Not turning to her, I shrugged. “No big deal.” Pushing myself up from the mattress, I moved toward the bathroom. “Be right back.”
The door closed behind me and I ran my hands across my face. I removed the condom from my cock and tossed it into the garbage can before I leaned against the door and stroked myself.
It was pathetic.
I’m pathetic.
I thought about cocaine as I jerked myself. The strong rush it used to deliver to warm me up. The feeling of complete peace and bliss. I stroke harder, remembering how it took away all of the problems, all of the fears, all of the struggles. I felt as if I was on top of the world, unstoppable. Euphoria. Jubilation. Love. Euphoria. Jubilation. Love. Euphoria. Jubilation. Love.
Hate. Hate. Hate.
Deep breath.
I released.
I felt empty in every way possible.
Turning on the sink, I washed my hands and stared into the mirror, looking deep into my own eyes. Brown eyes that weren’t important. Brown eyes that were sad. Brown eyes that were overshadowed by a vague depression.
I shook off the feeling, dried my hands, and returned to her.
She was getting dressed, wiping her eyes.
“You’re leaving?” I asked.
She nodded.
“You”—I cleared my throat— “You can stay the night.” I promised again. “I’m not some dick who would kick you out at three in the morning. Besides, it’s your motel room. I’ll leave.”
“I told my boyfriend I’d be home after I got back into town,” she said to me, a forced smile on her lips. Wearing only her bra and panties, she moved toward the balcony, opened the door, but didn’t step outside. It was a deluge, raindrops hammering against the metal cage. The rain always reminded me of Alyssa and how much she hated sleeping during a rainstorm. I wondered where her mind was tonight. I wondered how she was dealing with the sounds against her windowsill.
“I can’t sleep, Lo. Can you come over?”
Alyssa’s voice played like a recording in my mind, over and over again her sounds took voyage in my brain until I pushed her out.
Sadie combed her fingers through her long locks of hair. Her forced smile fell to a frown. “He probably isn’t home yet. I hated sleeping alone when I was single. And now that I’m in a relationship, I still feel alone.”
“Am I supposed to feel bad for you because you’re a cheater?” I asked.
“He doesn’t love me.”
“I can tell how much you love him, though,” I mocked.
“You don’t understand,” she defensively stated. “He’s controlling. He’s pushed everyone I ever cared about away from me. I used to be clean, like you are right now. I used to never fuck with drugs until I ran into him. He trapped me, and now when he does come home, he’ll smell like a perfume that I don’t own. He’ll climb into bed and not even touch me once.”
Thoughts started running through my head that I knew were a bad idea.
Stay with me tonight.
Stay with me in the morning.
Stay with me.
Loneliness was the voice in the back of your head that made you make bad decisions based solely on a broken heart.
“Does it feel weird? Being back here?” she asked, changing the subject. Smart move. A slow turn of her body and we were staring into one another’s eyes again. A crimson color affected her cheeks and I swore I felt my heart break with the mere idea of her being alone.
“A little.”
“Did you see Kellan yet?”
“You know my brother?”
“He plays at open mics around town. He’s really good, too.” I didn’t know he’d been playing music again. She arched an eyebrow, curious. “Are you two close?”
“I’ve been in Iowa for five years and he’s been here in Wisconsin.”
She nodded in understanding.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, we’re close.”
“Best friends?”
“Only friend.”
“I’m really freakin’ shocked about your friendship with Alyssa not lasting. I thought you would’ve had her knocked up or something by now.”
There was a time when I thought that, too.
Stop talking about Alyssa. Stop thinking about Alyssa.
Maybe if I stayed the night tonight with Sadie, I wouldn’t let Alyssa fill my mind. Maybe if I fell asleep with her in my arms, I wouldn’t overthink being back in the same place where the one girl who I’d ever loved still resided. Stepping closer to Sadie, I brushed my hand over my chin. “Look you can—”
“I shouldn’t,” she sighed, cutting me off. She was strange. Our stare broke as she looked to the ground. “He’s never cheated on me. He’s… He loves me.” Her sudden confession made my mind race.
She was a liar.
She was a cheater.
She’s leaving.
“Just stay.” I requested, and sounded more desperate than I wanted to. “I’ll sleep on the couch.” It wasn’t exactly a couch, but more of a broken down futon that had more stains than cushion. To be honest I’d probably be more comfortable on the dirty carpeted floor. Or, I could’ve called Kellan and slept at his place.
But I wasn’t ready for that.
The moment I saw someone from my past—someone I actually remembered—I knew I’d fall back into the old world. The world I ran from. The world that almost killed me. I wasn’t ready. How could one be ready to look their past in the eye and pretend that all of the hurt and pain was gone?
She slipped into her dress and glanced over her left shoulder toward me. Eyes filled with compassionate sorrow. “Zip me?”
It only took three footsteps before I was standing behind her, zipping up her dress that hugged every curve of her body. My hands rested against her waist and she leaned back against me.
“Can you call me a cab?”
