by K. C. Crowne
“Damn, boy. Took him down without a gun. I'm impressed,” Morgan said. “And here I thought you fireboys were all nerdy little pussies like Luke.”
I laughed. “We're tough enough not to need guns like you ladies do..”
“Yeah, you keep believing that.”
We traded a few more good-natured barbs as the others got Eric into handcuffs and hauled him to his feet. Together, we walked back toward base camp, each step we took making me feel better and better. This firebug asshole's reign of terror and destruction were over.
Sarah was safe. Her sister was safe.
That was all that mattered.
9
Sarah
With everything going on, I honestly forgot all about Christmas. Austin had kept his word - we were home in time for Christmas. A day before Christmas, actually. The first thing I did when I got back to San Diego was call my sister Mallory. Catching up with Jacklyn for a little while after we'd gotten the fire put out, made me realize it was on me to reach out to them sometimes. Maybe they assumed I was just as busy as they were, and I could – should – do a better job of making them more of a priority in my life.
I did more than call, however. I invited Mallory over for Christmas. Jacklyn was there too, but she kept to herself. She was still reeling from the heartbreak, and I couldn't blame her for wanting to be left alone.
Wes was singing along, loudly, to “We Wish You a Merry Christmas!” The eggnog had been spiked, and he'd had more than his fair share. Laughing, I plopped down next to Mallory on my sofa.
“How's life, sis?” I asked her, sipping my own glass of eggnog. “Your men keeping you busy?”
“Of course. They keep me jumping, no question,” she laughed. “But things are good. Really good.”
I hadn't seen Mallory smile like that in years, and it made my heart happy. Still, part of me was envious of what she had. I looked out across my living room, at my own men spread about. Austin was talking with Luke near the pitiful excuse for a Christmas tree. Owen was off by himself, but not too far from Wes. He was smiling at Wes, shaking his head and chuckling at Wes's antics. For once, he didn't seem out of place amongst us and that was a Christmas miracle in and of itself. I loved having them all here, together, and my smile only faded when the reality of the situation hit me.
I'd have to choose amongst them.
Wes and Luke were okay with sharing – they'd already come to that agreement with me. But, Austin and Owen? I had some other news to share with them - bittersweet news. News that might change everything – especially between Austin and me. I had a lot of decisions to make, and I felt like Mallory might be the only person who could help. I was pretty sure she was the only person who would understand.
“Sarah?” Mallory waved her hand in front of my face, pulling my attention back to her.. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, sorry, just thinking,” I said, as I bit my lip. “You know, I'm wondering – how does it work with your guys? Like, do they get jealous of each other? Are they competitive with one another for your attention? How is it possible to be with four different men and still keep the peace between them all?”
“That's a lot of questions,” she laughed. “Are you asking out of idle curiosity? Or because you're looking for some advice?”
“Honestly? Mostly advice, I guess,” I admitted sheepishly. I shot a quick glance around the room, and Mallory read my mind.
“Do you think they'd be open to sharing?” she asked me.
“I know two of them are. I kind of already have that arrangement with them. But I don't know about the others,” I said. “They don't know about the other two – or each other for that matter. It's a big fucking mess, sis.”
It felt silly even worrying about it, honestly. Austin could still decide that as our supervisor, he had no choice but to keep his distance – and while and Owen and I had had fun the night at the ranch, it could have just been the adrenaline of the situation fueling things. Wes and Luke were purely keeping things casual, even though I suspected we all had some feelings for each other. Especially after everything we'd been through. Going through that kind of a hellish experience tended to bond people together tightly.
“First thing you need to figure out,” Mallory said, “is whether or not they can share. Talk to them. Be honest with your feelings, even if it's hard. You need to find that out up front, or you might as well not even entertain the notion, sis.”
“You make it sound so easy though.”
“Trust me, it's not,” she chuckled. “But it is worth it. At least, it is if you can make it work. Truthfully, it's not conventional by any means, but I've never felt so appreciated and loved in my entire life.”
“I guess I need to talk to them, huh?” I sighed.
“Yep,” Mallory said, patting my arm, “To be in a relationship with anyone - even just one p;erson - requires communication, Sarah. I know it's hard, but you save lives for a living. What's a heart-to-heart conversation have against running into a firy building?”
“Honestly? I'd take the firy building over this any day,” I muttered. I had so much to lose if it went south. I could lose all of them, all the men I cared about deeply.
“Rip off thre bandaid, Sarah,” Mallory said, nudging me up off the couch. She cackled with laughed.
“You need to put the eggnog down, sis,” I teased.
She shrugged and drank some more. “Only after you talk to your guys.”
“Fine, okay, I'm going,” I said.
“Good luck, sis,” Mallory said, her tone more serious than before.
Yeah, I needed all the luck I could get.
Austin was now alone, and our eyes met from across the room. We hadn't really spoken since the wildfire, and we hadn't talked about anything personal. But he was the first person I needed to talk to. Not just because of my feelings for him, but because I had other news I had to share. News he needed to hear from me, directly.
In that moment, with “Jingle Bells” filling the air, it felt like Austin and I were the only two people in the room. The music drowned out the others, and I closed the distance between us.
