“You too, Logan. You look good. Really good, man.”
“You too. And um, I never was able to say this, but I’m sorry about what I said so long ago. About your porn addiction and the fork comment.”
He laughed. “I forgive you, buddy. Even though it wasn’t a fork, it was a chilled spoon. And hey! Don’t forget to get me that list of hair products!”
I didn’t know if that made it more normal, or more awkward, but either way, it was good to be around a familiar face.
20
Logan
“You guys are late!” Erika whined as we walked into the house—which looked completely different than when we left. Everything was moved around, the dining room table, the sofas, the television. I felt as if I’d walked into the twilight zone. “Mom will be here soon.”
“I’m going to go shower before dinner,” I said.
“Good. I left a set of towels and extra items that you might have needed in the guest room.” Erika gestured her head to the back room. “Now, Kellan, come taste the mashed potatoes I made.”
“Wait, time out. Erika is cooking dinner?” I asked, fear in my throat. I felt another stab in my side from Kellan, but I couldn’t hold this one in. “Last time I ate food that she made, the chicken was still clucking, Kellan!”
“Dude. Just… Go shower.”
As I walked away into my room, I snickered hearing Erika say she’d work really hard on not killing me. Sitting on the bed was a box containing clean towels, a toothbrush, floss, Q-tips, safety pins, body wash, deodorant, and everything else a person might need.
I knew she hadn’t gone to the store, so she legit just had this stuff laying around. Sometimes being a bit crazy came in handy.
The shower water ran over me nice and hot. I shampooed and conditioned my hair, as my mind tried to replay each and every moment of running into Alyssa. Her smells, her touches, her smiles, her frowns.
The idea of staying in town solely for the purpose of maybe running into her crossed my mind. But a lot could change in five years, especially after all the missed calls I received from her.
I should’ve called her back. I should’ve answered the phone.
After a few minutes, I was snapped back from my thoughts when I heard knocking at the front door. I shut off the shower, toweled off, and tossed on a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt.
“Was someone smoking in here?” Erika’s mom, Lauren, asked loudly, her voice traveling down the halls.
“What? No, come on in, Mom.”
“It smells like smoke,” Lauren said, her voice filled with disappointment.
In the other room Lauren muttered, shocked once she heard about my return to town. I took a deep breath and snapped the band on my wrist. It doesn’t matter what people think of me. I’m not the same person I was when I left. Their opinions didn’t define me.
It was all mumble jumble that Dr. Khan told me when I was in the rehab clinic, but in that moment, that mumble jumble gave me the strength to exit the bathroom and face more individuals from my past.
“Is he still on drugs?” Lauren wondered out loud as I turned the corner.
“Not today,” I replied, putting on a bright, fake smile. Fake it til you make it, Lo. Just one dinner and then you’re on a train back to Iowa. “Lauren, it’s good to see you.” I extended my hand to her for a shake, but she refused it, pulling her purse closer to her side.
“I thought it was just going to be us for dinner,” Lauren said, her voice heightened with annoyance. “And I thought we were going to a restaurant to eat?” Lauren frowned a lot more than she smiled, and even though she had Alyssa’s eyes, she didn’t have her kind spirit.
“We just thought it would be better to have a small dinner, without all of the noise of the restaurant. Come on in, there’s already wine bottles open on the table, and Erika cooked up a great meal,” Kellan replied with a big smile. I wondered if his grin was as fake as mine.
Before we could sit down to eat, there was another knock at the door. When Erika opened it, my gut tightened seeing Alyssa standing there, holding two bottles of wine.
Whenever she entered a room, my mind melted a little. Keep the wall up, Logan.
“Do you still have room for one more?” she asked, smiling.
“Yeah, definitely, we can make room,” Erika said, rushing to make another plate setting.
Lauren huffed. “It’s extremely rude to just show up to someone’s house and ask for an extra seat at the dinner table.”
“It’s good to see you too, Mom,” Alyssa sassed.
My stare stayed on Alyssa, and her eyes found mine. She gave me a small smile, and I had to break the stare before I got lost in my mind. Being back here, being near her, was so much harder than anything I’d ever had to do.
And I’ve done a ton of hard shit.
We all sat down to eat, my seat right next to Lauren’s, who seemed more nervous than not. Kellan poured everyone wine. I was quick to lift my glass and take a big gulp.
“Should you be drinking?” Lauren asked.
“No, probably not,” I said, finishing my first glass and pouring another. We all started eating Erika’s disgusting food, which I had to chew five times more than normal just to swallow it down, but I didn’t complain.
“How are they treating you at the law firm, Kellan?” Lauren asked. The girls’ mom was a lawyer and one of her favorite things about Kellan was that he studied law and found a successful job where he made good money, and hated his soul.
Kellan cleared his throat, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “I actually quit over a month ago.”
I cocked an eyebrow, shocked. “No shit?”
“What?” Lauren asked, surprised. She turned to Erika. “You didn’t tell me that. Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“It didn’t really seem my place, Mom.”
“But why? Why did you quit?” she questioned.
