by Gabrielle G.
Chris drags me to his bedroom and finds us some beers from his father’s stash. I drink, in my mind replaying my story with Alane, from the moment we met until our time ran out. Chris' voice breaks the noise in my head as he says what a best friend should say, that it’s just young love, that I should experiment anyway before getting married, that if it’s meant to be, we’ll end up together again. It sounds like bullshit, but he’s trying to have my back. The beers keep coming, and I drink them all. I can’t drive home, I don’t want to go home, I want to leave, tonight or tomorrow and never come back, ever again. I mumble it to Chris, who puts his hand on my shoulder to ease my pain without succeeding one bit.
“I’ll take care of everything, bud, don’t worry.” I crash on his bed, sadness crushing my heart. My world is spinning. I need to leave for an alternate universe where it’s possible to survive without Alane.
Finally closing my eyes, I feel like death.
Guilt takes over imagining how she feels. I should have told Luke to check on her. She’s alone when I have my best friend. I fall asleep on his bed, still thinking about her, and wondering if I will ever stop.
When I wake up the next morning, my parents are standing over me. My head is pounding from the alcohol I drank last night and the heartache I inflicted on myself.
“I’m sorry.” My father smiles apologetically. “Seattle is the best school for you.” His voice is sweet, and his eyes are conflicted. “It’s no fun seeing you hurt, Son, and we know it seems insurmountable now, but it will get better. Trust me, I broke my own heart before finding your mother.” I shrug, lacking the energy to do anything else. I reek of beer and remorse. Tears fill my eyes again, but I wipe them away quickly, not wanting to cry in front of my father.
“Let it go, sweet boy.” My mother sits on the bed and takes me in her arms. “I’ll miss you,” she adds in a strangled voice. That’s when I see my suitcase next to Chris’ bed.
I look at it, trying to understand. I know I said I wanted to go, but it seems the last fifteen hours are a little blurry. I never thought yesterday morning that I would be leaving so fast, not graduating with my class and spending my summer almost three thousand miles away from home.
“Mr. Harbor and Pastor Smith organized everything. You can stay at a family friend of the Harbors before school starts, discover the city, and spend the summer on the west coast. With the money you’ve earned, and what we’ve put aside for you, you’ll be comfortable. They even found you a job. Don’t worry, it will all work out,” my father says ruffling my hair. I feel betrayed and abandoned, but it’s my own fault for not sharing with them what happened over the last two years. I hid it all. They can’t help me if I don’t give them all the pieces they need, and I can’t tell them. I don’t want them to fight my battles for me; it would only compromise Alane’s future. I need to leave town, it’s the only option I have for Alane to get what she deserves.
“Luke?” I ask, knowing well enough my brother will never forgive me for what I’ve done. He’d already warned me that he would choose her over me.
My mother shakes her head sighing. “He destroyed your room. He’ll calm down. You know how he gets when he’s hurt.”
“Sal?” I ask, hoping my little sister will say goodbye to me.
“She’s too mad that you’re leaving. Give them time. You didn’t only break Alane’s heart. You also broke the heart of your siblings.”
“Even Barn?” I half-laugh, half-cry because I’ll miss everybody, even the bed-pisser.
“He wants to punch you for hurting her. I’m not surprised. I think Alane was his first crush.” My mother brings her hand to my face and caresses my cheek to reassure me.
“Aaron, it’s going to be okay. Believe me. It will all be for the best. Now, you have to go. You have a flight to catch, sweet boy. I’ll see you at Thanksgiving or Christmas, okay?” She kisses me, crying. “It’s hard for a mother, preparing the chicks to fly from the nest, but that day has come. You can finally fly alone. I’m hoping you won’t crash without me. You’re an amazing person, Aaron. Be young, have fun, enjoy your life away. I love you, my boy.”
My father has to separate us, reminding her I need to dress and get ready if we want to make the flight. He explains how the family I’m going to live with in Seattle has a son who’s one year older than me and promised he would show me the Emerald City and the life of the Evergreen State.