I came face-to-face with my boss, and we both smiled. That's when I noticed the present in his hands. He handed it to me. “It's not wrapped very well, but it's my way of saying that I'm sorry for overreacting,” he said.
I motioned toward the tree. “Your gift is under there, with all the rest,” I said.
He chuckled and rubbed his chin. “And here, I figured I didn't deserve any presents this year. For being such a dick and all.”
I hugged him. He seemed surprised, but I wrapped myself around him and melted into his firm, strong body. He relaxed and put his arms around me, and it was complete and utter bliss.
“We need to talk,” I whispered to him. “But I'd like to talk to you, alone.” .”
Austin nodded, and I led him from the living room down to my bedroom. The Christmas music was still echoing down the hall, but it was quieter and more private. I shut the door behind us, and Austin handed me his gift. I placed it on the nightstand, for now.
“I need to get this out, before I lose my nerve, Austin--”
But he cut me off, pressing his lips against mine. He silenced me, just like that, and I forgot about everything I had intended on telling him. I pulled away, but only because the reality hit me hard. Tears flooded my eyes.
“I'm taking a new job, Austin. I'm no longer going to be working with you, at the firehouse--”
“Sarah, please--” Austin said.
I held up my hand, stopping him. “No, this is for the best. I'm going to miss all of you dearly, but its a promotion. Something that will be good for me, and it has nothing to do with us - if there is even an us after everything that's happened.”
Austin was silent, and his brow was furrowed. I'd caught him off guard. I meant everything I said too. It wasn't just about no longer working underneath him, I needed something else. I needed more, and I wanted to do more. My new positio
n would allow me to make an even bigger impact and to hopefully save more lives.
“I'm happy for you,” Austin said. “You're going to tell me about the new gig, right? What is it, what will you be doing, where is it?”
“I will,” I said, wiping my eyes. “But I want to announce it to everyone first. I just wanted to let you know it was coming.”
Austin brushed a strand of hair away from my face and stared deep into my eyes. I knew what he was thinking because I was thinking it too.
We could finally be together.
Except, of course, it wasn't that easy anymore.
“I have something else I need to say, Austin,” I said, my voice cracking. I could no longer look in his eyes as I said the next part. “I have feelings for you, you know that. But I also have feelings for Owen, Wes and Luke, and I really don't think I can decide between any of you.”
The tears slid down my cheeks even faster now, and Austin wiped them away. He didn't respond for a long time, but his body tensed up. I felt him go stiff against me, and I knew I had to see his face. I tilted my head upward and met his gaze, expecting to see hurt or anger, but instead, he didn't look the least bit surprised.
Leaning close, he kissed me gently on the lips.
“Let's get back to the party,” he said. “And let you share your big announcement.”
Without knowing how he felt or what he was thinking, I felt lost. Instead of fighting for some answers, however, I nodded. He might need some time, I told myself. Give him some time to think. Hell, I needed some time too. If I had to decide between my men, it wouldn't be a choice I took lightly. At one time, Austin would have been the only man for me, but a lot had changed. I'd seen my team in a new light, learned things about them that I hadn't known before. Nothing would ever be the same again.
We walked down the hallway in silence, and Austin had Wes turn down the music. With the room mostly silent, all eyes were on me.
“Hey guys,” I said, clearing my throat. “I have an announcement to make.”
All four men turned their attention toward me. Austin was closest to me, and his brow was furrowed with lines as he looked at me. Concern was etched across his features, and the features of the other men I'd fallen for over the last few months and years of working with them.
“Is everything okay?” Luke asked.
I nodded. Everything would be okay, though what I was about to say was bittersweet and brought tears to my eyes. Wiping them away, the guys all circles around me. They were standing so close together – and so close to me – I couldn't tell where one man began and the next ended. The strange thing about it was, that it felt nice. Really nice. The warmth of their bodies, and the strength, as well as the love, I felt radiating from each of them, made the next part even easier.
“Everything is fine. I just have some news,” I said. Taking a deep breath, I let it out. “I've been offered the opportunity to join a specialized team trained in fighting California wildfires. After what happened, and watching the ranch be destroyed, I've decided to take the position.”
The faces of the men around me fell, one-by-one as they realized what this meant for our little family. I'd be leaving the team. I'd be leaving them behind and moving on. Leaving them behind – I hated thinking of it like that, because they'd forever be part of my life. I'd make sure of it. Even if we couldn't find a way to be together intimately, I needed them to be a part of my world. I looked up and met Austin's eyes. We both knew what this meant, and truth be told, it was one of the many reasons I decided to take the job in the first place.
Austin would no longer be my supervisor. There'd be no excuses for us to not be together if we wanted to. If he truly wanted to be with me, we'd find a way to make it happen. There was only one other thing holding us back though, and I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'd have to talk to all of them about it.
After a few moments of stunned disbelief and the silence that came along with it, they congratulated me. Tears – mostly mine -- were mixed in with their words, but there were smiles thrown in as well. Every one of them was happy for me. This was a promotion, an opportunity to move up in our field. To become an expert, and to also make a difference in our community and beyond. It's what we all busted our butts for – the chance to do some good. With this opportunity, I thought I could do even more good than I already was – and for more people.
