His free hand wrapped around my lower back, and I shivered at his touch. His fingers pulled up my shirt, and he felt my bare skin. “God. I’ve always wanted this.” He sighed against my neck, kissing it lightly, sending chills throughout me. His tongue slipped from his mouth and landed against my skin, licking me slowly.
We heard the sound of the shed doors opening behind us, and Tanner’s eyes shot open. “You bitch!” he hissed, looking betrayed by my closeness. He shoved me to the ground and held his gun up, seconds away from shooting toward Tristan, who had just disappeared into the shed. As Tanner went to chase Tristan, I grabbed his leg, making him fall to the ground with me.
The gun slipped from his grip, landing between us. We both leaped up to grab it, and we started wrestling with one another. The gun was clasped in both of our hands, and Tanner shoved me with his elbow, slamming it against my eye. “Let it go, Liz!” he shouted, but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. Tristan had to get Emma out safely. He had to save my daughter. “I swear to God, I’ll shoot you, Liz. I love you so fucking much, but I’ll do it. Just let go. Please!” he cried.
“Tanner, don’t do this!” I begged him, feeling my hold on the gun slipping. “Please,” I pleaded, wanting this terrible nightmare to come to an end.
“I loved you,” he whispered, tears falling from his eyes. “I loved you.”
The sound of the gun firing one time was what I heard first. We wrestled one another. The second fire, I heard next. Then a burning sensation crept into my gut, making vomit rise up my throat. My eyes were wide, terrified by all of the blood. Was I bleeding? Was I dying?
“Lizzie!” Tristan yelled, hurrying out of the shed with Emma in his arms.
I turned to him, my body in a state of shock, completely covered in blood that wasn’t mine. Tanner lay under me, his body motionless as blood spilled from beneath him. Oh my God. “I killed him. I killed him. I killed him,” I cried, shaking uncontrollably.
By that point everyone who’d been inside my house was standing in the backyard. I thought I heard yelling, shouting. Someone said to call 911. A hand landed against my shoulder, begging me to stand up. Emma wasn’t breathing, someone said. Another voice told Tristan to keep doing CPR. My world was spinning. Everyone was moving in slow motion around me. The red, white, and blue lights in front of our house were burning into my soul. Professionals took over caring for Emma. Mama cried. Faye sobbed. Someone shouted my name.
There was so much blood.
I killed him.
“Lizzie!” Tristan said, knocking me back into reality. “Lizzie, baby.” He bent down and placed his hands around my face. My tears fell against his hands, and he gave me a broken smile. “Baby, you’re in shock. Were you shot? Are you hurt?”
“No, I killed him,” I whispered, turning my head to look at Tanner, but Tristan refused to let me.
“Baby, no. No. It wasn’t you. I just need you to come back to me, okay? Lizzie. I need you to put down the gun.”
I stared down at my blood-covered hands, which were still clenching the gun. “Oh my God,” I murmured, dropping the gun to the side. Tristan was quick to lift me up into his arms, away from Tanner’s motionless body. My head fell into his shoulder as I watched cops and paramedics rush over.
“Where’s Emma?” I asked, turning my head back and forth, searching the area. “Where’s Emma?!”
“She’s on her way to the hospital,” Tristan explained.
“I have to go,” I said, getting out of his grip. My legs were trembling, and I almost fell to the ground. “I have to go make sure she’s okay.”
“Lizzie,” he said, shaking my shoulders. “I need you to focus for one second. Your eyes are bugging out, your heart rate is through the roof, and your breathing is chaotic. I need you to let this paramedic check you out.”
His lips kept moving, and I narrowed my eyes trying to hear his words, but they just turned to mumbles.
My body went limp, my eyes crossed.
Everything faded to black.
“EMMA!” I shouted, opening my eyes and sitting up. A sharp pain shot through me and I lowered myself back down. My eyes glanced around the room, and I took in all the machines, cabinets, and hospital supplies.
