He was putting on a brave front, Joy could see that. There’s no way he could actually want to leave the house he and Mom loved and move into a tiny apartment. To have strangers inside his home every day, multiple times a day. To give up the life he knew.
“I’m sorry.” A tear slid down Joy’s nose as she bent forward in her chair, placing her elbows onto her knees, her head into her hands. “This is all my fault.”
“What are you talking about?”
“If I hadn’t fallen asleep, let Mom leave the house unattended . . .”
“JoJo, look at me.”
“No.” She couldn’t bear to see the pain in his eyes.
Dad sighed and ran his hand down her back in light circles like he had so many times when she was a child. “I was already considering the move before your mother broke her hip. You know as well as I do that it would have eventually come to this, that we wouldn’t be able to care for her at home for the rest of her life. It has nothing to do with you and your capabilities. Having you here has been so helpful—you’ll never know how much—and we’ve made some wonderful memories this year. But it’s time to let someone else carry the burden.”
Her head popped up. “Mom’s not a burden.”
“No, but caring for her is. One that you were never meant to take on your shoulders forever. And it could be a long road yet.”
“But I’m her daughter.”
“And I’m her husband. In sickness and in health, until death do us part, remember? This is my life, and this is my choice. I choose to be with her, for as many days as we have left together. That may be ten months, or it may be ten years. No one but the good Lord knows. But you still have your whole life ahead of you. In the moments when she’s lucid, she’s told me that she feels awful that you’ve thrown away your career to be here with her. And she doesn’t want you throwing away your chance at happiness, whatever that may include.”
“I’m not throwing anything away.” Oliver’s face flashed in Joy’s mind, which only made her chest tighten more. “This is my life and my choice too, Dad. I don’t want to have any regrets.”
Then why did you leave him without saying goodbye?
She nearly growled in frustration. Why couldn’t her inner voice just take a day off for once?
Joy stood and wiped the moisture from under her eyes. She steeled her petite frame. “I need to see Mom again. Once she’s past this pneumonia business—and I’m not dead on my feet after nearly a day of travel and no sleep—we can discuss this like two rational adults.”
Then she charged down the hallway toward Mom’s room before Dad could get out another word.
Chapter 15
The whole world was preparing for the start of something new. Why couldn’t Joy get on board?
She walked the brick pathway winding along the banks of the river in downtown New Port Richey, which was just up the road from the skilled nursing facility. Having spent every waking moment in her mom’s room since she had arrived the day before, she’d finally stepped outside for some air.
And as she passed the facility’s front desk, that’s when she’d remembered—tomorrow was New Year’s Eve. The day after that, New Year’s. A time for making resolutions. For welcoming change.
Joy didn’t want to do either one. She wanted to keep things exactly as they were.
But why?
Inhaling the scent of steaks cooking on a charcoal grill nearby, Joy meandered the path, passing plenty of couples and families taking advantage of the seventy-degree weather. No need for a parka here, just a linen long-sleeved red blouse, cuffed jeans, and white Keds. In grassy areas beside the river, people biked, tossed Frisbees, and picnicked under the sycamore and redbud maple trees. Nearly every bench along the path was filled.
Her phone rang from her back pocket. Joy nearly fumbled it in her rush to remove it. As she glanced at the Caller ID, she did a double take and answered. “Uh, excuse me? You’re only two days into your honeymoon. Why in the world are you calling me?”
Sophia laughed. “Well, hello to you too.”
“Sorry, I was just so shocked to hear from you.” Joy let up on the teasing. “Everything okay?”
“Oh, yeah. Great, in fact. Italy is absolutely breathtaking. There’s so much history here in Rome.”
“I can’t wait to hear all about it. When it’s over. Does your husband know you called me? I’m surprised he doesn’t want you all to himself right now.”
A man with Oliver’s build walked toward her, a leashed dog beside him. The terrier barked at Joy as they passed.
She sped up.
