“You know, I’m a bit worried about the band,” Oliver said as we sat. The three of them were wasted out of their minds, and for some reason, I’d become the one to make sure they didn’t kill themselves. Every time we took a shot, I had my faithful beer can beside me, which I’d used as a fake chaser where I’d spit the disgusting shot out.
“Yeah? Why’s that, Oli?” I asked.
“Well, see, I never wanted to have a girl group, and it’s pretty alarming that lately three-fourths of the team has been growing vaginas.”
“What?”
“It’s pretty pathetic, and frankly, weird as fuck. I mean, you couldn’t even go twenty-four hours without calling Stacey, Calvin. Brooks, don’t think I didn’t notice you snapchatting to Maggie. And my twin is currently in love with a plant, though, knowing his weird love for Mother Nature, I’m not that surprised.”
I glanced over at Rudolph, who was hugging the potted plant he dragged along with him. “Her name is Nicole, and she’s beautiful,” he slurred with pride.
“See what I mean? My friends are turning into little babies, and I fear soon enough we’ll be writing songs about marriage and diapers.”
I laughed. “It’s not that serious, Oliver.”
He waved his hands in the air. “Brooks Tyler Griffin. You were on Snapchat. Sticking your tongue out. Pretending you were a fucking dog.”
I narrowed my eyes and kept fishing. “For the record, yes, I was on Snapchat, but I was snapping to our fans. You remember them? The people who support us? It’s important to give them a piece of me, Oli. You should take notes. That’s why the fans like me more than you.”
“Ha! Doubtful. Plus, when did you start saying, ‘I love you, Maggie,’ in a dog voice to your fans? I get it—some people’s fandoms have names. Demi Lovato has Lovatics. Justin has the Beliebers. Beyoncé has her Beyhive. But I mean, ‘I love you, Maggie’ just doesn’t roll off of the tongue as well.”
I turned to flip Oliver off, and he flipped me two of his own birds.
Touché.
The sky was growing cloudy, and the water was still. The only noise around was the four of us shouting whenever we thought we caught a fish—which we never did. Looking backward, I could hardly see the huge cabin, and looking forward, I could somewhat notice the town stores. Perfect location. All we could hear was the water moving ever so slightly.
“All kidding aside, I’m really happy for you and Stacey, Cal,” Oliver said, picking up Calvin’s guitar and having no damn clue how to play a chord.
“You think management is gonna be pissed?” Calvin asked.
“Ha! Of course they are. One of the lead singers of The Crooks tying the knot, breaking hundreds of hearts around the word? Management is going to try their damn hardest to talk you out of it.”
“Yeah, I figured. But well, they are already pissed at us for missing shows. Might as well piss them off a bit more to see how many gray hairs we can give them.” Calvin snatched his guitar from Oliver’s hands and walked over to me as I sat behind the steering wheel. I picked up my guitar too and started playing the intro to our song “Split Ends”. He joined in, playing on his guitar. Oliver started singing the lyrics, and Rudolph just kept talking to his plant. Working with your best friends could’ve easily caused issues, but that wasn’t the case with my band. Other than the twins arguing with one another, we worked together effortlessly. Sure, we disagreed sometimes, but it was never over something we couldn’t fix.
We stayed out on the water all afternoon. As the sky got darker, we started working on new lyrics. Our creativity was almost unstoppable when we got into our happy music zone. When the first raindrop hit us, Calvin suggested we finish back at the cabin, so I started up the boat’s engine to begin the voyage home.
It only took a few minutes before the sky turned black, and rain started hammering against us. Rudolph jumped on the edge of the boat and held Nicole in the air. “Yes, my darling! Drink it all up! Drink up the water of Mother Nature!”
“It’s a fake plant, you idiot,” Oliver bellowed over the rain. “It doesn’t need water!”
“Don’t listen to the lonely boy, Nicole. My brother’s never been in love with anything, besides tacos.”
“Tacos are life!” Oliver shouted, shaking his fists in appreciation as a flash of lightning struck over our heads. “I love you, tacos!”