“Welcome back, darling,” Mama said, sitting beside my bed. I narrowed my eyes, confusion pulsing through my head. She bent forward and ran her fingers through my hair. “It’s okay, Liz. Everything’s going to be fine.”
“What happened? Where’s Emma?”
“Tristan’s with Emma.”
“Is she okay?” I asked, trying to sit up, but the pain shot across my side. “Jesus!”
“Relax,” Mama ordered. “One of the bullets hit you in the side. Emma’s okay, we are just waiting for her to wake up. She has a breathing tube in to help her a bit, but she’s okay.”
“Tristan’s with her?” I asked. Mama nodded. My mind started to play catch up as I stared down at my body. My left side was wrapped in bandages, and my body was covered in blood, some that was mine, some that was… “Tanner… What happened to Tanner?”
Mama frowned. She shook her head. “He didn’t make it.”
I turned my head away and stared out the window. I wasn’t certain if I was filled with relief or complete confusion.
“Can you go check on Emma?” I asked. She kissed my forehead and told me she would be right back. I hoped she wouldn’t rush, though. Loneliness seemed right to me.
43
Tristan
I sat beside Emma’s bed, staring down at a little girl who had been through more than any five-year-old should ever experience. Her small lungs were working hard as she inhaled and exhaled, her chest rising and falling. The small breathing tubes going through her nose brought back so many terrible memories. The beeping machines around her reminded me of the day I last held Charlie’s hand.
“She’s not Charlie,” I murmured to myself, trying my best not to compare the two situations. The doctors said Emma would be okay, that it might just take her some time to open her eyes, but I couldn’t stop worrying and remembering the past hurts of my soul. I wrapped her small hand in mine and scooted closer to her bedside. I whispered, “Hey, Tock. You’re going to be okay. I just want you to know that you’re going to be fine, because I know who your mother is, and I know that so much of her strength lives within you. So you keep fighting, okay? You keep fighting and fighting, and then I want you to open your eyes. I need you to come back to us, Tock. I need you to open your eyes,” I begged, lightly kissing her hand.
The machines around us started beeping quicker and quicker. My chest tightened as I looked around. “Someone help!” I called, and two nurses rushed in to see what was happening. I stood up and stepped back. This can’t be happening again. This can’t happen…
I looked away, covering my mouth with my hand, and I said a prayer. I was far from the praying type, but I had to try, just in case God was listening that day.
“Tick,” a small voice whispered.
Turning on my heels, I hurried back over to Emma’s side. Her blue eyes were open and she looked so confused, so lost. I took her hand in mine and turned toward the nurses.
They smiled and one spoke. “She’s okay.”
“She’s okay?” I echoed.
They nodded.
She’s okay.
“Jesus, Tock. You scared me,” I said, kissing her forehead.
Her eyes narrowed, and she slightly tilted her head to the left. “You came back?”
I held on to her hand tighter. “Yeah, I came back.” She opened her mouth to speak, but her breaths were rough and she began to cough. “Take your time. Take deep breaths.”
She did as I said and lay back down against her pillow, her eyelids heavy. “I thought you and Zeus were gone forever like Daddy.” She was falling back asleep and her words were breaking my heart.
“I’m right here, buddy.”
“Tick?” she whispered, her eyes fading closed.
“Yes, Tock?”
“Please don’t
leave us again.”
I brushed the palm of my hand against my eyes and blinked a few times. “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Zeus too?”
“Zeus too.”
“Promise?” she yawned, already asleep before I could reply.
But I did reply, softly whispering into her dreams. “Promise.”
“Tristan.” I turned to see Hannah staring my way.
“She just woke up,” I said, standing up. “She’s pretty exhausted, but she’s doing okay.”
Relief filled her eyes and her hands landed over her heart. “Thank God. Liz is awake in the other room and asked me to come check on her.”
“She’s awake?” I asked. I started for the door to go see Elizabeth, but I paused, looking back at Emma.
“I’ll stay with her. She won’t be alone.”
“You’re up,” I said, staring at Elizabeth, who was looking out the window. She turned toward me, and a small smile appeared on her lips.
