Their first night in Shenandoah National Park, Lilly played harmonica and sang while Tony read the baby book.
“Did you ever do that?” Tony asked.
“What?” Lilly asked.
“That song you’re singing, make a drunken mistake? I did, not once, twice! The first time I woke up next to the ugliest person I ever saw. Her apartment was a pig sty. The second time it was worse. It was at my house – I was in the studio then – and I couldn’t get her to leave! She had opinions on everything. Finally I get her out, and she runs into TJ. He razzed me for weeks. She made bars scarier than Son of Sam.”
“No, I have scars.”
“Scars?”
“They are like a reminder of what could happen. Keeps you from making drunken mistakes. That evening with your friends in your apartment was the drunkest I’ve been since we were married.”
“That’s a high price,” Tony said.
“The man I was involved with in Jamestown, it took me forever. He assumed I was a virgin. I never said that, but I was slow. When we finally saw each other naked, he was shocked. He called me a scarred Lolita.”
“What an asshole! Adam, right? ” Tony said angrily. “He is an asshole.”
“You defend me. If he was here, I’d kick him in his puny balls,” Lilly agreed.
Tony shook his head and laughed.
“Well that was that for me. Is there anyone I could kick in the crotch for you?”
Tony laughed. “I’ll have to think about it. I knew love so I knew I was never close to being in love. Sometimes I wanted someone, but I couldn’t find her. I guess you were busy elsewhere.”
Tony, I have to pee. The baby’s on my bladder. When I come back, could you rub my neck and shoulder. It’s really aching.”
Tony massaged her, seeing her scars anew. “You were so hurt. You were …I couldn’t protect you when you needed it most. He’ll never touch you again.”
“Who?”
“Wayne Durling.”
She started to pull away. He held her.
“Lilly,” he said softly. “You are going to keep running into him until you push him aside.”
“Tony, what can I say?” Lilly asked desperately.
“Just talk. What you remember, what you are not sure of, how you felt about it, your family, the hospital. I really don’t know, whatever is hurting you.”
“I don’t know. It all hurts. It’s always going to hurt. There are tears on your face. It hurt you, too.”
Tony felt his face. “Yeah. We both gotta talk.”
“Tony, are you sure you want to hear this? I’m not sure what I remember but …it’s gross.”
“Gross? I haven’t heard that in years.”
“Well, Babe, this will gross you out. We have to get all comfortable and naked and in the bags first.”
Lilly settled in his arms. “I remember going to the station to bring you and Frank dinner. You had been to see the lawyer that day. I was worried about you. I must have walked to my mother’s friend’s house. I don’t remember any of that, like the house or the parents or the kids. Except I remember a voile panel curtain on the door.
“I remember calling the police. At first I thought I was being hysterical, but he was breaking into the door, the glass in the door broke. I remember thinking I should hide. I was on the phone with the cops. I knew he was going to rape me. But I didn’t believe. I could not believe it. He kept hitting me.
“I woke in a dark that smelled like the station. I thought I was in a coffin, but then I knew I was in a trunk. I heard sirens and thought I was saved. But when the trunk opened it was him. I opened my mouth to scream, and no noise came out. It’s like I freaked out. He dragged me by the hair and then carried me upstairs. I was paralyzed with fear.
“The building smelled. It was abandoned, a decaying tenement. There was a room, all set up and lighted with oil lamps. I didn’t understand it. There was a bed, a cot really, with a metal frame, like from an institution. There were ropes attached to each corner of the frame. I understood and started fighting. He kept calling me little flower. He spoke …it was weird. He was hitting me. He broke my ribs. He was so calm. He spoke …his voice was soothing, ‘don’t try to fly little flower. It’s no use.’ He hit me hard. I knew I was losing. He ripped my clothes.
“He threw me on the cot. He didn’t tie me. He pulled my jeans down. I remember still thinking he couldn’t rape me. I didn’t think it was possible ’cause, well this is going to sound stupid, but even now, when we make love, to get things going, my cooperation is essential. It was all so rough. I was trying to push him off me. I felt betrayed by my body when he penetrated me. I thought …” Lilly stopped talking.