“It wasn’t a part of my heart, I guess,” Kellan said, squeezing Erika’s hand. They smiled at one another and for a moment I saw it—the love that Kellan said he always felt. Those two really did care for one another. “Leaving the firm gives me a chance to pursue my other passions.”
“Like what?” Lauren asked.
“My music. Playing my guitar.”
“That’s a hobby, not a job.” Lauren frowned. She was one negative Nancy.
“Mom. You do know that I work at a piano bar for a living, right?” Alyssa mentioned.
“Oh, honey.” Lauren frowned. “You work at a diner, a furniture store, and play a piano in dirty bars at night. That’s not really something you want to be broadcasting to the world as some kind of accomplishment.”
Still a bitch, I see.
“I think music is really important,” Kellan said, chiming in. “It’s fun. The gigs I’ve been getting pay good money, too. It’s something I love. And life is too short to not do what you love.”
“Here, here!” I mocked, drinking more wine. “That’s why I drink so much wine,” I smirked, winking at Lauren, loving how uncomfortable I made her.
“You’ll see the show tomorrow. My friend’s having me play at his restaurant.”
“What? You said we were going to the theatre tomorrow,” Lauren said, turning to Erika.
“No…I said we were going to a show,” her daughter replied. The two were so much alike it was almost impossible to see how Alyssa fit into that equation.
“No worries, really. It will all be fun. Plus, after the show, we can swing by the reception hall for the wedding next month,” Kellan explained.
“What?” Lauren questioned.
Erika started coughing harshly, trying to clear her throat. “Anyone want more wine?”
“What do you mean the wedding is next month?”
“You didn’t tell her?” Kellan asked, frowning at his fiancée.
“Tell me what?” Lauren asked.
“I forgot,” Erika replied. Wow. I felt like I was watching a bad sitcom unfold in front of me. “We m
oved the wedding up to next month. But don’t worry! You don’t have to do anything but show up.”
“No. The wedding is next year. I thought we were waiting until you finished your master’s degree, Erika. Plus, I’m the one paying for the wedding. Didn’t you think I had a right to know this? We already made down payments on the reception hall! And now you’re saying you found a new location?”
“We’ll pay you back the down payment. It was a last minute change.”
“Last minute change? Give me a reason. One good reason why we have to rush this. There are so many things to figure out. Flowers, cake, the food. Dresses, invitations, everything. There isn’t enough time.” Lauren kept whining.
“We don’t need all of that stuff, Mom. We are just going to keep it simple.”
Every now and then I’d catch Alyssa staring my way, and she’d look away quickly. Every now and then she’d catch me staring her way, and I’d look away quickly. I hardly wanted to pay attention to the conversation happening at the table. I was much more interested in watching Alyssa and me try to avoid one another.
“You’ve been planning your dream wedding since you were five, Erika Rose. And now you just don’t care about those details? No. We had a plan. We are sticking to the plan. Plus, Kellan doesn’t even have a job right now!”
“He has a gig tonight,” I jumped into the conversation with a smirk. Alyssa laughed. I died from the sound. Why did she have to be so beautiful? I was really hoping I’d come back to town and she’d look and smell like a skunk.
No luck there.
“I just don’t understand the rush. You should hold off until next year like we had planned,” her mom offered. “We should stick to the plan.”
“Plans change, Mom. It’s fine.”
“Tell me why. Why now? This is such a radical change. Don’t you think you should be more focused on the fact that Kellan is unemployed? How are you even going to make ends meet for this house? Huh? Have you thought about any of this? The property taxes on a home this size in this neighborhood have to be high. I told you both not to buy a place this big, but you wouldn’t listen. What’s the plan?” Her mom kept asking her again and again. I felt bad for Erika. Her face was red and her nerves were rocked.
“I love him! I love him, Mom. What does it matter if we get married today or years from now? I want to be with him.”
“It’s not logical. You’re sounding very much like your sister, Erika.”
Alyssa blew a small breath from her lips. “I’m right here, Mom.”
“Well, it’s true. You were always the wild flame that I couldn’t extinguish. You were all over the place, you still are, Alyssa. But Erika, you’re the tame one. You’re the one with a good head on your shoulders. But now you’re acting as if you have no sense.”
I watched Alyssa’s eyes water over, but she bit her tongue. I went to snap at Lauren for talking about her in such a way, but I paused when I saw Alyssa slightly shake her head at me not to.
What did I care anyway? It wasn’t my job to fight her battles.
Erika opened her mouth to speak, but Kellan’s words came out first, silencing the room. “I have cancer.”
Wait.
What?
No.
My heart dropped into my stomach, and I felt acid climbing up my throat as he kept talking. “We’ve been dealing with this news for a while, unsure how to handle telling you all. I already had surgery to remove a tumor, and I’ll be starting my first chemo treatment soon, but—”
“I’m sorry. Slow down. Back up. What?” I interrupted him. My blood was boiling, and I felt myself on the verge of a breakdown. My fingers dug into the side of my chair, as my body started to shake. What the hell was he talking about? Kellan didn’t have cancer. Kellan was healthy. He was always healthy. He was the only one in our family who wasn’t a mess. He couldn’t be sick. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
No.
No.
