In a flash, I’m on my feet. I take a step around the table, longing to wrap my arms around him and press my cheek to his body like how I did when we danced.
His immediate response is to jam his hands into his jean pockets and take the tiniest of steps away from me. I know what he’s doing. He’s treating me like a virus, like any sort of physical contact will ruin him. He stares at me as if judging what he should do. I’m sure he sees the first tear brim over and spill down my cheeks.
I don’t know if that single tear is what makes him change his mind, but at long last, his arms open. I run into them, slamming my body against his, feeling like a child clinging to the person she cares about most in the world, never wanting to let him out of her sight. I feel his ribs expand against my hold, his lean frame shaking in my arms. He closes his embrace and I press my face to his shirt.
“Do you get it now, Frannie?” His warm breath ripples across the top of my hair. “It isn’t about what you do with your life. It’s about who you are. And once you figure it out, nothing will be out of reach.”
Without warning, his hands gently move to my shoulders and push lightly. I’m torn from his body and my arms feel alarmingly, achingly empty.
He bends his face down to mine and for a split second, I see a hint of the smile I love so dear; the smile that can shatter darkness, the smile that can melt my soul and restore my faith. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a crumpled slip of paper, pressing it into my palm. I unfold it quickly, taking in the short address written in an unsteady, heavy hand.
“Find me,” he whispers. “If in twenty years from now you still remember me, and you find yourself in need of a friend. Look me up, will you?”
He leans down to kiss my cheek.
And like that, he’s at the door. In another second he’ll be gone, nothing more than a lovely memory I’ll have to hold onto when my life grows cold, when there’s no light to keep the demons away.
As much as I would like him to stay, as much as I need him to, I know he has to go. I want him to be happy. I wish him nothing but the best. I wish… I wish… I was going with him.
I wish I could be a part of his life. I wish he would stay in mine. I wish I’d never left and broken both of our hearts. I wish so many things, none of them coming true. But most of all, I wish I could just say exactly what I feel.
“Jesse!” I cry out, the single word an abrasion to my ears.
He doesn’t turn back, only stops with his hand on the door handle. I know what I’m going to say before I’m even aware of speaking.
“I love you.”
I hear a deep intake of breath as he stares at the wooden planks of the floor. His shoulders heave with each prolonged breath as he stands still as a statue during those few torturous seconds.
He eventually turns to look me, his eyes shimmering beautifully with a controlled wetness. His smile is radiant. It reaches across his face, stretching over his tight jaw and touching even the most remote corners of his eyes. He nods once, sending a shower of hair falling out of place.
Pushing the door open, he steps outside and becomes one with the sunlight.
Epilogue
Beginning… Again
The air is cooler here, crisp, and sweet with the promise of oncoming autumn. The leaves covering the maples lining the city street still flaunt their luscious greenery, trying in vain to hide the reds and burnt oranges sneaking their way forward, encroaching on their emerald territory.
A slight breeze brushes through their branches and travels over my exposed neck. I toss my head, sweeping my hair to the side. As I pull my pack out of the trunk, I look down at the small scrap of paper in my hand and the address scrawled in a quick, even handwriting.
“Are you sure this is the right place?” I ask the cabbie.
He grunts and nods as I pass him his fare through the open window. He hits the gas and pulls off down the street, leaving me and my bag in a cloud of exhaust fumes.
The street is quiet and empty, just starting to wake in the early hours of the morning. The line of condominiums in front of me loom over the street, a row of brick punctuated by elegant windows and structured white doors.
I stare at the building in front of me. For how long, I don’t know. Time passes. It crawls. It sprints. It moves without notice or recognition. It lapses with humbleness and modesty. But it moves, nonetheless.
After a year of traveling, of being on my own, this is my last stop. The last twelve months have been amazing; scary, of course, but wonderful and exhilarating too. I’d said goodbye to Mrs. Wen and Jun not long after Jesse had showed up, telling them of my plan and promising I would call and write to them whenever I got the chance.
And I had lived, truly lived. I’d seen the country, traveled to cities and farms, slept in shelters and four-star hotels. I’d gone home — briefly — balanced my accounts, seen my sister, talked to old friends, and made new ones along the way. I hitched rides, walked, worked, and played, and crossed nearly every item off my list.
But those stories are for another time.
I toss my bag over my shoulder and cross the street. I can’t begin to know what’s waiting for me behind the ominous, colorless door. Could be paradise. Could be disaster. It could lead anywhere. Catastrophe, fortune, heartbreak, anywhere.
But I’m done making excuses. I’m done pretending. I’m done procrastinating, done being frightened. I can’t be scared and still be me.
Frances.
Bride. Drop-out. Frannie. Screw-up. Lover. Traveler.
One unto myself. Me.
My foot hits the first step of the two-story brownstone.
Better late than never, right?
I take another step up the stairs.
I don’t know what I’ll say to him. It’s been so long and merely thinking of someone doesn’t put any sort of realistic hold on them. There were so many things I could have said him, should have said to him.
But love isn’t about what you say. Or what you don’t say. It’s about what you do. And I’m willing to throw myself to the wolves for one more minute with him.
I reach the door, and before I have time to rethink my actions, rap lightly with the brass knocker hanging just below a small, opaque window.
A few seconds later, I hear soft footsteps coming from the other side. For better or worse, this is it. People can change. I have changed. I can only hope his feelings for me haven’t.
I hear the lock slide on the other side. The door pulls open and my eyes rest upon a sight more wonderful, more comforting, more perfect than any I could ever dream up on my own.
“Frannie.” Jesse breathes my name like a benediction.
I smile and throw myself into his outstretched arms.
Playlist
One For My Baby (& One More For The Road) – Frank Sinatra
If U Stayed – ZZ Ward
Falling Slowly – The Frames
If You Keep Leaving Me – Anderson East
Walk Over Me – Dirtie Blonde
Hold Back the River – James Bay
Head Over Feet – Alanis Morissette
Don’t Say – St. Lola In The Fields
Hit and Run - LOLO
Bad Guy – Billie Eilish
Bones – Maren Morris
Hopeless Wanderer – Mumford & Sons
When It Don’t Come Easy – Patty Griffin
My Silver Lining – First Aid Kit
Life After You – Daughtry
Southbound – Ben Barnes
Are You Sure – Willie Nelson
Use Somebody – Kings of Leon
Be Good Or Be Gone – Fionn Regan
Don’t Fight It – The Panics
Wishing I was There – Natalie Imbruglia
The Story – Brandi Carlile
Coming Up Easy – Paolo Nutini
ank you for reading books on Archive.
One More For The Road Page 24