“I don’t know. Probably not, though. Without Steven it just doesn’t seem possible. I just need to find some steady work and try to let go of that dream.”
“I understand. Don’t be afraid to start dreaming new dreams, though. You were really good at your job, Liz. And it made you happy. You should always hold onto the things that make you most happy.”
After Kathy and Lincoln decided to head home, I fumbled with the locks on my front door that Steven and I were supposed to have changed months before. With a yawn, I headed toward my bedroom and stood in the doorway. The bed was perfectly made, and I hadn’t found the strength to enter the room yet. It seemed almost like a betrayal to crawl into the bed and close my eyes without him beside me.
One breath.
One step.
I walked in and went to the closet, opening it wide. All of Steven’s clothes hung on the hangers, and my fingers brushed against them before I started shaking. Taking all of the clothes off the hangers, I tossed them on the ground, tears burning the back of my eyes. I opened his drawers and pulled out the rest of his items. Jeans, T-shirts, workout clothes, boxers. Every single article of clothing Steven owned found its way to the ground.
I lay in the pile, rolling through his slight scent, which I pretended was still there. I whispered his name, as if he could hear me, and I hugged the thought of him kissing me and holding me in his arms. The tears of my pained heart released on the sleeve of Steven’s favorite T-shirt, and I fell more and more into my sorrow. My cries were wild and thick with ache, like a creature in indescribable pain. Everything hurt. Everything was broken. As the minutes went by, I grew more and more exhausted from my own feelings. The profound tranquility of my dreadful seclusion took me away into a deep sleep.
When I opened my eyes, it was still dark outside. A beautiful little girl and her Bubba were lying beside me, with a tiny part of her blanket resting over her body, and the rest covering me. Every time a moment like this one appeared, I felt a little like my mother. I remembered taking care of her when I should’ve been a child myself. It wasn’t fair for Emma. She needs me. I snuggled in closer to her, kissed her forehead, and promised myself I wouldn’t fall apart anymore.
4
Elizabeth
The next morning, Kathy and Lincoln showed up bright and early to pick up Emma for their weekend adventures. Right as I was about to walk out of my house, I heard pounding on my front door. Opening it, I pasted on my biggest fake smile as I stared at three women who lived on my block—three women I hadn’t missed one bit. “Marybeth, Susan, Erica, hi.”
I should’ve known it wouldn’t be long before the three most dramatic and gossipy women in town were standing on my porch. “Oh, Liz,” Marybeth gasped, pulling me into a hug. “How are you doing, darling? We heard rumors that you were coming back into town, but you know us, we hate gossip, so we had to see for ourselves.”
“I made you a meatloaf!” Erica exclaimed. “After Steven died, you left so fast that I wasn’t able to make you any comfort food, so now I was finally able to make you this meatloaf to help you mourn.”
“Thanks, ladies. I was actually just on my way out to—”
“How’s Emma handling everything?” Susan cut in. “Is she dealing? My Rachel was asking about her and wondering if they can have their play dates again, which would be great.” She paused and leaned in. “But, just to be clear, Emma’s not suffering from depression, is she? I hear that can be quite contagious with other kids.”
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I smiled. “Oh no, Emma’s good. We’re good. Everything’s good.”
“So you’ll be back at our book club meetings? Every Wednesday at Marybeth’s. The kids stay in the basement playing while we chat it up about a novel. This week we’re reading Pride and Prejudice.”
“I—” …really don’t want to go. Their eyes zoned in on me, and I knew if I said no, I would be causing myself more trouble than it was worth. Plus, it would be nice for Emma to be around other girls her age. “I’ll be there.”
“Perfect!” Marybeth’s eyes glanced around the yard. “Your yard has quite a personality.” She said it with a grin, but what it really meant was, ‘When are you cutting your grass? You’re embarrassing all of us.’
“I’m working on it,” I explained. I took the meatloaf from Erica and placed it inside before hurrying out and locking my door, trying my best to give them the signal that I was on my way out. “Well, thanks for stopping by, ladies. I better get going into town.”
“Oh? What are you doing in town?” Marybeth questioned.
“I’m actually looking to see if Matty needs an extra hand at Savory & Sweet.”
“Even though they just hired someone? I doubt they’ll have room to add you on,” Erica explained.
“Oh, so the rumors were true that you aren’t starting up your company again? It makes sense that you wouldn’t, without Steven,” Marybeth said.
Susan nodded in agreement. “He was quite the business man. And I know you only had the interior design degree. It must be sad to go from something so great to something so…mundane, like being a waitress. I know I couldn’t do it. What a step backward.”
Screw you, screw you, screw you. I smiled. “Well, we’ll see. It was great running into you. I’m sure we’ll see each other soon enough.”
“Wednesday at seven!” Susan smirked.
Pushing myself past them, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes as I listened to them whisper about how it looked like I’d gained a few pounds and how heavy the bags under my eyes were.
I walked toward Savory & Sweet Café, and I tried my best to shake the nerves. What if they didn’t need any help in the café? What would I do to make money? Steven’s parents told me not to worry about those kinds of things, saying they would help us out for a while, but I couldn’t help it. I needed to find a way to stand on my own. Pushing open the door to the café, I smiled when I heard the loud shout from behind the counter.
