He took a breath, studied the line of people forming behind him, and then locked his stare with mine. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”
“It’s okay,” I replied.
“No. It’s not. I’m sorry. Can I just, leave the shit here for a second? I have to call my mom.”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll just suspend the order for now, then we can ring up your items once we get the issues worked out. No worries.”
He almost smiled, and I almost lost it. I didn’t know he knew how to almost do that. Maybe it was just a twitch in his lips, but when they slightly curved, he looked so handsome. I could tell he didn’t partake in the act of smiling very often.
As he stepped to the side and dialed his mom’s number, I tried my best not to eavesdrop on his call. I took the next customers’ orders, but still, my nosy ears and eyes kept finding their way back to him.
“Ma, I’m just saying, I feel like a fucking idiot. I swiped the card and it keeps getting declined.”
“I know the pin number. I entered the pin number.”
“Did you use the card yesterday?” he asked. “For what? What did you get?”
He moved the phone from his face as his mom spoke to him and rolled his eyes before putting the receiver back to his ear.
“What do you mean, you bought thirty-two cases of Coca-Cola?!” he shouted. “What the hell are we going to do with thirty-two cases of Coca-Cola?” Everyone in the grocery store turned toward him. His gaze met mine, and the embarrassment returned to him. I smiled. He frowned. Heartbreakingly handsome. Slowly he turned his back to me and returned to his call. “How are we supposed to eat for the next month?”
“Yeah, I get paid tomorrow, but that’s not gonna be enough to—no. I don’t want to ask Kellan for money again—Ma, don’t cut me off. Listen. I have to pay rent. There’s no way I’ll be able to—” Pause. “Ma, shut the hell up, okay?! You spent our food money on Coca-Cola!”
Short pause. Crazy arm movements of anger.
“No! No, I don’t care if it was Diet Coke or Coke Zero!” He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. He sat the phone down on the ground for a few moments, shut his eyes, and took a few deep breaths. He picked it back up. “It’s fine. I’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about it, all right? I’ll figure it out. I’m hanging up. No, I’m not mad, Ma. Yeah, I’m sure. I’m just hanging up. Yeah, I know. It’s okay. I’m not mad, okay? I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sorry. I’m not mad.” His voice became as low as it could, but I couldn’t stop listening. “I’m sorry.”
When he turned back to me, I’d finished helping the last customer in my line. He shrugged his left shoulder and stepped closer, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t think I’m gonna be able to get those things today. Sorry. I can put the stuff back on the shelves. Sorry. Sorry.” He kept apologizing.
My gut tightened. “It’s okay. Really. I’ll handle it. I’m getting off work now anyway. I’ll put it all back.”
He frowned again. I wished he would stop doing that. “Okay. Sorry.” I wished he’d stop apologizing, too.
When he left, I glanced inside his grocery bags. Studying the items in the bags was heartbreaking. The stuff added up to a total of eleven dollars, and he couldn’t even afford that. Ramen noodles, cereal, milk, peanut butter, and a loaf of bread—items I’d never had to think twice about buying.
You never knew how good you had it until you saw how bad someone else did.
“Hey!” I shouted, chasing after him in the parking lot. “Hey! You forgot these!”
He turned around slowly and narrowed his eyes in confusion.
“Your bags,” I explained, handing them to him. “You forgot your bags.”
“You could get fired.”
“What?”
“For stealing groceries,” he said.
I hesitated for a moment, a bit confused as to why his first thought would be that I stole the food. “I didn’t steal them. I paid for them.”
Bewilderment filled his stare. “Why would you do that? You don’t even know me.”
“I know you’re trying to take care of your mom.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head back and forth. “I’ll pay you back.”
“No, don’t worry about it.” I shook my head. “It’s no big deal.”
He bit his bottom lip, and brushed his hand over his eyes. “I’ll pay you back. But…thank you. Thank you…uh…” His eyes fell to my chest, and for a second I felt a level of discomfort, until I realized he was retrieving my name from my nametag. “Thank you, Alyssa.”
“You’re welcome.” He turned and went on his way again. “What about you?!” I shouted his way, hiccupping once or twice—or maybe fifty times.
“What about me?” he asked, not turning to face me, still walking.
“What’s your name?”
Hunter?
Gus?
Travis?
Mikey?!
He could’ve definitely been a Mikey.
“Logan,” he said. He kept walking, not looking back once. I placed my shirt collar in my mouth and chewed on it; it was a bad habit my mom always yelled at me about, but my mom wasn’t there, and small tiny butterflies were taking over my stomach.
Logan.
He looked like a Logan, now that I thought about it.
He came back a few days later to pay me back. Then, he began showing up weekly to buy a loaf of bread, or some more ramen noodles, or a pack of gum. He always came to my checkout lane. At some point, Logan and I began to talk during transactions. We learned that his half-brother was dating my sister, and they had been together for what felt like forever. At some point, he almost smiled. Then once, I swore he even laughed. We kind of became friends, starting with small exchanges of words and building up to bigger conversations.
When I’d leave work, he’d be sitting on the parking lot curb, waiting for me, and we’d talk even more.
