“What?” I hissed, stepping closer to her. “I’m not singing Rihanna’s part.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not a chick.”
“But you have that beautiful high-pitched voice, Lo. I think you’ll make a beautiful Rihanna,” she mocked.
“I’m hitting replay one time, folks. It’s now or never,” the DJ said.
“I’m not doing this, High,” I said as we stood nose to nose, with our chest out.
“Oh, you’re doing it.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
I shook my head. “No.”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“Alyssa.”
“Logan.”
“High.”
“Lo.”
The intro music started and I kept shaking my head left and right, telling her there was no way I was going to do it, but when Rihanna’s part came on, the microphone rose to my lips and I began singing the female’s part of the song; high pitched, sounding like fucking hell.
Alyssa covered her mouth to keep her uncontrollable chuckles to herself. I gave her a look to kill before turning around to face the audience and fully embracing my feminine side. I thought I did pretty good. I thought I was the one to make our performance magic.
But then something happened.
Eminem’s verse came up, and Alyssa transformed into something I’ve never seen before. She stole the DJ’s baseball cap, tossed it on her head backwards, and started marching back and forth on the stage, getting the audience involved in the performance, making them wave their hands back and forth as she rapped.
Alyssa Marie Walters was rapping to Eminem. And she was fucking incredible. She put her all into it, hand gestures, facial expressions, giving it everything she had. She was so wild and beautiful in that moment. Free.
When the chorus came up, she looked at me, and I started singing again, high-pitched and terrible.
Then, she rapped again, nailing every word.
When it came to the last verse, the hardest verse she had to rap, she took a deep breath. She locked eyes with me, and before she started, her shirt collar rested between her lips. She nodded once. I nodded once. She dropped the collar, and started rapping the final verse directly to me.
And it was fucking sexy.
Her body swayed back and forth, she became the words and the words soaked her in, and once she finished, she dropped the microphone, the crowd went wild, and I sang the final Rihanna chorus to her.
When we finished, we couldn’t stop laughing. We wrapped each other into a tight hug, as the people in the audience cheered us on, begging for an encore.
We performed five more songs before we retired to a booth in the back of the bar for a few celebratory drinks.
We stayed most of the night, chatting about anything and everything. We laughed more than we had in a long time. For a while, it felt like it used to.
Her laughs became my inhales. Her smiles were my heartbeats.
I watched her mouth move as she told a long story about something or another. Truth was, I stopped listening. I stopped listening a long time ago, because my mind was somewhere else.
I wanted to tell her how I felt about her, all over again. I wanted to tell her how I was falling for her once more. I wanted to tell her how I still loved her wild hair, and still loved her mouth that was always chattering about something or another.
I wanted to…
“Logan,” she whispered, frozen in the booth. My hands had somehow landed against her lower back and I guided her closer to me. My lips hovered inches away from her mouth. Her heavy exhales were mixing with my deep inhales, as both of our bodies shook in each other’s hold. “What are you doing?”
What was I doing? Why were our lips so close? Why were our bodies pressed against each other? Why couldn’t I break my stare? Why was I falling in love with my best friend all over again?
“Truth or lie?” I asked.
“Lie.”
“I’m not addicted to your smile. Your eyes don’t make my heart race. Your laughter doesn’t give me chills. Your peach shampoo doesn’t drive me crazy, and when you chew on your shirt collar I don’t fall deeper in love with you. Because I’m not. I’m not in love with you.”
Her inhales grew deeper and her exhales were heavy. “And the truth?”
“The truth is I want you. I want you back in my life, in all ways and more. I can’t stop thinking about you, High. Not to escape reality, but to embrace it. You’re my heart. You’re my soul. I want you. All of you. And more than anything right now, I want to kiss you.”
“Lo…” Her voice was shaky. “You’re still the first person I think of when I wake up. You’re still the one that I miss when you’re not beside me. You’re still the only thing that ever felt right to me. And if I were honest, I’d say that I want you to kiss me. I’ve wanted you to kiss me all my life.”
I locked my fingers with hers.
“Nervous?” I asked.
“Nervous,” she replied.
I shrugged.
She shrugged.
I laughed.
She laughed.
I parted my lips.
She parted her lips.
I leaned in.
She leaned in.
And I was reminded of the yesterdays that set my world on fire. We kissed for a long time in that booth, making up for all of the mistakes of our past and forgiving one another for all of the mistakes of our future.
It was beautiful. It was right. It was ours.
But of course with all the highs, always came the lows.
Alyssa’s phone rang, and we pulled away from one another. When she answered, I could tell something was wrong. “What’s up, Erika?”
Pause.
“Is he okay?”
My gut tightened as I sat up straight.
“We’ll be there soon. Okay. Bye.”
“What is it?” I asked as she hung up.
“It’s Kellan. He’s in the hospital. We have to go. Now.”
39
Logan
“What happened?” I asked, rushing into Kellan’s hospital room. Kellan was lying in his bed, IVs hooked up to his arms. “Kel, are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I don’t know why she called you guys. There’s nothing wrong.”
