by Marie Hall
That was how she did everything. He'd learned that early on in their relationship, and usually, he was able to step in and show her several alternatives. But this dark fear she'd kept completely hidden and, like a wound untreated, it festered.
"I cannot go to court. I cannot change. I cannot be one of them," she wailed, falling to her side and curling up on the ground.
"Io," Xavier soothed, crawling to her so he could hold her. "Io, settle. Settle now. Shh." He wrapped his arms around her and held her close. "You must settle and listen. I will help you, but you must listen." She did quiet, and sitting up, he pulled her from the ground. "Can you listen to me now? Will you hear me out?" She nodded and used the back of her hand to wipe at her eyes and nose then took a deep breath. "Now?"
"Yes, now," she told him, lifting her eyes to his own.
He laughed a little, surprised at how nervous he was to try to ease her mind on the matter. She'd said a great deal, and if he failed to address any part of it, he risked not addressing what most mattered to her. "I might need your help, Io, so be kind to me." It might have been a smile she gave him. "I do not even know what to start with. I think, though, I most want you to know that how I feel about you will not change." He held up a hand to stop her from saying anything. "It is not going to change, but perhaps I love you more as time passes."
"Because I will become one of them," she said and then sobbed once.
"Io, I do not think it is in you to be one of them."
"So you will not be happy I do not change," she grumbled, and again he laughed.
"No, if you change, if you do not change, I will still be as I am now—completely in love with you. Changed or not, you will always be my scold, my goddess." She shook her head at him. "Io." He needed a minute to think how he might say this so she'd understand, if he could connect it to something. "Io, do you think you have changed since we first met?"
"I… yes?"
"If I say I do not think you have, would you think I lied?" Her confusion was so clear, he did laugh, out loud. "What about you do you think has changed?"
"I-I am a wife." She didn't even sound sure of that.
"That is but a status, Io. What about you has changed?" She shrugged at him. "Let me help you. When we met, you wanted nothing to do with anyone. You cursed everyone and refused everything they offered. You trusted no one, accepted you would always be cast aside and abandoned. True?" With a sniff and tears welling in her eyes, she nodded. "But you were not cruel, you showed compassion, you were thoughtful in conversations, you showed wit and charm and courage. You defended those weaker than you and you never set yourself above anyone." He had her following him. She was considering what he said. "For all this time, you are exactly the same. The only difference is you now have more opportunity to show the pleasant side of who you are and few reasons to snarl at people."
"But I am changed. I know reading and numbers and—"
"Those are but tools you use. Tools you use very well to help you when circumstances make being kind and compassionate hard. Who you are," he pushed a finger into her chest, "deep inside, has not changed."
"This should disappoint you."
"Why? How can I be disappointed when I have loved you from the minute I set eyes on you?" He smiled at her deep frown.
"You did not; you did not even like me." He heard that pout and saw victory in this.
"Like and love are not always well timed. I walked into that cesspit and saw a woman, brave enough to stand up and speak her mind even if meant great peril to herself. I saw a woman who took things as they came and did what she could to hold her head proudly. A woman who did not compromise her integrity for ease and comforts. I saw someone worth admiring and so worth loving. No, I did not like a great deal of your behaviors, but if I remember correctly, I fixed that." He heard her snort. "Every day, we experience things that give us a chance to show some part of ourselves. Some people show more good, others more bad. It is not so much that we change, we just revile to others our nature. I do not think court changed anyone, Io. It just revealed who they really were."
"You do not think I will become hateful and selfish?"
"If the life you have lived thus far did not make you so, court will not."
"And you will not be disappointed I am not more like these people you have always known?"
"Io, in you, I know someone unique and special. How can anyone be disappointed with that?"
"I want to make you proud. I do not want to shame and embarrass you."
"I am proud, every day, and humbled and thankful. And I fully expect there will be moments you will shame or embarrass me. I expect I will spend a great deal of time explaining you to some at court. But I accept this. It is the price I pay for having a goddess and not some common lady." She did smile, though she tried to hide it by wiping her nose with the back of her hand again. "And should your behavior become too outrageous," he said, grabbing her and pulling her close. "I will address it so you are more aware of the limits you have upon you."
"And no matter what happens, you will want me still?" she asked, snuggling closer.
"I will need you," he confirmed with a fierce squeeze.
"You will help me? You will not abandon me to them?"
Those words cut, for he knew she felt he did when Charlotte and the Blakes had shown up. "I will not abandon you, I will help as much as you need me to. But, Io," he said and set her away. "I cannot help if I do not know there is a problem." He saw her swallow and bite down on her lip. "I warned you not to keep your concerns from me so long they crushed you." He rolled to his knees then easily lifted and adjusted Io so she was on her hands and knees before him. Pressure between her shoulders forced her head down as he flipped up her skirts. "This was something we could have spoken about weeks ago." He smoothed his palm over her arse and watched her skin prickle. "Well, you might have found more ease, if not some pleasure in these travels, had you brought this to my attention sooner." He wrapped his left arm around her waist, pulling her hip against his body. "This will be the last time I will tell you." He drew back his arm. "Do not." His hand came down, and Io squealed as he drew back again. "Keep." His palm connected again, and Io's feet kicked in the dirt. Again, he landed another solid blow. "Things." He dropped his mark, catching her a little lower. Io gasped loudly. "From." He laid a matching swat on the other side. "Me." And with that, he began landing his hand in a quick, steady pattern, covering her fine arse top to bottom, side to side. He raised up a color a little darker than pink but nowhere near the dark red she was usually subject to.