Things settled down a bit and the conversations resumed as the guys started to eat and drink. There was a tinge of sadness hovering over the room, now. I felt it. But I also felt genuine warmth from the guys. Both of my sisters congratulated me, and Jacklyn even seemed genuinely happy for me. They were happy for me. Excited for me. It meant the world.
Mallory left early, she had to work early the next morning. Jacklyn drove her home since Mallory had a little too much to drink. I said goodbye to my sisters after exchanging our gifts, and that left me alone with my men.
Before she left, Mallory whispered, “Get your answers tonight, Sarah. Before everyone goes their separate ways.”
She was right.
“Austin, Owen, can we talk for a moment?” I asked, finally getting the guts to do what needed to be done. Two of the four would be okay with sharing, but Austin and Owen? I had to face the facts, they might not be okay with it, and I needed to know now. The longer we waited, the harder it would be for all of us.
The two men followed me down the hallway, and I closed the door a bit behind us, just for some privacy. Owen stood before me, his face a beautiful, stoic mask. His blonde hair and blue eyes giving him an almost delicate look, even with his chiseled features. His jaw was clenched tight, as if he was afraid to show any emotions in front of Austin. He probably was, all things considered. I'd seen a part of him that no one had seen, though. I knew the beauty and kindness that laid inside that hardened shell. He was a lonely little boy used to people not caring about his feelings.
Without saying a word, I walked over to him and took his face into my hands. His skin was soft, his face smooth and freshly shaven. His eyes were like ice at first, but they melted into a sea of blue as we gazed into each other's eyes. I smiled, and that pulled a smile from him as well.
I kissed him softly on the lips. A soft, chaste kiss. It was my way of saying, “I understand you're afraid, but there's nothing to be afraid of with me.” Maybe Owen picked up on the message, maybe he didn't, but his face softened even more, making me hopeful he understood.
Austin stood off to the side looking aghast by what I'd just done. He'd been my rock for so long, and then I'd kissed the one person he struggled with the most – right in front of him no less. The expression on his face made me feel like I'd somehow betrayed him, and that he was wounded deeply. I left Owen's side and took Austin's hands in mine. He looked down at our hands, confusion setting in, his eyes full of questions.
“I know the two of you have had your difficulties in the past,” I said, “But I care about you both so much. I care about all of you, but you two – I can't handle the two of you not getting along.”
Austin lifted his chin and met my gaze. Then he looked over at Owen and the two of them shared a look. I expected arguing or fighting, something. Instead, they surprised me. Austin's expression shifted. It became – softer. Kinder. It looked a lot more normal, and more like the way he looked at any one of us.
“Owen, I'm sorry if you think I've been tough on you,” Austin said. “I've seen too many people die, and I don't want that happening to you. That being said, you've impressed me with how you handled things back at the ranch. You stepped up and showed yourself to be a leader. Maybe I need to let go a bit.”
Owen started to speak, but Austin held up a hand. “One sec, I'm not finished,” he said, sighing heavily and turning back to me, and there was a hurt in his eyes, something I had hoped to never see. “Sarah, if you choose Owen, there will be no hard feelings. I want you to be happy. That's really all I want for you – happiness.”
Owen jumped in then, “Austin, man, I don't know i
f any of us can compare to you,” he said, his voice tinged with sadness. “We all see the way she looks at you –”
“Stop, both of you,” I said, feeling like my insides might implode under the crushing weight and anxiety of it all. “I can't choose. I simply can't choose between any of you. Which is why I need to end things with all of you, now, before people get hurt.”
I let go of Austin's hands, but only to wipe at my eyes. My cheeks were wet with fresh tears, and my heart was stuttering drunkenly in my chest. I wasn't usually one to cry, but that night brought all of my emotions out of me and put them on display for everybody to see. My entire life was about to change, and I knew it. I just wasn't sure how it would change. My dream would be to live a life like Mallory – happy with all of the men I loved. But that was selfish. It was unrealistic, and perhaps even a bit naïve to think it could happen between all of these strong, alpha-type men.
“Sarah, please,” Owen said, rushing over to me. “We just want you to be happy.”
I let him wrap his arms around me. Austin came up behind me, holding me from behind. Nestled between them, my heart swelled with love, desire, and emotion. I felt safe and loved, and I never wanted them to let me go. I tried to ignore reality and got lost in the fantasy of having it all.
I kissed Owen again, this time my lips lingered longer than they should have. His hands moved through my hair until they were cradling my face, holding me there. My lips parted, inviting him in. I couldn't resist any long. He kissed me, and Austin stroked my back, comforting me. As soon as it hit me what I was doing, I pulled back.
“No, I can't choose – I won't choose,” I said. “I need to get out of here –”
Austin spoke up from behind me, his voice soft. “What if you didn't have to choose, Sarah?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, looking at him. Internally, I hoped he meant what I thought he meant, but I didn't believe it at the time. I wanted him to come to this on his own, so I bit back my words and waited.