I could and I did. The moment she left, she thanked me, and told me that I could stay the night at the motel—she had already paid and it shouldn’t have gone to waste. I took her up on the offer, but I wasn’t sure why she thanked me. I didn’t do anything for her. If anything, I made her a cheater.
No.
A first time cheater probably felt some kind of guilt.
She just felt empty.
I hoped I never saw her again, because being around other empty individuals was draining.
After she left, I paced the motel room for an hour. Were there other people out there like me? Other people who felt so alone that they would rather spend meaningless nights with meaningless people just to have a few hours of staring into someone else’s eyes?
I hated being alone, because when I was alone, I was reminded of all the things I hated about myself. I remembered all of my past mistakes that brought me to the point where instead of living, I simply existed. If I truly lived life, I’d end up hurting anyone that came near me, and I couldn’t do that anymore. That meant I had to be alone.
In the past, I was never alone when I had my drugs—my silent, deadly, destructive friends. I was never alone when I had my greatest high.
Alyssa…
Shit.
My mind was messing with me, the palms of my hands itching. I tried to watch television, but there was only reality garbage on the screen. I tried to draw for a while, but the pen in the room had no ink. I tried to shut off my brain, but I kept thinking about the best high I ever had.
When would I see her?
Would I see her at all?
Of course. Her sister’s marrying my brother.
Did I want to see her?
No.
I didn’t.
God.
I did.
I wanted to hold her, yet at the same time never touch her again.
I wanted to kiss her, yet at the same time never remember her curves.
I wanted to…
Shut up, brain.
Lifting my cell phone, I held down the number two. The voice was different that time, but the greeting was the same.
They thanked me for calling the drug and alcohol hotline. They welcomed me to talk about my current struggles and urges in a confidential setting.
I hung up, like always.
Because people like me, with a past like mine, didn’t deserve help. They deserved seclusion.
My steps moved to the balcony, and I lit a cigarette, resting it against a dry spot on the ground. I listened to the rain hammer against the town of True Falls, and my eyes shut. I took a deep breath, and allowed myself to hurt for the short period that the cigarette burned.
I thought about Alyssa. I thought about Ma. I thought about all the drugs.
Then, I always ended up thinking about the child that I could’ve held if it weren’t for the demons inside of me.
Sometimes the cigarette burned for eight minutes. Other times, ten.
One thing that never changed, no matter how long the cigarette lasted, was how my shattered heart still found ways to break into even smaller pieces.
15
Alyssa
Each day I carpooled to work with my neighbor, a seventy-year-old waitress named Lori. We both worked the morning shift at Hungry Harry’s diner, and hated every single moment of it. Lori had been working there for the past twenty-five years, and told me that her escape plan was to marry one of those Chris boys. Evans, Hemsworth, or Pratt, she wasn’t picky. Every day we’d drive over and Lori always complained about being five minutes early, stating that the worst place you could ever arrive early to was your place of employment. I didn’t blame her.
I’d been working at Hungry Harry’s for the past five years. The worst thing about the job was I’d go in smelling like rose perfume and peach shampoo, and I’d walk out smelling like fried burgers and hash browns—every single day. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that every hour I worked put me closer to my dream of opening a piano bar.
“You can do it, youngin’,” Lori said as we pulled up to the diner. “You’re still cool and hip. You got plenty of time to make that vision become a reality. The key is to not listen to the outside noise from those around you. People always have opinions on lives that they don’t live—just keep your head up high and avoid listening to their bullshit.”
“Good advice,” I smiled, knowing she was only talking to keep us from having to walk into the building a second earlier than our punch-in time.
“You know what my mama would say to me when I was being bullied as a kid?”
“What’s that?”
“One day at a time. That’s all it takes to get through anything. Don’t think too much about the future or keep your brain running on the past treadmill—just stay in the now. Be here now. That’s the best way to live life. In the moment. One day at a time.”
One day at a time. One day at a time.
I repeated those words in my mind when a rude customer screamed at me about their eggs being too scrambled, or when a baby threw a plate of food on the floor and the parents blamed me, or when a drunk dude threw up on my shoes.
I hated the food service industry. But then again, it was good to see the ins and outs of such a place, because when I had the piano bar, such a big part of it would be about running the kitchen.
Just one day at a time.
“Do you always shake your hips like that after you’re done taking someone’s order?” a voice mocked, making me smile when I realized the source.
“Only when I know they’ll be good tippers,” I smiled, turning around to see Dan standing behind me, his hands filled with files. He looked so handsome in his navy blue slacks and light blue, button down shirt with his sleeves rolled up. His smile was big and bright as always, and he was giving that grin to me. Stuffing my pad of paper and pen into my apron, I walked over to him. “What brings you around this early?”
“I was looking into the property we’ve been talking about getting.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I love it. I really do, but there’s a termite issue. Do you have a minute to go over some things? I brought a few more floor plans of other places that we could check out.”
I frowned, glancing around the diner. “I think my boss would fire me if I stopped working to look at piano bars.”