“Please tell me I’m not dreaming and my best friend is back!” Faye screamed, leaping over the counter and tackling me in a bear hug. She didn’t let me go and turned to Matty, the owner of the shop. “Matty, tell me you’re seeing this too and I’m not just screwed up from the crazy amount of drugs I took before coming to work.”
“She’s really there, crazy.” He smirked. Matty was an older guy, and the way he dealt with Faye’s loud, vibrant personality was normally with eye rolls and smirks. His brown eyes locked with mine and he nodded once. “Good to see you, Liz.”
Faye snuggled her head against my breasts, as if they were her pillow. “Now that you’re here you can never, ever, ever leave again.” Faye was beautiful in all the perfect, unique ways. She had silver-dyed hair—unique for a twenty-seven-year-old age—with strands of pinks and purples running through it. Her nails were always dressed with vibrant colors, and her dresses always hugged her curves in all the right places. The thing that made her so beautiful, though, was her confidence. Faye knew she was stunning, and she also knew that it had not one thing to do with her looks. Her feeling of pride for herself came from within; she didn’t need the approval of anyone else whatsoever.
I envied that in her.
“Well, I actually came in to see if you guys were currently hiring. I know I haven’t worked here since college, but I could use the work.”
“Of course we are hiring! Hey, you, Sam!” Faye said, pointing to a server I didn’t know. “You’re fired.”
“Faye!” I shouted.
“What?!”
“You can’t just fire people,” I scolded, seeing the fear in Sam’s eyes. Poor guy. “You’re not really fired,” I said.
“Oh, yes you are.”
“Shut up, Faye. No, you’re not. How could you even fire people?”
She stood up tall and tapped against her nametag, which read ‘manager’. “Someone had to step into the role of management, woman.”
I turned to Matty, a bit of shock in my stare. “You made Faye a
manager?”
“I think she drugged me.” He laughed. “But if you really need some work, we always have room for you. It might just be part-time.”
“Part-time would be great, really, anything.” I smiled at Matty, thanking him.
“Or, we could fire Sam,” Faye offered. “He already has another part-time job! Plus, he’s kind of creepy.”
“I can hear you,” Sam said, shyly.
“It doesn’t matter if you can hear me, you’re fired.”
“We aren’t firing Sam,” Matty said.
“You’re no fun. But you know what is fun?!” She took off her apron and yelled, “Lunch break!”
“It’s nine-thirty in the morning,” Matty scolded.
“Breakfast break!” Faye corrected, pulling me by the arm. “We’ll be back in about an hour.”
“Breaks are thirty minutes.”
“I’m sure Sam will cover my tables. Sam, you’re no longer fired.”
“You were never fired, Sam.” Matty smiled. “One hour, Faye. Liz, make sure to have her back on time or she’ll be the one who’s fired.”
“Is that so?” Faye asked, placing her hands on her hips, almost…flirtatiously? Matty smirked at her, his eyes traveling over her body almost…sexually?
What the…?
We walked out of the building, Faye’s arm linked with mine, confusion about the odd interaction between her and Matty still clouding my thoughts. “What was that?” I asked, arching an eyebrow in Faye’s direction.
“What was what?”
“That,” I said, pointing back toward Matty. “The little sexually intense tango you two just performed?” She didn’t reply, but she began chewing on her bottom lip. “Oh my God… You slept with Matty?!”
“Shut the hell up! Do you want the whole town to know?” She blushed, looking around. “It was an accident.”
“Oh? Was it? Was it an accident? Were you casually walking down Main Street and then Matty started walking toward you and his penis accidentally tumbled out of his pants? Then did a strong whoosh of wind pass through, knocking said penis into your vagina? Was it that kind of accident?” I mocked.
“Not exactly like that.” She pushed her tongue against the inside of her cheek. “The wind kind of pushed the penis toward my mouth first.”
“OH MY GOSH, FAYE!”
“I know! I know! This is why people shouldn’t go out on windy days. The penises are on rampage on the windy days.”
“I cannot believe you right now. He’s like twice your age.”
“What can I say? I have daddy issues.”
“What are you talking about? Your dad’s amazing,” I said.
“Exactly. No guy our age could ever live up to that! But Matty…” She sighed. “I think I like him.”
That was shocking. Faye never used the word ‘like’ when it came to a guy. She was the biggest womanwhore I’d ever met. “What do you mean you like him?” I asked, my voice soaked with hope that my friend was finally planning on settling down.
“Whoa, slow your roll there, Nicholas Sparks. What I mean is, I like the dick. I even gave it a nickname. Do you want to hear it?”
“For the love of everything good in the world, no.”
“Oh, I’m going to tell you.”
“Faye.” I sighed.
“Fatty Matty,” she said, her wolfish grin growing deep.
“You know what, these kinds of things you don’t have to share with me. Ever. Like, never ever.”
“I’m talking like two bratwursts combined kind of Fatty Matty. It’s almost as if the sausage god is finally listening to my prayers. Remember Pinky Peter, and Unclipped Nick? Well, this is so much better! Fatty Matty is the promised land of sausages.”
