It wasn’t a cigarette at all. I should’ve known by the smell. “No.”
His brows furrowed. “You said Julie Silverstone, right?” I nodded for the third time. He placed the joint in my hands. “Then you smoke pot. It will keep you warm. I’ll be back with your bitch of a mother.”
“She’s not a,”—the door slammed before he could hear me complete my sentence—“bitch.”
I held the joint between my fingers and shivered in the cold.
It will keep you warm.
I was freezing.
So I took a puff, and choked on my own coughing.
I coughed hard for a long time, stomping out the joint into the ground. I didn’t understand why anyone would do that—why anyone would ever smoke. That was the moment I vowed to never smoke again.
When the man came out, he was dragging Ma along with him. She was hardly awake, and sweaty.
“Stop yanking me, Ricky!” she yelled at the man.
“Shut the hell up, Julie. You left your damn kid out here all night, you fucking crackhead.”
My fists formed and I puffed out my chest. How dare he talk to Ma like that! He didn’t know her. She was my best friend, other than my brother Kellan. And that guy had no right to talk to Ma like that. Kellan would’ve been so mad if he heard that guy. Good thing he wasn’t here and was with his father on some kind of ice fishing trip.
I didn’t know people could fish when there was ice out, but Kellan told me all about it last week. Ma said ice fishing was for weirdos and losers.
“I told you, Ricky! I ain’t using any more. I—I promise,” she stuttered. “I just stopped here to see Becky.”
“Bullshit,” he replied, pulling her down the steps. “Come on, kid.”
“Where are we going, Ma?” I asked, following behind my mom, wondering what was going to happen next.
“I’m driving you two home,” the man replied. He put Ma in his passenger seat, where she closed her eyes and slumped over. Then he opened the back door for me, slamming it shut after I climbed inside. “Where do you stay?” he asked, climbing into the driver’s seat and driving off, away from the curb.
His car was shiny and nice, nicer than any car I’d ever seen. Ma and I took the bus everywhere, so being in his car kind of made me feel like royalty.
Ma started hacking and coughing, and tried her best to clear her throat. “See, that’s why I had to see Becky. My landlord is being a dick and told me that I didn’t pay the last two months! But I did, Ricky! I paid that asshole, and he’s acting like I didn’t. So I came to see Becky to get some money.”
“Since when does Becky ever have money?” he asked.
“She didn’t. She didn’t have money, I guess. But I had to see. Because the landlord said I can’t come back if I didn’t have the money. So I’m not sure where we should go. You should let me go check with Becky really quick,” she muttered, opening her passenger door as the car drove.
“Ma!”
“Julie!”
Ricky and I shouted at the same time. I reached for her shirt from the backseat, and he pulled her shirt sleeve, jerking her in his direction, shutting the door with her.
“Are you crazy?!” he hollered, his nostrils flaring. “Dammit. I’ll pay your bill tomorrow, but tonight you’ll stay at my place.”
“You’ll do that, Ricky? God, we’d appreciate that a lot. Wouldn’t we, Lo? I’ll pay you back, I’ll pay you back every cent of it.”
I nodded, feeling the heat finally kick in from the car.
Warmth.
“I’ll grab the kid some food, too. I doubt you fed him.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter shaped like a hula dancer. As he flicked the lighter on, the hula dancer moved side to side. I became hypnotized with the movement, unable to take my eyes off of it. Even when he finished lighting the cigarette, he flicked it on and off nonstop.
When we arrived to Ricky’s apartment, I was blown away by how much stuff he had. Two sofas and a huge arm chair, paintings, a huge television with cable, and a refrigerator filled with enough food to feed the world. After eating, he set me up on one of the sofas, and I began to drift to sleep, listening to Ma and him whisper in the hallway nearby.
“He has your eyes,” she mumbled.
“Yeah, I know.” His voice was filled with spite, but I wasn’t sure why. I listened to his footsteps grow closer to me, and opened my eyes to see him bending down next to me. His hands clasped together and he narrowed his eyes. “You’re my kid, huh?”
I didn’t reply.
Because what was I supposed to say?
A sly smirk fell from the side of his mouth, and he lit a cigarette, blowing smoke into my face. “Don’t worry, Logan. I’ll take care of you and your mom. Promise.”
At four in the morning when I finally came down from my high, I laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling.
Me: Are you up?
I stared at my phone, waiting for the ellipses to appear, but they didn’t. When my phone rang, I took a breath.
“I woke you up,” I whispered into the receiver.
“Only a little,” Alyssa replied. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” I lied. “I’m fine.”
You’ll be dead by twenty-five.
“Was it your mom or your dad?”
She always knew. “Mom.”
“Was she high or sober?”
“High.”
“Did you believe whatever she said or not?” I hesitated, and started flicking my lighter on and off. “Oh, Lo.”
“Sorry for waking you. I can hang up. Go back to sleep.”
“I’m not tired,” she yawned. “Stay on the phone with me until you’re able to fall asleep, all right?”
“All right.”
“You’re okay, Logan Francis Silverstone.”
“I’m okay, Alyssa Marie Walters.”
Even though it felt like a lie, it was one that her voice almost always made me believe.