Dan was a friend I crossed paths with a few years ago at a piano bar. He was currently working for one of the best realtors in the state, and when I told him my idea about opening a piano bar, he jumped at the idea of helping me look into places—even though I told him it would be a long while before that day came to life.
“Oh no, of course. I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop in for some hash browns and coffee. I’m on my way to work anyway.”
I smiled wide and he smiled wider. “We can look over them tomorrow night if that works?”
“Yeah, yeah!” He exclaimed, excitement overtaking him. “I can bring them to your place. We can order Chinese food, and I can bring wine. I could even cook steak or something for you…” His voice faded off as he grew a bit too joyful. He ran his hands through his hair, shrugging. “You know, or whatever.”
“That sounds like a plan. Just a heads up though, my house is still a piece of work. And with the rain, there’s been a few leaks through the roof.”
“My offer still stands about you crashing at my place until you finish updating your house. I know that stuff can be a headache.”
“Thanks, but I think I’ll pioneer my way through the complication that is my home.”
“Okay. Well, I better get going to work, but I’ll meet you tomorrow at your place to go over these.” He shook the files in the air and winked my way.
“Wait. I thought you came in for coffee and hash browns?”
“Oh, yeah. I did, but I just realized…” He was a bit flustered, and I couldn’t help but smile. “I should really get to work a bit early to look some things over for my boss.”
“Then tomorrow it is. I’ll supply the alcohol; you supply the properties.”
With that he disappeared. I let out a sigh. Dan has had the same crush on me for the last three years, virtually since we met, but I never felt that kind of connection to him. He was an important person in my life, though, and I always hoped he’d be okay with just being friends.
“I swear, he brings you properties, has a solid job, lies about wanting hash browns just to see you, has that ‘screw-me-sideways’ kind of smile, and offers to cook you steak. But you can’t even take up the offer to stay with him for a while?” Lori said, carrying a tray with scrambled eggs, hash browns, and sausage links.
I laughed. “My house is fine. I’ve spent all these years saving up to buy my dream home, and now that I have it, I’m not ready to let it go. It just needs a few Band-Aids, that’s all.”
“Honey. Your house needs a bit more than Band-Aids.” She smirked, placing the plates of food down on table five before she headed back over to me with a hand on her hip and sass in her lips. “I’m just saying. If I had Dan offering me a bed, I’d move in with him and have him show me his floor plans on every inch of my body, in every inch of the house.”
“Lori!” I shushed her, my cheeks heating up.
“I’m just saying. You’re working three jobs to pay for a house that you need to fix up anyway, in order to prove that you can be an independent woman. You could fix up the house and live with Dan, you know.”
“The house isn’t that much of a fixer-upper,” I argued.
“Aly.” She moaned, slapping her hand against her face. “The last time I came over to share a bottle of wine, I used your bathroom and I didn’t close the door when I used it. You know why? Because there wasn’t a bathroom door.”
I laughed. “Okay. I get it. So it’s a fixer-upper. But, I like the challenge.”
“Hm. You must be a really good lay for Dan to stick around the way he does.”
“What? Dan and I haven’t slept together.”
“Seriously?” she exclaimed. “You mean he’s drooling over you, and you two have never done the deed?”
“Never.”
“But… That smile!”
I giggled. “I know. But he’s a good friend. I have a big rule for my relationships, and it includes never dating any of my friends. Ever.” I’d been down that road before, and was never planning to travel down it again. To this day I still thought about Logan and mourned the friendship I loved and lost.
We would’ve been better off never falling in love.
“You know, Charles and I were best friends before we decided to date. He was the love of my life, and no one has ever compared. He used to make me laugh so hard, before I even knew what love was. Some of the best things in life come from the strongest kinds of friendships,” Lori explained. Her head lowered, and she gripped the locket hanging from her necklace, which held their wedding photo inside of it. “Boy, oh boy, do I miss that man madly.” She hardly ever spoke about Charles, her late husband. But whenever she did, there was a twinkle in her eyes as if her mind was traveling back to the day she first fell in love with him.
Our boss told us to stop chatting so much and get back to work, which we did. We were always busy in the mornings, serving more people than seemed humanly possible, but the busier we were, the less time I had to think about things.
“Are you good on coffee?” I asked a woman sitting near the window. I held the coffee pot in my grip as I made my way around to all my tables for refills.
“Yeah, I’m good. Thank you.”
I smiled wide, and when I glanced up out of the window, my heart caught in my chest. My fingers landed against the glass, trying to reach out and touch the figure across the way. When I blinked once more, what I thought I saw was gone. A shiver ran down my spine, and I stood up straight.
Lori glanced up in my direction. “You okay, Alyssa? You look like you saw a—
“Ghost?” I said, finishing her sentence.
“Exactly.” She came over and looked out the window. “What is it?”
A ghost.
“Nothing. It was nothing,” I said, taking my coffee pot to the next table.
It was my imagination, that’s all.
The Elements Series Complete Box Set Page 37