“So,” Calvin said, rocking back and forth beside me as we headed for home. “Want to be my best man?” he yelled over the winds.
I wiped water from my face. “I already bought my tuxedo, dude. Me being your best man was a given.”
He laughed. “Yeah, but I figured it was polite to ask.”
“That’s because you’re growing a vagina. Vaginas are much politer than dicks.”
“Yeah, that’s what your mom told me last night.”
“That’s funny, your mom didn’t say much of anything last time I saw her. Then again her mouth was pretty full, so talking was probably not an option.”
He reached for my ‘empty’ beer can to throw at me, and when he went to he paused, narrowing his eyes. “You’ve been drinking this for the past four hours and it’s still full.”
“I—”
He went to sniff the can and gasped. “FOUL PLAY! Brooks has been spitting his shots into his beer can!” The twins gasped just as he did and started chanting with one another.
“FOUL PLAY! FOUL PLAY!”
The louder they grew the louder the storm screamed. The waters were growing more and more wild as the storm grew bigger and louder. Rougher.
“Don’t worry!” Rudolph stumbled with Nicole wrapped in his arms. “We still got another bottle of Fireball over here,” he shouted. As he moved closer to my direction, I saw him tipping a little too much to the edge. Jumping up from my seat, I asked Calvin to take the wheel and rushed over to my drunken friend.
“Whoa there, Rudolph, careful! A little too close to the edge.”
Rudolph snickered and pinched my cheek. “You’re such a sweet vagina, Brooks Griffin.”
I laughed out loud, soaking wet. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“That’s just because America’s Sweetheart Maggie May doesn’t speak. If she did, she’d say some poetic shit, I bet.” He paused, and his eyes grew wide. “FOUL PLAY! I mentioned a girl. I need a shot! FIREBALL!” He launched toward the bottle of Fireball, and as he moved the boat rocked. His body bent over, causing him to hang from the edge of the boat. I gripped him tight, pushing him back toward the boat. As I shoved him to safety, the storm knocked our boat sideways, making me stumble over my own feet.
“Shit!” I hollered before hitting the heavy waves. The water was ice-cold as I fell under.
“Brooks!” my friends yelled, hurrying over to the edge of the boat and tossing me the life preserver ring.
“It’s not an official trip until someone falls into the water, right?” I shouted, laughing as my arms wrapped around the ring. The guys chuckled with me and started pulling me in, until there wasn’t a reason to laugh anymore.
I grew closer to the boat, and pain shot through me. “Fuck!”
It happened in a flash, in a rushed moment.
The boating propeller struck my right side.
In point-one-second laughter transformed into horror.
In point-one-second my life shifted as I began to drown.
Blood. I couldn’t see it, but I knew I hurt too much to not be sliced open.
The pain shot up my right side.
My breaths were sharp; my mind was blurred.
Drowning. I splashed for help while I swallowed water.
My right hand swung over to grip my side. Shit. Again.
The propeller struck me again.
Panic. My hand. My shoulder. My neck.
My life...
The waves forced me backward in the wild, harsh waters.
Lightning struck.
Thunder howled.
My best friends cried out for me
, but I couldn’t reply.
It happened in a flash, in a rushed moment.
In point-one-second laughter transformed into horror.
In point-one-second my life shifted as I began to drown.
In point-one-second the waves tossed me as if I were nothing.
I became nothing.
30
Maggie
“Maggie, come on! Hurry downstairs. We have to go.”
I raised an eyebrow at the calling of my name. I’d been sitting in my bedroom, playing the guitar and strumming along to The Crooks latest album. Standing up, I hurried to the top of the stairs to see a panicked Mrs. Boone.
I walked down each step and arched an eyebrow.
She was frantic, something I’d never seen her be. “Come on now, get some shoes on. Let’s go.”
Go? Go where?
“Maggie, please.” Mrs. Boone raced her hands back and forth on the metal bars of her walker. “There was an accident up at the cabin, and Brooks, he was hurt. We have to go.”
I stumbled backward, as if someone slammed me against the wall.
