by Gabrielle G.
After swallowing the ibuprofen, the waiter provided, I reach for my phone. My mother made sure to send me Adam’s phone number as soon as he gave it to her. Shaking, my fingers hover above the screen, trying to find the resolve and the courage to start a semblance of a relationship with my son. Breathing in, I bring up his number and call.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Adam, It’s Aaron. How are you?”
“I’m fine. I was, in fact, wanting to talk to you about something.”
“Yeah?” Hearing so warms my heart. The idea that he would come to me for anything like a son would, makes me happy.
“I’m sorry I didn’t reach out to you. I needed a little time to process.”
“Yeah. Bella and Mom told me so. Look, I’m just pulling up to the farm. Can we meet tonight?”
“Oh, you’re in town. For how long?”
“Don’t know yet. I’m not sure it’s up to me to invite you for supper, but from what I saw, Bella wouldn’t mind.”
I chuckle. “No, she wouldn’t mind having me for supper. Just tell her I’ll be there, and I’ll send Lawson and Hailey beforehand. I know you were texting with Law, and I’m sure he’ll be happy to officially meet you.”
We hang up with the agreement I’ll be at my parents in the next two hours once I’m sure Jacob has it all under control.
It’s a full house at the farm tonight. I wasn’t aware that Luke and Dex were, once again, back in town. As busy as my brother claimed to be for years, he sure finds time to be back much more than he used to.
At this point, they should buy something in the area.
Lawson freaked out when he came face to face with Adam, he couldn’t believe his half-brother is the same guy as his favorite graphic novelist. He brought his collection over and had Adam sign anything that he ever drew that Law owns.
It was cute to see my fifteen-year-old nerd so passionate about something. Hailey was more reserved. I had to reassure her our relationship wouldn’t change. She was still my favorite sporty girl. Her competitive streak peaked, and I knew she was ready to beat Adam to the finish line or in the nuts. I’m never sure with Hal.
We’re now sitting on the porch after supper. Barnabas is explaining to my parents what he wants to do with the farm, how he sees his future. He’s sharing his need for adventure and desire to change things around. If I’m following, he wants to make it more of an adventure resort where guests would be challenged. He still wants to host weddings and even proposed new services for bachelor and bachelorette parties, so Sal will still be able to plan it all. Dex looked over all the legal stuff, as the new lawyer of the family. Luke checked the business plan. It’s a good plan.
“What about Aaron’s restaurant? I mean, don’t you have a part of the farm to cultivate the vegetable for Gritt Your Plate?”
We all turn to look at Adam. I’m confused by his knowledge of what’s happening at the family farm and his concern for my business. The look he sends me reminds me of Alane. He does care. Leaning back in my seat, I go over the myriad of emotions swirling in my brain. I’m surprised, flattered, touched, impressed, pleased, but there is still anger lingering around, even if this anger is not aimed at Adam. When I get out of my head, I now see that they’re all looking at me, certainly waiting for my answer.
I hear Luke’s laugh and Dex reprimanding him. Turning my attention to Adam, I clear my throat to push away all that I feel and look somewhat normal in front of my family.
“We already spoke about it. I’m fine with just a plot, and I’ll pay Barn to take care of it, or I’ll hire someone else.” I shrug. It doesn’t matter to me. Nothing else matters. The conversation picks up back around me, and I slip away again, thinking of all the moments I missed with this kid. How he calls another man Dad, how I wasn’t there for any of his firsts. No first smile, words, steps, schooldays, girlfriend, heartbreak, no graduation, puberty, fight, or complications. I had no words to say about anything.
“I know it’s not easy,” Adam says, offering me a glass of red wine. Looking around, I see Salomé a few steps away, always ready to jump down someone’s throat if I need help. Focusing back on Adam, I raise one eyebrow, trying to understand what he means. He sits next to me, a glass of whiskey in his hand. Another great reminder, I wasn’t there for his first drink…
“Dex said you like red wine when you’re brooding on the porch. Are you in a brooding mood right now?”