He kissed her hair. It was wet from his tears. He hadn’t expected her recall to be so complete or detailed.
“Tony.” Lilly started again, faltering a little. She pulled back, looking at his face. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”
Tony thought for a minute. “I need to sit up.”
He got up and made a fire. He walked around the pile that was their packs wrapped for the night and said, “Lil, I think we need to resolve it and put it behind us before we can live our lives.
“You don’t know what it was like for me. I knew you were being attacked and raped. They talked about you like you were dead. Your family, your fucking family was about ready to call a funeral home and arrange a funeral, like … it was over. Oh, well, there goes another one. You were expendable to them.
“Then in the hospital, they didn’t let me in for so long. My mind was screaming. I couldn’t open my mouth. Lilly, I almost lost you. I did for a while. I lost both of us.”
“Tony I’m sorry. I was so self-absorbed.”
“You were almost dead. Reality to you was not much more than a minute for a long time. You had been to the other side. I didn’t know if you’d ever be able to make and keep memories. It was so scary. I had so much rage. I didn’t know what to do.”
They sat quietly for a few minutes.
Tony lay back down and held her. “We’re getting off track. What happened after he entered you?”
She looked down unable to recount those events while facing him.
“The first time, it only lasted a minute, but it hurt like I was a virgin. I thought he must be huge. But no, when he was walking around, I saw he wasn’t big at all. He jumped up pacing the room, talking to himself in low voices, one harsh one soft. I was still on the cot. I was hurt pretty badly by then. He started praying and then it changed from praying. He became increasingly enraged.
“Then he started whining, ‘You had to hit her so much, now she won’t like me.’ Tony, I knew this guy was completely wacky. I didn’t know what to do. He knelt on the floor under a meat hook. Quiet.
“I knew I had to get out of there. I tried to sit up but couldn’t. I rolled off the cot. I almost passed out when I hit the floor. He noticed me and ran over to me. He stopped talking wildly and pushed me up. He tied my hands in front of me, and then he suspended me from the meat hook.
“I thought my ribs were going to break through the skin. He walked around me hollering like I forced him to hurt me. He noticed my appendix scar. It was still pink. He went off on some tangent. He cut off my braid.
“Thank God I wore it low that night,” Lilly added with a touch of vanity that struck them both as funny.
“Your entire body was black and blue and bandaged. You wouldn’t have wanted to have your hair unfashionably short.”
“Well, I didn’t know. I never saw myself in a mirror until I was transferred to pediatrics.”
“We’re getting off subject,” Tony said quietly.
“OK, OK. It was quiet. I didn’t know. I could see a window. I couldn’t see anything through it . It was just black. I thought he might have left, but then I got hit by something really sharp, like a razor. Then I got hit again and I heard the crack, and I knew I was being whipped. I remembered a pirate movie where they stopped whipping the guy when he
passed out, so I dropped my head forward. He hit me a few more times. He came up behind me and put his head on my shoulder. He cried, ‘I didn’t want to hurt you little flower. You’ll be grateful.’ He said things like ‘pain purifies,’and then he became quiet. I passed out and woke up thinking he was gone.
“I wondered how long I could hang there before I was found. I thought they’d find my skeleton and then bury me in potter’s field. I cried and fantasized about how you’d tear Yonkers apart searching for me, then avenge my death. Stupid, huh?”
Tony didn’t answer but sucked in air sharply.
Lilly continued, “Then I peed. I don’t know why that bothered me so badly. Maybe ’cause I was so immature and there was a taboo about wetting your pants. Anyway he grabbed me from behind around my pelvis. I went berserk. I knew he was going to rape me again. He crooked a finger up my rectum and grabbed me while I was hanging there. He raped me anally.”
“Sodomized,” Tony corrected.