“He was walking to the bathroom and he passed out in the hallway,” Erika said, sitting in a chair, rocking back and forth slightly, with her hands tucked under her thighs.
“I came to, right away,” he argued. “I’m fine.”
“Kellan, you couldn’t walk, and you forgot my name.”
Kellan opened his mouth to speak, but a sigh left him instead. He closed his eyes. He was tired. Breaking down more and more each day, and I couldn’t help but wonder when the chemotherapy would start fixing him. It seemed as if it was only breaking him down.
Erika stood up, taking Alyssa and me to the side of the room to talk while Kellan fell asleep. She wrapped her arms around her body, and leaned against the closest wall. “The doctors are running a few more tests. He’s just so tired and weak. The nurse said they can send us home with a wheelchair and it might help him get around, but he said he didn’t want it. He’s being so prideful. But, he needs…” She wiped her hands over her eyes, before resting them on top of her head. “We just need to help him. He’s not the type to ever say he needs help. He’s always been the one who helped others. But he needs our help. Even if he tries to push us away.”
“Anything you need, I’m there,” I said. “Anything he needs.” Erika gave me a tight smile. Her eyes were heavy, too. Sleep deprived. I was almost certain whenever Kellan closed his eyes at night, hers stayed wide awake. “You need help too, Erika. You don’t have to do everything. That’s why I’m here.”
“It’s just,” her voice trembled as she glanced back to Kellan. “It’s just time to start realizing that things are going to get a whole lot worse before they get better. That scares me. I’m terrified. Logan, if anyt
hing happens… If anything happens to him…” She began to cry, and I pulled her out of the hospital room, into the hallway, and wrapped her into a tight hug. “I can’t lose him. I can’t.”
I’d never seen Erika fall apart. She was always the one who had everything together. To see her so destroyed spoke volumes of how serious the current situation was becoming.
When she pulled herself together, she took a step back and wiped away her tears. “I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m good,” she said, reassuring herself as much as us. “They are going to keep him overnight. I’ll stay here with him.”
“I can stay,” I offered. “I know you have your finals coming up.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m okay. I’m good.”
“Sis,” Alyssa whispered, wiping away the tears from her sister’s eyes.
“I’m okay. Really. You two get home. I’ll text you if anything changes.”
I glanced toward the hospital room. “Can I just sit with him for a second?”
She nodded. “Yeah. Definitely. Alyssa, want to come with me to find coffee?”
The two wandered off, and I went into the room and pulled a chair up beside Kellan’s bed. The machines around him kept beeping and humming as I watched his chest rise and fall. Even breathing looked hard for him lately.
“Are you sleeping?” I whispered.
“No,” he replied. “Just sleepy.”
I pushed my thumbs against my eyes to hold back the emotion. “What the hell are you doing in here, Kel? It was my job to end up in places like this, remember? Not yours.”
He gave me a weak smile. “I know, right?”
“You okay?”
One deep inhale. One coughing exhale. “Yeah. I’m okay.” He tilted his head in my direction, and his always kind eyes gave me a slight grin. “I’m killing her,” he whispered, speaking of Erika.
“What? No.”
He turned away, trying to hide the tears falling against his cheeks. “I am. Watching me die is killing her.”
“You’re not dying, Kellan.”
He didn’t reply.
“Hey! Did you hear me? I said, you’re not dying. Say it.”
He looked to the ceiling, then closed his eyes. The tears were still falling down his cheeks. “I’m not dying.”
“Again.”
“I’m not dying.”
“One more time, big brother.”
“I’m not dying!”
“Good. And don’t you fucking forget it. Everyone’s okay. We’re all going to get through this together.” I took his hand into mine and squeezed it lightly, trying to give him some comfort.
“Everything’s okay. You’re right. Sorry, I’m just—”
“Tired?”
“Tired.”
I stayed with him longer than I thought I would. Erika came back to the room, but I asked if I could be the one to stay with Kellan that night. She agreed, and Alyssa decided to stay with her, making sure she wasn’t alone.
I didn’t sleep that night. I stayed up, watching the machines and my brother’s breathing.
When morning came and he opened his eyes, he gave me a halfway grin.
“Go home,” he said.
“No.”
“Go. Go live your life, Logan. Don’t you have someone to be falling in love with?” He asked.
“What do you think I’m doing right now?” I replied as I laid my head on the bed. He smiled my way and shrugged his right shoulder. I smiled his way, and shrugged my left.
I wished I could say things with Kellan were getting better, but it appeared that they were only growing tougher. If he wasn’t in the hospital, he spent most of his time in bed. The once-smiling brother of mine was slowly turning into someone who showed hardly any emotion. The gentle Kellan snapped more and more at Erika for anything she did, which made her even more nervous.
It was heartbreaking, because she truly was doing the best she could do.
He never yelled at me, which I wished he would. Erika seemed on the verge of having a breakdown. The fall school year was coming back around, and she seemed overwhelmed with the planning of her classes, along with the fact that she failed her summer class for her master’s degree. Her stress level was high.