Through it, she hissed, gasped and occasionally cried out with, "Ow, ow, ow." She squirmed and ducked and arched, kicking and wiggling but not truly fighting to get away. He added a few lighter smacks to the top of the back of her thighs then sat back on his heels and watched her as she still seemed to be trying to wiggle the pain away.
"Have I been clear in this, Io?" he asked, pushing her skirts down, before he gave in to the urge to kneel behind her and take her hard and fast.
Looking over her shoulder, she sniffed and nodded. Her eyes shone a bit, but she wasn't crying.
"I will not be so nice next time," he said, sitting more comfortably to see how she might respond.
Reaching back to rub at the battered flesh, she gave him a very sour look. "You were not nice this time, my lord." Her bottom lip stuck out, and he'd a raging urge to bite it.
"Let me be more specific." He put his hand under her chin and rubbed his thumb over that pouting lip. "I will be very not nice. You must speak with me."
She sniffed, nodded, and reached for him. "I will."
He gathered her against his chest and held her. She didn't cry, and her sniffs came only once in a while, but she made no move to pull away. He was nearly ready to see if she might be willing to get back on the road when she suddenly burst into tears. "Io," Xavier cried, lifting her so he was against his shoulder. Her arms around his neck tightened. "Io, what is this? Settle. Hush, settle." Her body shoo
k with the crying, and though she was saying something, he couldn't tell what. "Io, settle. Come now." He rocked with her until she was back to only sniffs and gasps. "What is this now? Tell me." Pulling her down so he could cradle her, he brushed the hair from her face and used his knuckles to sweep away the tears.
"I do not want to become one of them," she wailed.
"Io, you will not."
"I might."
"Io, you do not have that nature." He didn't know how he might reassure her in this.
"Sybil was very kind before she went to court, but she came back." She shook her head. "Court changed her. I do not want to become like them."
He thought about it, knowing Io was staring at him, waiting, hoping he had some answer. "Io, Sybil did not have me. You have me."
"I do?"
"Yes, and I will make sure that you do not become one of them."
"How? Can you do this?"
"Of course, I can," he did his best to sound offended she'd doubt him. "It shall not even be a difficult task."
"No?" Sitting up, she sniffed and wiped at her face with the back of her hand.
"This is what I will promise you." He saw her perk up at his words and hoped what he was going to say would be the words she needed to hear. "If I see you becoming like them. If I see you behave more like them than like you, I will take a whip to you. An actual whip. I will strip the flesh from your hind." He held his breath.
"You would do that?"
His breath came out with a whoosh with her hopeful note. "To keep you from becoming like them, to save you from that. I will. I will do whatever you need so you stay like you." He barely had a chance to brace before she threw herself at him, again almost strangling him with how tight her arms around his neck were. "This is satisfactory to you?" he asked with a laugh as she nodded emphatically.
"I will not become like them if you will not allow me to. Yes, it is a good plan," Io agreed and even giggled. "I should not care to be whipped."
"No, you most certainly would not." Not that he thought it possible. Nor did he think he ever could take a whip to her. It was a threat for her to take seriously, but so large, he'd never find reason to carry it out. He couldn't think of any instance when Io might behave like those women she despised, feared. Women like his mother. He gave Io one more hard squeeze then set her away. "Have we settled this matter well enough?" She nodded and smiled at him. "Then should we be on our way? I think it might be time all those terrible people at court see you and how very nice you are." Standing, he offered a hand and pulled her up then against him. "Perhaps you might change some of them."
She snorted and gave him an odd look. "I have not changed you." She went with him without resistance, willingly was placed on her horse and fell in beside him as they moved down the road.
"Have you tried?" he asked.
She seemed thoughtful. "No, Xavier. No, I have not."
Chapter 21
As soon as her feet touched ground, Io reached back and gave her arse a rub. She'd not really thought Xavier thrashed her hard. Certainly, it was only a little worse than when he did so for pleasure. But sitting in the saddle afterward meant there was no chance for the ache to truly fade. The pace he set didn't help, either, as she occasionally found him reaching for Wednesday's bridle and pulling her alongside at a near run.
Xavier saw how that caused her to bounce in the saddle; he'd even mentioned a few times that he needed to have her riding lessons focus more on her seat. But his poorly hidden grin said he knew very well he was adding to her discomfort. And as she stood there rubbing now, he didn't even try to hide his amusement. When she made a face at him, he laughed. She'd have liked to hit him, but he stepped up and wrapped his arms around her.
"Tender?" he asked, nibbling on her ear.
"You are not being nice, my lord," she told him, tipping her head so she might feel his lips nip at her neck.
