She didn’t reply, but her lips curved up.
Once we reached her porch, she opened her mouth to invite me in, and I shook my head. “I can’t anymore.”
The sting of disappointment hit her blue eyes. Then the embarrassment reddened her cheeks. “Oh, yeah. No big deal.” I could tell that I hurt her with my simple words.
I was so tired.
It had been such a long day.
A long life.
A long, tiring life.
“I relapsed, Alyssa.” I rubbed my fingers against my forehead.
Her eyes shot from embarrassment to worry. “What? What happened? How? With what?”
My voice lowered, and I shrugged. “With you.”
“What?”
“I came back, and my world was rocked again. I was back in my past, except this time it was worse because my brother was sick, and I went straight to my greatest high to help me forget for a while. I went to you. You’ve always been my safe haven, High. You’ve been my escape route from all of the crap that surrounded me. But it’s not fair to you, or to me. I want to get clean. I want to be able to stand up and not find the need to forget, which means I can’t relapse again, and we can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep sleeping together. But I need you.”
“Lo…”
“Wait. Let me get this out because it’s been spinning in my mind for so long now. I know I’m not the same boy I was back then, but parts of that guy still linger within me. And I know we said the sex wouldn’t mean anything, but I think we know that it meant everything, which is why we can’t do it anymore. But, I need you. I need you to be my friend. Everything in my life has been hard. Everything in life has made me hard. Except for you and Kellan.
“And I know it’s selfish of me to ask this of you right now. I know it’s selfish, because I need someone to hold me up while I try to hold my brother too, but I need you. I need you to be my friend again, but that’s it, because I can’t hurt you again. I can’t be with you, but I need you. I need you. We won’t talk about the past. We won’t worry about the future. But we’ll just be us, be friends. Here and now. If you’re okay with that? Because I miss laughing, and I always laughed with you. I miss talking, and I could always talk to you. I miss you. So, I was wondering, can we be friends again?”
She leaned against the doorframe, appearing deep in thought before a smile found her lips. “We never stopped being friends, Logan. We were just in a weird time out.”
34
Alyssa
As tensions between Logan and I finally calmed down and we found our way to a new friendship, the rocky waters between Kellan and Erika began to build. Late one night, after a bad doctor’s appointment, the two came into the house fighting, as I sat on their couch, setting up Kellan’s medicine that Erika asked me to get from the pharmacy. I’d been staying at their place for a few days, just in order to help out with things. Plus, I was worried about Kellan more than I wanted to admit.
“You’re not listening!” Kellan shouted, straining his voice.
“No, I’m listening. What you’re saying is that you don’t want to marry me.”
“Of course I want to marry you, Erika. But it just doesn’t make sense now. If I died, you’d be left with all of the baggage. All of the bills, all of the…”
“I don’t care!”
“Well I do!”
“Why are you acting like this?” Erika flipped around to me. “Alyssa, can you tell Kellan how unreasonable he’s being?”
My lips parted and, before I could speak, Kellan said, “Don’t drag your sister into this!” I shut my mouth. I would’ve gone home, but they were standing right in the foyer blocking my path. So I sunk into the sofa, trying to become invisible.
She sighed heavily. “Let’s not talk about this right now. Let’s just calm down. Tomorrow is your chemo appointment, so we should rest before we go to that.”
“You’re not coming,” he said.
“What?”
“I said you’re not coming. You flunked your last exam. You haven’t been studying as much as you used to, and you can’t keep falling behind. I’ll have Logan come with me.”
“Why are you shutting me out?” Erika whipped around to me again. “Why is he shutting me out?!”
I opened my mouth, and once again, Kellan spoke before I could. “Stop bringing her into this! You aren’t coming to my chemotherapy appointment, all right?!”
“Why not?!”
“Because you’re smothering me!” he shouted, louder than I’ve ever heard him yell. “You are smothering me with questions, and packets, and pills, and your goddamn wedding planning and your goddamn lamps! I can’t breathe, Erika!” He swung his arms in irritation, knocking a lamp off of the side table. As it crashed, the room went silent. Kellan’s eyes grew heavy with guilt as tears began to fall down Erika’s face.
Kellan lowered his voice, stepping closer to my sister. “I’m sorry, I just—”
She shrugged. “I know.”
Suddenly Logan came crashing out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, dripping wet with water. His hair was dripping with some weird looking concoction that was slimy and green, and his eyes were wide in panic.
“What’s happening?!” he said, flustered, almost slipping on the water trail he created himself. He looked so serious, yet so ridiculous that the three of us couldn’t help but start hysterically laughing.
“What the heck is on your head?” I exclaimed.
He narrowed his eyes, confused by our laughter. “It’s the third Monday of the month. It’s an egg and avocado mask for deep conditioning.” We laughed harder, and the room which had previously been filled with anger and confusion was replaced with family and laughter.
“You know what we need?” Kellan said, lightly kissing Erika’s cheek.
“What’s that?”
“A music dance break.”
“What’s a music dance break?” Logan and I said in unison.
They both ignored us. “Kellan, no. It’s been a long day,” Erika disagreed. “And like you said, I need to study…”
“No. It’s happening. Music dance break.”