“It was his idea.” Joy could picture Sophia sticking out her tongue in that playful way that only her closest friends ever saw. “I know we’ve texted a bit, but I have a few minutes before we head out to dinner and wanted to check in. How’s your mom? How are you?”
Joy released a breath and some tension from her shoulders with it. “Mom’s doing good, actually. Much better than I thought she’d be. In terms of the pneumonia, anyway.” The confusion seemed to be at an all-time high—or maybe Joy had just forgotten in her nearly two-week absence how bad things really were. So far, Mom hadn’t recognized her once since she’d come home. It had been all Joy could do not to break down at the polite distance in her eyes. “And me . . . well, I’m hanging in there. Dad decided to move them into that assisted living and memory care facility once Mom’s released from rehab, so I’m currently devising ways to convince him that he’s making a mistake.”
Her friend grew silent on the other end for a few moments before speaking again. “Is he, though?”
“Soph, we’ve talked about this.”
“I know, but . . .” Sophia sighed. “Never mind. Have you gotten any job leads?”
“No.” The temptation not to tell the whole truth came and went. “To be honest, I unsubscribed from the job alerts.”
“Why?”
“I can’t pretend that my reasoning is entirely well thought out. It may have occurred yesterday after my dad told me his decision.” She’d been so emotional, so determined to do her part in clinging to the future she knew to be right.
“Ah.”
“Don’t ‘ah’ me.”
“Like you haven’t had many, many occasions to ‘ah’ me over the years.”
“Older, wiser, remember?” Joy stood aside for a mom pushing a double-wide stroller along the path. The woman thanked her, and Joy continued on her way to, well, wherever she was going.
A metaphor for her life, perhaps?
“Joy, in all seriousness, though . . . how are you feeling about being there? About leaving England?”
The question hung between them for longer than it should have. But Joy simply didn’t have an answer. “I’m trying not to think about it.”
“That won’t work for long.”
“I know.” She spied an unoccupied bench and stopped walking. Sliding onto it, Joy stared out across the river. A kayak glided by, paddles piercing the sparkling water. “How was he?”
“Oliver?”
“Yeah.”
“You sure you want to know?”
“No. And yes.” Her teeth nipped the inside of her lower lip, and the metallic taste of blood collided with her tongue.
“He was devastated, Joy. He couldn’t believe . . .”
“That I didn’t say goodbye?”
“Yes. And, I think, that it was really over.” Sophia exhaled. “I know you told him you didn’t see a future together. But I think he hoped you’d change your mind somehow.”
“But I had to leave.”
“Except . . .”
Joy straightened. “Except what?”
“Well, your mom was actually okay, right?”
“I didn’t know that at the time.” She sounded defensive, yes, but really. After all that Joy had been through with her mom, Sophia had no right to doubt her decisions.
“True—and I would have probably done the same thing. It’s just that . . .”
�
��Spit it out, Sophia.” Oh, hostility wasn’t a good look on her, but in a way, it felt good. “How would you have handled your mom being sick? I know it’s hard to imagine since she’s never had any health-related issues, but please, tell me how I should have behaved.”
The quiet on the other end told Joy she’d gone too far.
“I’m sorry, friend. I know you love me.” She groaned and closed her eyes momentarily as she massaged her forehead. “What were you trying to get through my thick skull?”
“I do love you, and that’s the only reason I’m saying this.” Sophia’s voice shook.
Joy had spoken to her friend on the phone enough to know she was on the verge of tears. Guilt welled up in her throat.
“I’m just wondering if you being there with your mom has actually done anything to help her recover more quickly.”
The gentle words carried with them a force that left Joy feeling slapped. “I guess not but it’s only been a day. And even if it hasn’t helped her, it’s helped me to be close. Being away from her right now would be torture.”
“Why, though?”
What was Sophia getting at? “Because I love her.”