4
Logan
I never truly celebrated my birthday before two years ago when I met Alyssa. Kellan always took me out to dinner, and I loved that. He was pretty great at reminding me that I wasn’t alone in the world, but Alyssa went bigger than ever each year for my birthday. Two years ago, we went to Chicago to watch a documentary special on Charlie Chaplin at an old theatre, then she took me out to a fancy restaurant that I was way too underdressed for. She came from a lifestyle where fancy dinners were normal, I came from a world where dinner wasn’t always available. When she noticed my discomfort, we ending up walking down the streets of Chicago, eating hot dogs and standing under the giant bean.
That was the first best day of my life.
One year ago, there was a film festival going on in upper Wisconsin, and she rented out a cabin for us to stay in. We watched each and every film together for the whole weekend. We stayed up late discussing which movies inspired us, and which were made by people who probably dropped a lot of acid.
That was the second best day of my life.
But today was different. Today was my eighteenth birthday, it was past eleven at night, and Alyssa hadn’t called me once.
I sat in my bedroom watching the DVD on Jackie Robinson while I listened to Ma stumble around the apartment. A pile of bills sat beside my bed, and I felt a tight knot in my stomach from fear of not making rent. If we weren’t able to make rent, Dad would never let us live it down. And if I asked him for help, I was certain Ma would pay the price.
I reached under my bed and pulled out an envelope, checking the money I had saved up on my own. The words on the envelope made me sick.
College funds.
What a joke.
I counted the money. Five hundred and fifty-two dollars. I’d been saving for two years now, ever since Alyssa made it seem like a thing I could do someday. I spent a lot of time thinking that one day I’d save enough to go to school, get a solid career, and buy a house for Ma and me to live in.
&nb
sp; We’d never have to rely on Dad for anything—the home would be ours, and only ours. We’d get clean, too. No more drugs, only happiness. Ma would cry because she was happy, not because he beat her.
Sober Ma would come back, the one who used to tuck me in when I was young. The one who used to sing and dance. The one who used to smile.
It’d been such a long time since I’d seen that version of her, but a part of me held onto the hope that one day she’d come back. She has to come back to me.
I sighed, taking out some cash from my college funds to pay the electric bill.
Three hundred and twenty-three dollars left.
And just like that, the dream seemed a bit further away.
Taking out a pencil, I began to doodle on the electric bill. Drawing and zoning out on documentaries were my main way to escape reality. Plus, a weird, curly-head girl who smiled and talked too much had been appearing in my mind. Alyssa took up a lot more of my thoughts than she should have. Which was weird, because I didn’t really give a shit about people or what they thought of me.
Caring about people made it too easy for them to mess with my mind, and my mind was already pretty much destroyed due to my love for my twisted mother.
“No!” I heard shouting from the living room. “No, Ricky I didn’t mean to,” she cried.
My stomach knotted.
Dad was here.
I pushed myself up from my mattress and hurried into the space. Dad was buff, and had more gray hair than black, more frowns than smiles, and more hate than love. He always dressed in suits, too. Really expensive looking suits, with ties and alligator shoes. Everyone in the neighborhood knew to keep their heads down when walking past him, because even looking him in the eye could’ve been dangerous. He was the biggest bully to walk the streets, and I hated him to my core. Everything about him disgusted me, but what I hated most was that I had his eyes.
Whenever I looked at him, I always saw a piece of myself.
Ma shivered in a corner, holding her cheek, which had his handprint against it. I watched as he went to smack her again, and I stepped in his way, taking the hit to my face. “Let her be,” I said, trying to act like his slap didn’t burn.
“This ain’t got nothing to do with you, Logan,” he said. “Get out of the way. Your mother owes me money.”
“I—I’ll have it, I swear. I just need time. I got an interview at a grocery store down the street this week,” she lied. Ma hadn’t applied for a job in years, yet somehow she always had these mysterious interviews that never turned into anything.
“I thought she paid you that money already,” I said. “She gave you two hundred last weekend.”
“And she took three hundred two days ago.”
“Why would you even give her the money? You know she can’t pay it back.”
He grabbed my arm, digging his fingers into my skin, making me flinch. My body was yanked as he pulled me to the other side of the room and hovered over me. “Who the fuck do you think you are, talking back to me like that, huh?”
“I just thought…”
He slapped me against the back of my head. “You didn’t think. Now this conversation is between your mom and me. Don’t interrupt.” He hit me again, harder. His hand formed a fist and when it met my eye, I whimpered out in pain. Dad started in her direction again, and like an idiot, I stepped in front of her again. “Do you have a death wish, Logan?”
“I’ll pay it,” I said, trying to stand tall, even though he made me feel tiny whenever I was around him. “One second.” I hurried into my bedroom, reached under my mattress, and pulled out my college funds. I could feel my eye swelling as I counted out the money.
Twenty-three dollars left.
“Here,” I said, shoving the money into Dad’s hands. He narrowed his eyes at me before he began to count it. Under his breath he muttered something, but I didn’t care. As long as he’d leave, that would be good enough for me.