“Isn’t sodomy just anal sex, like you want to try? This was awful and painful. It was rape. Maybe that’s why I can never try it. Anyway, he cut the rope and dragged me to the cot. Everything is so fuzzy, like trying to remember specifics when you’re doing acid. Anyway, the next thing I’m really sure of was the worst. You have to swear …you’re going to hate me.”
Lilly looked away and then crossed to the fire. “I can’t say it.”
“Lilly this is it. Don’t you see? Everything up to now, you’ve been able to spout off. Now you’ve reached the point.”
He waited a minute. When she still was silent, he continued evenly, “Lil, anything he could have done to you, you didn’t do, Lillibelle. What could it be? Did he have some kind of animal?”
“Oh, that’s gross,” Lilly objected.
“What else then? No, it was something you did?” Tony said. He added, “I know you jumped. If you were suicidal, I understand.”
“That wasn’t yet. I betrayed you,” Lilly said brokenly and began to sob.
“Lil, anything, ANYTHING you did to stay alive was understandable. What? Did you give him head?”
“Oh God, no! Are you joking?” Lilly said between sobs. “If I tell you, you have to promise not to leave me here alone?”
“Belle, you’re my wife. You are pregnant with my baby. Trust me.”
“Tony …” She looked at him. “You see I thought he was going to rape me again. It hurt so bad. He kept saying things to me, and I was trying to buy time ’til I died. I said …I loved him.”
He laughed in relief, “Is that all? I expected something. I mean SOMETHING.”
Lilly said, “I guess it does sound dumb. But you have to figure, I never said that to anyone but you. My family never said it. My mother never once said that to me.”
They both gave nervous laughs and then laughed more and more until tears rolled down their faces.
Tony controlled his laughter first. “Is that all?”
“Well, the rest doesn’t matter. He ranted. I jumped out the window, and then I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember being stabbed or the dumpster. I’m exhausted, but I’m feeling tingling and free.”
She stood opening her arms to the sky and then noticed Tony’s expression.
“Are you all right? I mean with all this disgusting talk.”
Tony nodded. “I’m glad we could put this behind us,” he said half-heartedly.
“Something’s eating your gut. Physician heal thyself, as it were.”
Tony shrugged and turned away.
“Anthony?” Lilly said impatiently.
“It emasculated me. I should have saved you, or at least …like you said, tracked him down like Dirty Harry.”
“You’re being influenced by Hollywood.”
“Perhaps.” Tony was unconvinced. “Lil, I felt like everyone expected it of me, being so big and everything. I could see the accusations in everyone’s eyes.”
“That’s ridiculous. I would have died without you. Even if they had kept my body alive, I would have died. Listen, I’ll make you a deal. You forgive yourself for not being Clint Eastwood, and I’ll forgive myself for not being Joan of Ark. OK?”
“Your brothers went all over the next night looking for him.”
“My brothers! My brothers who never came to see me! My brother Daniel, who has not said one word to me since I was raped. When I came home – nothing. They may be Hollywood manly, but they were not men. You were there for me. They weren’t.”
Tony agreed without fervor and each retreated into their own thoughts to reconcile themselves with the events of that fateful night. They fell asleep separately, only to be awakened by a screech owl.
They made love with increasing fervency that revealed what a catharsis the evening had been.
They picked up the pace appreciably in Shenandoah, where the wide, evenly graded trail was a hiker’s dream. They reached Front Royal with their newly revised schedule.
Lilly sat on a bench eating a pint of ice cream while Tony called his parents. She was anxious to hear his parents’ reaction to their news. Lilly diverted her attention by figuring her caloric intake. She pictured herself climbing while pushing a grocery cart.
Tony appeared with a closed expression. She stood, followed him, and noted that his whole stance carried an air of sorrow. She waited until they were back on the trail and into pace before questioning him.
“What did they say? Are they dead set against me?”
“Strange choice of words. Tanta’s dead.” Tony walked faster.
Lilly hurried after him. “When?”