“Take her out,” Kellan sighed as I sat him up on the living room sofa. He was getting sick of staring at the walls in the bedroom, growing a bit claustrophobic.
“Take who out?”
He gave me a you-know-who-I’m-talking-about look. “Alyssa. On the coffee table are two tickets to the Opera tonight in Chicago. There’s an overnight hotel stay, too. I think she would like that. Erika and I were going to go for our honeymoon but…” His voice faded as he closed his eyes. “Take her out.”
“I’m not driving all the way down to Chicago and staying overnight when you aren’t doing that well.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not. You had chemotherapy yesterday. You always get sick a few days later.”
“I’m fine. Besides, Erika will help me.”
“Kellan.”
“Logan.” Kellan pushed himself up to a sitting position on the couch. “You deserve to be happy.”
“I am happy.”
“No. You’re existing. Going through the motions of life. Which makes sense. Everything you’ve been through, everything you’ve seen, it had to become somewhat of a sick routine that was impossible for you to break away from. But the only time I’ve seen you happy—and I mean really happy—was when you were with Alyssa.”
“Kellan, stop.”
“Remember when you came begging me for money to buy a suit that fit just so you could take her out to a piano recital in Chicago? You beamed with hope. I’d never seen hope from you.”
“With good reason. Hope is a waste of time. Remember how she and I never actually made it to Chicago, because Ricky pissed me off and I fell off the deep end?”
He rolled his eyes. “That’s not who you are anymore. Take her out.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
No.”
“Yes.”
“No!”
“I have cancer.”
I rolled my eyes. “Dude. Low blow. How long are you going to play the cancer card?”
He smiled at me, reached his hand out in my direction, and patted me on the shoulder. “Take her out, okay?”
I nodded once. “Okay.”
40
Alyssa
“Hi,” I said, my voice breathy as Logan stood on my porch in a suit and bowtie. His hair was slicked back, and he was beaming.
“You look beautiful,” he said, taking in my long black dress. “So beautiful.”
I blushed. “You do, too. I mean, handsome. You look handsome.”
He reached out for my hand, and I took his in mine. As he walked me to the car, he opened the passenger door and helped me inside. My heart was pounding against my ribcage as the butterflies in my stomach somehow transformed into dragons, setting me on fire. I was so nervous.
When he asked me if I’d go to Chicago with him to see an opera, I had to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. We never were able to go on any fancy dates all those years ago. We never were able to fall in love the way we truly deserved to love one another. So the fact that today, Logan was in a suit that wasn’t too big for him, and I was in a dress that was too fancy for me, was amazing.
I still love you…
“Are you excited?” he asked, as we drove down the freeway.
“Yes.”
I still love you…
“I’ve never done anything like this, ya know? Seen an opera. I mean, I’ve been to your piano recitals, which were breathtaking, but I’ve never seen something like this.”
“You’ll love it,” I said. “When I was in college, we had to go to shows for one of my music classes. The opera is quite the experience.”
He smiled. “Thanks for coming with me, High.”
Whenever he called me High, I felt like I was eighteen all over again.
I still love you…
The show was amazing, and as we sat in a corner box watching it, I’d noticed Logan tearing up from the action. His eyes never left the characters on stage, and mine hardly ever left him. It was crazy how it happened. How one boy could still, after all these years, control every beat of my heart.
After the show, we walked outside in the cool, autumn Chicago weather. We stood so close to one another that every now and then our arms would brush up against each other. The hotel we were staying at was right down the street from the opera house, which was wonderful.
“Erika and Kellan are stressed,” Logan said, breaking me from my thoughts.
“Yeah. Extremely stressed. Erika called me the other night as she sat in her car crying her eyes out. She feels as if she’s at the end of her rope, and like Kellan is pushing her away.”
“Do you think he’s pushing her away?”
“I don’t know. I think he’s just scared.”
“Yeah. Me too. I’ve been thinking… We should do something for them. I don’t know what, but I want to do something to make them feel better.”
“That’s a great idea,” I agreed, opening the door to the front lobby of the hotel. “And I think—”
“I’m still in love with you.”
What? Did I just speak the words that have been dancing through my mind all night long? The words that I’ve felt for the past five years?
No. They didn’t come from my lips.
With a slow turn, I stared at Logan, standing on the sidewalk, with his hands stuffed in his slacks. He swayed back and forth.
“What?” I said, my heart pounding.
“I’m still in love with you,” he repeated walking closer to me. “I’ve tried to stop it. I tried to ignore it. I tried to wish it away, but it won’t leave. Whenever you’re near me, I want you closer. Whenever you laugh, I want the sound to never fade. Whenever you’re sad, I want to kiss your tears away. I know all of the reasons that I shouldn’t want to be with you. I know that I can never be forgiven for what happened all those years ago, but I also know that I still love you. You’re still the fire that keeps me warm when life becomes cold. You’re still the voice that keeps the darkness at bay. You’re still the reason my heart beats. You’re still the air in my lungs. You’re still my greatest high. And I am still truly, madly, painfully in love with you. And I don’t think I’ll ever know how to stop.”
The Elements Series Complete Box Set Page 48