Brooks, he was hurt.
Those words drowned me. My mind started racing. How was he hurt? How hurt? What happened? How were the others?
Daddy came rushing out of the back room, and Mama came rushing in from the kitchen. They both held their cell phones, probably messages from Calvin.
“They took him to St. John’s hospital. He’s going into surgery,” Daddy said, his words fast and scared. “I’m heading up there.”
“Me too,” Mama claimed.
“And Maggie,” Mrs. Boone ordered. “She’s coming with us. Now come on,” she said, waving her hands at me. “We don’t have time to waste. That’s a long drive from here.”
“No,” Mama barked, her voice stern. “No. She doesn’t have to leave. She almost had a panic attack when she tried to leave to see you, Mrs. Boone.”
“But that was me, and I mean it’s sweet that she tried, but this is different. I’m not her person. I’m not her Brooks. Now come on.”
I shut my eyes.
Mama and Mrs. Boone started arguing, their voices growing louder and louder, and Daddy started shouting trying to calm them down. My heart was racing, trying to keep up with the commotion. My mind was trying its best to keep the devil at bay, as he kept trying to come out to find me.
Shh… Shh…
“Stop!” Mrs. Boone shouted, loud enough to force my eyes open. She slammed her walker against the ground over and over again. “Stop it! This is ridiculous. For the life of me, Katie, I can’t tell who’s more afraid of Maggie leaving, you or her.”
“You’re out of line, Mrs. Boone,” Mama scolded, yet still, her body shook. For a moment I wondered myself: did she want me to ever leave?
“Of course I’m out of line! I’ve always been out of line, ain’t nothing changed. But this isn’t about me. Now, Katie, I know you told me this girl right here is none of my business. You’ve told me that over and over again, but this is bigger than you, Katie. This is bigger than you, and Eric, and me. This is about Maggie and Brooks right now. Maggie May.” Mrs. Boone turned toward me, “if you can honestly tell yourself the demons of your past are louder than the love you have for that boy, then please forgive me. That means I have overstepped my boundaries and misread every moment I remember of the two of you. But if by chance that love is the loudest…if by chance that love is beginning to drown your soul, then you must leave. You must come with us right now. Brooks is a good boy, and he’s been your anchor for all these years. Now it’s your turn to be his.”
I rubbed my fists against my eyes as the three started arguing again.
Five minutes.
I held my hand up, and they all paused. I rushed upstairs, into the bathroom, and filled the sink up with water. I lowered my face into the water and held my breath.
I needed five minutes to slow down my mind. I needed five minutes to let go of their shouts and find my own voice.
I needed five minutes to breathe.
I saw his face—the devil. He was choking me, trying to kill me like he killed the woman. He was going to kill me.
“Shh…”
I lost myself.
He stole me from me in that moment alone.
I felt dirty.
I felt used.
I felt trapped.
It felt real. Each day, after all those years, it still felt so fresh. But as my face stayed in the water, I remembered even more.
“Maggie May! Where are you?” Brooks hollered again, his voice breaking the devil from his thoughts.
As my face stayed in the water, I remembered him. I remembered my Brooks.
“You’re my best friend, Magnet, but…” His lips grew closer, and I swore I felt them brush against my own. “What if she was right? What if Lacey was on to something? What if there was something more than friends between us?” he whispered again, his grip on my lower back getting tighter, pulling me closer. Our lips brushed against one another again, and my stomach knotted.
I pulled my head from the water, soaking wet, but knowing where I needed to be. I raced to my bedroom and grabbed my shoes.
“Maggie May, don’t do this,” Mama said, standing in my doorway. Her arms were crossed, and she stared at me with eyes glassed over. “Don’t leave.”
I narrowed my eyes, confused. She walked over to my bed and sat down, tapping the mattress for me to join her. I couldn’t even remember the last time Mama stood in my room, let alone sat down to talk to me.
“I’ll make sure he’s okay, I’ll make sure he’s getting better and knows you wished you could be there, Maggie, but please…don’t go.”