“Kind of.” I tilt my head, still not sure how to bridge the gap with him, but I don’t need to. Of course, Alane’s son would know how to talk to me. He would know not to let me drown in my thoughts and to get my head out of my ass.
“I’ve asked Mom a lot of questions about you in the past month, and she answered as best she could, but there was a lot she didn’t know, and I’m curious. I hope it’s okay that I’m curious?”
“Of course.” I take a sip of my wine.
“She, Mom, she was different here. She was calm, well calmer. She wasn’t obsessing with my safety. She wasn’t losing herself in the infinity of what-ifs that trigger her panic attacks. Well, she was at the beginning, and then she wasn’t. I know you two were seeing each other.”
I go to stop him, but he continues, “She didn’t tell me. Luke did. I know it’s a fucked-up situation. I wasn’t happy myself to learn the truth only now, but I know she didn’t do it to punish you or me. She did it because she truly believed she was doing the best thing for both of us. I love Mark. I’m sorry if this is hurting you, but I truly love him. He’s been a great father to me. He wasn’t always a good husband to Mom, but I also know she wasn’t always good to him either. She was absent a lot. Not physically. But mentally, she wasn’t there. She would be seated with us, he would talk about his day, and she wouldn’t be there. Now that I know your story, I’m pretty sure she was wondering what if. She forgave you for breaking her heart. You’re going to have to find a way to forgive her because if I get married one day or if I have kids, I would really like to have you around, to get to know you, but I won’t if you can’t be in the same room as Mom. Because I’ll tell you the same thing I told Mark when they divorced, if I have to choose between Mom and you, I’ll choose her, always.”
Drawing back, I look at Adam. Not as my doppelgänger or Alane’s kid, but as the man he is. I would be fucking lucky to have him in my life, to be, maybe not his father, but I don’t know, his friend. And I for sure want him around for Law and Hal.
“Fuck, you’re a great kid.”
“Not a kid anymore, but thanks.” He winks. He’s more outgoing than I am. Nicer too. Once again, we’re sitting in the same position, ankle resting on one knee and hand relaxing on the other. Setting my glass of wine aside, I reach for his glass and sniff it, recognizing the scotch my father serves only to me and to Dex. Not even Luke is allowed to drink it. Certainly not Barn, never to Barn. Dad brought out the best for Adam.
“That’s a clear indication you’re becoming a favorite of Dad’s,” I say, tilting his glass. “Now, I’m going to fix myself one of those, and then, you’re going to tell me everything I missed over the last twenty-six years. It’s going to take all night, but I don’t give a shit. The only way I can get over all this is to dive right in.”
“Let’s dive in then.”
Standing up, I feel warm, fuzzy and happy to have the opportunity to know this kid and I then realize that my migraine is gone entirely.
Let’s dive in indeed.
30
Now – Alane
When my mother said she’d die being so far away from my father, I didn’t think she literally would.
Since moving back to Phoenix three months ago, she’s been deteriorating faster than I could ever imagine. I spoke numerous times with her doctors, wondering what could be done, but it seems there is nothing we can do. She doesn’t want to live, and her mind is shutting down her body, one organ after another. Mark has been more present than he ever was during our marriage, mostly because Adam, not being able to be there b
ecause of previous commitments in New York, asked him to keep an eye on me.
They both think I’m worried about my mother. My loss of weight, the distance I put between us, and my fatigue are great indicators to them I’m taking my mother is slipping away to heart. They’re not wrong, but worry isn’t my main problem.
Overthinking my past and trying to convince myself I did the right thing are what’s suffocating me. Every breath I take reminds me of Aaron’s face when he figured out whom Adam was. Every time I try to close my eyes, I hear the screams of anger from the Gritts.
Every step I take feels like a betrayal.
Add to that a mother blaming me for even being born, a son walking away from me because he has a whole new family to discover, an ex-husband pissed at me for hiding the truth from everybody, a past boyfriend refusing to talk to me before I left, and I’m the shell of myself again.