Alyssa’s eyes saddened by the news, and she almost reached out to take my hand, but I shook my head. He went to speak, but I stood up, uninterested in him explaining. I didn’t want him to say any-fucking-thing else, because his words were currently toxic and they were poisoning my soul. I needed air. Lots of air. I headed for the patio door, and stepped outside. The cool air rushed at my steaming face, and I let out a pained breath. My hands gripped the railing as I stared out into the darkened sky, taking deep breaths, trying my best to not fall apart.
I shut my eyes and snapped the band on my wrist once.
It’s not real…
I couldn’t open my eyes.
He was fine. He was healthy.
I snapped the band on my wrist twice.
It’s not real. It’s not real…
The sliding door opened to the balcony, and I listened to the footsteps grow closer. Kellan leaned against the railing beside me.
“You set me up,” I said.
“I didn’t want to tell you like that. I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“What kind?”
“Colon.”
Shit.
“I—” My voice started but then it trailed off. I felt like I should say something, yet I didn’t know what the right words were. Were there any right words in a situation like this one?
My fingers gripped the railing tighter. “We have to go see TJ. I won’t believe it until he tells me straight to my face.” TJ was the doctor that both Kellan and I always went to as kids. He was a good friend of Kellan’s father, so even though I hadn’t had any money or healthcare to go to a doctor’s office, TJ always checked me out for free. He was a weird guy, but a good man, and the only doctor I’d trust to tell me the truth about my brother’s diagnosis.
“Logan.” Kellan’s voice softened. “I’ve already spoken with TJ. Besides, he’s not an oncologist.”
“I trust him,” I said through clenched teeth. “I trust him, Kellan. And only him.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay. We’ll go see TJ tomorrow if it will make you feel better.”
“It will.” I cleared my throat. “Until then, tell me everything you know. What stage are you in? It’s curable, right? How do we get rid of it? What can I do? How do I help? How do we fix this?” How do I fix you?
“It’s stage three.” No. That’s not good. “But for now, we wait. Like I said, I had the surgery to remove the tumor and two lymph nodes. We start chemotherapy in a week and we have to give it time to see if it works. The chemo will help stop any potential cells that may have spread elsewhere in my system.”
“What happens if they spread elsewhere?”
He went quiet.
No.
No.
No.
I bit my tongue. “You should’ve told me.”
“I know.”
We turned around to face the house. Erika screamed at her mother as she yelled back at her. Alyssa tried her best to neutralize the situation, but had no luck whatsoever.
“You can’t marry a person who has cancer, Erika. It makes no sense! You’re thinking with your heart instead of your head.”
What a fucking awful thing to say to a person.
“God. Their mom is insane. I forgot how insane she is. She actually makes Erika seem…normal?”
“She’s a tough one, that’s for sure.” Kellan dropped his head a little and stared at his shoes. “She’s not completely wrong, though.”
“What?”
“Erika’s in this panic mode. She’s rushing to marry me, just in case something happens. Just in case, things go wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be her husband but…” His words faded off and he looked back up into his home, which seemed like it was seconds away from exploding.
I wanted to dive deeper into his thoughts on marrying Erika, but I could tell by his body language that he wasn’t in the mood.
The conversation going on inside the house must’ve hit its boiling point, because Lauren went storming off. Erika quickly started clearing the dining room table,
breaking plates in the sink, and rearranging chairs while Alyssa stood back watching.
“Uh, should we go help her?” I asked.
He shook his head. “It’s part of her process. Just let it happen.”
I snapped my band once more. Or twice. Maybe fifteen times.
“You know what’s crazy? I smoke and you get cancer.”
“What’s yours is mine…”
“And what’s mine is yours,” I replied.
“If it makes you feel better, you can’t get colon cancer from smoking. But you should stop smoking.”
I huffed at his parenting voice.
But he wasn’t wrong.
“Grandpa had colon cancer,” I said, my voice cracking. It was what ended his life.
“Yeah.” Kellan nodded. “I know.”
The only person in my life who loved me like my brother did was my grandfather. Watching his life be sucked away from him was the hardest thing I’d ever had to witness. What was even worse was how fast it happened. One day he was there, and a few months later, he wasn’t. I didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye, because he lived so far away.
“Listen. Maybe I should move back here for a while. I really had nothing going on back in Iowa.”
“Yeah?” he asked, sniffling his nose, placing his hands on the back of his head.
“Yeah. No big deal. I might even go see Ma soon. See how she’s been doing.”
“It’s not good,” he said. “I was going to go grab her food stamps card and take her some groceries later this week.”
“I can pick it up tomorrow.”
He cringed. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Logan. You know…with you being clean and all. Plus, with what you just found out. I don’t want you falling back into that world.”
“It’s fine,” I assured him. “I can handle it.”
“Are you sure?”
I laughed and shoved him. “Dude. You’re the one with cancer, and you’re sitting here worrying about me. Stop. You’ve taken care of Ma and me our whole lives. It’s my turn, okay?” When the word cancer fell from my lips I felt like dying.
“Okay,” he sighed, crossing his arms. “I have a few things to do tomorrow after we go see TJ, but Erika can drive you.”
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