I chewed on my bottom lip, taking in all of his words, all of his thoughts. I wanted to believe him, and I thought a big part of me truly did understand his words. But another part of me, buried deep inside my soul, felt the guilt. Jamie deserved more. For me to even consider loving someone else after such a short period of time was selfish. “I don’t know how to do it. I don’t truly know how to truly love Lizzie seeing how I never said goodbye to my past.”
“You’re going back to say goodbye?”
“I think I’m going back to learn to breathe again.”
Mr. Henson frowned, but said he understood. “If you ever need a place to rest your head and a friend to call on, I’ll be here.”
“Good,” I said, pulling him into a hug. “And if you ever sell your shop to some asshole, I’ll be back here to fight it tooth and nail.”
He snickered. “Deal.”
I opened the front door, listening to the bell rang overhead for the last time. “You’ll watch after them? Emma and Lizzie?”
“I’ll make sure their tea and cocoa is never too hot.”
After we said goodbye, I headed out of the shop, jumped into my car, and started driving with Zeus. We drove for hours. I wasn’t certain where I was going, or if I even had a place to go, but mindless driving made sense to me right then.
I pulled up to the house after three in the morning, and their porch light was still on. As a kid, I’d stayed out past curfew way too often and had made life a living hell for them. Despite that, Mom always kept the porch light on to let me know that they were still waiting for me to arrive back home.
“What do you say, boy? You say we go in?” I asked Zeus, who was curled up in the passenger seat of the car, wagging his tail. “Okay. Let’s go in.”
Once I stood on the porch, I knocked a total of five times before I heard the door unlock. Dad and Mom stood there in their pajamas staring at me, almost as if they were seeing a ghost. I cleared my throat. “Look, I know I’ve been a shit son this past year. I know I disappeared and didn’t say a word. I know I’ve been lost and wandering around in my mind trying to find my way. I know I said some terrible things before I left, blaming you for what happened. But I…” My hand brushed over my mouth before I stuffed my hands into my jeans pockets. I started kicking around the invisible rocks on the ground. “I was just wondering if I could stay here for a while. Because, I’m still lost. I’m still wandering. But I don’t think I can do it alone anymore. I just need…um…I just need my mom and dad for a while, if that’s okay.”
They stepped onto the porch, wrapping their arms around me.
Home.
They welcomed me home.
38
Elizabeth
“What do you mean he left?” I asked Mr. Henson. My hands gripped the railing of the countertop in his shop as he stood making me a cup of tea on Friday afternoon. I’d just dropped Emma off at her grandparents’ house for their sleepover, and seeing how I hadn’t seen or heard from Tristan in a few days, I was at my breaking point. I needed to talk to him, or at least know that he was okay.
“He left two days ago. I’m sorry, Liz.” Mr. Henson’s bubbly personality was gone, which scared me.
“When will he be back?”
Silence.
My hands landed against my hips and I tapped my shoe against the wooden floor. “Well, where did he go?”
“I don’t know, Liz.”
I chuckled, nerves and worry building inside of me. “He won’t answer my calls.”My jaw shook as tears formed in my eyes. My shoulders rose and fell. “He won’t answer my calls.”
“Honey, you both have been through so much. And I know this has to be hard for you…”
“No. Not for me. I mean, I can deal with him not answering my calls. I can deal with him ignoring me. But I have a five-year-old wondering where Tick and Zeus are. She’s wondering where her two friends went. She’s asking why Zeus hasn’t been over to play catch or why Tristan hasn’t been reading to her at night. So yes, I’m sad that he’s not talking to me, but I am beyond pissed off that he left Emma like that, without a word, without a thought. I’m pissed off that she’s been crying because she misses them. And it is breaking my heart that I cannot even tell her where he is or if he’s coming back. He said he would fight for us, but when it came down to it, he didn’t even try.” My voice crackled. “She deserves better.”
He reached his hand out and placed it on top of mine. A slight wave of comfort flew through me. “You all deserve better than this.”
“Okay, I better get going. Just, if you hear from him…” My words faded off. I wasn’t certain if I wanted Mr. Henson to tell Tristan to come back or to go to hell. So I left the shop with a clouded mind.
That night, I was in bed before ten. Not sleeping, but just staring at the ceiling in my darkened room. I turned on my side and stared at the emptied space next to me. When I received a call from Kathy saying that Emma wanted to come home early that night, I would’ve been lying if I said I wasn’t pleased.
When she came back, she lay beside me in my bed. I read her a few chapters from Charlotte’s Webb in my best zombie voice, and her giggles reminded me of the important things.
After the story, we were both on our side, facing one another. I kissed the top of her nose, and she kissed mine.
“Mama?” she said.
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, babe.”
“Mama?” she said once more.
“Yes?”
“Tick’s zombie voice was good, but I like yours better.” She yawned and shut her eyes. I combed my fingers through her wild, blonde hair as she began to lose herself to sleep.
“Mama…?” she whispered for the final time that night.
“Yes?”
“I miss Zeus and Tick.”
I snuggled beside her, falling asleep only a few minutes after she did. I didn’t say it to her, but I missed them too.