“But,’’ she groaned.
“I have cancer,” he said.
Her mouth dropped open and she smacked him in the arm. “Did you just play the cancer card on me?”
His smile grew. “I did.”
I waited to see Erika yell at him, to tell him how his words hurt her, but instead she smiled. They exchanged glances and looks that only they understood, and she nodded once. “Fine. One song. One, Kellan.”
I’d never seen him smile so big. “One song!”
“Our song,” she ordered.
He hurried out of the room, leaving a very confused me, and slimy Logan standing there. Then he came out with two conga drums, and two rain sticks, handing one to me, and the other to Logan.
“What’s going on?” Logan asked. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?”
Erika stared at Logan as if he was a complete baboon. She took the stick from his grasp, and turned it upside down, making the rain sound. She handed it back to him.
“Duh, Lo,” I mocked.
He flipped me off.
Butterflies formed.
That was nothing new.
Kellan sat in front of the conga drums and started playing them. It took me a second to pick up on the beat of the song, but when it clicked in my head, my heart melted for the type of love my sister and Kellan had. He was playing Ingrid Michaelson’s song, “The Way I Am.”
Their song.
Kellan sang the first verse to Erika as she smiled, swaying back and forth. Logan and I added in the rain sticks, and both began to dance with Erika, as Kellan pounded against the congas.
Erika sang the second verse, and the love between her and Kellan filled the house with light as the words of the song fell from her tongue. Words about loving one another no matter the pain, words about being there for each other even when walking
through the flames of life.
It was beautiful.
When we reached the long musical moment with no lyrics, Logan took both Erika’s and my hands, and spun us around, still wearing his towel, still with green goop dripping off his hair. Then, the room grew quiet when Erika began to sing the final verse—the verse that made tears fill everyone’s eyes. She sang the words about loving him when he lost all his hair, as she ran her fingers through his locks, leaning her forehead against Kellan’s lips. He kissed her gently, and they finished singing the lyrics together, as one.
The last noise heard was Logan’s rain stick dying down.
“Wow,” he said, wrapping his hand over his mouth, staring at his brother and Erika. “You two are fucking perfect.”
Erika laughed lightly before looking at Kellan. “I don’t want to marry you.”
He sighed. “Yes you do.”
“No. Well, yeah, I do. But not until you’re better. Not until you’re healthy. We’ll wait. We’ll kick cancer’s ass. Then you’ll marry my ass.”
He pulled her close to him, kissing her hard. “I’m going to marry the hell out of you.”
“Heck yeah you are.”
“Oh my God. Get a room,” Logan moaned, rolling his eyes. “I’m going to go wash this crap out of my hair.”
“Speaking of…” Kellan cleared his throat and narrowed his eyes. “Do you guys think you could do something for me?”
Logan shook his head back and forth with disgust. “This is a terrible idea.”
“For the first time ever, Logan and I agree on something,” Erika said, tossing her hands up in shock.
“I say just go for it.” The four of us were scrunched in the bathroom, a pair of hair clippers in my hand.
“Thank you, Alyssa! Finally, someone on my side. Besides, babe,” Kellan turned to Erika with a big grin. “A ton of people are shaving their heads now.”
“Well, he’s not wrong there,” Logan agreed. “It’s kind of what people do in Hollywood. Shaved heads is the new trend.”
“Then you shave yours,” Erika challenged, taking the clippers from my grasp, then holding them out to Logan.
His eyes widened with horror, and he held a finger up to her. “You watch your language.”
“But Logan’s right. A ton of celebrities have shaved their heads for roles,” Kellan tried explaining to his panicked fiancée.
“Name some.”
“Bryan Cranston!” I said. “For Breaking Bad.”
“Joseph Gordon-Levitt did in 50/50!” Logan tossed in.
“I’m sorry, can we not name actors who were playing terminally-ill patients when they shaved their heads?” Erika requested. Fair enough.
“The Rock!”
“Hugh Jackman!”
“Matt Damon!”
“Jake Gyllenhaal—twice,” Logan exclaimed.
“Really?” Kellan asked. “Twice?”
“Jarhead and End of Watch.”
“Bad ass,” Kellan nodded, holding out his fist, which Logan fist bumped.
“Total bad ass.”
What losers.
“You guys.” I stood up straight and turned on the clippers. “It is time.”
Erika held her breath and covered her eyes. “Okay. Do it!”
“Do it!” Kellan exclaimed.
“Do it! Do it!” Logan chanted.
So I did it.
35
Logan
“What are you doing here?” Alyssa asked, opening her front door, finding me standing there with a brand new door and a tool kit.
“I couldn’t help but notice the few times that I’ve come to your house that there was some work that needed to be done.”
“What are you talking about?” She smiled. “This house is the definition of perfection.”
I cocked an eyebrow, walked over to her porch railing, and pulled it straight up, seeing how nothing was securing it to the steps of the porch. She giggled. “Okay, so it’s not perfect. It’s also not your job to fix.” She bit her bottom lip. “Are you wearing a tool belt?”