Our skin tanned together under the burning sun. We left each night beneath the flaming stars.
I met my best friend in the checkout lane of a grocery store.
And my life was never the same again.
Part I
His soul was set in flames,
and he scorched anyone who stood too close.
She stepped closer,
unafraid of the ashes they were destined to become.
1
Logan
Two years, seven girlfriends, two boyfriends, nine breakups,
and a stronger friendship later.
I’d watched a documentary on pie.
Two hours of my life were spent sitting in front of a tiny television, watching a library DVD on the history of pie. It turned out pie had been around since the ancient Egyptians. The first documented pie was created by the Romans; they made a rye-crusted goat cheese and honey pie. It sounded completely disgusting, but somehow, at the end of the documentary, all I wanted was that freaking pie.
I wasn’t much of a pie eater, more into cake, but at that moment, all that flew through my mind was the thought of a flaky crust.
I had all the things needed to go upstairs to our apartment to make the pie, too. All that stood in my way was Shay, my now ex-girlfriend, I’d spent the past few hours sending mixed signals.
I was crappy at breaking up with girls. Most of the time, I’d text them a simple, ‘Not working, sorry’ or have a five-second phone call to cut it off, but I couldn’t with this one, because Alyssa told me breaking up with someone over the phone was the worst thing a person could ever do.
So I’d met up with Shay in person. Terrible idea.
Shay, Shay, Shay. I wished I hadn’t found the need to have sex with her that night—which we had. Three times. After I broke up with her. But now it was past one in the morning, and…
She. Wouldn’t. Leave.
She wouldn’t stop talking either.
The cold rain whistled as we stood in front of my apartment building. All I wanted to do was go to my bedroom an
d relax for a bit. Was that too much to ask? Smoke a bit of pot, start a new documentary, and make a pie or five.
I wanted to be alone. No one liked being alone more than I did.
My cell phone dinged, and I saw Alyssa’s name appear on the screen with a text message.
Alyssa: Is the good deed done?
I smirked to myself, knowing she meant me breaking up with Shay.
Me: Yeah.
I watched the three ellipses appear on my phone, waiting to see Alyssa’s reply.
Alyssa: You didn’t sleep with her though, did you?
More ellipses.
Alyssa: Oh God, you slept with her, didn’t you?
Even more ellipses.
Alyssa: MIXED SIGNALS!
I couldn’t help but chuckle, because she knew me better than anyone else. Alyssa and I had been best friends for the past two years, and we were the complete opposite of one another. Her older sister was dating my brother Kellan, and at first, Alyssa and I were convinced we had nothing in common. She happily sat in church, while I smoked pot around the corner. She believed in God while I danced with demons. She had a future while I somehow seemed trapped in the past.
But we had certain things in common that somehow made us make sense. Her mom barely tolerated her; my mom hated me. Her dad was a jerk; my dad was Satan.
When we realized the small things we did have in common, we spent more time together, growing closer each day.
She was my best friend, the highlight to my shitty days.
Me: I slept with her once.
Alyssa: Twice.
Me: Yeah, twice.
Alyssa: THREE TIMES, LOGAN?! OH MY GOSH!
“Who are you talking to?” Shay whined, breaking my stare from my phone. “Who could possibly be more important than having this conversation right now?”
“Alyssa,” I said flatly.
“Oh my gosh. Seriously? She just can’t get enough of you, can she?” Shay complained. It wasn’t new though; every girl I’d dated in the past two years had a way of being extremely jealous of Alyssa’s and my relationship. “I bet you’re screwing her.”
“Yeah, I am,” I said. That was the first lie. Alyssa wasn’t easy, and if she was, she wouldn’t be easy with me. She had standards—standards I didn’t meet. Also, I had standards for Alyssa’s relationships—standards no guy could ever meet. She deserved the world, and most people in True Falls, Wisconsin only had crumbs to offer.
“I bet she’s the reason you’re breaking up with me.”
“Yeah, she is.” That was the second lie. I made my own choices, but Alyssa always backed me, no matter what. She always gave me her input though, and let me know when I was in the wrong in all of my relationships. She was painfully blunt sometimes.
“She wouldn’t ever really get with you though. She’s a good girl, and you—you’re a piece of shit!” Shay cried.
“You’re right.” That was the first truth.
Alyssa was a good girl, and I was the boy who never had a chance of calling her mine. Even though sometimes I’d look at her crazy, blonde, curly hair and my mind would think about what it’d be like to maybe hold her close and slowly taste her lips. Maybe in a different world, I would’ve been enough for her. Maybe I wouldn’t have been screwed up since I was a kid, and would’ve had my life together. I would’ve gotten into college and had a career, something to show for myself. Then, I could’ve asked her out and took her to some fancy restaurant, and told her to order anything on the menu because money wasn’t an issue.
I could’ve told her how her blue eyes always smiled, even when she frowned, and that I loved how she chewed on the collar of all of her T-shirts when she was bored, or anxious.
I could’ve been someone worthy of loving, and she would’ve allowed me to love her, too.