I’m a zombie with nobody to talk to, nobody on my side, and nobody else to blame but myself. Aaron was right; I was delusional thinking that having him discover the truth would have had a different conclusion than me ending up alone.
Who cares that I gave Adam the same middle name as Aaron? Who cares about my intentions of letting him have the life he deserved? Who cares that keeping Adam from him was my way of loving Aaron and proving it? I was a fool to think it mattered, but I’m even more a fool to think he would care.
“Would you be interested in spending a night at the club, for old time’s sake?”
I forgot I was having my bi-weekly coffee with Mark. He’s handsome. I wouldn’t have spent almost twenty years with him if I didn’t find him attractive. His dark features and shiny disposition are the polar opposite of Aaron’s. “Are you not missing it? I mean, I miss you. Nobody compares to you and the chemistry we used to have.”
Coming back to my senses I realize I missed all the cues of Mark wanting me. He’s on my side of the table, his body close to mine, and his arm around my shoulders. He smells good, he looks suave, he feels familiar, but he’s not who I want.
“Mark,” I push his arm away, “you know that ship has sailed.”
He leans away, his eyes trying to avoid mine. “In a way, it’s sad that we never had a chance.”
“That’s not true, Mark. I loved who we were together. I loved what we did. You taught me so much. I became me because of you.” I pat his hands.
“You loved who we were together, but you always loved him.” Mark is a lot of things but jealous is not in his vocabulary. More than anything, I believe he understands. He always did. We own each other’s bodies, but never one another’s soul. I always thought it was an unspoken understanding. We never discussed our pasts; we were two broken hearts trying to find comfort in one another. Maybe he did find more comfort in me than I did in him. He kisses my cheek.
“Thank you for keeping me in Adam’s life. I know the last few months haven’t been easy on you. Why don’t you call him?”
“Adam?”
“No silly, Aaron.”
“I thought you were pissed at me for keeping a secret about who Adam’s father was?”
Mark gives me the saddest smile in the universe. “Alane, I’m not pissed. I’m worried. Adam told me he’s never seen you happier than when you were up there. You’ve been sad since you came back. Are you going to wait around for him forever?”
“He doesn’t want to talk to me, Mark. What can I do?”
“The Alane I met didn’t wait for me to talk to her to let me know what she was expecting…”
“What are you talking about? You’re the one who talked to me first.”
Mark laughs. “Not before you eye fucked me for a while, and I was sure you’d end up in my bed. It still took me one year, but shit if I cared that you had a kid or was inexperienced. You were all I thought about for months. You owned my balls the first time you served me a drink. I used to daydream of you fucking others. I still do.” His smile is sad and contagious.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you.” I wince, thinking I haven’t been the best version of me for a while.
“You didn’t. Sometimes it lasts, sometimes it doesn’t. We had a great run, and I would like to propose a friendship.”
“Why after all this time? We divorced years ago.”
“Because you’re the only one who knows me? I don’t know. I need you, and I know you need a friend too.”
“And let me guess, if I find a guy who agrees on a threesome, you should be on speed dial.” I tease him. He brings his hand to my hair and wraps my ponytail around, like he used to before kissing me.
“Shit, if it was possible, I would be the first one at your door. I would love to be your friend with benefits, but you already found the guy, you just need him to realize it. He would be a fool to let you get away again. If he’s a fool and you need your adventurous life back, you know where to find me, right?” He kisses me at the corner of my lips, but it’s more sensual than his last kiss. It’s a foreplay kiss. I push him away gently.
“Mark…” I know his body more than anyone else, and the heat coming from him is not innocent. We can’t go there. Not again, not ever.
“I know. I need to go, or I’ll fuck you here for all to see. Let your mom die. She always broke your spirit. Get your wings back. All I ever wanted was you to be free and happy. Go get him.”
“I love you, Mark.” He stands up and kisses my forehead.
“I know, but you love him more. Take care of yourself Alane.”
Alone in a coffee shop, I come to the realization that my life is nowhere near where I thought it would be, but it wouldn’t matter that much if I was in Aaron’s arms.
