si, Si, ribbon, like on umbrella you give me for birthday. Such a bootiful present.
Basil
Yes… that’s right, a ribbon like on your bootiful present, and in a nice box.
Manuel
I go now?
Basil
Yes, go now, and make it quick man, and please… Don’t muck this up!
Manuel
No, no, you help find good job, now I help you.
Manuel takes the cash and runs out a side door.
Basil
I hope you ladies realize the things us men have to go though.
Half hour intermission while waiters serve dessert and coffee to all guests. Act 4 commences when all entree plates have been cleared.
Act 4 The Anniversary Part 2
Manuel arrives on stage with a beautifully wrapped box. It has a long red ribbon tied to a bow. In a whispered voice Manual calls …
Manuel
Mr. Fawlty!
Basil
(Arriving on stage) Shhhh… You’re back… Excellent. Let me have a look.
Manuel shows Basil the box.
Basil
Oh Manuel, that is good. That is very good indeed. You have saved my bacon, my good man. Qu
ick, hide in under my table.
Manuel places the present under the table where Basil has been working. Just at that moment Sybil arrives on stage.
Basil
Well dear, what do you think, a successful night, everyone happy and nothing forgotten.
Sybil
Nothing forgotten… are you sure?
Basil puts his hand to his chin, as if in deep thought.
Basil
I think not dear… I put the cat out before we left tonight.
Sybil
You know, Basil, you have three distinct character traits.
Basil
Do I my love?
Sybil
Yes… Annoying!
Basil says nothing, but tilts his head.
Sybil
More Annoying!
Basil still says nothing, but tilts his head the other side.
Sybil
(Sternly) And bloody Annoying!
Basil says nothing but nods his head.
Basil
Your trouble, my dear, is you are too quick to judge.
Sybil
Too quick to judge… I’ve been waiting all day for…