"Ah, are you not pleased?" He didn't sound like it was a concern of his. "Well, perhaps…" He lifted his head and looked at the large building behind him. "…if they have secured us a room, more private than not, I might remedy this. Help…" His hands slid down, cupping each side of her bottom and squeezing. "…ease your aches."
Try as she might, she couldn't hold back the moan. "I think you create more aches," she said as her hands covered his and pushed down.
"I might need to throw someone out of a room," he said with a chuckle.
"It would be nice of you if you did not leave me to satisfy myself for so long. It is not so easy to find that pleasure in the back of a wagon when I am being so knocked around by the pace you set."
"My, you are full of complaints this day, are you not, my lady?" he huffed but again bent his head and put his lips in the place where her neck turned into shoulder.
"I have become most accustomed to the luxuries," She had to pause and wait for his laughter to die away. "The luxuries you grant me so generously."
"You are the most vulgar woman I have ever known, but I agree with you fully. Perhaps it is old age, but I am no longer so willing to sleep on the ground."
"It is less the ground and more the alone which bothers me," Io griped, with less humor, she still wasn't sure why Xavier set her in the little wagon each night and then left her to lie with the men around the camp.
"Io..." He started, only to stop when several men pushed out of the tavern.
"I told you I heard them out here," Luther said with a laugh.
"Thought we might have to send someone to bring you both back home," another said as he took the horses.
"Come inside, Io; hurry," Cutler said, grabbing her hand and pulling her along, even as Xavier made a grab for her.
She was pulled inside the very crowded tavern and then turned so she might face a group of tables. She was still blinking, trying to make her mind believe her eyes when the big man stood up and held out his arms.
"My favorite lady, you have arrived at last," he bellowed, causing a momentary silence to fall over the room.
"Ian?" Io gasped, and before she could say how she got there, she was in his arms being swung in a circle.
"Why do you give that oaf all your affection?"
Io swung around as soon as she heard the question. "Jon?" With a laugh, she flung herself at the second man.
"Hello, beautiful," he said, hugging her tight.
"Flattery will not win her to you; she still likes me best," Gerald announced and plucked Io from Jon's hold. "You do still like me best?"
"Gerald," Io sighed and wrapped her arms around him.
"If she likes you best, I will question her sanity," Mark said, stepping up and taking hold of her chin. With a smile, he brushed at the tears that filled her eyes. "But she looks sound of mind to me. How fair you, my lady?"
"Oh, so much better now," Io said. "But I do not understand. What are you all doing here?" She tried to stop reaching out to touch them, but she struggled to believe they stood around her.
"That is a good question," Xavier said as he stepped up and took each man's hand in turn.
"Well, I received a letter full of whining and discontent about having to go to court and..." Jon started, and Io felt her backside clench. She'd written to all of them when she learned she'd have to go to court, but she'd tried to sound optimistic about it.
"I did not whine," she started her defense, but given the way Xavier was scowling at Jon and not her…
"Quite," Mark added. "Such complaining, from a grown man."
"Shut your mouths," Xavier snarled and punched Mark, though not hard, in the gut.
Before they all burst out laughing, she said, "I did not whine or complain. I simply stated I was disappointed I would not get to spend the summer at home."
Io breathed a sigh of relief and leaned against Gerald, who put his arms around her again. "Are you here to see us off?" she asked, happy she was able to see them again… in case… in case, she wasn't to return.
"See you off?" Ian laughed. "Not at all. We couldn't let yo
u go all the way to the throne without us. After all, we are sworn to protect the king. As easily as you set everything into frenzy, we might need to be there to keep his castle from falling down on his head."
"I do no such thing," Io huffed at the teasing. "If the king's house falls in, it will be to poor construction and not me."
She wasn't at all sure she liked the way every man standing around her rolled their eyes. She knew she did upset the nobility with her presence. Looking past them and seeing Lord Balbroke watching them, she saw a perfect example of a noble she'd upset. Perhaps it was time to make amends for saying those awful things to him that day. After all, it wasn't a kind thing to do—and if she were to avoid Xavier's whip.
She stood surrounded by the men she most trusted in the world, and knowing they'd be coming with her to court, she could almost be excited for the journey. Knowing, too, Xavier hadn't been as pleased as he played, it made her hopeful he'd keep to his intentions of making this a very brief trip. Though he'd warned her more than enough, their stay was more controlled by the whims of his king than by any want they might have.
It wasn't very long until things settled and Io was seated at a table, with Ian physically removing Cutler from the spot beside her, to enjoy a meal a little more substantial than the roasted rabbit and hard tack they ate most days. No one failed to complain about the amounts she consumed being too little, and no one tried once to bring the teasing and rowdiness to an end. As tired as she was, she wasn't sure how she managed to find the strength to laugh as much as she did. Sometime late in the night, she felt herself lain on a soft pallet and covered with warm furs. If Xavier joined her, she couldn't say. He wasn't beside her when she woke, but it seemed she was the last one to roll out of bed. Despite his lordship's complaints about the delays again, she wasn't rushed through the meal, nor rushed through a good scrubbing. When Xavier tried to put her on the roan, Gerald was quick to set her before him on his horse, leaving Xavier to shake his head and start them down the road.