Mark is right, I need to go get him. I tried to walk away, and my world crumbled. Dex told me to have faith, but I also know I need to help fate a little. Hiding in Arizona is not fighting for Aaron. If I hadn’t hid the first time, our lives would have been different. It’s easy to tell myself I did the right thing, but I also deprived us from each other. I didn’t fight enough. Neither did he. We might have just been kids when we fell in love, but we’re adults now, and I know I won’t find what I felt with Aaron with anyone else. If there is a chance he still has feelings for me, I owe it to him, and to us, to try.
Hope is a funny thing.
You just need a glimmer of light to feel alive again. Would I have preferred for Aaron to come for me? Absolutely. But I know I gave up too easily for him to do so.
As my phone rings, I wish it were Aaron, knowing I just decided to come back to him. I wish our minds were in sync, our hearts talking to each other even so far away. But it’s the hospital my mother was admitted to some weeks ago.
Answering it quickly, I throw some bills on the table and hurry back to her side. It’s time to say a last goodbye before both of us find our way back home.
We left our hearts in Springs Falls, and it’s more than enough time we get it back.
31
Now - Aaron
When I met Alane, my father told me the story of my grandfather, Joseph Gritt, commonly named JG, and his return from the Korean War without a limb.
My father then was five and remembered vividly the pain Grandpa was in because of what we now know was his phantom limb.
He numbed it for years with alcohol, not understanding what was happening, until the day he drove off the road, drunk. My father was ten and the youngest of five. His older brother was twenty, not old enough to be a man, but too young to be a child, and was sent to Vietnam, but that is another story. For my father, missing my mother in the few months they were separated, was like losing a limb back then. I thought I understood what he meant when I flew to Seattle many years ago. I thought I was hurting from a missing limb.
I thought Alane was my phantom limb, until today.
If I had known that losing her a second time would have hurt so much, I’m not sure I would have fucked her on the table of my restaurant. Said table that I asked the staff to destroy, as I didn’t need a reminder of her winking at me every time I push
ed through the door of my work. I might not have been sure of what Alane and I had when she was here, but I’m damned certain of what my heart is feeling when she’s not around. I’m missing a limb, and it hurts like a bitch.
I’ve done some research, because what else can I do at night while I can’t sleep, and there are two kinds of phantom pain: The one before amputation and the residual limb pain. It seems that if you experienced pain before amputation, you’re likely to be in pain afterward, as if the brain holds on to the memory of the pain and can’t understand that the limb is now missing, continuing to send pain signals over and over again.
My brain remembers Alane is gone every passing second. I wasn’t in pain before that. I was in lust, in anger, maybe in love, but not in pain.
The other reason for pain could be caused by a persistent ache in the remaining part of the limb, triggered by an abnormal growth on damaged nerves. This is my case of phantom pain. Seeing Adam, getting closer to him, only reminds me of my failed relationship with his mother and her walking away.
He’s my abnormal growth.
As much as I love getting to know him, it hurts. But, because I’m such a glutton for punishment, I keep doing so. In three months, he has become an essential part of the Gritt family. He draws with Law, helps Dad with the farm, goes out looking for girls or hiking—certainly looking for girls as well—with Barn, cooks with Mom, listens to Hailey’s boy drama while playing basketball with her, and speaks continuously about designs and comics with Dex and Luke, who are still in New York State for unknown reasons. He even could break Salomé’s coldness, and baked with her a couple of times, something nobody was allowed to do in that kitchen since I left for Seattle.
As for me, I decided to teach him how to skate. He apparently doesn’t have either his mother’s or my talent, but trying is half the battle. The other half is balance. That’s not a given either. Seriously, if he didn’t look like me, and if he hadn’t so many mannerisms reminding me of his mother, I would doubt he was our son based on his ability to skate. Adam is an excellent subject for whomever wants to write a Ph.D. thesis on the innate or acquired aptitudes of ice-skating and whether athletic performances are determined by genetics.