“There’s seriously vomit rising up from my gut. So if you would please stop talking.”
She laughed and pulled me closer to her. “Gosh, I missed you. So, what do you say? Should we head to our regular hangout location?”
“Oh, most definitely.”
As we walked for a few blocks, Faye had me laughing each and every moment, and I wondered why I’d stayed away for so long. Maybe a part of me felt guilty knowing that if I stuck around, I would slowly start feeling better, and the idea of feeling better was kind of terrifying to me. But right then laughing felt like exactly what I needed. When I laughed, I didn’t have much time to cry, and I was so tired of the tears.
“It’s kind of weird being here without Emma,” Faye said, sitting on the teeter-totter at the playground. We were surrounded by kids with their parents and nannies, running around and playing while we went up and down on the teeter-totter. One kid stared at us as if we were insane for hanging out at a kids’ playground, but Faye was quick to scream at him, “Never grow up, kid! It’s a goddamn trap!”
She was so ridiculous all the time.
“So, how long has this thing with Matty been going on?” I asked.
She blushed. “I don’t know, like a month. Or two.”
“Two months?”
“Maybe seven. Or eight.”
“Eight?! What? We’ve been talking every day. How has this not come up?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “You were going through so much with Steven, you know? And it seemed kind of heartless to talk to you about my sexlationship.” Faye never had relationships, but she was a pro at sexlationships. “My shit was small, yours was…” She frowned and stopped pushing on the teeter-totter, leaving me hanging high in the air. There weren’t many moments when Faye grew serious, but Steven had been like a brother to her. They’d fought and bickered more than any pair of siblings I’d ever met, and they’d cared for one another so much. She’d actually introduced us to one another during college. They’d known each other since the fifth grade and were the best of friends. I hadn’t really seen her eyes grow sad since he’d passed away, but I was almost certain that they did often. I was probably living in my own world of despair, missing the fact that my best friend had also lost her best nonrelated-brother. She cleared her throat, giving me a tight smile. “My shit was small, Liz. Yours wasn’t.”
She pushed up into the air. “Well, I want you to always feel like you can tell me everything, Faye. I want to know all about the wild old man sexcapades you’re having. Plus, there’s nothing about your life that’s small. I mean, for the love of God, look at your boobs.”
She laughed wildly, tossing her head back. When Faye laughed, the whole universe felt her happiness. “I know! These tits are no joke.”
“We should probably get you back to work before you’re fired,” I suggested.
“If he fired me, he would be hiring blue balls into his life.”
“Faye.” I blushed, looking around at all the people staring our way. “You need a filter.”
“Filters are for cigarettes, not for humans, Liz,” she joked. We started walking back toward the café, her arm linked with mine, our footsteps matching each other’s. “I’m happy you’re kind of back, Liz,” Faye whispered, laying her head on my shoulder.
“Kind of back? What do you mean? I’m here, I’m back.”
She looked up at me with a knowing smile. “Not yet. But soon enough, you’ll get there, babycakes.”
The way she could see my hurt under the surface was remarkable. I pulled her closer to me, certain I wouldn’t let her go any time soon.
5
Elizabeth
“Liz, you have some nerve leaving like you and Emma did without even giving me a call!” Mama scolded me through the telephone. Emma and I had been back in our house for two days and Mama was just now calling me. It was either because she was upset with me for only leaving her a note, or because she’d been off running around town with some stranger and had just now returned home after all that time.
I was leaning toward the second option.
“I’m sorry, but you knew we were planning on leaving… We needed a new start,” I tried to explain.
“A new start in your old house? That doesn’t m
ake much sense.”
I didn’t expect her to understand, so I changed the subject. “How was dinner with Roger?”
“Richard,” she scolded. “Don’t pretend like you don’t remember his name. And it was amazing. I think he could be the one.”
I rolled my eyes. Each guy she saw was the one—until they weren’t.
“Are you rolling your eyes at me?” Mama asked.
“No.”
“You are, aren’t you?! You’re so disrespectful sometimes.”
“Mama, I need to get to work,” I lied. “Is it okay if I call you back later?”
Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe next week.
I just need space.
“Fine. But don’t forget who was there for you when you had no one, baby girl. Sure, Steven’s parents are probably helping you now, but there’s going to come a point when you realize who your real family is, and who isn’t.”
I’d never been so thankful to end a phone call.
Sometimes I stood in the backyard and stared out into the wild bushes and tall grass, trying to remember what it had used to look like. Steven had made the place beautiful. He’d always had an eye for details when it came to landscaping, and I could almost imagine the smell of the flowers he’d planted, which were now all dead.
“Close your eyes,” Steven whispered, walking up to me with his hands behind his back. I did as he said. “Name this flower,” he said. The smell hit my nose and I smiled.
“Hyacinth.”
I smiled wider when I felt his lips kiss mine. “Hyacinth,” he echoed. My eyes opened. He placed the flower behind my ear. “I was thinking of planting a few by the pond in the backyard.”
The Elements Series Complete Box Set Page 4