I sigh.
Becoming a Seattleite is the last thing on my mind but the only escape I have. So, I get up, get dressed and leave for my new life, knowing I left my heart behind in Springs Falls, NY.
20
Now – Aaron
When I was a teenager, and I thought of my adult life, Alane sitting at a kitchen bar while I prepare supper is what I envisioned.
Except that instead of having teenagers sent to their grandparents for the night so I could relive a hurtful past with my ex-girlfriend, we would have been sharing plans for our next vacation with the kids happy to be around us. It was a dream, a fantasy that I never shared with Alane and even less with Jess.
Jess was never home and wouldn’t be the kind to plan any vacation. In the summer, she would ask us to follow her wherever her assignment sent her. She never took time off, and when she did, it was because I needed her home during the busy season. Summer should have slowed her down, with most of the sports being on a break, but she always found a conference to attend, a seminar to go to, and a class to enroll in. We joined her when the kids were little. I traveled alone with them when they grew up.
I wonder if my life with Alane would have been any different. If she had been a hockey player, would we have followed her wherever, or would I have resented her like I did Jess? Would our marriage have been doomed anyway? I’ll never know. What I do know is that fucking her on a table woke up feelings, kissing her stirred up desire, and seeing her sitting at my kitchen bar awakened a nostalgia I wish I could suppress.
We never had a fair chance, and I always said if I could, I would beg her to be with me again.
But should I?
Her father is dead, and we live in the same city. Father Smith broke his promise and sent her to Arizona anyway, but Alane became a very different woman than what I thought she would.
On the other hand, she doesn’t seem to resent me for having become what I wanted even if she didn’t, and her body reacts to me as it always did. Her mother and Patricia are still around, but they are irrelevant to the man I’ve become. I just have to tell her what happened and hope she’ll understand that I thought I had no choice. She takes a sip of her wine, zooming in on my working hand.
“So?”
“So, your father thought we had sex.” I continue cutting my vegetable in julienne style, avoiding her gaze as best I can.
“Yeah, I know that.”
“You do?” She nods. “Is that why he sent you to Arizona?”
“No, I asked to go.” Her revelation chills me.
“I went to Seattle for you not to go to Arizona,” I admit. She waves me off rapidly.
“No, you went to Seattle for school. You cut off all communication with me, dumped me because you wanted to live your life, be single and have fun with girls.” I put the knife down as a precaution.
“No, I went to Seattle because your father said if I didn’t, you would never go to the school you wanted, and he wouldn’t pay for anything else. I was a young, stupid kid, and I didn’t think I had any other choice,” I explain, my hands gripping the counter.
“That’s not what they told me!” Her voice is pained and lost.
“Who are they?” She shakes her head vigorously not willing to answer my question.
“Start from the beginning!” she demands, breathing rapidly. I throw my julienne vegetables in the frying pan to start cooking.
“So, the first time I spoke with your father I was, I don’t remember well, but I was maybe sixteen or just after my seventeenth birthday.”
I wince, trying to remember th
e chronology of our story. You would think I’d remember the exact moment I fucked myself over, but I don’t. I blocked it out for so long, I can’t remember the details.
“Your father told me that he would allow us to date until I graduated, but after that, I shouldn’t be an obstacle for your future. I knew that our time was limited, but we were in love, we were young, we thought we were forever. I didn’t really forget about it, but I believed I would find a solution, or he wouldn't remember. I truly thought he was saying it more to scare me about having sex with you than anything else.” I pause to look at her while I continue stirring my dish. Her eyes are closed, and she gestures for me to go on.
“Then we tried to find a solution, my parents pushed for Seattle, and I told them your father didn’t want us together. They spoke to him, he convinced them that I misunderstood him and said he had contacts for me to get into the culinary school in Seattle. Anyhow, my parents were on board and were pressuring me to go, saying we could pick up where we left off once I came back. Then you said you’d come with me, and I had hope, Al, but reality came crashing down on me.”