The money went into his back pocket. “You both should know how lucky you are to have me. But don’t think I’m going to keep paying your rent like I have been.”
We don’t need you, I wanted to say. Leave and never come back, I dreamed of shouting. But I kept my mouth shut.
His steps moved toward Ma, and I watched her flinch as he caressed his hand against her cheek. “You know I love you, right Julie?” he asked.
She nodded slow. “I know.”
“And I just want us to be happy. Don’t you?”
She nodded slower. “Yeah.”
He bent down and kissed her lips, and I wanted to set him on fire. I wanted to watch him burn and scream out in pain from the way he used, belittled, and pretty much spit on her soul.
But I also wanted to shout at Ma, because she definitely kissed him back. When they pulled apart, she looked at him as if he was her God, when really he was just Satan in an expensive suit.
“Logan,” he said, as he walked toward the front door to leave. “If you ever need a real job, a real man’s job, I’m sure I can always get you in on the family business. This chump money you’re making isn’t going to get you anywhere.”
“Not interested.”
His sinister smirk attached to his lips at my reply. It was the same reply I gave him every time, but each time he smiled as if he knew a secret and was keeping me on the outside. When he left the apartment, I released the weighted sigh from my mouth.
“What’s the matter with you?!” Ma cried, charging at me, hitting me against the chest. I grabbed her tiny wrists in confusion. She kept yelling. “Are you trying to ruin everything for me?”
“I just stopped him from attacking you!”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. He wasn’t really going to hurt me.”
“You’re delusional. He was hurting you.”
“Let me go,” she whined, trying to loosen my grip on her arms. I dropped her. Within a second, her hand swung up and slapped me—hard. “Don’t you ever interfere with my life again. You hear me?”
“Yeah,” I muttered.
She pointed a finger at my face, a stern look in her eyes. “Do. You. Hear. Me?!” she questioned again.
“Yeah!” I shouted. “I hear you.”
But I was lying straight to her face, because if I ever saw my father with his hands anywhere near her, I would stand up for her. I would fight for her. I would be her voice, even if it meant I lost my own. Because I knew it was because of him that her own sounds went mute. It was because of him that the fire within her had fizzled out.
Ma, come back to me.
When did I lose her? Would she forever be gone?
If I’d had a time machine, I’d go back and fix whatever mistake made her become the way she was. I’d direct her to go left instead of right. I’d beg for her to never smoke the pipe for the first time. I’d remind her that she was beautiful even if a man told her differently. I’d fix her heart that was so painfully damaged.
I headed to my bedroom and tried to erase the memories of my father, but whenever he came around, they all came back. All of my hatred, all of my anger, all of my pain. It all flooded back to my brain, filling my head up with so much noise that I needed to shut it up.
You’ll be dead by twenty-five.
My heart was panicking, my eye throbbing with pain, and I was seconds away from allowing the demons back in. They mocked me, they hurt me, they slowly poisoned my mind. I stared at my nightstand where my needle slept each night, feeling it whispering my name, asking me to feed the demons until they went away.
I wanted to win that night. I wanted to be strong, but I wasn’t. I’ve never been strong enough, and I never would be.
Just give in.
You’ll be dead by twenty-five.
I took a breath, my hands shaking. I took a breath, my heart breaking. I took a breath, and I did the only thing that I knew how to do.
I opened the drawer, seconds away from allowing the darkness inside, seconds away from fading from the light, but then, my pho
ne dinged.
Alyssa: What are you doing?
Alyssa texted me exactly when I needed her to, even though I was offended that she waited until eleven at night to write me. The only person I heard from for my birthday was Kellan, who took me out to dinner. All Dad gave me was a black eye, and all Ma gave me was disappointment.
Alyssa was the one I was counting on, though. She was my best friend, and hadn’t said a word all day.
Me: Lying in bed.
Alyssa: Okay.
Ellipses.
Alyssa: Come downstairs.
Sitting up a little, I reread her messages. With haste, I tossed on my tennis shoes, a pair of sunglasses, my red hoodie, and hurried out of the apartment. Parked right in front of the building was Alyssa, smiling toward me. I glanced around the streets at people drinking and smoking.
God. I hate it when you come here. Especially at night.
I climbed into the passenger seat of her car, and locked the doors the moment I was inside. “What are you doing, Alyssa?”
“Why are you wearing sunglasses?” she asked.
“No reason.”
She reached across to me, and took them off.
“Oh Logan…” she whispered, slightly touching my bruised eye.
I snickered and recoiled. “You think that’s bad? You should see the other guy.”
She didn’t laugh. “Your dad?”
“Yeah. It’s fine though.”
“It’s not fine. I’ve never hated someone so much in my life. Is your mom okay?”
“She’s far from okay, but she’s okay.” I watched as Alyssa’s eyes began to water, but I quickly stopped her. “Everything’s okay. I promise. Let’s just go to wherever we are going to so I can forget for a while.”
“Okay.”
“And Alyssa?”
“Yes, Logan?”
My fingers wiped her tears away, and I allowed my touch to linger against her cheeks. “Smile.”
She gave me a huge, cheesy, fake smile. It was good enough for me.
The Elements Series Complete Box Set Page 30