“Last week. My mother went into her room to get her up, and she was gone. They found her in the living room, sitting in Pops’ chair. Her heart had given out. The funeral was days ago. Ma’s really broken up about it. Pops, too. Do you think the baby is a girl? Tatiana della Robbia is a beautiful name.”
“It is.” Lilly said. She asked, “What did your parents say about us?”
“I didn’t tell them. They were too upset about Tanta. It wasn’t the right time. I’ll call them from Pennsylvania to shore up plans to meet at Bear Mountain. Pops doesn’t understand hiking at all. I tried to tell him it might be a Tuesday or Wednesday. We are as unpredictable as the terrain and the weather. I wonder if he will really take a day off midweek to go to Bear Mountain.”
“He takes days to go to games.”
“Yes, but that’s something he can understand. This is completely foreign to him.”
Lilly showed Tony the maternity patches she had purchased in Front Royal. He lifted her tee shirt and saw that her jeans weren’t buttoned.
“You don’t look any bigger. Your belly is so hard. Is that normal?”
“It’s fine, but I hope I don’t screw up putting these things in. I’d hate to climb mountains with my pants falling down.”
It began to rain as they came to a road in Paris, Virginia. They decided to find a room and shower. They walked along route 7 and came to a house with a woman pulling laundry from a line, while her husband worked on a truck.
Tony called, “Excuse me, do you know where we could find a room for the night?”
The husband and wife had a brief exchange. Tony and Lilly could hear them discussing bunking their children together and letting out one of their rooms. They whispered back and forth about prices, and then they addressed Tony.
“You could stay one night for ten dollars. Twenty-five if you both take showers and eat dinner and breakfast.”
“Deal,” Tony said, smiling. “We’re on the Appalachian Trail. We need showers and food and a dry bed.”
The wife nodded. “I’ll go change the sheets and tell the kids. Come in.” She motioned to Lilly.
Lilly followed her into their home, which seemed much larger on the inside. The household included five children, a grandmother, and a great grandmother. Lilly showered first. When she was done, she found Tony out with the husband, working on the truck. She returned inside.
The grandmother, who w
as the obvious queen of the roost, said, “Your husband a mechanic?”
“He was. We’ve been outside since May first. Wouldn’t you think he could miss a rainstorm? Not where there’s an engine.”
“I’m glad to hear he is a mechanic. Del’s not. He’s been fixing the same thing all summer,” Del’s wife said, then added, “Did you see the room? Is it all right?”
“Sure, but do you mind if I spread out a little here? I’m a miserable seamstress, and I have to put maternity panels in my jeans.”
The grandmother set up the machine, and a discussion on how best to insert the panels commenced among the women of the household. Lilly tried to stay above the fray, but felt nervous about her pants when a second woman picked up scissors and started snipping.
The pants turned out fine, and Lilly changed into them, returning with the jeans she was wearing and the other panel.
Tony and Del had finished the truck and were drinking home brew.
As the pants alteration was repeated, the ladies of the house turned their attention to telling Lilly childbirth stories.
The great grandmother shook her head saying, “He’s too big, you’re too small. You’re going to get cut like that.” With her hand, she drew a line across her abdomen.
Lilly looked up with smiling defiance. “I need another scar to balance things out.”
Tony laughingly warned the old lady, “She’s too mean to scare easily.”
Lilly smiled sweetly and then turned to give Tony dagger eyes.
They left early the next morning. Tony grumbled enough to tell Lilly he had a hangover. They pressed on to Maryland as the trail almost bypassed West Virginia. That night the second snake of their expedition visited their camp. Tony started, then hooked the snake with a branch and flung both.
“Why don’t snakes bother you?”
Lilly answered, “In the jungle, there were snakes, snakes, and snakes, in the trees, on the ground, everywhere. Once, I almost tripped on a log, only it wasn’t a log it was a snake. I used to jump out of my skin, but it wore off. If I didn’t die from snakes in that dangerous place, I’m not going to croak from a snake back home, safe home, unless that’s a paradox. It’s the same with bugs. They don’t bug me.”
A Yonkers Kinda Girl Page 44