“Of course you do. That’s not the issue. That’s never been the issue. You love more fiercely and more completely than anyone I know. You hear someone you love is in trouble and make a snap decision to drop everything and help them.”
“And there’s something wrong with that?”
“No. But I think you sometimes assume that you’re the only one who can help.”
“That’s not true.” Right? “I just have a lot less going on than other people. More time available to help. No spouse, kids . . .”
“Is that why you couldn’t let yourself accept the possibility of something with Oliver? Because you’d have to sacrifice the ability to help others? Do you think that just because I’m married now means I no longer can be there for those I love?”
“Of course not.”
“Then maybe fear is what really stopped you from being with him.”
“You have no idea how much it killed me to walk away from him.” Joy couldn’t sit anymore. She hopped up and pumped her legs as she headed back toward the nursing facility. Sophia’s words—however lovingly spoken—pummeled her. But no matter how quickly she moved, she couldn’t outrun them. “What do I have to be afraid of? The worst has already happened. I lost him.”
“I’m so sorry, friend. I’m not trying to add to your pain.”
“I know.” Joy swallowed a few sobs. Ugh, she was so tired of crying. The last year had probably produced more tears than all the rest of her life combined.
“But think about it. It’s less scary to choose your parents over Oliver. There’s no risk of potential heartbreak. And you figure you have the backing of the Bible, right? The idea of ‘putting others before yourself’? You don’t even have to consider whether you made the right decision because it’s ultimately God’s will for us to help others.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Yes, but I think sometimes God wants us to be stretched. To choose the thing that’s frightening and unsure. To live boldly. To take a chance on the unknown.”
“I understand that. I do. But I can’t just abandon my parents, even if Dad wants me to.”
“It’s not abandoning them to have a job and a relationship. And it’s what your parents want. Don’t they get a say in their own lives? Or do you think that you know better than them?”
Joy opened her mouth to protest, but stopped herself—because yes, without realizing it, that’s exactly what she’d thought.
“And besides all of that, don’t you trust God to take care of those you love without you?”
Joy huffed into the phone, her breath coming in short bursts as the questions drilled closer and closer to her heart. “I don’t know, Sophia. I don’t know anything anymore.”
Except she did.
Joy Beckman knew two things—that she loved her parents with all her heart and that, if given the chance, she could feel love of a different sort for Oliver Lincoln.
Two hours later, Sophia’s words still rattled around in her brain. Don’t you trust God to take care of those you love without you?
Joy sat in the wooden chair next to Mom’s bed while she slept, laptop balanced on her propped legs. The cursor hovered over the Subscribe button. Should she sign up for job alerts again? Stop fighting Dad’s decision? Willingly and graciously give up her role as Mom’s caregiver?
For so long, she’d known her place. Was God asking something different of her now?
Without making a decision, Joy groaned and shut her laptop then glanced at Mom. She had more color in her cheeks and was already coughing less than she’d been the day before—and apparently a lot less than earlier this week. Everything she’d seen indicated that the nursing staff had done a fabulous job of caring for Mom in Joy’s absence.
Mom’s eyes drifted open as Joy contemplated Sophia’s words further. Joy shouldn’t stare at her—her mother tended to get flustered under others’ watchful gazes if she was having a less lucid moment when she awakened—but she couldn’t help it.
“Hi, sweetie. Why the long face?”
Sweetie. Did Mom recognize her at last? Joy swallowed the lump in her throat and put her laptop aside. “It’s nothing, Mom. How are you feeling?”
At Mom’s push of a button, the bed lifted to sit her upright. “Much better, I think.”
“You seem like it.” Joy snagged Mom’s cup off her movable side table. “Here’s some water.”
“Thank you.” Mom took it from her hand and sipped through the tiny straw. “What were you doing on the computer? Something for work?”
It wasn’t worth it anymore to point out her mother’s lapses in memory. “Kind of.”
“How was the wedding, dear? You haven’t shown me photos yet.”