Her eyes are still, and a single tear runs down her cheek. “Continue,” she murmurs.
“So, the day we… I…” She opens her eyes and narrows them on me. I swallow trying to gather my courage.
“The day you broke my heart?” she scowls.
“The day I broke both of our hearts.” I gulp, reducing my pan to a simmer and closing my eyes. “That day, your father said he knew we were having sex, and I had a choice to make. I had two days to leave for Seattle, or you would be sent away. Patricia told him the plans that we were hatching, she told him that we were having sex, and all we had done together and more. I couldn’t see any other solution. I didn’t want you to throw it all away for me, so I walked away, went to Chris’. I slept there, and the next morning, my father drove me to the airport. Your father and Chris’ dad had everything laid out for me: my early graduation, where I would stay, where I would work, who I would hang out with.”
“You didn’t fight for us?” It’s a punch to my gut. She purses her lips and lowers her brows. I’m hurting her all over again.
“I told him it wasn’t true. I told him Patricia was spreading rumors, but what else could I have done? Having you follow me, and then what, Al? I did what I thought was right to let you have the future you wanted.” I defend myself; my stomach hardening by who the man I am now, now knows as cowardice, when the teenager I was then thought was bravery. “I loved you, and I just wanted you to have what you deserved.”
I walk around to her side of the bar and reach out for her. She jerks back, flinching at my touch. “I really thought you went to school and were playing hockey somewhere. I never really looked you up, I couldn’t. I never left because I wanted to be with someone else. I met Jess, but I truly believed we were over.” My hand is on her knee, and I push her legs open to walk in between them. I engulf her in my arms and hug her like I should have when I destroyed us. “I’m sorry, Al,” I whisper in her ear.
Not that I can erase what I did or forget our lives without each other.
We both have kids from different partners, and I’m confident she wouldn’t rewrite her story and not have her son like I wouldn’t rewrite mine and not have Hal and Law in my life. But I believe we need to heal, and the first step is apologizing and taking responsibility for what I did to us.
We stay like this for what seems like a long time, just breathing each other in.
“I’m so mad,” she finally says.
“I know. I hope you can forgive me.” I step back, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. Our gazes lock, and I get lost in all the emotions I see in her eyes.
“Forgiving you is not an issue. I got over it a long time ago. I’m mad at myself for not seeing whom my father was, but we were kids after all. I’m mad at Patricia. She made me believe you told Chris you were happy to be without me. She said you were happy to be single, living the perfect life in Seattle. I barely talked to her for years. I’m just…”
“It is what it is, Al. I can’t regret meeting Jess, and you can’t regret meeting your husband. We have kids. We are here together again, and as much as I hurt you, we are adults now. I would like to date you, but if I need to do some more groveling, I will.” I see her hesitate, biting her lip and looking anywhere but towards me.
“I’m not the same Alane you used to know, Aar…” she starts.
“I’m not the same Aaron.”
She laughs. “You so are! The only difference is that your shyness transformed into assholeness with age. You’re still very intense, broody, serious, and driven. I’m just a fuck up with a lot of trust issues and anxiety attacks.” She shrugs, and it hurts me to hear her speak that way about herself.
“What happened to you?” I ask her softly as she sighs heavily. It feels like eternity passes us by before she finally decides she can share her story.
“When I met Mark, I was waitressing in a sex club.” I keep my face blank. I always knew Alane was adventuress, and even if her declaration stirs my dick and heats me up, I refuse to show her anything else but relevance. If she’s opening up, it’s not for me to judge. She closes her eyes and breathes in slowly. “Over the years, we went pretty far. I was rebelling against my father’s values, I guess. I was finally free of his hold on me, so I was living all my fantasies. I did most of the things you can only imagine...” I rub my hand on her knee to encourage her to continue. “Anyway, one day while we were doing a scene,” she adds, and I want to know details, but I won’t pry. I can’t get aroused while she’s telling me who she has become. “I panicked. Over time, I couldn’t participate in what Mark and I used to like. I wanted more ‘conservative sexual encounters’, as my therapist would say. Mark and I divorced. I had become too vanilla for him, and I understand that.”
