by Elise Sax
I took a deep breath. I felt euphoric. My Miss Marple mojo was back in full force. I was so ecstatic that I more or less had forgotten that a serial killer was going to kill me.
“You’re going to let me out of here, or I’m going to slit her throat,” he threatened.
“I’m not going to let that happen,” Spencer said.
“What do you mean?” I asked. “You’re not going to let him out of here or you’re not going to let him slit my throat?”
“I’m serious,” he threatened, again. “I’ll kill her!”
“Now would be a good time to shoot him,” I told Spencer.
He didn’t have time to shoot him. Just then, the door opened, and Terri Williams, victim of cat scratch fever, ran in. “You did this to me, Gladie Burger!” she shouted like a wild banshee. “I’m going to get you for this!”
Sometimes, it’s not easy being me.
Terri came at me like a bull charging a matador but with much bigger hair. The serial killer World Records guy flinched in fear and pulled back. I did, too, just as Terri reached us, stepping out of her line of attack. That’s how she overshot and landed on the serial killer instead of me and took him down to the floor, going at him like a wildcat. The knife flew out of his hand and landed on the floor on the other side of the bar.
Spencer pulled me behind him. “Why don’t we do dinner and a movie like other couples?” he asked me.
The door opened again, and this time it was my match, Bruce Coyle. “I love you, Terri!” he shouted and made a beeline for her. “I’ll save you!”
We watched as he punched the serial killer in the jaw, knocking him out and pulled Terri into his arms. “Terri, my Terri,” he said, hugging her to him. Her eyes rolled around, as if she was trying to focus. Her face had long scratches on it, but she was still beautiful.
“Bruce?” she asked, slowly coming back to her senses. “Is that you?” The crazy had left her eyes, and I wondered if it was the power of love that had finally cured her cat scratch fever. A tear rolled down my cheek with the realization that I had succeeded in making a love match.
“Oh, Terri,” Bruce cooed at her. “You’ve come back to me. I’m so sorry about my cat.”
“What about your cat?”
“Will you marry me?”
Terri seemed to notice me for the first time since she had regained her sanity. “Gladie, why are you blue?”
“If anybody can explain to me what the hell is going on, I’ll pay you ten dollars,” Ruth announced to the tea shop.
“I think Terri is a serial killer,” Alice answered.
Lucy skipped toward me with her pearl-handled gun clutched in her hand. She gave me a hug. “Finally, I got to see the action,” she said, joyfully. “It was even better than I had imagined.”
“Did you shoot me?” I asked, looking at her gun.
“Did I? I was aiming for the world record guy.”
“Gladie, your arm is bleeding,” Spencer told me, pointing at my arm. I looked down.
“Holy shit, I’ve been shot.”
And I passed out.
I was in bed, watching Murder, She Wrote and eating Cheetos from a family-sized bag when my grandmother walked in. “Well, it’s been ten days, and I’m right as rain,” she told me. “Back to work with me. How are you feeling?”
I pointed at the bandage on my arm. “Better. Can you hold down the fort while I’m recovering?”
“I think I can manage.”
Meryl’s parrot flew into the room, landed on the television, and said something I couldn’t understand.
“Estonian,” my grandmother said. “We finally figured it out.”
“I think I heard Liz Essex speaking it. Do you think they had him for two years?”
“I think so. I heard the parrot say ‘orgia’ which means orgy in Estonian.”
“So, they were swingers, drug smugglers, and birdnappers.”
“But not killers,” Grandma said, always looking on the bright side.
Spencer walked into the room and plopped onto the bed. “What are we watching?” he asked, changing the channel to a baseball game. “And why is there a parrot on my new TV?”
“I hear that you’re looking for a new detective,” my grandmother said to Spencer.
He took a handful of Cheetos from my bag. “Yep. Terri’s left town to work in pesticides with her new husband, so I’m out a cop. Why? Do you have anyone in mind?”
“I might. I’ll get back to you about it.”
She left the room, and Spencer gave me a Cheetos-flavored kiss. “When Terri quit, I found the tickets.”
“What tickets?” I asked. “I know nothing about no stinkin’ tickets.”
“Nobody lies better than you, Pinky. Anyway, I got rid of them so you don’t have to sell a kidney to pay for them.”
“You’re so romantic.”
He took my ring hand and brought it to his lips. “I guess we have to start talking about China patterns.”
“We do? Is that a rule?”
“You’re not backing out on this marriage thing are you?” he asked. He was playing it off like he was joking, but I sensed that he was worried.
“Never. You and me are forever, Spencer. But I might back out of China patterns.”
“Most women would die for a China pattern.”
“What you don’t know about women could fill an encyclopedia.”
He pulled me in close to him. “Let me show you about how I can fill an encyclopedia.”
“You are five years old,” I said, but I got goosebumps thinking about it.
There was a sound in the doorway, and I sat up to see Bridget holding a thick stack of papers. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” she asked.
“Bridget, are you all right? Is the baby okay?” I asked.
“Yes, I came to show you my manifesto. I think we should make copies and send them to news outlets.”
She sat down on the chair next to the bed. “What news outlets?” I asked.
“All of them,” she said. “You want me to read you what I wrote? I think it’s groundbreaking and earth shattering.”
“Oh, God,” Spencer groaned.
“There’s a section about God in it, too,” she said.
I eyed the thick stack on her lap. “How many pages did you write, Bridget?”
“Only five-hundred-sixty. It’s the first volume. I figure there will be four volumes. Ready? Here we go. ‘Chapter one: Patriarchy in the Arrests of Innocent Women.’”
“I think she’s talking about you,” I told Spencer.
“Seriously, consider dinner and a movie for once,” he said and held me as we listened to Bridget’s manifesto.
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Continue the story with book nine, The Big Kill.
Also by Elise Sax
Five Wishes Series
Going Down
Man Candy
Hot Wired
Just Sacked
Wicked Ride
Five Wishes Series
Three More Wishes Series
Blown Away
Inn & Out
Quick Bang
Three More Wishes Series
Matchmaker Mysteries Series
An Affair to Dismember
Citizen Pain
The Wizards of Saws
Field of Screams
From Fear to Eternity
West Side Gory
Scareplane
It Happened One Fright
The Big Kill
Operation Billionaire
How to Marry a Billionaire
How to Marry Another Billionaire
Forever Series
Forever Now
Bounty
Switched
Moving Violations
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Elise Sax worked as a journalist for fifteen years, mostly in Paris, France. She took a detour fr
om journalism and became a private investigator before writing her first novel. She lives in Southern California with her two sons.
She loves to hear from her readers. Don’t hesitate to contact her at [email protected], and sign up for her newsletter at http://elisesax.com/mailing-list.php to get notifications of new releases and sales.
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