So, so much.
The next morning, I shot up from my bed at the sound of a shovel scraping against the sidewalk outside of my house. “Tristan…” I murmured to myself, tossing on my robe and slippers, hurrying to the front of the house. When I opened the door, the small bit of hope I held was demolished when I saw Tanner standing on my sidewalk, getting rid of the freshly fallen snow.
“What are you doing?” I asked, crossing my arms.
He looked up at me with an upside-down smile and shrugged. “I wanted to stop by and see how you and Emma were doing.” He stopped shoveling and rested his chin against the handle bar. “Plus, I’m pretty positive you’re mad at me.”
I huffed.
Mad?
I was beyond mad—I was livid.
“You had no right to tell Tristan about the accident.” My eyes tried to lock with his. Maybe if he stared into my eyes he could see how much he hurt me. Maybe if he stared into my eyes, he could see how he ruined things for Tristan and me. Don’t you feel bad at all?
He wouldn’t meet my stare. His eyes faltered to the ground, and he kicked snow around with his boots. “I thought you’d already told him.”
“Tanner, you knew I didn’t. I don’t know what your deal is lately. Is this all because I wouldn’t go out on a date with you? Is this because you were embarrassed? I’ve been playing it over and over in my head as to why you would do something so heartless and nothing is coming to mind. I literally cannot understand why you would do this to me.”
The palm of his hand ran across his mouth, and he muttered something.
“What?” I asked. “Speak up.”
He didn’t.
I walked down the steps on the porch and stood in front of him. “You’ve been in my life for years, Tanner. You were at my wedding. You are the godfather to my daughter. You held me at my husband’s funeral. So if there’s a reason you are acting weird, if there is a reason you broke Tristan and me up, then tell me. Because if there is a real, legit reason for why you don’t think I should be
with him, then maybe I can get over this feeling inside of me. Maybe I could figure out a way to look at you and not feel sick to my stomach.”
“You wouldn’t understand,” he said with his head still lowered.
“Try me.”
“But—”
“Tanner!”
“God dammit, I love you, Elizabeth!” he shouted, finally finding my stare. His words hit me hard, making me stumble backward as my heart stopped beating for a moment. He dropped his shovel, and then tossed his hands up in defeat. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for years. Since I’ve first met you. I hid my feelings for so long because my best friend loved you too. And you loved him. I stood by never speaking a word because I knew if there was anyone else worthy of your love it was Steven. But after he died…” He started in my direction and combed my fallen hairs behind my ears. “I didn’t plan to want you as much as I did once you came back to town. I buried my feelings down deep. But then, this Tristan guy came along and I sat behind the scenes once more, watching someone else make you laugh, someone else make you happy, someone else loving you.
“So each day, I grew jealous. Each day I wanted you to want me. I wanted your laughs, your smiles, you. I wanted you, Liz. So, I tried to rip Tristan and you apart. I know it was a shitty thing to do, and I know I cannot begin to ask for you to forgive me but…” He sighed and laced his fingers with mine. “I just love you so damn much and I’m not sure if my heart can take not having you.”
His fingers were linked with mine, but instead of the warmth that Steven had always brought me, instead of the tenderness that Tristan supplied my way, I only felt coldness. Holding Tanner’s hand made me feel more alone than ever.
“You deliberately broke us up,” I said flabbergasted. I dropped his hold on me and then ran my hands through my hair. “You literally interfered in my life, in my choices, because you love me?”
“He’s not right for you.”
I shook my head. “You don’t get to decide that.”
“He would’ve hurt you. He’s a monster, I know he is. And look at what happened at the first sign of trouble, he disappeared. I wouldn’t leave you, Liz. I would fight for you.”
“Maybe you should, though.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Maybe I should what? Maybe I should fight for you? I will, I promise you, I will.”
“No.” I crossed my arms, standing tall. “Maybe you should leave.”
“Lizzie…”
“Don’t,” I hissed, my voice stinging his ears. “Don’t call me that. You’re insane if you think I would want anything to do with you. When you love someone, you don’t go out of your way to hurt them. When you truly love someone, you want their happiness more than your own. Tristan isn’t the monster, Tanner. You’re the one people should be worried about. You’re sick. Delusional. Now, leave me alone. Don’t come back to my house. If you see me in town, look the other way. Because I truly want nothing to do with you.”
“You don’t mean that.” His body was shaking, and all the color drained from his face. I began to walk up my porch steps, still listening to his shouts. “You don’t mean that, Liz! You’re mad, but we’ll be okay. We’ll be okay, right?”
Once my feet hit the inside of the house, I slammed the door, and leaned against it. My heart was pounding against my ribcage, and I continued to listen to Tanner yelling outside about how we would figure things out—how we would be okay.
But we wouldn’t.
The only way I would be okay was if I never saw his face again.
39
Tristan
Weeks passed after I left Meadows Creek, followed by months. I spent most of my time in my parents’ backyard, chopping wood and carving into it. I built things with my hands because building felt like the only thing I had left of myself.
When May came around, I was still thinking of Elizabeth. I was still missing Emma. I was still learning how to say goodbye to Jamie. I still wanted Charlie back. I hadn’t known it was possible to lose my world twice in such a short period of time.