“Sex on a table in my restaurant is all but vanilla,” I say, remembering last night, and getting a little bit harder at the thought of what we did.
“I guess it depends on the experience one had before. I was also slightly drunk, or maybe it was because it was with you.” She hesitates.
“What triggers the anxiety? Sex?”
“It does. You calmed me down yesterday, and I can tell you it’s the first time someone has actually appeased me. Mark and Adam were never able to. I have a list of triggers and the mantras to calm me down, but you just block everything else.”
“What was happening in your life when it happened?” My hand is now soothingly caressing her thigh.
“Adam had just turned seventeen, we were happy, I was teaching. Everything was fine. It’s as if from one day to another, I was done with the clubs, the BDSM and all of our lifestyle.” I’m so aroused by her that I could fuck her on the stool, but I won’t. I step back to attend to my vegetables and turn off the stove, trying to regain some control.
“What about your son?” I ask, trying to change the subject from her sex life.
“What about him?” she answers nervously.
“Did he know what kind of life you were living? Did he say something that day that could have triggered something?”
“Of course not. We are very close, and I tell Adam everything, but I never spoke about that with him. I’m not as cool as your parents.” She smiles, but it fades fast. “I also can’t speak about his father with him. Aaron, he’s—”
“I understand.” I cut her off because I don’t want to hear about her ex. “It’s hard for me to speak about their mother to the kids, to explain how I think she was cheating on me for years and I never caught her. But in a way, I was cheating on her, too. I never stopped thinking about you, wondering about all the what-ifs and all the what-nows. I was a cheater long before she cheated on me.” She sips the last drop of her wine, and I come closer again to top it off.
“The what-ifs…” she murmurs, looking at my lips.
“And the what-nows,” I whisper, wetting mine. I lean closer, not able to control the pull she has on me,
her magnetic eyes tugging on my soul and her whole body screaming for my touch.
“Sweets, let me kiss you.” I sigh while brushing her lips with mine.
“And then what, Aar?” Her hands are on my back, and I feel my skin burning under her fingers, even through my T-shirt.
“Then let me remind you how we were happy together.” Her tongue darts out and licks my lips. I groan.
“Let me show you we can be even happier.” I push my tongue in her mouth, while she stands on the footrest and wraps her legs around my waist.
“Fuck me like it was the nineties, Aaron Gritt,” she says in my mouth. I laugh because I don’t want to fuck her like the virgin I was. I bring her to my bedroom and shove her to the middle of the bed. I’m not intimidated by her past because I know it wasn’t just sex with me. She might have slept with a lot of men, and I slept only with Jess, but I know that Alane and I are something else. We always had more chemistry than we could bargain for.
“Strip,” I tell her, and there is a glimmer of amusement in her eyes.
“You first.” She bites her lip. “I haven’t seen you naked in almost thirty years.” She opens my pants. I shove her hands out of the way, and I strip fast, standing at the end of the bed, waiting for her to do the same.
“Holy fuck, Gritt. You grew up nicely.” She chuckles. I narrow my eyes at her and stroke my hard cock a couple of times.
“Strip. Last time you were on my bed, I had many reasons to fuck you but only one not to, and I let my head convince my dick. I have no reason not to fuck you tonight. Get naked, Sweets.”
I see the moment she hesitates, certainly afraid to let go and losing her battle against her anxiety. I crawl onto the bed and straddle her, my dick resting in the fold of her jean-covered thighs. Bringing my hands to her face, I caress her cheeks with my thumbs and bring her in for a soft kiss.
“Sweets,” I groan. “If you feel the anxiety coming, I want you to kiss me. If you need to stop, if it’s too much, if you need a break, I want you to tell me. If you don’t want sex with me, you can stop it all, no questions asked. I want you to take your time, okay?” She smiles at me, and I smile back, knowing exactly what she needs to hear.