“I’m definitely wearing a tool belt, which makes it my job to fix. So, if you could please step aside and let me put a door on your bathroom, that’d be great.” I spent the next six hours fixing things around her place, and she helped me hammer a few things into place. The last thing I did was climb on top of her roof, and try to patch up a few spots.
“Do you know what you’re doing?” Alyssa shouted up to me. She refused to climb up to the roof, because unlike the billboard, there was no railing of protection.
“Of course I know what I’m doing,” I shouted back.
“But how?”
I turned to her and gave her a sly smile. “I saw a documentary once on roofing.”
Her eyes bugged out and her hands waved back and forth. “Nope. Nope. Get down, Logan Francis Silverstone. Now! Watching a documentary does not make you a professional.”
“No, but the tool belt does!”
“Logan.”
“Alyssa.”
“Lo.”
“High.”
“Get down, now. Come get some water. Just… I’ll hire a person to check out the roof, okay? Then you won’t feel like you have to fix it.”
I chuckled and started climbing down the ladder. “Good. Because I had no clue what the heck I was doing.”
Once my feet hit the ground, she shoved me hard, and narrowed her eyes. “Don’t be an idiot like that ever again. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Pinky?” she asked.
I wrapped my pinky with hers, pulling her closer to me. My heart started racing from the small touch, and I studied her trembling lips as she stared at my mouth. “Pinky.”
We stood close to one another, somehow growing closer and closer as each moment passed. I felt her lips slightly touch mine, but we weren’t kissing. We were simply somehow turning two people into one, taking in each other’s breaths.
“Lo?” she whispered, her air brushing against my skin.
“Yes?”
“We should stop standing so close now.”
“Okay.”
She nodded once, and stepped back. “Okay.” She ran her fingers through her hair, and gave me a tight grin. “You should go get some water or something. You’ve been working like crazy. I’m just going to my bedroom to take a breath, or five for a minute.”
I agreed and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water. I wondered if she felt everything for me that I felt for her whenever she stood near me. I wondered if she had to fight off the feeling of longing as much as I had to.
As I opened her refrigerator, I paused, seeing all of the fresh foods she had. “Did you just go grocery shopping?” I hollered toward her bedroom.
“Yeah, I went yesterday.”
My mind started racing, looking at the vegetables and uncooked sausage. I opened her cabinets, searching. “Do you mind if I make something really quick?”
“No. Go for it. Anything is up for grabs.”
Awesome.
I started moving things around, grabbing pots and pans. Within minutes, chicken broth was heating on her stove, and I began chopping up mushrooms and fresh garlic.
“I gotta say, when you said you wanted to make something really quick, I thought you meant like a Hot Pocket.” Alyssa smiled.
“Sorry,” I breathed out, standing at her stove, browning the sausage in a pan. “Jacob offered me a job at his restaurant. But he’s forcing me to perfect three dishes before he gives me the job. And he’s being a total dick about it, turning down each thing I bring him. So I was going to test some of the food off on you if that’s okay.”
Her eyes widened with pleasure. “Oh my God, I haven’t had a Logan meal in forever. I will gladly be your guinea pig. What are we making?”
“Risotto,” I replied.
“Doesn’t that take a while?”
“Yup.”
She didn’t know that I was watching her from the corner of my eye, but she smiled. I
smiled knowing she was smiling.
We spoke about random things as I stood by the stove, stirring the rice with the broth. “So you’re thinking about opening a piano bar?”
“Yeah, well, seriously thinking about it. Remember when we were kids and talked about it?”
“LoAly?”
“AlyLo,” she corrected with a smirk. “Yeah. I mean, I wouldn’t name it that seeing how that was kind of our thing, but I don’t know. It’s just a dream. That’s all.”
“A good dream, which you should make a reality.”
She shrugged, folding her arms on the table, and resting her head on top of them. “Maybe. We’ll see. My friend Dan has shown me a few different properties that might work. I know it’s too soon to be looking at buildings and stuff, but it’s just fun. Seeing the places makes the dream seem a little closer.”
After the risotto was done, I put it on the plate and set it in front of Alyssa. She grinned from ear to ear, clapping her hands like crazy. “Oh my God, it’s happening! I know I missed you, Logan. But I think I missed your food even more.”
“Fair enough. Now here.” I handed her a spoon. “Eat up.”
She dug in quickly, and when it met her lips and she began chewing, she frowned.
“What? What is it??” I asked, my voice heightened.
“Nothing, it’s just not…amazing?”
“What? There’s nothing wrong with this dish.”
Her lips parted and she nodded. “Yes there is.”
“No. There isn’t. Look. The sausage is cooked flawlessly. The mushrooms roasted perfect. The perfect blend of seasonings, remarkable. This is a freaking perfect dish.”
She frowned and shrugged her shoulders. “I mean, it’s okay. For what it is.”
I huffed. For what it is? Alyssa had a lot of nerve. “There’s nothing wrong with this dish.”
“There is.”
“No, there isn’t.”
“It’s,” she bit her bottom lip, made a wavering back and forth gesture with her hands, and shrugged once more. “Bland.”
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