In a different world, maybe. But I only had the here and now, where Alyssa was my best friend.
I was lucky enough to have her in that form.
“You said you loved me!” Shay wept, allowing the tears to fall down her cheeks.
How long had she been crying? She was a professional crier, that one.
I studied her face as I slid my hands into my jean pockets. Goddamn. She looked a mess. She was still high from earlier, and her makeup was smeared all over her face.
“I didn’t say that, Shay.”
“Yes, you did! You said it more than once!” She swore.
“You’re making shit up.” I would’ve traced my memory to see if those three words slipped out of my mouth at some point, but I knew they didn’t. I didn’t love. I barely liked. My fingers brushed against my temple. Shay really needed to get in her car and drive far, far away.
“I’m not stupid, Logan! I know what you said!” Her words were confident in the belief that I loved her. Which, as a whole, was pretty sad. “You said it earlier tonight! Remember? You said you fucking loved me?”
Earlier tonight?
Oh, crap.
“Shay, I said I love fucking you. Not that I fucking love you.”
“Same thing.”
“Trust me, it’s not.”
She swung her purse in my direction and I allowed it to hit me. Truth was, I deserved it. She swung again, and I allowed it once more. She swung a third time, and I grabbed the bag, yanked it—and her—toward me. My hand landed on her lower back, which she arched at my touch. I pressed her body close to mine. Her breaths were heavy and tears were still rolling down her cheeks. “Don’t cry,” I whispered, turning on my charm to try to get her to leave. “You’re too beautiful to cry.”
“You’re such an asshole, Logan.”
“Which is exactly why you shouldn’t be with me.”
“We’ve been broken up for three hours, and you became a completely different person.”
“That’s funny,” I muttered. “Because last I checked, it was you who became different, when you hooked up with Nick.”
“Oh, get over it. That was a mistake. We didn’t even have sex. You’re the only boy I’ve slept with in the past six months.”
“Uh, we’ve been dating for eight months.”
“What are you, a math guru? That doesn’t matter.”
Shay was my longest relationship in the past two years. Most of the time, it was a month tops, but with Shay we made it a total of eight months and two days. I didn’t know why exactly, other than her life was almost a carbon copy of mine. Her mom was far from stable, and her father was in prison. She didn’t have anyone to look up to, and her sister was kicked out of their house by their mom because she got knocked up by some jerk.
Maybe the darkness in me saw and honored the darkness in her for a little while. We made sense. But as time went by, I realized that it was because of the similarities that we truly didn’t belong together. We were both too messed up. Being with Shay was like looking at a mirror and seeing all of your scars staring back at you.
“Shay, let’s not do this. I’m tired.”
“Okay. I forgot. You are Mr. Perfect. People make bad calls in life,” Shay explained.
“You made out with my friend, Shay.”
“It’s just that: making out! And I only did it because you cheated on me.”
“I’m not even sure how to reply to that, seeing as how I never cheated on you.”
“Maybe not with sex, but emotionally, Logan. You were never fully there and committed. This is all Alyssa’s fault. She’s the reason you never really committed to me. She’s such a stupid bitc—”
I held my hand up to her mouth, halting her words. “Before you say what you’re about to say, don’t.” I lowered my hand, and she remained quiet. “I told you from day one who I was. It’s your own fault for thinking you could change me.”
“You’re never going to be happy with anyone, are you? Because you are so strung up on a girl that you’ll never have. You’re going to end up sad, alone, and bitter. Then you’ll figure out what you had when you were with me!”
“Can you just leave?” I sighed, b
rushing my hand against my face. I blamed Alyssa for this.
“Break up with her in person, Lo. That’s the only way a real man would do it. You can’t break up with someone over the phone.”
She had some awful ideas, sometimes.
Shay kept crying.
God, those tears.
I couldn’t handle the tears.
After a few snotty sniffles, she glanced to the ground before holding her head high, a spark of confidence finding her. “I think we should break up.”
I appeared shocked. “Break up?” We already did!
“I just feel like we’re two people going in two opposite directions.”
“Okay,” I said.
Her fingers flew over my lips and she shushed me, even though I wasn’t talking. “Don’t be so emotional about it. I’m so sorry, Logan. But it’s just not going to work out.”
I snickered internally at her, making it seem like the breakup was her idea. I stepped back and placed my hands on my neck. “You’re right. You’re too good for me.”
Why are you still here?
She moved over to me and brushed her fingertips across my lips. “You’ll find someone good. I know it. I mean, granted, she might look like an ape, but still.” She jogged toward her car, opened the door, and climbed inside. As the car pulled off, my gut tightened, and regret overtook me. I started sprinting toward her car in the pouring rain, shouting her name.
“Shay! Shay!” I waved my hands into the darkness, running for at least five blocks before she came up to a red light. I banged on her driver’s window and she screamed, out of fright.
“Logan! What the heck are you doing?!” she cried, rolling down her window. Her confusion turned into a proud smirk and she narrowed her eyes. “You want to get back together, don’t you? I knew it.”
The Elements Series Complete Box Set Page 27