“Is Emma okay?”
“Yeah.” I walked over to her bed and sat beside her. “She’s doing good. Your mom is with her right now. How are you doing?” I took her hand and her stare fell to our fingers.
“I guess I got shot.”
“You scared the crap out of me, Lizzie.”
She pulled her hand away from mine. A tiny breath fell from her lips and she closed her eyes. “I don’t know how to deal with all of this. I just want to go home with my little girl.”
My hand ran against the back of my neck, and I studied every inch of her. The bandage around her side. Her bloodstained body. Her frown. I wanted to make her feel better, I wanted to make her feel less alone, but I wasn’t sure how.
“Can you find out when we can leave?” she asked.
I nodded. “Of course.” As I stood up, I paused in the doorway. “I love you, Lizzie.”
Her shoulders rose and fell before she turned her head away from me. “You can’t just love me because I got shot, Tristan. You should’ve loved me before that.”
Emma was able to go home before Elizabeth, and she stayed at the house with Hannah. I didn’t leave Elizabeth’s side until she was able to go home. When it was time to leave, she didn’t pass up the offer of me driving her to her house, but she didn’t speak a word to me.
“Here, let me help you,” I said, hopping out of the driver’s seat and rushing over to help her out of the car.
“I’m good,” she whispered to me, not wanting my help. “I’m good.”
I followed her into the house, and she told me I could leave, but I didn’t. Hannah and Emma were both sleeping in Emma’s tiny bed.
“Tristan, you really can go. I’m good, I’m good.”
I wondered how many times she could say those words before she realized they were a lie.
“I’m just going to go take a shower and then head to bed.” She walked toward the bathroom and took a deep inhale, gripping the doorframe. Her body went a bit limp, and I rushed over to help hold her up. She pulled away from me. “I don’t need you, Tristan. I’m fine without you,” she said coldly. But in the back of her tone I heard more fear than anything. “I don’t need anyone except myself and my baby girl. We’re good, I’m good. I’m good.” She spoke softly, holding on to my T-shirt to keep herself from falling. “I’m…I’m…” She started crying, and I pulled her closer to my body. She cried into my shirt. “You left me.”
“I’m so sorry, baby.” I sighed. I didn’t know what to say, because I had left her and Emma. I ran away when things got real. I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I loved her, because loving her meant that someday I could lose her, and losing people was the worst feeling in the world. “I got scared. I got mad. And I handled it all completely wrong. But I need you to hear me now: I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. I’m here and I’m here to stay.”
She pulled back, wiped her hand beneath her nose, and laughed lightly, trying to stop her tears. “Sorry. I just need a shower.”
“I’ll be here when you’re done.”
Her beautiful brown eyes locked with mine, and a tiny smile grew on her lips. “Okay.”
She closed the bathroom door. I heard the sound of the shower coming on and I leaned against the bathroom door, waiting for her to finish.
“I’m good, I’m good,” she told herself over and over again. Her voice started to shake as she said it, and I could hear her crying again. My hand wrapped around the doorknob, and I pushed it open to see her sitting in the bottom of the tub, her hands covering her face as she cried, dried blood washing out of her hair. Without thought, I climbed into the tub with her and wrapped myself around her. “Tanner’s gone?” she asked, shaking against me.
“Yes.”
“Emma’s okay?”
“Yes.”
“I’m good?” she wondered out loud.
“Yeah, Lizzie. You’re good.”
I stayed with her that whole night. I didn’t lie beside her in her bed, but I sat in the chair at her desk, giving her the distance she needed, but also letting her know that she wasn’t ever going to be alone again.
44
Elizabeth
I awakened to the sound of a lawnmower coming from the backyard. The sun was just waking, and there was no need for anyone to be cutting the grass at such a time. Walking toward my back porch, I looked at Tristan, who was cutting the grass around where the accident with Tanner had happened. My hand lay over my heart, and I moved down the steps, feeling the wet morning grass against my toes.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He turned my way and shut off the lawnmower. “I didn’t want you to have to see this when you came out to the backyard. I didn’t want you to have to deal with what happened.” He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a coin. “Tanner dropped his coin… I mean, did you ever see this?” He tossed it my way.