“Tristan,” Mom said, stepping onto her back porch. “You want to come in for dinner?”
“Nah, I’m good.”
She frowned. “Okay.”
My hand rested against the axe in my grip, and I lowered my head. “Actually, I think I’ll eat.”
The level of excitement that overtook her almost made me smile. Even though I knew I wasn’t anywhere near hungry, the joy it brought to her made me want to stuff my face. Mom had been through so much since the accident. I couldn’t imagine the amount of blame she probably placed on herself, the number of daily struggles she dealt with from knowing she had been behind the steering wheel, and I hadn’t made it any easier for her.
The least I could do was sit down and have dinner with her and Dad.
“Are you thinking of selling the house in Meadows Creek?” Dad asked.
“I don’t know. Probably. I’ll start all of that stuff next week or something.”
“If you need any help, let me know. I don’t know much about selling a house, but I can Google better than most people my age,” he joked.
I laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
When I glanced up, I saw Mom staring my way with that same frown she’d worn outside. I shifted in my seat. “Dinner’s great,” I said, complimenting her skills.
She kept looking sad. “Thanks.”
“What’s wrong?” I questioned, rubbing the back of my neck.
“You’re just… What happened to you? You seem so heartbroken.”
“I’m okay.”
“You’re not.”
Dad cleared his throat and gave Mom a stern look. “Come on, Mary. Give him time.”
“I know, I know. It’s just, I’m a mother, and the worst feeling in the world is knowing your child is hurting and you can’t fix that hurt.”
I reached out across the table and gripped her hand in mine. “I’m not okay. But I’ll get there.”
“Promise?” she asked.
“Promise.”
I hadn’t stopped by the cemetery since I’d returned to town. I spent a few too many hours in my car, trying my best to figure out what I was supposed to do with my life. How I was supposed to move forward. When I found myself sitting parked in front of the cemetery, I felt my stomach tighten into knots. It took everything in me to get out of the car and walk.
I hadn’t been there since the burial. Standing in front of Jamie’s and Charlie’s tombstones made my eyes fill with tears as I lay flowers against them.
“Hey, you guys. Sorry I haven’t visited. Truth is I was trying my best to run from you, because I didn’t know how to live without you. I abandoned you and went searching for a replacement. For someone who didn’t even exist, because I couldn’t imagine not having a family anymore. I couldn’t imagine living in a world where you both weren’t. I don’t know how to do this without you. I don’t know how to exist…so just tell me what to do. Please. I’m so fucking lost. I don’t think I can do this without you.” My heart pounded against my chest as I slid down to the ground, finally allowing myself to feel the loss of Jamie and Charlie. They were my world. Charlie was my heart, and Jamie was my soul, and I’d let them down by turning away from them both. By not mourning their memory the way they deserved. “Please wake me up. Wake me up. Wake me up and tell me I’m stronger than I think I am. Wake me up and tell me my heart isn’t breaking anymore.”
I stayed with them until the sun began to set. My arms were wrapped around my kneecaps, and I stayed still, staring at the words on the stones. Missing people, missing the ones who knew you better than you knew yourself left emptiness inside of you. I tried to fill that emptiness, but maybe it was supposed to be left hollow inside my heart.
Each day, I felt the hurt, the memories. Each day, they both crossed my mind; I guessed that was the blessing behind the broken heart.
“If I could tell you a secret, Jamie, I would tell you that I still love her. I w
ould tell you that Elizabeth is something good and right in the world. I would tell you she’s the reason I started to breathe again. So what am I supposed to do? How do I start to move on from her knowing that she can’t be mine? I just wish…” I cleared my throat, uncertain what I was wishing for. Answers to the unasked questions, I supposed. “I just wish I knew you would be okay with this. I wish I knew it was okay for me to fall in love again.” As I stood up to leave, I kissed my lips twice and placed my fingers against the gray tombstones.
Right before I turned to leave, a small white feather came floating down from above and landed against my arm. A wave of comfort washed over me as I nodded. “I’ll be okay. I’ll be good,” I muttered, knowing that it was a kiss from my loved ones. I knew I would be okay one day, because it was obvious that I wasn’t alone.
“What are you looking at?” Mom asked me one afternoon as I sat at the dining room table Dad had made her for Christmas a few years before.
I held on to the picture Emma had taken of Elizabeth and me with the white feathers many months before. I’d looked at it every day since I left. “Nothing.”
“Let me see,” she said, sitting beside me. I passed her the picture and heard a slight gasp fall from her lips. “That’s her.”
“That’s who?”
“Kevin!” she shouted, calling Dad into the room. “Kevin! Come here!”
He hurried into the room. “Yeah?”
She passed the picture to Dad, and he narrowed his eyes as Mom began to explain. “The day of the accident, that’s the girl. I was falling apart in the waiting room while Jamie and Charlie both went into surgery. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and this woman walked up to me and held me. She stayed with me the whole time, keeping me from falling apart, telling me it would be okay.”
“That’s her?” I asked, pointing to the picture. “Are you sure?”
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