Actually, she had, but Joy grabbed her phone anyway and swung her chair closer to Mom.
“Why don’t you climb up here with me? It’ll be easier to see them.”
“Really?” The last time she’d snuggled in bed with her mom, it hadn’t been two minutes before Mom had freaked out about a stranger lying next to her. But in this moment, Joy craved the closeness. “Okay.” She settled into the spot beside Mom then navigated her phone to photos of her time in Port Willis.
Just like she had the day before, she flipped through the photos, skipping quickly over one of her and Oliver in front of Sophia’s Christmas tree. Oliver had plopped a Santa hat onto Joy’s head, taken her phone, and kissed her cheek while snapping the selfie. The goofy grin on Joy’s face said more than words ever could.
“Who was that?”
“Uh, no one.”
Mom looked down her nose pointedly at Joy. “Sweetie, that wasn’t no one. That was an attractive man giving my daughter a kiss. One she seemed to enjoy very much.”
My daughter . . . The words were sweeter than any of the treats Ginny had made last week. If only this moment could last forever. “It doesn’t matter, Mom.” Joy leaned her head on Mom’s shoulder and inhaled the scent of her eucalyptus mint shampoo. Being here, with her—that’s what mattered most.
“Of course it does.”
Joy couldn’t hold in the tears any longer.
Instantly, Mom wrapped her thin arms around her daughter, and Joy clung to her, burying her face in Mom’s embrace. No longer was she a forty-two-year-old woman, but a little girl with a scraped elbow, a middle schooler who’d been teased, a teen who’d failed. Regardless of how much Mom forgot about her life and who she was, no matter how feeble and withdrawn she became, she’d always be the wiper of tears, the encourager of dreams, and the best woman Joy knew.
Joy would keep holding onto that and to moments like these—when Mom was just Mom.
“Shh, there, there, baby. Whatever it is, nothing’s so bad the sun won’t shine tomorrow.”
“But it is, Mom. It is.” And the entire story poured from Joy’s soul—every last de
tail, even the ones she probably should have filtered out. But she didn’t know how to be the one taking care of her mom anymore. And perhaps it was selfish, but right now, she wanted someone to take care of her.
“Oh, my darling girl.” Mom pulled back so she could look into Joy’s eyes. Hers were shining too. “I never should have allowed you to move home.”
“I didn’t give you much choice. And I wanted to be near you.”
Snagging a tissue off her side table, Mom used it to dab the moisture from Joy’s cheeks. “Ultimately, that’s why I let it happen. I knew I was drifting away from you little by little, and I wanted any time with you that I had left. But now I see how selfish I’ve been.”
“You’ve never been selfish a day in your life.”
“Well, that’s a load and we both know it.” Mom chuckled. “You have always been an example to me of selflessness.”
“Me?” That couldn’t possibly be true. She curled once more against Mom. This could all end at any second, and she wanted to soak up every bit of Mom she could before she left Joy again.
“Yes, you. You’ve always been my little helper, and I’ve taken it for granted that you would be there if I needed you.” Mom gripped the tissue. “But I never wanted you to do so at the expense of your heart. Love is a gift, my darling. Don’t chase it unnecessarily, but if it finds you, hold on tight. That is not a selfish thing to do. Frightening? Oh, yes. But not selfish.”
“What we’re feeling for each other—it’s rare. And it’s a gift.” Oliver’s voice resonated in her heart.
Joy shook her head. “I’ve only known him for a few weeks.”
“Love has grown in far less time than that. I only knew your father for a day or so before I realized he was the one for me. Of course, I didn’t tell him that, and he didn’t tell me he loved me until months later. But I knew early on.”
Joy had always written off that notion, called it silly. Now, though . . . “But how do we overcome the real obstacle of living in two places?”
“Have faith. If God is calling you to this, if he is giving you this blessing, then he will make a way. You don’t have to see what that way is to believe it exists.”
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