“It’s a double-sided coin. It’s always heads.” I said, a bit shocked. “He never truly won the coin toss?”
“Never. I can’t believe I didn’t put the pieces together sooner. I can’t believe he was almost able to hurt you and Emma… I should’ve known something was off. I should’ve known…”
He’s my world. I wanted so much to overthink everything. I wanted to overthink him leaving us. I wanted to overthink his return. I wanted to doubt that he could ever be something that was mine, but my heart told my head to shut up. My heart told me to just allow myself to feel, to live in this moment in time, because all we had was the here and now, and in the blink of an eye, that could be taken away. I had to allow myself to cherish the man in front of me. “I love you,” I whispered, and his stormy eyes smiled in the saddest way as he slid his hands into his pockets.
“I don’t deserve that.”
Moving over to him, I wrapped my fingers around the back of his neck, pulling his lips closer to my lips. His hand fell to my lower back, and I jumped a little from the pain that shot through me. “Are you okay?” he asked.
I chuckled. “I’ve felt worse pain.” My lips lay against his, and I felt his breaths weaving in and out of his mouth. As I inhaled his breath, he exhaled mine. The morning sun was rising behind us, lighting up the grass with a light we both craved. “I love you,” I whispered again.
His forehead pressed against mine. “Lizzie…I need to prove to you that I’m not going to just run away again. I need to prove to you that I’m good enough for you and Emma.”
“Shut up, Tristan.”
“What?”
“I said shut up. You saved my daughter’s life. You saved my life. You’re good enough. You’re our world.”
“I’m not going to stop loving you both, Lizzie. I promise you that for the rest of my life I am going to prove just how much I love you.”
My face brushed against his thick beard and my finger danced around his bottom lip. “Tristan?”
“Yes?”
“Kiss me?”
“Yes.”
And then he did.
/> Emma and I sat on the front porch of the house the next morning, drinking the tea and cocoa that Mr. Henson dropped off for us. When a car pulled up to our house, Emma screamed with excitement as it parked and the driver climbed out, and opened the back door. Zeus came sprinting out of the car and he headed straight to Emma.
“Zeus!” she shouted with the biggest smile ever. “You came back!” Zeus wagged his tail, excitement overtaking the both of them as he knocked Emma to the ground and covered her in kisses.
My heart smiled as I walked over to the two older people who just climbed out of the car. “Sorry about that,” I said, nodding toward Emma and Zeus. “It turns out they are old friends.”
Before I could say anything else, the older woman wrapped me tight into a hug. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you.”
When she pulled away I smiled to the woman who was clearly Tristan’s mother. “He has your eyes. I remember when I first met him, I felt like there was something so familiar about him, and that was it. He has your eyes.”
“I don’t think we’ve properly met, I’m Mary and this is my husband, Kevin.”
“It’s so great to meet you both. I’m Elizabeth, and that’s my daughter, Emma.”
“She’s beautiful,” Kevin said. “She looks like you.”
“Really?” I disagreed. “I think she looks like her father.”
“Trust me, honey. She’s a mini you. Come on inside. Tristan said you remodeled his place and I would love you to show me around.” Mary winked. We walked inside with Emma and Zeus following behind us. “So did Tristan tell you about his shop? How Mr. Henson left it to him?”
“I heard that. I think it’s great. Tristan’s amazingly talented. I think he’ll do so well.” I smiled and turned to Kevin. “I hear you are running it with him?”
“That’s the plan,” he replied. “I think it’s great. A new beginning for all of us.”
As I showed them around Tristan’s new and improved home, Mary commented that I should consider going back into interior design. For the first time in a long time, I was starting to consider the possibilities of starting over. It didn’t scare me the way that it used to. The idea of beginning again inspired me. I was hopeful for the future, and I was ready to make my daughter proud of me.
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