Reaching for my board, I began to write.
Why not?
She lowered her head and stared at her fidgeting fingers. “If you go…if you finally start moving on…how can I protect you? I didn’t even know you slipped out of the house all those years ago, because I was doing laundry. I was supposed to watch over you. I was supposed to keep you safe. And if you leave…if you go explore the world…how am I supposed to protect you?”
There it was: Mama’s deepest secrets and fears.
Everyone had a part of themselves they chose to keep mute.
Mama’s was her guilt.
Taking the marker, I began to write the most important words I’d ever written before.
It wasn’t your fault.
Mama swallowed hard before she started sobbing into her hands. Her body balled up, and I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight. She cried as long as she could before wiping the back of her hand at her nose and sitting up a bit straighter. “Look at me, I’m such a mess. I’m sorry, Maggie May. For everything I’ve put you through…I just worry, that’s all.” She sniffled, and I laid my head on her shoulder. She wrapped her hands in mine. “You’re really gonna do this, aren’t you?”
I squeezed her hands twice.
She sighed and sat up straight. “Okay. So here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna walk downstairs and head for the front door. When those thoughts start coming in your mind, you gotta keep walking, okay?”
I nodded. Okay, Mama.
“Even when you’re scared, you keep walking. And when the voices grow louder, you run. You run, Maggie May Riley. You run and run until you’re out.”
I took a deep breath.
“You’re scared?”
Two squeezes.
You’re scared?
Two squeezes from her.
“Okay. So let’s go.”
“Close your eyes and breathe,” Mama whispered, holding my hand. “Your father and I will get you to the car.”
When I took the first few steps, I felt my throat tightening. I wanted to wrap my hands around my neck and try to breathe, but I couldn’t, because Daddy and Mama were holding them tight. Was I okay? Could I breathe?
Daddy squeezed my hands twice. Yes. How could he hear the words I hadn’t said?
The next steps I took were eve
n more painful. I needed to grab my neck. I needed to get his hands from around me. I needed to breathe. I can’t breathe.
Mama squeezed my hands twice. Yes, you can.
“Almost there,” Daddy said, taking more steps.
The more we walked, the looser his hands became around my neck. I envisioned Brooks. His smile. His laugh. His love. The further we walked, the easier the breaths became.
I paused my steps and opened my eyes. Daddy and Mama were staring at me, nervous.
“You okay, Maggie?” Daddy asked.
I took my hands from their grips, and raised them up to my chest, resting them against my heart. With one deep inhale, I took in the world, tasting the air, feeling the wind, allowing myself to slowly start unlocking the chains from my ankles.
With one long exhale, I took Daddy’s and Mama’s hands back and squeezed them twice.
Yes.
I’m okay.
Now it was time to make sure he was okay.
As we drove, I noticed it all. I noticed how the fabric of the car felt, and how the engine hiccupped every few minutes. I felt every bump we hit, and I stared at every light that flashed. It was surreal, being out of the house and seeing things I’d never seen. Buildings, trees, animals. It was all so overwhelming, almost like a dream. Yet, it was real. My chest was tight the drive. I stayed curled in a tight ball in the backseat, but I couldn’t for a second stop staring out of the window. There was so much to the world that I didn’t even know existed. There was so much that I’d been missing.
We arrived at the hospital hours later, and Brooks was still in surgery. The outside of the hospital was surrounded with fans of The Crooks—it seemed word traveled fast. Brooks’ parents and his brother, Jamie, were there, too, trying their best to not fall apart.
The lights of the hospital were bright. They hurt my eyes. I hadn’t remembered ever being around lights that were so bright. It smelled weird, too. Like cleaning products on top of cleaning products. There was so much commotion everywhere—nurses bumping into one another, items being dropped, families walking the hallways.
I closed my eyes and tried to focus. It was too much, too fast. I needed to slow my thoughts down. What if the devil was there? What if he could see me? What if he could touch me again? No. I needed to focus on something good, something that could keep me grounded. I needed to find peace. My fingers wrapped around my necklace.
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